Am I being unreasonable?

[Judy in Texas]

Part of what led to this whole problem in the first place is their entire family's unwillingness to face conflict. They think it's better to sweep things under the rug, pretend everything is rosy and hope it goes away.

This is me and my family... We are civil to each other when in a group and then get on with our lives. A friend's DIL strongly believes that everyone should confront all issues right up front so they can be discussed/resolved. For those of us who avoid conflict like the plague, that is not possible.

We took a stengths/weakness assessment at work where you get back a list of what you are good at and what you need to work on. High on my list is "Avoids Confrontation".

 

[mjkacmom]

Is it something he's done, or still doing? Maybe it's because every single member of my family gets along, but I can't imagine what a family member could do that wouldn't eventually be forgiven. We forgive in my family, and perhaps your DH's family forgave him? Do you ask your DH if he talks about you, or does he tell you about these conversations on his own?

 

[mrsklamc]

It is something he is still doing, and I am willing to forgive but to me you don't get forgiven for something you're still doing. You have to be sorry to be forgiven.

As for how I know- chat window left open on a shared computer or I would be oblivious.

 

[chloelovesdisney]

Yes, you are being unreasonable. Don't waste your time worrying about what your dh and his brother are talking about.

 

[cheermom1]

No i don't think you are being unreasonable at all...If you don't want your medical stuff to be talked about then it is your right to keep all that info to yourself and your dh should respect your wishes ..ask him how he would feel if the shoe was on the other foot? this is all part of being married is to respect each other and how they feel about certain things..this is a very big deal your health and it is not to much to ask for him to not talk about it to his brother if you wish him not to...however you also need to take into consideration that he may need to talk to someone about what is going with your health

 

[Darsa]

Perhaps a good compromise would be your DH saying something along the lines of, "She's fine" or "The treatment is fine" without going into details

This was my first thought as well. I just think that asking my DH to say something like "I'm not allowed to talk about her" or "I can't talk about her" or something like that would only open up further cans of worms, and proceed to make the situation worse for everyone. JMHO, of course.

 

[Keli]

IMHO you are being unreasonable.
It doesn't sound like your dh is giving any details about your situation, he's just giving general statements. It's too petty to demand He handle it otherwise.
If he was giving in depth updates on your condition I would feel differently.

 

[NMAmy]

I will say that DH has not shared anything specific. He says things like, "She's fine," or "she's not happy right now but it should be better soon." It frustrates me because I feel like it's part of his family's conflict avoidance issues that he won't just call a spade a spade, and say, "she doesn't want me to discuss that with you."

Okay, now I am going to say that you're being unreasonable. He's not giving out specific information and he's being very general.

If your DH and his whole family have conflict avoidance issues, then that's the way it is. Asking your DH to fight this battle with his brother (a battle that you want to fight and your DH does not) is unreasonable.

 

[cheermom1]

Okay, now I am going to say that you're being unreasonable. He's not giving out specific information and he's being very general.

If your DH and his whole family have conflict avoidance issues, then that's the way it is. Asking your DH to fight this battle with his brother (a battle that you want to fight and your DH does not) is unreasonable.

If he is not giving details and just saying she is fine and changing the subject then that IS what you want ..he is doing what you asked him to do...

 

[nutterbutter2010]

I will say that DH has not shared anything specific. He says things like, "She's fine," or "she's not happy right now but it should be better soon." It frustrates me because I feel like it's part of his family's conflict avoidance issues that he won't just call a spade a spade, and say, "she doesn't want me to discuss that with you."

Truthfully, after reading this, I think your being spiteful, and just trying to make waves for the sake of making waves. You don't like that your DHs family lets things go easily, but really, its none of your business. Its not your family, its his, and really, your just making a bad situation worse for your DH. Your dealing with a lot, but so is he. Put youself in his shoes - he has a wife with cancer, a brother with "issues", and his parents are probably in the middle trying to keep everything happy. Then your coming along and put a knife into that "happy" that they are all confertable with. Truthfully, you better watch out that your DH doesn't turn on you (I don't mean physically, and I'm not trying to scare you, but hes being pulled in so many directions, you never know when he may snap) You don't live in the same house with this people, do you? How often do you actually see them? You need to focus on yourself, and not your BIL, or your DHs family. You can't live your life being angry about things you can't control.

 

[disneyjunkie]

I will say that DH has not shared anything specific. He says things like, "She's fine," or "she's not happy right now but it should be better soon."

If these are the comments your husband is making, then yeah you are being unreasonable.

It sounds like you want your husband to end his relationship with his brother.

Your illness may be the reason why your husband isn't willing to cut ties with his brother. Life is too short. We should cherise the time we have with our loved ones.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

So she should divorce her husband because of this?

I didn't say that--but if a spouse cannot respect the privacy of their partner, that would be a serious problem.

However after she has posted her follow up, it seems that absolutely nothing specific is being shared and thus I recant my posted opinion.

 

[lillygator]

ypu basically want to tell him exactly what to say....so yes, I think that is unreasonable.

 

[Disney Doll]

Yes.

Your hated BIL is asking a question to which your DH is giving a fairly vague answer.

You are not going to change these peoples' communication style, nor are you going to change your BIL and your DH may just feel like he needs someone to lean on during this difficult time. You may not like your BIL, but your DH may, and he may feel he needs some support.

I would also suggest counelling for you...you're dealing with a lot and perhaps this anger at DH/BIL is a bit of transference????

 

[clovergirl5]

I really don't have any advice for you. I know my own issues with my inlaws and not knowing the whole story to form an opinion one way or another, I can't speculate or criticize you. Just wanted to give you a for what you are going through and I hope everything gets resolved and you get better asap

 

[mrsklamc]

I would also suggest counelling for you...you're dealing with a lot and perhaps this anger at DH/BIL is a bit of transference????

Nah- pretty much been angry at BIL and frustrated at IL's choosing to 'ignore' the situation for about 18 months..the cancer has only been around since September.

I think someone else hit it closer though- I probably AM trying to make DH hurt BIL because I'm hurt.

A big sticking point between DH and I has been DH's contention that 'He's not doing it to hurt us, he's just doing it.' MY take on it is that that does not absolve him from the consequences of hurting us.

I want him out of our lives; DH wants to be there to pick up the pieces when his world falls apart. DH is a better person than me. BUT we don't seem to be getting anywhere so I think it IS probably off to counseling for us.

 

[brockash]

Usually, in my experience, the answer is yes, so I may have answered my own question.

I have a BIL who if I had my choice, we would never speak to him again. I know everyone is going to want the details but I'm not willing to share. Let me just say, I think one of the worst things you can do is be dishonest with people who trust you, and he has been living a lie to the entire family for about 8 years. He knew his dishonesty would hurt the entire family deeply. Additionally, I am a person who has many casual acquaintances but very, very few I call 'friend,' and he was a 'friend' for years before DH and I ever got together. Long story short, I have trust issues, and you pretty much get one shot before you get cut off. DH and his parents do not like what BIL has been doing but are willing to forget it, while I feel like BIL has destroyed the memory of every important event over the last years by 'tainting' it with his deceit.

Like I said, if it were just me I'd never speak to him again, but he is DH's only sibling. I told DH, fine, talk to him if you want to, just not about ME (I have cancer and BIL is always asking him about me. This aggravates me, because I don't think he cares, I think he's just trying to use it as an ice breaker.) DH says he CAN'T just tell him, "I'm sorry, I can't talk to you about that." I even told him he can blame me- "I'm sorry, she doesn't want me to talk to you about that, how's work?" He says he can't not talk to him about the most important part of his life, he might as well not talk to him at all. I don't 'get' why it's so hard to talk about other things without including me in the conversation. Am I nuts?

Well, you can't really control what other ppl. talk about, but it would be nice if you dh would try to respect you wishes, although I'm sure your family including dbil are going to always want to know how you're doing.

 

[lillygator]

Nah- pretty much been angry at BIL and frustrated at IL's choosing to 'ignore' the situation for about 18 months..the cancer has only been around since September.

I think someone else hit it closer though- I probably AM trying to make DH hurt BIL because I'm hurt.

A big sticking point between DH and I has been DH's contention that 'He's not doing it to hurt us, he's just doing it.' MY take on it is that that does not absolve him from the consequences of hurting us.

I want him out of our lives; DH wants to be there to pick up the pieces when his world falls apart. DH is a better person than me. BUT we don't seem to be getting anywhere so I think it IS probably off to counseling for us.

well if it's an affair....then why are you so angry and want him out of you lives? maybe he will need your hubby around to help him pick up the pieces...if they had a good relationship why are you trying to break family apart?

 

[mrsklamc]

well if it's an affair....then why are you so angry and want him out of you lives? maybe he will need your hubby around to help him pick up the pieces...if they had a good relationship why are you trying to break family apart?

Again, I'm not going to go into specifically what happened. And I don't consider a relationship riddled with lies a good one, brothers or not.

 

[NMAmy]

A big sticking point between DH and I has been DH's contention that 'He's not doing it to hurt us, he's just doing it.' MY take on it is that that does not absolve him from the consequences of hurting us.

I want him out of our lives; DH wants to be there to pick up the pieces when his world falls apart. DH is a better person than me. BUT we don't seem to be getting anywhere so I think it IS probably off to counseling for us.

You can cut him out of YOUR life but it has to be your DH's decision as to whether he wants to cut him out of his life. It's his brother. He loves him and wants to help him. That's very understandable.