Am I being unreasonable?

[Bluestars]

I think the OP is being reasonable. I can see the SIL making a request like that in her own home, but not while on vacation with others. I would never plan to meet people on vacation and make those requests.

Her husband isn't making a request to have no meat in the house. I'm sure he has a good reason for being a vegetarian, even if it not religious. Just because someone is observing a religious requirement, doesn't mean everyone should conform to them when they are all on vacation.

 

[maccagerl]

Luckily, your sil has given you plenty of advance notice as to her plans to observe Passover during your vacation.
From what you've said, even if you do accommodate her, you'll probably resent it - a vacation is supposed to be a time to get away from it all, to relax and enjoy yourselves, and if you're feeling encumbered by this , it won't be a great vacation.
so, I think you've got 2 options
1) change the date of your vacation so it doesn't coincide with Passover
2) don't stay in the same beach house, or at the very least, maybe you should plan to stay in a hotel or something for the last 2 days.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

 

[Lib E]

My MIL is very catholic and abstains from meat on Friday's. When she's with us we do the same and eat fish, even though none of us are big fish eaters. Stuff like this is only a big deal if you want to make it into one.

 

[Wishing on a star]

LibE, then you are being the gracious host, and having something a little different for a meal or two...

But to EXPECT/demand others to cater to some very very restrictive dietary demands because of your wishes..... To expect such restrictive control of what others eat.... not for a meal or two but for two days... COMPLETELY DIFFERENT SITUATION.

Sorry, but it is obvious here that the SIL has a sense of 'entitlement' the size of Texas, and control issues as well. That is simply NOT okay....

As other posters here have said... very clearly, the actual dietary restrictions are really not the big issue here... The rudeness and the entitlement and the family dynamics are the real issues at play here.

If SIL wants to strictly adhere to such restrictions... then fine... that is her choice... But, as has been said earlier.. It is simply not okay to make such impositions on others... If she is so concerned about Lent, the SIL should plan to leave a couple of days early and observe Lent... Not expect others to have to follow her religoius wishes. That is just not appropriate.

OP, it is never inappropriate or unreasonable to eat what fits YOUR needs.

What foods that a person eats, what goes into a person's body, is NEVER anybody elses business.

Not even the so called 'Religious' card applies here...

 

[OceanAnnie]

Something I think is important is the vegetarian issue. They already have a restrictive diet. If the OP's family isn't eating meat, then the bread is taken out of the equation for 2 days that does pose quite a challenge. A meal here or there is one thing, but 2 days? I'd do so some serious eating out if I were in that scenario.

I'm still wondering if the holiday is the only area that SIL will control. Does she have a history of control issues? If so, that would be a deal breaker for me.

 

[Wishing on a star]

The above post is correct... bread/grains are a big part of a vegetarian diet...

To find a nutritional and filling diet that is free of meat plus all of the bread/grains and all other dietary restrictions associated with Lent is no small task....

And, to me, adding in the fact that it is not just the OP alone, but hungry children who could possibly be picky eaters (ie: macaroni and cheese and/or peanut butter sandwiches are a staple necessity....)

I truely think that the SIL's expectations are way way way to much to ask.

I can only imagine somebody with serious control/entitlement issues even voicing such a request.

 

[Lib E]

There are some that don't consider adhering to the commandments of their religion to be a choice. The Torah is clear that having these items in the kitchen/home is prohibited during Passover. It's not just eating it, but it's having it there too.

I'm not religious, but I would never expect someone to bend on something that clearly means a lot to them when I all I have to for them to support them is modify what I eat in the home for a couple days. Donut shoppes and fast food restaurants will still be open if it turns out I can't hack it.

 

[Wishing on a star]

That would be fine if it were that simple...
It makes no difference whether it is considered a choice or not.

Note that nobody is asking the SIL to bend...
She is free to do what she feels necessary, such as get their own rental house, leave a couple days early, etc...

It is the SIL who is making the request for others to bend.
And, it is NOT the SIL's house... SIL is not asking others to respect her home, she is expecting others to alter their own residence (that ALL of them a sharing and paying for)

She is asking to control what many other people eat...

And it is not 'just the food'...
There are other, bigger, issues at stake here...

What if there are not a lot of convenient choices... These getaway beach houses are not usually located right in the thick of restaurants, etc...
EDITED TO ADD: I find the way you refer to the OP's dietary needs as fattening junk food such as donuts and fast-food to be extremely disrespectful and way way off target. Just wrong.

What if the eyebrows start going up and noses start going up when the OP and her family begin to leave to get something to eat??? A lot of emotional drama and angst.

Nobody is saying that the SIL can not have a home that meets her religious requirements... She is free to rent her own home or condo... She is free to leave a couple days early...

This is not just about one having some respect and cooperation...
What the SIL is asking is a MAJOR imposition.

 

[Wishing on a star]

It seems that the OP is is noticably absent here???

No further input or details????

 

[Bluestars]

I just can't see requesting someone adhere to such restrictions while they are on vacation. It's not like it's good enough to just keep the bread out of sight, it sounds like those products can't even be in the house.

If I practiced such strict adherence to something religious, I would either stay home, get my own place for the last two days, or leave early. I would not ask my family to refrain from keeping certain types of food in the house.

 

[disykat]

I have to disagree with the posters who are saying that because she only follows part of the food rules she isn't adhereing to passover and her food rules aren't important.

To me, that is like the poster here a few years back who said they didn't think people should have Christmas trees if they weren't celebrating Christmas as an entirely religious holiday.

It is very common to adopt parts of a holiday.

I'll state my opinion again since I'm here. I don't think it's unreasonable for the OP to want to be able to eat what she wants. I ALSO don't think it's unreasonable for SIL to be able to celebrate the holiday as she sees fit. It's just not a good time for the two people to be trying to stay in the same household.

 

[disneymyway]

It seems that the OP is is noticably absent here???

No further input or details????

Maybe she has a life, lol.

 

[RachelEllen]

Wow! Didn't expect so many responses.

To address some of the questions folks have:

1) Changing the dates is not an option. We are going during spring break.

2) Getting our own place is also not an option. My mother is actually paying for the trip out of the money my dad left her when he passed away. This is the second year we have all gone away together, and we are wanting to make a tradition of it. We could not afford to get a house at this resort! (I'm also trying to keep my mom out of this drama. It seems the hight of ingratitude to create stress for her around this.)

3) I actually suggested the restaurant thing myself! My sister-in-law (I'm crazy about her, btw) does have a "strong" personality. We get along well, because I (and my brother, incidentally) are very easy going. She and I also both have young children, and she's been my rock when I'm about to tear my hair out trying to take care of a colicy newborn.

4) The only kids involved (who eat solids) are their 2 year old and our 9 year old.

5) To explain the dynamic a little more, my husband and I are recently married. We have his son half the time, and spring break every other year. My husband was an older dad, kind of set in his ways. His vacation time with his son is especially precious to him, since he doesn't get to see him all the time. And, for the past 8 years, he used to having 100% control over how that time is spent. Now, he's in a new marriage, has a new baby, and he's really compromising all over the place (and doing generally very well at it) . So, I think this additional request just pushed him over the edge.

Honestly, I just want the vacation to happen. We actually all get along very well, and, with my dad passing away so recently, this family time is important. I think I'll just sit down with my brother and try to work something out.

(Oh, and I didn't mean to post and run. Just had a busy day!)

 

[Wishing on a star]

Maybe she has a life, lol.

If she's outa here, then so am I... We rented Wally to watch with DS tonight!

 

[Wishing on a star]

Honestly, I just want the vacation to happen. We actually all get along very well, and, with my dad passing away so recently, this family time is important. I think I'll just sit down with my brother and try to work something out.

Sounds like the perfect approach!

 

[C.Ann]

I don't have an opinion on whether you are being unreasonable.

What I do have an opinion on is the way grownups treat each other. You have been asked to accomodate someone's religious observance. Whether you also have other dietary restrictions has nothing to do with the request. You can either say, "Oh, sure - that won't be a problem. We can make up a couple of days worth of menus that are vegetarian AND bread and pasta free" or you can say, "I'm sorry. If you can have meat in the house we can have bread".

One of those ways is the grownup way and one of them is childish. One will get you a certain result in the long run and the other will get you another. You can decide for yourself which you want it to be.

-------------------

Considering this is in regards to a religious observance, I agree with the above..

 

[JoiseyMom]

But meals for this are very likely to NOT be vegetarian.

And I agree that if the SIL is really doing this right, it's going to be more than just not eating bread or pasta. She would be bringing her own set of pots and pans and dishes, silverware, etc, it's going to be a BIG deal.

And IMO if she's not doing all that, then this isn't that important to her.


ITA


Good to know! I had a feeling there was going to be a long list of things that are vegetarian but NOT kosher for Passover.




And marshmallows absolutely always contain corn syrup. So if corn is not kosher for Passover, marshmallows will never be.

There are marshmellows that are kosher and that are kosher for passover. The candy was some of my favorite things as a kid LOL!!

And of course they aren't vegetarian for the others in the house.




Hard to find, though!

Not really...but I guess it is where you live. Growing up in NYC, and now living in NJ. I have never had a problem finding kosher for Passover Coke! I actually stock up, since I don't let the kids drink stuff with HFCS! I just wish they made the caffeine free kosher for Passover too!!



I agree (especially b/c for hubby it IS partially for religion, in that he is Buddhist and doesn't want to kill any being...I'm not Buddhist but don't want to kill things and there is a whole long list of reasons I've been veggie since I was 20).

And I agree!



This is not childish response vs unchildish response. If the SIL is ONLY keeping bread/pasta out of the house, that's not really honoring Passover. So she's just putting some little part of it onto a family who chooses to eat in a certain way for, I'm sure, very good reasons. Any long-time vegetarian who accidentally eats meat can tell you, it HURTS to eat meat when you haven't for a long time!

You guys need to really talk some more. But ultimately I think you're going to have to change the dates so this time of year doesn't come between you, or rent more houses.

To find things that are vegetarian and kosher for passover isn't going to be something that's necessarily easy to do, and for SIL to ask this of your family is a big deal.

ITA!

 

[OceanAnnie]

Wow! Didn't expect so many responses.

To address some of the questions folks have:

1) Changing the dates is not an option. We are going during spring break.

2) Getting our own place is also not an option. My mother is actually paying for the trip out of the money my dad left her when he passed away. This is the second year we have all gone away together, and we are wanting to make a tradition of it. We could not afford to get a house at this resort! (I'm also trying to keep my mom out of this drama. It seems the hight of ingratitude to create stress for her around this.)

3) I actually suggested the restaurant thing myself! My sister-in-law (I'm crazy about her, btw) does have a "strong" personality. We get along well, because I (and my brother, incidentally) are very easy going. She and I also both have young children, and she's been my rock when I'm about to tear my hair out trying to take care of a colicy newborn.

4) The only kids involved (who eat solids) are their 2 year old and our 9 year old.

Honestly, I just want the vacation to happen. We actually all get along very well, and, with my dad passing away so recently, this family time is important. I think I'll just sit down with my brother and try to work something out.

(Oh, and I didn't mean to post and run. Just had a busy day!)

I'm glad you have good relationships (without a heavy history). It sounds like it's mainly the holiday. What about the beach? I remember my kids when they were 2, they really, really liked dry cereal, crackers to snack on! It would hold them until meals and it was easy for them to manage. Yes, there are other things but that was their favorite. I guess some of the time you could go for a stroller walk around the block for those kind of snacks or have them on the beach? The beach isn't off limits is it?

You sound reasonable and like you want it to work. You guys will find a way. Are you near any restaurants?

 

[JoiseyMom]

There are some that don't consider adhering to the commandments of their religion to be a choice. The Torah is clear that having these items in the kitchen/home is prohibited during Passover. It's not just eating it, but it's having it there too.

I'm not religious, but I would never expect someone to bend on something that clearly means a lot to them when I all I have to for them to support them is modify what I eat in the home for a couple days. Donut shoppes and fast food restaurants will still be open if it turns out I can't hack it.

If it meant alot to them then as a previous poster said there are more issues then just bread. You need to cleanse the entire home of chometz, you need to go to the temple to "sell" the chometz you do not get rid of (like canned goods etc...and all items not kosher for Passover that you will not be eating for those 8 days). She then needs to travel with pots, pans dishes and food that is JUST kosher for Passover. It does not seem like the SIL is doing this. She just wants no bread. Sorry..no bread is not doing Passover, and they can deal with bread that they don't have to eat in the beach house.

 

[Lib E]

EDITED TO ADD: I find the way you refer to the OP's dietary needs as fattening junk food such as donuts and fast-food to be extremely disrespectful and way way off target. Just wrong.

Get a grip and reread my post. I said if I couldn't hack it.