Am I being unreasonable?

[Bluestars]

First of all, I wish you well in your treatment for cancer. I'm sure that adds a lot of stress to the situation.

I think I kind of get the picture. The BIL was more than a friend, he was someone you trusted, and there aren't many of those people in your life. While he acted one way, saying family was important and things like that, he was really lying about other things.

You saw his lies to you as a terrible betrayal because of what you thought was a very close, honest relationship. I don't blame you for being upset and wanting to end your relationship with him. He did a horrible thing. He got you to trust him and he lied to you for a very long time.

I'm sure you feel like any relationship your husband has with him now is just another betrayal to you and that your husband should know how hurt you are and that his continued contact with his brother causes you pain.

The thing is, he loves his brother. He knows his brother made mistakes and lied for a long time, but he is willing to live with it in order to have some type of relationship with him. His love for his brother does not diminish his love for you. They are two separate things.

Your husband probably feels caught in the middle. He doesn't want to lose you or his brother. He loves you both.

Look at it this way. Say you had a sister who hurt you deeply with lies. What if it didn't matter how terrible she was, you still loved her and wanted to be there for her?

You might want your name to never be discussed by your husband and your brother, but it sounds like your husband is doing the best he can to not discuss you. It sounds like your husband doesn't want to hurt anyone. I think you should go easy on your husband and let him love you both.

 

[Boxley]

Bumping this up because it was what I was referencing.

The OP gave up her dream wedding at the county courthouse because of something her future BIL said to her? Her husband's wishes of a traditional wedding didn't seem to matter until the future BIL weighed in and that was based on lies and deception?

 

[Disneyadore]

It's interesting that so many of you think that forgiveness is the answer. Somethings in my mind are just not forgiveable - child pornography and pedophelia for example.

Some friends of mine were awakened early in the morning hours with an army of police and FBI officers surrounding the house across the street from them. Their neighbor was into some BAD stuff with a child pornography ring.

If that were my relative, in-law, friend, work cohort, etc. I would NEVER be able to forgive and forget. He would be lucky if cutting off all ties would be the only thing I wanted to cut off.

Maybe this BIL really does deserve to be ostracized.

In many many cases the family knows what is going on and is protecting the criminal BECAUSE he is family.
Murder, child pornography in many cases is covered up under the loving blanket by the family.

 

[chloelovesdisney]

Wow, I'm surprised this discussion is still going on. This seems like an open and shut case. I don't think it matters in any way what the bil did. Everyone has the right to a relationship with their sibling if they so choose. The dh is not divulging personal details as to the op's diagnosis and care. He's politely answering the question with a general she's fine. I would never turn my back on my brother or sister because my spouse didn't like something they did, I find that completely absurd.

 

[Disneyadore]

Wow, I'm surprised this discussion is still going on. This seems like an open and shut case. I don't think it matters in any way what the bil did. Everyone has the right to a relationship with their sibling if they so choose. The dh is not divulging personal details as to the op's diagnosis and care. He's politely answering the question with a general she's fine. I would never turn my back on my brother or sister because my spouse didn't like something they did, I find that completely absurd.

Even if they committed a murder drug dealing or were involved in child molesting and child pornography?
Would you really defend them and be there for them in such case?

 

[mrsklamc]

Bumping this up because it was what I was referencing.

The OP gave up her dream wedding at the county courthouse because of something her future BIL said to her? Her husband's wishes of a traditional wedding didn't seem to matter until the future BIL weighed in and that was based on lies and deception?

I never said my husband's wishes didn't matter, and I'm sorry that you can't understand why my dream wedding might be different than what's traditional.(My dream wedding was actually eloping in Hawaii but a very important part was NOT having a bunch of people we didn't know be part of a day that I feel should be more intimate.)As a trusted friend at the time, he helped me see a different perspective. Also, DH has trouble expressing himself in words sometimes and kept saying things like "I want it for you," because he had a hard time believing that it truly wasn't what I wanted. This is not the basis of all of this, I was just trying to give ONE example of a memory that is now tainted by his (BIL's) deception.

 

[mrsklamc]

If 'scorned' can be used in a non-romantic way I suppose I do feel that way. I loved being part of such a close knit family and it was very important to me to share that with our children someday. Instead of the cheerful family gatherings they once were, holidays are now something to be endured because they mean being around someone I abhor.

I'm unsubscribing from this thread now because the first few posters were able to give me the perspective I needed. I think anyone with something constructive to say will be quite satisfied that we are going to speak with a professional about the situation; I only see the thread going in a more negative direction and I don't need that right now.

Thanks all!

 

[Boxley]

In many many cases the family knows what is going on and is protecting the criminal BECAUSE he is family.
Murder, child pornography in many cases is covered up under the loving blanket by the family.

I have counted three posts in which you have mentioned pedophilia and murder. I say that it is going overboard because here that is clearly NOT the case. You are approaching this situation at a higher spectrum then what it really is, a woman cannot forgive her BIL for something he did, she won't say what but it does not appear to be pedophilia and murder.

 

[Carly_Roach]

Just be careful that your judgmental attitude doesn't cost you a husband. I know someone who wants to confront everything...and I mean EVERYTHING...she hears about and deems to be wrong. Even if it's none of her business, she says that if it hurts even one other person, then it's her business and we're all selfish, evil people if we don't join whatever crusade she's on to make that person "aware" of their actions or to choose between her love or even speaking to that person.

Consequence? No one wants to be around her. We all recognize her as a manipulating control freak who wants everyone else to live the way she thinks they should live.

I totally understand your DH's family. I'm a low-temperature person myself who lives better (and healthier) when I don't spend all my time fighting the injustices of the world. I live better when I keep all that drama to a minimum. However, even the most low-key, live-and-let-live person will eventually decide that the person they love is toxic to their health and well-being and may make the decision to cut that person loose no matter how much they love them.

If you have judged that you can only trust/approve of six people in your life while your DH has an easier time dealing with people (especially his own family), then I'm willing to bet that the person he cuts loose is going to be you.

Good luck with your counseling. I hope the counselor can get you to understand that you can't control other people no matter how much you try.

 

[mjkacmom]

Even if they committed a murder drug dealing or were involved in child molesting and child pornography?
Would you really defend them and be there for them in such case?

Murder and drug dealing - I'd still be there. Child molesting and child pornography - nope.

 

[Disneyadore]

I have counted three posts in which you have mentioned pedophilia and murder. I say that it is going overboard because here that is clearly NOT the case. You are approaching this situation at a higher spectrum then what it really is, a woman cannot forgive her BIL for something he did, she won't say what but it does not appear to be pedophilia and murder.

I was not asking the OP. It was a general question. Further more I think the husband could and should be much more supportive and break up with his brother. The OP is fighting the biggest fight of here life and the husband should listen to her and help her in every possible way.
If that means break up with somebody that obviously is dividing there marriage than the choice must be his wife. After all he did not marry the brother but if things would come to worst he could end up moving in with his brother.

 

[mjkacmom]

I was not asking the OP. It was a general question. Further more I think the husband could and should be much more supportive and break up with his brother. The OP is fighting the biggest fight of here life and the husband should listen to her and help her in every possible way.
If that means break up with somebody that obviously is dividing there marriage than the choice must be his wife. After all he did not marry the brother but if things would come to worst he could end up moving in with his brother.

I couldn't disagree more. Family is family, and it's his wife who has the issue, not the BIL. Yes, if the BIL was being cruel to his wife, I could see distancing himself. However, just because his wife doesn't agree with his brother's choice in life shouldn't end the relationship he has with his brother. I do believe in unconditional love in family, and although you might not like their actions, you can still love the person.

 

[mumom95]

I do believe in unconditional love in family, and although you might not like their actions, you can still love the person.

Honestly, I think unconditional love is why there are so many problems in families today. It's a free pass for many people, they can treat family members as crappy as they want, because they know they are always going to love them. I think if people knew that these people that cared about them could and would walk away if they were mistreated, people would think before they act and be alot nicer to each other.

I've seen too many people miserable because of family and what they had to do "because they're family" to believe unconditional love is always a good thing. If you love someone just because they are family, that really isn't love.

 

[Carly_Roach]

I was not asking the OP. It was a general question. Further more I think the husband could and should be much more supportive and break up with his brother. The OP is fighting the biggest fight of here life and the husband should listen to her and help her in every possible way.
If that means break up with somebody that obviously is dividing there marriage than the choice must be his wife. After all he did not marry the brother but if things would come to worst he could end up moving in with his brother.

I couldn't disagree more. Family is family, and it's his wife who has the issue, not the BIL. Yes, if the BIL was being cruel to his wife, I could see distancing himself. However, just because his wife doesn't agree with his brother's choice in life shouldn't end the relationship he has with his brother. I do believe in unconditional love in family, and although you might not like their actions, you can still love the person.

I'm going to agree with mjkacmom. Blood is thicker than water and marriage. Who's more likely to take you in during a crisis? Your family or your ex? People divorce all the time, but family is forever.

As far as the wife being in "the biggest fight of her life", it sounds like the husband IS there to support her and respects her wishes to not discuss her illness with his brother. Where the wife goes too far is to demand that her husband cut off all ties with his brother (a man her husband has known much longer than he's known the wife) because the wife has judged the brother to be a bad person.

To answer the original question: Yes. You're being totally and completely unreasonable. Rather than go to a counsellor to get the counsellor's opinion on how bad you think the BIL is, I hope you use the counsellor's time to learn methods of easing up a little on judging the other people in your life. Especially people who are near and dear to the man you say you love.

 

[sbell111]

Child pornography and pedophelia are illegal. If it's an affair, it's probably complicated and none of the OP's business.

I don't believe that the BIL is involved in anything illegal or having an affair. Based solely on the OP's posts, I believe that if either of these scenarios were true that she would had already alerted the police and/or wife.

I think it's unreasonable to control what her husband says, even if she doesn't approve. It's totally reasonable to ask him to limit responses to things like "she's doing better" or "fine" etc. because detailed medical info should be as private as she wants it to be.

I actually disagree with this. While it's true that the cancer is alot for the OP to go through, it is also alot for her husband to deal with. He should certainly feel free to discuss such an issue with his brother.

 

[chloelovesdisney]

Even if they committed a murder drug dealing or were involved in child molesting and child pornography?
Would you really defend them and be there for them in such case?

Yes. I would be there during the trials, visit them in prison and allow them to call. I would want them to face the consequences and go to prison, but that doesn't mean I would just pretend they didn't exist anymore.

 

[Boxley]

I was not asking the OP. It was a general question. Further more I think the husband could and should be much more supportive and break up with his brother. The OP is fighting the biggest fight of here life and the husband should listen to her and help her in every possible way.
If that means break up with somebody that obviously is dividing there marriage than the choice must be his wife. After all he did not marry the brother but if things would come to worst he could end up moving in with his brother.

Then why bring up those crimes that clearly have nothing to do with this situation? I also think that the issue isn't really between the BIL and the OP, but a control issue. The Op wants the split in the family and that is the fact that is unbelievable. With the little information there is in this point, it seems that this is NONE of the OP's business what the BIL did, however she is making it her business and wanting her husband to do the same and guess what, she is putting him in the middle of a situation that does not need to even exist. I understand that the OP is going through a hard time, cancer is a horrible thing, but perhaps the DH wants some semblence of support and is turning to his brother.

 

[okeydokey]

It's really hard to comment on this without knowing the whole story. At this point, I say let your DH handle his brother the way he wants to handle him.

 

[Sandy V.]

If 'scorned' can be used in a non-romantic way I suppose I do feel that way. I loved being part of such a close knit family and it was very important to me to share that with our children someday. Instead of the cheerful family gatherings they once were, holidays are now something to be endured because they mean being around someone I abhor.

I'm unsubscribing from this thread now because the first few posters were able to give me the perspective I needed. I think anyone with something constructive to say will be quite satisfied that we are going to speak with a professional about the situation; I only see the thread going in a more negative direction and I don't need that right now.

Thanks all!

It appears the OP has YAGE'd on her thread. I don't think she got the answers she wanted to hear.

 

[Becky2005]

I was not asking the OP. It was a general question. Further more I think the husband could and should be much more supportive and break up with his brother.

So...let's say the scenerio is the brother had a child when he was younger but didn't keep in touch with the child...and then the child came knocking on their doorstep. Maybe the BIL had a previous wife & child but didn't tell anyone, so was living a double life. We have no idea what the BIL did that was the core lie.

Are you saying the husband should now just cut his brother out of his life forever because the OP doesn't like the above scenerios? The thing is the OP isn't even happy with the generic answers of "she's fine" -- switch subject when the BIL directly asks. The only other way would be to avoid talking to the brother at all and without knowing what the secret is, that would be unfair to both the husband & brother.