Am I being selfish?

[ruadisneyfan2]

I hope this is posted in the right place!!

Okay, I am getting a bonus for work. I have been working away from home for the past 4 months and have 2 months to go. (I have posted about this before)

Anyway, I am getting a decent bonus for this. (I will also be getting a yearly bonus in February around the same time our tax check will come back.)

I want to spend the money on a new window for our front room (which needs replaced badly!!), our airfare for our trip (if it hasnt already been bought) and I want to get myself a new DSLR camera.

My DH does not want me to get the camera. He doesnt really say what he wants to spend the money on. He just says it's too much money for a camera and that he wants another baby. LOL

We are doing okay financially. We do not have any credit card debt. We are paying off some medical bills, but those should be paid off by then. And the only other thing we have is my student loans that I pay on each month.

So, am I being selfish by wanting a new camera? I wanted one last year and he again told me no. So I compromised and bought a new digital camera on Black Friday. But, I really want a DSLR camera and I kinda think this is my chance as this is "free" money that we were not planning on having.

So, tell me what you think!

sorry, I couldn't read through all the replies but dh wanted a DSLR camera too. I'm a point n shoot kind of girl so I couldn't see why he'd want a big bulky thing. Also it was a ton of $$! He bought one barely used on ebay, Nikon D70, and all I can say is WOW. What a difference. It's really noticeable for portraits; they look almost professional. We have some amazing shots of our boys from that camera that I absolutely adore that we'd never have from my camera. Now when I want really good photos of something, I tell dh to bring his camera.

I'd love to post some so your dh could see but we're painting all weekend and this is my 5 min morning coffee time.

btw, dh bought it with side $ from doing handyman type work around our neighborhood and working OT.

It's not like you're using your whole bonus on yourself. Window and airfare, and even the camera to some degree, is all for your family. Not like you're shoe shopping with it and getting a spa day.

Good luck!

 

[wide awake]

I agree w/ your DH. I am a living in the present person. Don't like to look at pictures even if they're my own, and REALLY don't want to see someone else's. People get so busy trying to preserve the moment they don't enjoy it while it is happening. I'd put that money toward the flooring you say you need. That is something your whole family would get use out of, and it preserves the value of your home. I know there will be those that disagree, but anytime you buy a tech item something new and more expensive comes along, and then people want to upgrade...the thing they HAD to have is suddenly worthless. It is a neverending expensive cycle.

 

[apnep]

I agree w/ your DH... I'd put that money toward the flooring you say you need. That is something your whole family would get use out of, and it preserves the value of your home.

But she already wants to put a good majority of the money toward items "for the family." She worked hard and she should get enjoy some of the money just for herself.

OP, you haven't really said what your DH's reason is for NOT wanting you to get one. What's his beef? Has he even told you?

 

[Mommee]

Well, I guess I'll be the dissenting voice. It sounds like you already have one child and that you have been gone for 4 months already with 2 more to go. Your husband has been holding down the home fort while you've been away and without his help, you wouldn't have been able to be away for 6 months to earn this bonus. IMO, it belongs to both of you. Any income in our family (whether expected or not) belongs to the family and each person makes a case for whatever it is that they want or need. With that said, can you sell the camera you have now to apply some funds to the new DSLR? That would show him you're trying to be smart about it and bring down the cost of the camera you really want.

-Astrid

Totally agree. Whether it's a bonus or regular salary, it's still income. It would be selfish to not acknowledge that the husband has been holding down the fort on his own.

No, the $2500 is what I expect after taxes, give or take.

And did you tell your husband what you wanted to do, or did you ask him for his input and then decide?

I don't think you're being selfish at all. It sounds like your husband is being controlling. Especially since you listened to him last time and put off the camera, the least he could do is be ok with you getting it this time. It's YOUR bonus therefore YOU get to make the decision of what to do with it, unless of course you told him what he could and could not do with his last bonus. You are within your rights to do what you want with your money, especially since you took his advice about the camera last time and he still won't give you a better idea for what to do with the money.

But she didn't. She bought a different camera. And now she wants the one that she agreed she wasn't getting.

But she already wants to put a good majority of the money toward items "for the family." She worked hard and she should get enjoy some of the money just for herself.

OP, you haven't really said what your DH's reason is for NOT wanting you to get one. What's his beef? Has he even told you?

BUT. Does the husband want the money used in that way? If he doesn't agree with how she's using it, she doesn't get brownie points for spending it that way.

-----------

I don't think you should get the camera, the window, OR the airfare. I think you should sit down with your husband and ask him what he feels should be done with the money. Not tell him what you think, but listen to his ideas first. Pull the camera entirely out of the equation. If you each get a "fun money" portion of the bonus, yours can go towards a camera fund.

I also think that it would be wise to have a plan of action in place beforehand on what to do with future bonuses.

 

[apnep]

But she didn't. She bought a different camera. And now she wants the one that she agreed she wasn't getting

But she's been wanting the dslr camera for a couple of years now and DH hasn't given a good reason for why she can't get one? She settled for the P&S to appease the husband.

BUT. Does the husband want the money used in that way? If he doesn't agree with how she's using it, she doesn't get brownie points for spending it that way.

That, we don't know, she has not stated how he wants to use it or his reasons for why she can't get the camera.

I don't think you should get the camera, the window, OR the airfare. I think you should sit down with your husband and ask him what he feels should be done with the money. Not tell him what you think, but listen to his ideas first.

I agree with this. Communication is very important but I also don't think that just telling your spouse "No, I don't want you to get it" is a good enough reason. I do agree that both parties to should decide how the majority of the money is spent, but, since she earned it, she should get to blow some of it on herself and he should get some blow money too. It sounds to me like there is a bigger issue going on than just this camera though...

 

[taximomfor4]

speaking as the spouse at home (not getting the paycheck), for a different perspective.

I don't consider dh's pay, extra or otherwise, as HIS money. He worked outside the home more, leaving me to work inside the home more. We both worked for the extra income.

That said, talk to him. See what his top wishes are to do with the extra money. Maybe he doesn't want the new window, you do. And maybe he doesn't want another WDW vacation (so no airfare), you do. And obviously he doesn't want a DSLR, you do.

Maybe ask if he feels better about doing half to play, half to pay (my motto for extra money, lol). $1250 goes to whichever necessity (bills, new window counts if you really NEED it, not just WANT it, student loans, college fund, or a combination), $1250 to play with (either $625 each or $1250 for you to play with togethter).

To decide what is right, you need to see both sides. Right now, you don't. Hopefully he'll share his ideas and reasoning but might not, if he hears that the money is "yours" and that "you earned it." It minimizes what he has done, especially if the child has been home with him all these months.

 

[laliwalden]

Ok, OP here. I will try and answer some questions!!

As far as paying off my student loans before buying anything, that is just not going to happen. LOL, sorry. I will be paying student loans for a while and I cannot wait that long to buy something.

As for his money/my money, we don't really work that way either. I have my own account, and we have a joint account. (our joint account was his before we got married, he just added me. And, he never asked to be added to mine, so we never did that)

We both work full time. I do make about double what he makes. Last year I made triple. It does not seem to bother my husband. I really don't care where the money comes from as long as it's coming in.

Adding in- I just saw a PP say maybe he doesnt want the window or the airfare. He does want the vacation, he is so excited about it!! He has not said anything about not buying the airfare. As for the window, quite honestly, that is just too bad. It needs replaced, that is not a want, it is a need. We have to be responsible homeowners and maintain upkeep on our home. Maybe that makes me sound awful, but it's the truth. When I asked him yesterday what we should do with the money, he said save it. I asked him, don't you think the window needs replaced? He says, yeah, I guess. LOL, the trim around this window is rotting, I am afraid if we wait too much longer, it will be much bigger and more inexpensive than just replacing a window.

Now, I will be totally honest, I am a recovering shopaholic!! I have really come a long way in the past 2 years. I used to shop every single week. Spending hundreds of dollars on "stuff". I am still working on it and deal with it every day.

I have wanted this camera for about 2 years, but it has been part of me working on my shopping addiction that I have not bought it. The old me would have just went and bought it, so I have come a long way.

We are still talking about it. We have decided for sure that the window needs done. After that, we got nothing!! We did agree to put some of the money into savings, but not all of it. And what we will spend the rest of the money on is up in the air.

I think that answered all the questions. Let me know if there is anything I missed!!

Thanks for all you insight!!

 

[Jey12]

I don't really have an opinion on wether you're being selfish or not. I think as long as you and DH come to an agreement and no one feels hurt by the end of the decision whatever you do is fine.

As for the camera issue all by itself I was in a similiar situation with DH last year. I agree that photos are what lasts long beyond the moment. To me taking photos ranks right up there just below the actual needs list. My honest opinion is if you aren't happy with your pictures using a regular digital you probably aren't going to be happy with a more expensive camera. A better camera doesn't always mean the photo is going to be better. A camera can by used by any person to capture the moment. A photographer can use any camera and capture the memory.

Now I'm not trying to guess on the quality of your pictures, they are probably awesome and that's why you want to upgrade. So please don't feel I'm saying your pictures are going to be awful no matter what camera you use or anything. My experience is that my SIL had to have a DSLR last year. She spent over $800 for one and honestly you can't tell if she's using that camera or an old 110 film one for her pictures. I spent $200 last year for a nice point and shoot and I often get asked where I had my child's pictures taken, or where I bought the landscape picture hanging in my living room. They laugh when I say I paid $2 for it to be printed off at Costco.

Of course any decision you make is one I'm sure will be the right one for your family. My DH always complains when I do a camera upgrade too, but then I point out how much we save by not having to pay professional prices for pics of our DD. Instead of upgrading last time we had some extra money I bought better photo editing equipment, enrolled in a digital photography course, and got studio lighthing and background stuff for a fraction of the price of a DSLR. Oh well one day I will finally justify the cost of one...

Anyway like I said I really don't have a strong opinion on if you should buy it or not. You earned the money, and as long as it's not going to create a huge rift between DH and yourself I say you're entitled to splurge a bit. Then again adding to your child's college fund is also a wise investment and one you can't go wrong with. I just wouldn't want you to debate with this decision and still not be happy with the DSLR is why I commented. Good luck either way you decide.

This thread might help you with your decision. It talks about what is involved in the actual cost of buying a DSLR. The camera itself and a lens are just the start for what you will actually need to fully benefit from this type of camera.

http://www.disboards.com/showthread.php?t=2549532

 

[yashasvi]

Let me explain a little bit about my husband- he is fine with mediocre. He does not care if things are "nice". For instance, I want to get new flooring in the house next year, he says our flooring is fine. While there are no holes or anything in it. It is stained and some of it is horrible color and old. It should be replaced. He thinks it is fine, I want it to be nicer.

Though I love cameras and I am with you on wanting an SLR, it does appear to me that I'm on the same wavelength as your DH, while my DW would likely agree with you!

That said, having been on this board for a couple of weeks now, it appears to me that asking the question here is like preaching to the choir. Folks here are - or appear to be - much more well off financially than average. You need to ask it at, say clarkhoward.com, where folks will dissect your financial life like nobody's business!

- Y's Dad

PS: And who says you cannot get good pictures with a non-SLR camera?

 

[Michelle and crew]

Well, I guess I'll be the dissenting voice. It sounds like you already have one child and that you have been gone for 4 months already with 2 more to go. Your husband has been holding down the home fort while you've been away and without his help, you wouldn't have been able to be away for 6 months to earn this bonus. IMO, it belongs to both of you. Any income in our family (whether expected or not) belongs to the family and each person makes a case for whatever it is that they want or need. With that said, can you sell the camera you have now to apply some funds to the new DSLR? That would show him you're trying to be smart about it and bring down the cost of the camera you really want.

-Astrid

Family money entirely. You couldn't have done it without him. Frankly I'd give it all to him for combat pay. You had it easy thanks to him.

 

[melancholywings]

I thought making babies was free?

With each of our bonuses we always get one resonable item for ourselves that we wouldn't otherwise have purchased as a treat. We don't police each other on what that item is...although we do have a price point in mind for what we can spend. Usually it's 1/4th or 1/6th of the amount recieved.

I paid $450 for my Nikon and I am in love with it. That camera is a huge part of who I am. I've taken some amazing pictures of our family with it. If something happened and I had to pick between the camera and a trip to Disney...the camera would win (but don't tell Disney that...)

 

[hopemax]

I don't work outside the home. When it comes to DH's salary and bonuses, most of it is considered "family" money, but we reserve some portion of it for him to do whatever he wants no matter how frivolous I think it is. After all, he was the one to actually work for it, I think he should have some reward. How much is his money to do with what he wants is dependent on our circumstances at the time.

Needs do come first. If we know there are car repairs, or medical bills or something, maybe he only gets $100 to buy new games. But we do try to get him something. If nothing is pressing, then it might be more, like recently he got an iPad; he's gone on road trips with his soccer buds, etc. And we try to set it up so that I can have some splurge money too. Although, this is usually a much smaller amount than what his is. The sum of our "splurges" is usually less than half the total, so the majority does go to "family."

It sounds like you need a financial plan, besides just what to do about this specific situation. You need to figure out how you can have your money to do things like save up for your camera, he probably would like a splurge fund too, you need to figure out what portion of money goes to home repairs, and how you decide when to upgrade, what goes to vacation and how to decide where that is, etc. And if there isn't enough money to go around, how to prioritize.

Earlier this month I told DH that I think I am ready for a dSLR. But I don't plan on getting it until late next year at the earliest. I have let him know that this is important to me, and I want to work it into our budget and given ourselves plenty of time to work out a plan. I'm starting research so we know exactly how much the body, lens and extras are going to cost. And that's what we did with his iPad too. He shared with me how important it was, researched it so we knew what cost in entailed, and then when the money came, all we had to do was go get it.

 

[peigirl]

Maybe he is going to surprise you with one for Christmas

Paula

 

[Shyvioletisme]

So, you all ready want a portion to go for a new window for the house, airfare for the family trip? That is contributing to the family and to the house, get your camera.

this. you are already spending 2/3 of your bonus on things to benefit the whole family and really the camera is benefiting the whole family as well with the gorgeous photos you will have as memories. I say get your camera. It's not selfish.

 

[Disneywedding2010]

Amen, sistah!!

Personally, I feel like MY bonus money is MY money. With all the OP is putting toward the family with this bonus, I think she's entitled to splurge on herself a little bit.

No offense, OP, but yer DH sounds like a bit of a control freak.

Enjoy YOUR bonus...you worked hard for it.

Agree with the bolded. Your the one who busted your butt for that bonus and I honestly feel he has no right to tell you how you can spend your bonus. If my fiance tried that stunt with me there would be an all out war in our household

 

[riley2008]

First, I must confess that I didn't read past the first page of posts, but for some reason I feel the need to express myslef to another person who doesn't care what I have to say.

My DH spent 9 days a month away, in addition to his 24/48hr schedule for 18 months! So in a 30 period, he was gone about 16 days. I didn't think it would ever end. After the training, he got a bonus and a raise....and a 55 inch TV. I got my DH back! Enough of a bonus for me!

OP - explain to your husband why you want the camera. There are some things that DH values over other things and vice versa for me. He cares considerably about some electronics and the vacuum cleaner. I am happy with the mediocre for both. Now, when we moved into our home, matching door knobs were important to me and I HAD to change out the 5 different finishes an styles before we even moved in. He didn't even notice.

IMHO - The camera sounds like something you've wanted for a very long time. This is not a binge item. You can afford it. Talk to your husband and get it!

Can't wait to see pictures that you get to take with it!

 

[laliwalden]

Family money entirely. You couldn't have done it without him. Frankly I'd give it all to him for combat pay. You had it easy thanks to him.

Family money, okay. Couldn't have done it without him? Not true, sure it was easier, but I could have done it. And give it all to him? NO WAY!! LOL, sorry, not happening. I have been working like a crazy person up here. I came to a place that was in need and I am helping turn it around. It is not easy.

He has a fairly easy job, works about 25-30 hours a week. So, he has to drive our DD to the babysitter everyday all by himself? Sorry, thats not worth him getting my entire bonus.


Anyway, here is an update- I am actually getting a little more than I thought. So this is what we are doing with the money. Still replacing the window (which will get us a tax credit next year! ), buying our airfare for our trip, getting my new camera, and getting him a new cellphone.

I will have some extra to put towards my school (I am working on finishing my Bachelors), some for spending money, and some for Christmas. Anything that is left, which will be some, will be split between my DDs college fund and a savings account my flooring in the house!! YEAH!!

And, DH is happy with this agreement now. LOL, he has been wanting a new phone, so that was all it took!!

 

[Colleen27]

I don't think it is selfish at all, but boy do I feel your pain. My husband is the "make do" type too and always has a hard time with purchases he sees as non-essential, particularly when it comes to technology.

That said he bought me a dSLR for Christmas a couple years ago, after I'd been coveting one pretty much since they first came out, and now he totally gets it. Our son plays football, and there's just no comparing a point & shoot to my SLR for catching on-field action, and I've taken to doing the kids' holiday and birthday photos myself (which solved a problem right there, because professional pictures are another of those things he just doesn't "get" spending money on!).

 

[pearlieq]

DH and I have some magic words between us. They are words that, unless the outcome is going to hurt us or put us in danger, are respected and are the end of any discussion. They are not used often, or lightly, but they're been used a couple of times and that was the end of the issue.

The words are "This is important to me."

We are individuals and have wishes and wants that are sometimes impossible for the other to understand. But we're also both adults and are entitled to realize our dreams if possible. 99.9% of things are open to discussion and oftentimes we can make compelling arguments and convince the other of our point. But sometimes you just want what you want.

I'll probably never get why DH needed that Palm Pilot or giganto laptop, and he may never get why it was such a big deal for me to take my mom on vacation. But these things were meaningful to us and part of our marriage is allowing each other the space to be ourselves.

 

[Justsyd2]

Family money entirely. You couldn't have done it without him. Frankly I'd give it all to him for combat pay. You had it easy thanks to him.

I agree with this, and I'll add that in our home any extra bonus money is divided equally, and we are each free to do as we please with it.