Am I being selfish?

[Kycha]

Is your graduation day set in stone? I don't know, I have not graduated from college. But I'm surprised they already have a date set for your graduation that won't occur for over 2 years.

 

[disfan07]

You posted that your brother doesn't even know that the weekend in question is when your're graduating. Once he knows they might change it. Expecting them to put it off a month though is IMO, asking a bit much.
You're assuming a whole lot of things. If this is college, who knows if you'll graduate right at that time. Dates change for both high school and college graduations.
Before flying off the handle, talk to your brother. Apparently you and your mother cannot discuss this to your satisfaction and after all she doesn't have any say in the wedding date chosen.

I am NOT EXPECTING them to put if off a month. I was just stating that I wish they would. I would never ask them to adn have no plans to ask them to.

And our college does not change graduation dates. They are set because the schedule is approved a few years in advance. And I have to graduate at that time because I will have been here 3 years from when I transferred to this school. Thats all they give you as a transfer....3 years.

 

[mhsjax]

I will tell you if my brother scheduled his wedding on the same weekend as my graduation, i wouldn't have to tell him to move it. My mom would. That would be the first thing of her mouth. YOu aren't being selfish and if you were my daughter I would tell him to pick another day. If he didn't we would probably have a big problem on our hands.

 

[golfgal]

It sounds like you are going off on this for no reason if your brother doesn't even know WHEN your graduation is. Call him today and let him know that your graduation is scheduled for that day. I have a feeling that he will say "oh, I didn't know that. Let me talk to Jane and we will figure out a new date". If he doesn't, then you can get upset.

 

[mhsjax]

I have gone back and read most of the replies. Yes you should not jump to conclusions before talking with your brother. No, it isn't selfish to want all your graduation activities including your dinner and party or whatever they do for you, on the same weekend as your graduation and not interfere at all with your brothers wedding. To me that isn't even an option and it wouldn't have been in my family growing up. As soon as we find out that there is a conflict in scheduling we change something. No a graduation and all that goes with it, would not have been changed and done on the weekend of graduation, unless extreme circumstances came up.

I think it is crazy to work around a wedding that is 2 years off. If you know, and you say you do, that the graduation is on a specific date, then unless there is some real reason he can't change the date of the wedding, he should change the date. If my DH sister was graduating , I would insist that the date be moved. Have to score points with the in laws. lol

I do think yo need to make sure your brother knows of the graduation, I bet he will change the date no problem.

 

[MissElizabeth]

I will tell you if my brother scheduled his wedding on the same weekend as my graduation, i wouldn't have to tell him to move it. My mom would. That would be the first thing of her mouth. YOu aren't being selfish and if you were my daughter I would tell him to pick another day. If he didn't we would probably have a big problem on our hands.

ITA. It sounds like you're not just upset about the possibility of this happening, but also that when you brought up the date to your mom she didn't instantly rise to your defense.

You're not being selfish at all. College graduation is huge- and for me the graduation ceremony was a huge deal.

Just talk to your brother, I'm sure he doesn't want to rain on your parade. If they waited for two years they can find another weekend at least two or three weeks after your graduation.

 

[happywanderer2]

no, you are not being selfish for wanting some validation from your parents for a day that is very important to you. And, while it would be nice if your grandparent could be there you must reluctantly realize that that it might not happen, brother's wedding or not. Don't argue with your mom, just tell her pointblank that you wished they could celebrate a milestone in your life with as much enthusiasm as they did for their other child.

 

[Disney Doll]

I don't see college graduation as a huge thing compared to weddings, but I would be upset if my family acted like me missing my graduation wasn't a big deal when big deals were made out of the others.

Call your brother! There's no reason to be upset if he doesn't even have any idea of the date of your graduation.

It's a long time away. If he can't be bothered to come up with a different date at this stage of the game when you have a milestone event already on the calendar, you do have a big problem.

I don't see the big deal of the next week. Graduations are a one day thing. My parents are in their 80's and although they are in good health they would be choosing which event to go to even if they were a month apart if they both involved substantial travel.

Your grandparents are aging, you may need to let go of some of your expectations earlier than you had hoped. I'm the youngest child too, and my events simply weren't attended the same way as my older siblings were because my grandparents were older when my events happened.

This. Especially the bolded part. My parents are in their 80's and there is NO WAY they would travel more than an hour for anything, and then we'd have to drive them. That kind of stuff just gets too difficult for older people to manage. We had a family wedding in December 2009 that was 30 minutes away. Because it was a winter wedding and an evening reception, we decided to stay overnight @ the hotel in case of bad weather...no sense driving home at midnight in the snow. We took my parents with us, and you would have thought that we were asking them to climb Mt.Everest carrying a sherpa-pack. I made their hotel arrangements, helped them pack, we drove them, I got them settled in the room, we drove them to the reception and it was STILL a MAJOR stressor for them. We have another family wedding in Long Island (1 hour away) in May and they have already proclaimed that they are not going.

If you have a good relationship with brother and his fiancee, why not talk to them and say "I hear you're looking at Spring 2013 for your wedding. I just want to let you know that my graduation date is June 1, 2013, so you can avoid that date".

As far as what your parents "did" for their other kids....parents are able to do different things at different times based on lifeand family circumstances at the time.

 

[DisneyNutMary]

I think the conversation you should be having is with your brother and his fiance. Maybe they will look at other dates if they know about your graduation. When the whole picture is put together, they will have to admit that both the graduation and wedding so close will be a burden both emotionally and financially to your parents, your grandparents and yourself- and what bride wants to start her married life with tension in between herself and her new husband's family.

It is easier to move a wedding date (a year and a half in advance) than it is to move a college graduation ceremony... imagine calling the dean and telling him you want to move the commencement ceremony because your brother is getting married

OP, you will probably fare better with your brother than your mother. I don't know about yours, but as my sister and I always say about my brothers, mom's world revolves around them, our big actions could never be as important as their little ones. We call my one brother the "prodigal son" mom kills the fatted calf for his (very rare) visits- we even tell my sister's kids to hide the dog, grandma might mistake him for a fatted calf.
[before I get flamed: it's all in fun]

Whatever happens, good luck, I hope clearer heads prevail and the two events can be separated by a few weeks so each can be given all the attention it deserves.

 

[goofy!]

Okay first question...can anyone else NOT edit posts???? It wont let me edit anything.

Second, it is college graduation and graduating in 2013.

We get 5 passes to commencement for each graduate. So my grandparents and my parents only make 4.

I dont know. re-reading my post I can see that I was overreacting when I wrote this. I was just very very frustrated.

I still think that it isnt fair but when I told my mom that I wouldnt be missing my graduation for his wedding and that I wasn't too thrilled about it being the weekend after either, she told me I was being very selfish so that just hit me hard and it hurt.

I would NEVER actually insist on it being a month after graduation. I would prefer it but obviously never INSIST on it.

I mean, whatever happens, happens and i'll deal with it and enjoy both graduation and my brothers wedding. With graduation, moving, flying cross country, the wedding, etc, it will just be A LOT in a week.

I dont know...I just needed to vent and was really wondering if my though process was really me being selfish about it.

Did your Mom call you selfish because you didn't want the wedding on your graduation day OR because you also were angry about the weekend after?

I would give your mother a pass if she was calling you selfish for trying to claim your weekend AND the weekend after just because you don't want them to be "thinking" about your brother's wedding. That is a tad selfish.

As I said before, give your parents credit. I am sure they will be there to support you on your weekend and can put aside the wedding for a couple of days.

And if they leave a couple of days later for your brother's weekend, why is that such a problem?

Take a deep breath, call your brother as others have said and see if you can work out a date that works for both of you. And remember that your mom was probably as heated as you were and needs some time (like you) to sit back and reflect.

Hope it all works out well.

 

[mjkacmom]

This. Especially the bolded part. My parents are in their 80's and there is NO WAY they would travel more than an hour for anything, and then we'd have to drive them. That kind of stuff just gets too difficult for older people to manage. We had a family wedding in December 2009 that was 30 minutes away. Because it was a winter wedding and an evening reception, we decided to stay overnight @ the hotel in case of bad weather...no sense driving home at midnight in the snow. We took my parents with us, and you would have thought that we were asking them to climb Mt.Everest carrying a sherpa-pack. I made their hotel arrangements, helped them pack, we drove them, I got them settled in the room, we drove them to the reception and it was STILL a MAJOR stressor for them. We have another family wedding in Long Island (1 hour away) in May and they have already proclaimed that they are not going.

If you have a good relationship with brother and his fiancee, why not talk to them and say "I hear you're looking at Spring 2013 for your wedding. I just want to let you know that my graduation date is June 1, 2013, so you can avoid that date".

As far as what your parents "did" for their other kids....parents are able to do different things at different times based on lifeand family circumstances at the time.

I'm lazy, so I just posted this. I'm sure your brother will not consider your college graduation weekend as a possible date for his wedding. However, I can't imagine why the following weekend won't be fine. The chances of your grandparents coming out for your graduation might be small, regardless of your brother's wedding. My grandmother came to mine (she was in her 80's), but couldn't manage my sister's, because of the travelling involved. She never made it to any of my graduations.

My IL's are in their 80's, and they went to events for their older grandchildren, that they just aren't able to do with my children - I totally understand.

 

[tiggersbombed2]

I think it's extremely selfish of your brother and his fiance. He had HIS time to shine at his graduation, he should be respectful of the fact that it is YOUR time to shine at your graduation. June ain't no big for weddings anymore. October is the big time now.

 

[sweetdana]

My heart goes out to you. I would be devistated. WORKING my tail off and wanting my family there to see my accomplishment.

I think they are being selfish, with it being this important to you, but it probably won't change.

You are not being selfish at all, you are being proud of yourself, which you should be. A graduation especially college is tough, and worth celebrating!

You worked your tail off for years for this, and the date is planned for you. Your brother maybe worked 5 yrs.. maybe 10 with a LONG relationship and can pick ANY DAY, AND weekend ANY time.. All in all I think going to a wedding is probably a bigger step and understand how someone wouldn't miss this. BUT big reason you are not out of line is HE COULD easily choose any other day and is choosing not to. HE has no right to pick your special day even your special weekend. I would make my son pick another time, explaining to him ALL of my family celebrations are so important to attend he has the option to pick another one, as you cannot, and needs to realize other people need to be thought about. I would go to your graduation, and skip the wedding if this was the date he picked. .. but I am not your mom
If this happens, go graduate, be proud of yourself and do not look back.
I AM SOO SOOO SOOO SOOO SORRY. THIS IS crap because someone is not thinking about someones eles feelings

 

[focusondisney]

Hmmm, wedding & graduation 2 plus years away. Anything can happen in 2 years OP. Lots of college students don't graduate when they first expected to. What if you have problems & can't graduate then? And if Grandparents are already in their 80's with health problems, that's not going to be better in 2 years. As others have said, many people that age are unable to travel, anyway.

I'm sure your parents will be happy for you & very proud of your graduation. However, life has moved on for all of you & to think your celebration will be exactly as your brother's was isn't realistic. The mature thing is to accept that & be happy & celebrate in the present. Making a "sibling rivalry" issue will backfire & make you look bad. IMHO. Maybe your mom got mad because she is tired of having to deal with "sibling rivalry".

I can see the brother's fiance posting: " Future SIL pouting & acting like she owns the whole month. Trying to plan our wedding, date has significance to us but she wants the whole month reserved for her graduation. And she has had struggles in the past so who knows if she will even graduate then."

I can see asking brother & future SIL to not pick your expected graduation date. But any other date is fair game. Please be graceous to the engaged couple & I hope they will be to you, too.

 

[Queen2PrincessG]

OP I hope that you have spoken to your brother and talked about the date. I find that some times it just a misunderstanding.

Yes two years is a long time but it's your graduation and weddings are just big expensive parties in the end. And sometimes they don't last.

I hope you talk to your brother and you guys can figure something out. My answer is NO you ARE NOT being selfish.

 

[Kycha]

I think it's extremely selfish of your brother and his fiance. He had HIS time to shine at his graduation, he should be respectful of the fact that it is YOUR time to shine at your graduation. June ain't no big for weddings anymore. October is the big time now.

How is the brother selfish? He doesn't even know there is a conflict.

 

[momof1princess]

op, i don't think you're being selfish at all. my brother missed my HS graduation to attend one of his gf's softball games, and i was EXTREMELY hurt. heck, it's still a sore spot. she had about 40 more games that summer, but his sister only graduated from HS ONCE. i have some idea of the hurt you're feeling.
anyway, i think you need to sit down with your brother AND his fiance and explain to them how important your graduation is to you, and what your feelings are about this being a special time for you, and how much you want everyone to be able to attend, while allowing you to have the spotlight to yourself, as your brother did at HIS graduation. with it being two years out, i seriously doubt venues are booked solid (i could be wrong, depending upon where you live-here, it wouldn't be an issue), and they should have a wide range of dates to choose from, without interfering with your graduation weekend. i'm sure if you calmly express your feelings to them, the three of you can come to some sort of resolution that will work for everyone. but YOU need to talk to them-don't rely on your parents. if you do it by phone, ask that they both be on the line. good luck!

 

[MagicalMom]

The sad things is, degrees are forever...marriages aren't. Go to your graduation and be proud. A 2 yr engagement tells me that one of them isn't even sure what the future holds so there is always a possibility the wedding never takes place.

 

[VisionPilot]

2 years is a long time and a lot can happen. As has been mentioned already, a 2 year engagement doesn't always end up in marriage. Not to mention that there's no guarantee that your graduation will happen on time as well. In my case, a paperwork error caused my college graduation to happen a semester later. I had finished my coursework for a fall graduation as planned, but ended up not officially graduating until the spring term. In those same last 2 years of college, all 4 of my grandparents, an uncle and my mother all passed away in separate deaths. My mother's death happened the day after my last final exam. She told me she was proud of me on her deathbed knowing that I had finished.

While it does stink that your big moment may get overshadowed, I wouldn't get too worked up about it 2 years in advance as so many things can happen. Just love on your family and let things happen as they may.

 

[LuvOrlando]

I understand that you want your day to be your day but I don't understand why you are so convinced that people are incapable of being happy about 2 things at once. Assuming your family do love you I am having a really hard time with this because it just makes no sense to me. In fact, if anything, sharing the weekend would make things easier for your grandparents because being in their 80's cross country trips aren't easy so why create a bigger expense and stress than is necessary

June is a very popular time for weddings, just look at all the Bride books, your brother and fiance are just being a normal couple and a normal couple does not stop and consider things like other people's graduation plans ect when planning a wedding, heaven knows I didn't and I don't know anyone else who ever did either.

I just don't get this at all so I think it would be a really good idea to cool off & calm down before you talk to your brother at all. Maybe in a few days you'll feel better about this whole thing.