Am I making a big deal out of nothing?

[raysnkaysmom]

Maybe with a little stress I"m having over other things, I'm making a big deal out of this....but, I'm really kinda ticked at my oldest DD13. (I've calmed down some since I sat and talked to her, but still upset)..
Preface - A few months back, my daughter asked if she could shave her arms. Um, no. I know some people do, but in generalities, I just don't think it's a good idea. Anyways, my answer was no. You'll just have to keep up with it (like legs) and it'll look funny, grow back thicker and/or darker... (and, she was quick to point out to me this was a wives tale thanks to her dads infinite knowledge of all).
Well, today she comes home to say she got a hair remover from her friends house this weekend, and daddy told her to try a spot on her arms first. It worked, so she took it all off! I got upset, told her I couldnt' believe she did that and she asked why. I told her because I told her before she couldnt' shave her arms, and she said she didn't...she used a hair remover thing. Anyways, I was upset...sent her to her room. I waited about 10 minutes and went up there to talk to her, asking her thought process. I told her she generally does things like that at her dads house that she knows I won't allow. She doesn't see the big deal. The big deal to me was I told her no. I just didn't want her to have that headache and I don't think arm hair (my preference) is an area meant to be removed.
I called her dad....asked her why he allowed her to do that when he also told her previously she couldn't shave her arms.. he said he didn't see the big deal. If I did, just don't let her do it again...

Anyways....I feel better after venting, but, really... am I 'that' wrong for being upset about it? She's 13!

And..yes, I know it's the DIS I'm asking about 'venting' and 'parenting'...I"m in for it...

 

[Liberty Belle]

I really don't think it's a big deal. She honestly might have thought it was the shaving you were against. Maybe she thought the cream would be better (though she could have called and asked).

She did go against your wishes (or did in a round about way), so I can see being upset about that. Kids do that a lot, though, and, to me, this seems like a very minor area to do it in.

Unless her arms were very hairy with very dark hair, she probably won't even notice it growing back in. Arm hair is generally light and fine.

 

[freckles and boo]

I understand your point, but that is a battle I don't plan to have with my girls. She will probably realize soon enough that it is a big hassle and give it up before too long. I would probably back off and let her learn that lesson the hard way.

 

[phorsenuf]

Pick your battles. Yes, you told her not to but at 13 I would have used the while "I didn't shave them" bit too.
Is there a reason why you don't want her to remove her arm hair?

 

[gina2000]

She must be rather self-conscious of the hair on her arms to want to shave. I think that might be rather important when you consider the fact that she went against your wishes. Self image is very, very important for teenagers.

 

[daisax]

She's old enough to live with the consequences, and they won't be permanent (like if she got a tattoo or something), so I'd just leave it at your being disappointed that she purposely does things she knows you disapprove of when she's at her father's house. But then drop it, because you don't want to feed that "play one parent against another" energy.

Arm hair, leg hair, facial hair, head hair... it all grows back, and she's the one who will deal directly with the consequences of removing it OR living with whatever she has, light or dark. Given what I see on tv, I imagine there's quite a prejudice in schools nowadays against any visible body hair, so it may be something she's really struggling with in terms of self image.

At 13, unless she's completely out of control, I'd say it's time to give her more autonomy over how she dresses and does her hair (within reason). They're desperate to stand on their own feet at that point, and so little they actually DO control. Better to give her the freedom in little things than to make her fight for it and get in the habit of defying you.

 

[snarlingcoyote]

Well. . .

I do think you've got all the best intentions in the world and that you're worried about your daughter growing up too soon, maybe, or looking strange, or having to deal with adult problems when she doesn't need to.

But she is 13. And they do strange things. And 12-13 is when most girls do start shaving.

It's hair. It grows back. (And the idea that it grows back thicker is a myth, I think. It just looks that way when the hair sprouts.) It's not a piercing or a tattoo.

Dear God Daughter did some pretty strange things to her hair when she lived with us, and we never sweated it - it's hair, it grows back. If she'd shaved her arms, I don't think it would've even come up in conversation unless she was so unreliable with a razor as to nick herself - then there would've been private words about depilatories that don't cut.

There's just so much else to worry about. . .hair just. . .well. Like I said. It grows back, so it's a safe thing to expirement with. Grades, boys, friends, influences, cars. . .you have to pick your battles as they get older.

That said, she's your daughter. If you can't stand it, it's your business. But do you really want to set the stage for arguing about everything as she gets older or just argue about the big stuff? (And you WILL argue. It's the law.)

 

[hereyago]

13. Is she allowed to shave her legs and underarms? Also, is she self concious about the hair on her arms?
Yes she should have called and asked if she could use the cream, but soon enough you are going to have to pick your battles.
My DD11 started shaving her legs last year, because she was self concious and she keeps up with it.

 

[Serena]

I think if she is uncomfortable with the hair, you need to help her feel better. She's not asking for a piercing or tattoo. This is not the armpits right?

 

[dismom2]

I don't know much about arm hair regrowth; does it grow back thicker and darker, like leg and armpit hair, and need to be removed from then on? If so, I wouldn't want my kids to have to deal with that, either. Sometimes kids don't realize the long term consequences of doing something (nor do dad's). I have been known to explain things to death to my kids so they know why I am saying, "no". I'm sure they don't always like my lecturing, but it helps them understand more, and they are less likely to do something I don't want them to do. Hopefully, your DD's hair will grow back 'normal' and she won't have to continue removing the hair from here on out. My DH doesn't think certain things are a big deal, either. It can be frustrating at times. It's especially frustrating when they do something you asked them not to do, but they do it a different way, thinking it's okay then (removing the hair a different way). I'd be annoyed, too.

 

[Serena]

Ok, take out the issue that she may or may not need to shave.

She did something you specifically told her not to do, or sort of. She may have really thought it was the razor you had a problem with. However, she knew not to call and ask because she didn't want you to tell her no.

Self image is important, if she is really concerned and worried about this, I might let it go this time. But you need to talk with her about doing things behind your back. But, be calm and write it down because she will do something similar again. Write down what you expect and what the consequences are if she breaks the rules.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I don't see it as a big deal however at my house my almost 13yodd is finally shaving her pits on her own. Thank GOD!!!

We bought her an electric shaver for her legs. If she decided to shave her arms, I would never know.

This is more of a pick your battle thing for me. As long as I am not doing the shaving, I don't care....

 

[raysnkaysmom]

She's old enough to live with the consequences, and they won't be permanent (like if she got a tattoo or something), so I'd just leave it at your being disappointed that she purposely does things she knows you disapprove of when she's at her father's house. But then drop it, because you don't want to feed that "play one parent against another" energy.

Arm hair, leg hair, facial hair, head hair... it all grows back, and she's the one who will deal directly with the consequences of removing it OR living with whatever she has, light or dark. Given what I see on tv, I imagine there's quite a prejudice in schools nowadays against any visible body hair, so it may be something she's really struggling with in terms of self image.

At 13, unless she's completely out of control, I'd say it's time to give her more autonomy over how she dresses and does her hair (within reason). They're desperate to stand on their own feet at that point, and so little they actually DO control. Better to give her the freedom in little things than to make her fight for it and get in the habit of defying you.

She's a VERY good kid (besides a smart mouth)...so I know this isn't a battle I want to pick. I pretty much left it as "I'm disappointed you did that"...
But..as far as giving her autonomy over how she dresses and does her hair, I've soo been doing that for a long time. I consider myself a 'trendy/hip' parent (but still a mom), and she goes with me and picks out all her clothes. Some, I'm like , but as long as she likes it and it's not against dresscode, I"m all for it. She fixes her own hair, got her bangs sideswepped, she's highlighted it blonde, dyed it with red streaks, it's all just temporary. I give her alot of leighway... I just felt this was something that she has to continue now 'forever'..... it's not a one time grow out type thing...
And, her hair on her arms was dark, but not extremely thick. I've seen worse, and of course, better with her sister who is blonde. But, before school last year, she talked about wanting to shave the sides of her hair and the 'widows peak' on her forehead..we said we'd talk about it. She locked herself in the bathroom and did it herself, and let me tell you...her dad just laughed at her and told her that the way she looked was punishment enough. She cried, and said she'd never do anything so stupid again... Yeah yeah.. that was at 12.
LOL

And, in general, we / the kids never play the parent against the other. 99% of the time we consult with each other over things like this, thats why I was upset he didn't call me first.

 

[waltsgirl]

I agree with all the posters, pick your battles. Believe me there will be much bigger things you are going to have to deal with than shaving, let it go!

 

[kacaju]

At 13 if she has asked to shave, then I would have let her
.
My dd15 started shaving in 5th grade, so she was 10 going on to 11. Why so young? Because in our district she moved up to middle school and was gonig to be on the bus with 5th-8th graders. She had very dark leg hair and I didn't want her to get teased and then have it be known she now shaves.

My dd13 only just started to shave this past school year. She is blond and you never saw her hair. My dd9 is hairy like her oldest sister and I bought her the smooth away this summer because the hair on her legs crepped her out while she was sleeping. the hair was rubbing on the sheets and she was having trouble sleeping because of it.

 

[raysnkaysmom]

I have the feeling with the description you are thinking she must have been realllly hairy or dark.. Noo.. this was her last week.

 

[kacaju]

At 13 if she has asked to shave, then I would have let her
.
My dd15 started shaving in 5th grade, so she was 10 going on to 11. Why so young? Because in our district she moved up to middle school and was gonig to be on the bus with 5th-8th graders. She had very dark leg hair and I didn't want her to get teased and then have it be known she now shaves.

My dd13 only just started to shave this past school year. She is blond and you never saw her hair. My dd9 is hairy like her oldest sister and I bought her the smooth away this summer because the hair on her legs crepped her out while she was sleeping. the hair was rubbing on the sheets and she was having trouble sleeping because of it.

 

[PrincessKsMom]

I'd be angry too. I had a cousin who shaved her arm hair when she was little and it grew back very long and dark. She's always regretted it. I also don't buy into the excuse that she thought you meant the razor was the problem. If my kid tried that with me, she'd be in a world of trouble. It's like telling them "no cookies before dinner" so they eat pie or ice cream. Especially at 13 (and I have a 13 year old DD by the way), they know exactly what you mean. They just try to push the envelope. At this point there's nothing you can do about it. She will learn to live with the consequences if it grows back dark and long. Lesson learned, I'm sure.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

She's a VERY good kid (besides a smart mouth)...so I know this isn't a battle I want to pick. I pretty much left it as "I'm disappointed you did that"...
But..as far as giving her autonomy over how she dresses and does her hair, I've soo been doing that for a long time. I consider myself a 'trendy/hip' parent (but still a mom), and she goes with me and picks out all her clothes. Some, I'm like , but as long as she likes it and it's not against dresscode, I"m all for it. She fixes her own hair, got her bangs sideswepped, she's highlighted it blonde, dyed it with red streaks, it's all just temporary. I give her alot of leighway... I just felt this was something that she has to continue now 'forever'..... it's not a one time grow out type thing...
And, her hair on her arms was dark, but not extremely thick. I've seen worse, and of course, better with her sister who is blonde. But, before school last year, she talked about wanting to shave the sides of her hair and the 'widows peak' on her forehead..we said we'd talk about it. She locked herself in the bathroom and did it herself, and let me tell you...her dad just laughed at her and told her that the way she looked was punishment enough. She cried, and said she'd never do anything so stupid again... Yeah yeah.. that was at 12.
LOL

And, in general, we / the kids never play the parent against the other. 99% of the time we consult with each other over things like this, thats why I was upset he didn't call me first.

You could have my 18yodd. She has to shave her face, stomach, feet, and toes on top of her legs and pits.
I keep telling her we could go get laser treatment.

The only thing she isn't shaving is her arms.

We are hairy thanks to genetics.

 

[clgwli]

She must be rather self-conscious of the hair on her arms to want to shave. I think that might be rather important when you consider the fact that she went against your wishes. Self image is very, very important for teenagers.

I was thinking the exact same thing.

This is something I would talk to her about. You might want to look into other ways to remove the hair or lighten it.

Oh and yes it is an old wives tale about shaving. It does not grow back thicker or darker. I used to swim and we actually did it often for meets.