Am I being unreasonable?

[llij]

Lissawynn,

I don't think you are being ungrateful or unreasonable at all. I actually posted a few pages back about my sister going into early labor because of a surprise shower thrown for her. Personally after that experience, I'm leary of surprise baby showers, but to each his own.

I've also thrown a bunch of bridal and baby showers in my time and each and every time I have always asked the guest of honor for a list of who they would like to invite and what date works out best for them. I want the person I'm throwing the shower for to be happy so whoever they want to come and whenever they want it is fine with me. If you did that for your sister with her shower then she should do the same for you.

Don't worry about all the posts saying you are ungrateful or spoiled b/c I don't see it that way at all! I'm hoping this all works out for you and just make sure that you take care of yourself and your baby. Hang in there!

 

[skiwee1]

This isn't any different then a surprise birthday party IMO. Do you all think it is okay to complain about someone not telling you the date? Is it okay to give the person trying to plan a surprise party a guest list? That is ridiculous! If the friends of the OP are so close to her then I am sure they will throw her a shower too.

 

[Jasminesmommy]

I do not blame you. My shower was planned and I had no say. I had to take the day off work the day before becuase they didn't tell me anything. only 2 of my friends came and the rest were people I never seen before and that was so embarising. They were all people from my in-laws church. I wanted to crawl up and die.

 

[decker96]

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. It's a party for you and your baby. Why shouldn't you make a couple requests? And asking to know the date and that some of your close friends be invited are not big deals, IMO. Sounds to me like your sister has control issues.
My mom and I threw a shower for my sister last year. She told me who she for sure wanted to invite and she knew the date (I've never been to a surprise baby or bridal shower either). My mom took care of the food and I did the games, favors and the decorations. We were both flexible in doing or not doing what my sister wanted. It was HER party after all. The only thing I insisted on was that the shower had to be in August (she was due in Nov.) which was kind of early, but I was due with my 3rd baby at the end of Sept. and she lives 5 hours from me, so I had to be firm on that, LOL!

 

[believe]

What would you have done if your sister didn't even tell you she was throwing a surprise shower? Around here a surprise is just that...you wouldn't even know someone was planning something.

 

[lulugirl]

Originally posted by skiwee1
This isn't any different then a surprise birthday party IMO. Do you all think it is okay to complain about someone not telling you the date? Is it okay to give the person trying to plan a surprise party a guest list? That is ridiculous! If the friends of the OP are so close to her then I am sure they will throw her a shower too.

....but why throw any kind of surprise party for someone that DOESN"T LIKE surprises? Isn't the whole point of a shower to honor the mother? I think it's rather disrespectful to throw a surprise party for someone when you know it will cause them discomfort. (and I don't think being uncomfortable means being unappreciative)

 

[4greatboys]

To me a suprise birthday party and a "suprise" shower are 2 different things. One she already knows they are giving her one, her sis knows she doesnt like surprises and still flatly refuses to tell her the day so she can be prepared. You know its not really a suprise if you know its happening, just not when.
On top of that even if she was happy about the suprise she still has friends she would like to be invited. Again her sis just refuses. There is no point for her not to invite her friends other than she has control issues.
Then if the girl posted about several showers given to her, people would be crying that she didnt need that many showers and how tacky it is......etc.
Any type of shower, b-party, anniversary party etc is given for someone the point is to make that someones day special. I cannot see how her sis is trying to make it special. Yeah, here's are party you werent prepared for because its a "secret" , none of your friends are here have a great time

 

[Aristocath]

Surprise baby showers must be a regional thing. No one I know in Fort Worth would dream of throwing one. The honoree should have a say in who she would like to invite. Plus, how can you be sure the date is good for the honoree if you don't tell her. So, no, I do not think you are being unreasonable. Good luck with this.

Cathy

 

[diznygirl]

I don't know the OP's sister, but the shower has not occurred and we do not have insider information, so how do any of us know that she is not meeting any of the OP's requests? She might have invited all the school friends, she might be planning on letting her sis know an hour before so she can get ready - we don't know anything, and neither does the OP. The OP is the one being unreasonable because she is getting upset over something that she doesn't have all the facts for.

And maybe since she has does so much for her sister, her sister wants to so something nice for her. This shower could be her way of showing her appreciaion.

I think the OP needs to relax and give her sister the benefit of the doubt and let the party go on.

If it sucks, she can come here and vent afterwards.

 

[LisaZoe]

Originally posted by diznygirl
I don't know the OP's sister, but the shower has not occurred and we do not have insider information, so how do any of us know that she is not meeting any of the OP's requests? She might have invited all the school friends, she might be planning on letting her sis know an hour before so she can get ready - we don't know anything, and neither does the OP. The OP is the one being unreasonable because she is getting upset over something that she doesn't have all the facts for.

I guess I don't see why the sister would not then let the OP know she has invited the requested people and that she'll give a little advance notice. It really does sound like a control issue.

I have to admit I'm very surprised by the posters who feel so strongly that the OP's requests are unreasonable. Surprise showers are not the norm in this area (Oregon). In fact, when I adopted my DD, my best friend offered to organize the shower for me and I suggested we have it at my home. I also was definitely consulted on the guest list - my friend wanted to be sure that people who may be important to me that she didn't know got invited.

I helped organize 2 surprise showers for co-workers to be held at work - so we didn't think it would be a problem making them surprises since the person would be at work anyway. We learned our error when both honorees called in sick the days scheduled for the parties! The same thing happened when my co-workers planned a surprise shower for me. My DD was sick so we stayed home that day and it was only after I'd called in that I learned a shower had been planned. Because these parties were scheduled at work, we weren't able to reschedule so the other 2 moms and I ended up just having the gifts left in our respective offices - a big disappointment for all.

I think surprise birthday parties are a whole other experience. For me, most birthdays are a minor event so having a party for one seems more a good reason to have a party than just a celebration of getting older. Most people only have one shower during a pregnancy and the party is all about the prenancy and its outcome. The honoree should definitely feel that the party is about her (her baby) and what she likes/wants/needs and not just what the host wanted to do. If the host doesn't want to make the party something the honoree would want it to be, than I would have to question the motives of the host.

 

[wilderness01]

Actually..... (flame suit ready) I think what the sister was doing was trying to plan a nice surprise, and a party where all you have to do is show up and enjoy!

It does not sound like all the sister was trying to do was plan a nice suprise. She sounds like she is jealous because she will not be the center of attention anymore. Sad.



What's wrong with letting someone plan a party for you? And what's wrong with being gracious about someone planning a party for you?

She didn't say she wasn't going to be gracious. She only wanted a heads up on the date.



A shower isn't a party you plan for yourself - it's a party someone gives you - and that is a gift.


It sounds like her sister got her entire way on HER shower but now when it is for her sister, she is to do like the older sister wants. Sounds like a control freak.


Even though she asked, she didn't ask to be insulted. Be nice people she is pregnant and her sister is giving her enough grief.


Good luck with your baby. This is a happy time for you, don't let anyone ruin that.

 

[RobinMarie]

I think of showers as sort of a rite of passage. You just have to grin and bear it, and know that whoever shows up really cares about you enough to give up an afternoon or other time off from work. I never really liked attending showers, but was so very touched when people attended mine that I never dreaded them again. In fact, I'm quite practiced at saying, "ooooohhh, ahhhhh, you can NEVER have too many of those."

I'm pretty used to surprise showers. Whether bridal or baby, showers are intended to help someone get 'set up' for their next adventure in life. How wonderful so many of us have loved ones willing to plan, attend and be so giving!

Why spend so much time and effort fretting over this? Generations of women before us dealt with these very same situations. You are the guest and not supposed to be involved in the details. Just enjoy and know someone cares enough about you to be planning such an event!

 

[skiwee1]

Originally posted by lulugirl
....but why throw any kind of surprise party for someone that DOESN"T LIKE surprises? Isn't the whole point of a shower to honor the mother? I think it's rather disrespectful to throw a surprise party for someone when you know it will cause them discomfort. (and I don't think being uncomfortable means being unappreciative)

\
It sounds like her sister was just being NICE. Personally if I was her sister I'd scrap the whole thing and let her host her own baby shower.

 

[disykat]

That's the whole point - she would rather her sister NOT throw her a surprise party.

 

[Lachesis00]

Not the norm in Alaska either. I dunno about AZ.

Are surprise parties regional or something?

Originally posted by LisaZoe
I guess I don't see why the sister would not then let the OP know she has invited the requested people and that she'll give a little advance notice. It really does sound like a control issue.

I have to admit I'm very surprised by the posters who feel so strongly that the OP's requests are unreasonable. Surprise showers are not the norm in this area (Oregon).

 

[skiwee1]

Originally posted by disykat
That's the whole point - she would rather her sister NOT throw her a surprise party.

I understand. The sister should just forget the whole shower thing altogether. I know I certainly wouldn't go through with anything at all if someone was being so ungrateful. She can throw her own self a shower.

 

[skiwee1]

Originally posted by Lachesis00


Not the norm in Alaska either. I dunno about AZ.

Are surprise parties regional or something?

Maybe. I live in Maryland and had never heard of the person knowing she is getting a shower. The surprise is the best part.

 

[MagicalMom]

Wow. Around here showers are always a surprise. The surprise element is considered the fine line between showering the receiver with gifts & the receiver requesting gifts. People love to surprise others with gifts, but it's a whole nother story when the receiver shows up ready & expecting their presents. No flames please. That's just the way it is viewed in this area.

I also wanted to add that in this area it would also be very rude to submit a guest list to your shower. We just hope someone will have one and are grateful when they do. Most people have a seperater shower with coworkers at their workplace. It's interesting how showers can be so different.

 

[4greatboys]

Originally posted by skiwee1
I understand. The sister should just forget the whole shower thing altogether. I know I certainly wouldn't go through with anything at all if someone was being so ungrateful. She can throw her own self a shower.

Well I know I wouldnt want someone so self centered and controlling to give me a shower. And we always the person the shower is for for a list so no one is left out.

Originally posted by skiwee1
Maybe. I live in Maryland and had never heard of the person knowing she is getting a shower. The surprise is the best part.

I live in Texas and have never heard of a suprise baby shower or wedding shower, only a suprise birthday party.

 

[RadioNate]

Originally posted by skiwee1
Maybe. I live in Maryland and had never heard of the person knowing she is getting a shower. The surprise is the best part.

I've lived in Illinois, Florida, Oregon, Iowa, South Caroline, Tennessee and Texas and I've never heard of a suprise shower.

But if that's what is common for in your area, you judge only according to that.

I think it's rude to not tell the honoree the date of the shower or not invite the honoree's friends. But if I were in an area that surprise showers were the norm, I might have a different view.

It's just a regional difference. In her experience people are 1) told the dates of their showers and 2) allowed to have imput on the guest list. There for based on HER experience she isn't being unreasonable or ungrateful. Try putting yourself in her shoes. She is accustomed to honorees knowing about their showers, having a say reguarding the guest list, and she doesn't like surprises. Would you think the OP was unreasonable or ungrateful then?

Not everyone likes suprises. They might be the "best part" for you but for me they are humilating. I would rather have NO shower than a suprise shower.