Am I being mean? Very long

[belleandthebeast]

My Mom thinks I'm being mean. I want some opinions. There's no right or wrong here.

Yesterday I take my Mom and DNiece(10) into the city to see the Christmas show. I notice some things my DNiece did and corrected her. But I felt like I was correcting her ALL DAY long. For instance, I asked her (and then yelled) repeatedly to walk in between my Mom and I. The city is a big place and a lot of people will just mow you over to get to where they're going. So my DNiece continually walks beside me, ahead of me, where ever I asked her not to be, she was. So it catches up with her and at one point while trying to get AHEAD of me, she fell. She was okay but came very close to bashing her chin off the concrete. Another thing, she licks her fingers. I cannot stand this. I correct her all the time at home. I don't expect her to be 10 years old, in a restuarant, and licking her fingers. THIS DRIVES ME INSANE. I asked her to use her napkin. And, we're in the theater and she's sitting on the chair with her legs wide open with her hand laying in between. So again, I corrected her. I asked her to please sit with her legs closed. She's ten. She was raised with manners. She gave me a hard time. Said she couldn't sit with her legs closed. WTH? So again, I lost my patience. All she needs is a beer and her hand down her pants instead of laying on top and she can be Al Bundy!

So my Mom thinks I'm being mean. She says that I expect my DNiece to be perfect and that I should leave her alone. Part of my problem with her is that she is overweight for her age (more on the very overweight side) and does not carry herself well. She just schlopps herself around the place. The issue is, as she gets older, this is going to become a very large problem for her. I was a chubby child. I know what it's like. I don't want her to face the same issues and traumas I had to as a child. Maybe that is getting in the way.

My main issue is that now she'll tell her mother I was mean without getting the chance to explain why I was on her case all day. So when I do get a chance to talk to her, I will most certainly explain that her 10 year old acts like a slob and got mad when I told her (I didn't really tell her but I did very much feel that way).

I don't feel like I'm being mean. I feel that someone has to correct the child. I love my niece very much. I'm very concerned for her. So, am I being mean? Or should I mind my own business because she's not my child?

Beyond that, we had a great time. She enjoyed the city and the show. And we ate at Planet Hollywood (her choice) which I really liked.

 

[CheshireVal]

If she was 5, I'd say you were mean. But a 10 year old is old enough to learn manners! (Though I also think 10 is old enough to not have to walk in between two adults!)

 

[MELSMICE]

I have no problem correcting my nieces or nephews, but that's the type of relationship I have with my siblings.

I don't see an issue with correcting your niece. I wouldn't yell about it though. Kids really don't "hear" when you yell.

BTW - you should probably put your flame suit on - this one could get messy!

 

[azgal81]

I don't think it's your place to corrent the child that's what her parents are for.

The seating thing really isn't a big deal. I can see how walking between you might have been a big deal if she was younger but its different when the child is ten.

 

[Fitswimmer]

If she was 5, I'd say you were mean. But a 10 year old is old enough to learn manners! (Though I also think 10 is old enough to not have to walk in between two adults!)

I still put my 20 year old niece between me and another adult whenever possible-old habits are hard to break.

It sounds like maybe there are some self esteem issues there or something. She's certianly old enough for basic manners.

 

[CathrynRose]

My Mom thinks I'm being mean. I want some opinions. There's no right or wrong here.


So my Mom thinks I'm being mean. She says that I expect my DNiece to be perfect and that I should leave her alone. Part of my problem with her is that she is overweight for her age (more on the very overweight side) and does not carry herself well. She just schlopps herself around the place. The issue is, as she gets older, this is going to become a very large problem for her. I was a chubby child. I know what it's like. I don't want her to face the same issues and traumas I had to as a child. Maybe that is getting in the way.


I don't feel like I'm being mean. I feel that someone has to correct the child. I love my niece very much. I'm very concerned for her. So, am I being mean? Or should I mind my own business because she's not my child?
.

I hope youre looking for honesty....

Im glad youre not my aunt, cuz yeah - I think youre being mean!

It not about minding your own business cuz she's not your child, how about just being nice to her, cuz she's your niece?

And if she is as chubby as you say she is, Im sure she gets plenty of picking-on when she's at school. To have it done with her family - I feel bad for her.

Let her enjoy her time with you - overweight, mannelerless,etc or not.

 

[missypie]

To be perfeclty honest, if I were her, I wouldn't want to go anywhere else with you. Aunts are supposed to be fun!!!

You can't change a child's habits and long-standing behavior in a day. If her parents haven't taught her to use a napkin in 10 years, you can't be expected to teach her to in one meal.

In the future, I'd make one comment about each issue, then let it lie (except for the safety related ones, which you can't give up on.)

 

[SC Minnie]

I don't think you were mean but I wasn't there to hear the tone in your voice.

DD is 12 and I have expected her to use her manners for many years.

 

[dodukes]

Well I am not sure it is mean. I think the corrective behavior for the licking and walking ahead are things i would have done as well. I dont want my child getting lost or "taken" cuz they are so far ahead, when i babysit my friends kid, (granted he is 5) he knows he ha to hold my hand, not everywhere but definetely outside and close to street and especially if its crowded. For a 10 yo, i would be maybe a bit more lenient but not walking on a crowded street. The licking of your fingers in public is just disgusting so i would most definetely tell her we dont do that, if she were at home i would be more willing to let it pass.
What i probably wouldnt have corrected was the sitting in the theater, you are in the dark and really you should see how i sit sometimes..lol..its not like anybody would see her or up her pants or anything so that in my opinion was just picking at straws. Im thinking you are having such an issue with her weight, as admitted by you that maybe just every little thing bothers you????....
I am not sure but i dont think correcting certain behaviors , manner wise, is being mean, but if you keep picking at her for everything, it may be mean or she may think you are mean and picking on her....have you thought that maybe she will start to not want to spend time with you???

 

[disneymama73]

My Mom thinks I'm being mean. I want some opinions. There's no right or wrong here.

Yesterday I take my Mom and DNiece(10) into the city to see the Christmas show. I notice some things my DNiece did and corrected her. But I felt like I was correcting her ALL DAY long. For instance, I asked her (and then yelled) repeatedly to walk in between my Mom and I. The city is a big place and a lot of people will just mow you over to get to where they're going. So my DNiece continually walks beside me, ahead of me, where ever I asked her not to be, she was. So it catches up with her and at one point while trying to get AHEAD of me, she fell. She was okay but came very close to bashing her chin off the concrete. Another thing, she licks her fingers. I cannot stand this. I correct her all the time at home. I don't expect her to be 10 years old, in a restuarant, and licking her fingers. THIS DRIVES ME INSANE. I asked her to use her napkin. And, we're in the theater and she's sitting on the chair with her legs wide open with her hand laying in between. So again, I corrected her. I asked her to please sit with her legs closed. She's ten. She was raised with manners. She gave me a hard time. Said she couldn't sit with her legs closed. WTH? So again, I lost my patience. All she needs is a beer and her hand down her pants instead of laying on top and she can be Al Bundy!

So my Mom thinks I'm being mean. She says that I expect my DNiece to be perfect and that I should leave her alone. Part of my problem with her is that she is overweight for her age (more on the very overweight side) and does not carry herself well. She just schlopps herself around the place. The issue is, as she gets older, this is going to become a very large problem for her. I was a chubby child. I know what it's like. I don't want her to face the same issues and traumas I had to as a child. Maybe that is getting in the way.

My main issue is that now she'll tell her mother I was mean without getting the chance to explain why I was on her case all day. So when I do get a chance to talk to her, I will most certainly explain that her 10 year old acts like a slob and got mad when I told her (I didn't really tell her but I did very much feel that way).

I don't feel like I'm being mean. I feel that someone has to correct the child. I love my niece very much. I'm very concerned for her. So, am I being mean? Or should I mind my own business because she's not my child?

Beyond that, we had a great time. She enjoyed the city and the show. And we ate at Planet Hollywood (her choice) which I really liked.

This is just my own opinion from what I pointed out in your post above, but it doesn't seem like care for your niece very much. My sister has corrected my DDs on occasion, but has never yelled at them. It sounds like you are nitpicking a little. 10 yrs old seems a little old to have to walk in between two adults.

 

[mickeyboat]

I appreciate the fact that you love your neice so much, and sincerely care about her and her future. However, to a certain extent, I think your mom was right.

I can understand any you would want her to walk between you and your mother, so as a matter of safety, it was right for you to correct her - over and over if necessary - her safety was your responsibility.

However, it is your neice's parents' responsibility to teach her manners and to make her sit up straight. It isn't your job. If my aunt spent all day correcting me over and over for every little transgression, I would probably not want to spend time with her anymore.

That being said, there is a fine line. I wouldn't think twice about asking my neice to use her napkin and sit with her legs together, but I would not make a big issue over it, or be on her case all day long. And unless I was really close to her parents, and spent a lot of time with my neice, I wouldn't say anything to her parents, either.

Denae

 

[mickeyfan2]

She is old enough for basic manners. But with that said you are not her parent, so yelling at her is not appropriate, except in life threatening situations. You knew how she was and you took her anyway. I suggest you don't take here to places where her behavior embarrasses you.

 

[poohandwendy]

Please, please, please try not to be so hard on your niece. She is at a very tender age, you may remember it yourself.

It's the age where you are uncomfortable in your own skin, half-grown but still immature. Almost every normal girl goes through this awkward age. (and if she is overweight, all the more self conscious she may be)

She will either remember you as the aunt who had a positive impact on her or remember you as the aunt who was rigid and unkind to her. Your actions will make all the difference in her life.

I say this because you have an opportunity to help her become the gracious young woman you would like her to be. But noticing everything she does wrong and making it a battle isn't the way to go about it. I would definitely try to reinforce proper manners, but in a very quiet, gentle and kind way.

 

[Crankyshank]

if she is significantly overweight, she might not physically be able to cross her legs. She also might have horrible self esteem which is why she dresses slobbily and was sensitive to your harsh comments.

I would think someone that admittedly had a weight problem when she was younger would have more sensitivity to the self-esteem of an overweight 10yr old girl.

 

[CathrynRose]

To be perfeclty honest, if I were her, I wouldn't want to go anywhere else with you. Aunts are supposed to be fun!!!

Me either.

I sure hope she wasnt looking forward to a day of fun with Auntie - and she got that. Cuz again - Im not trying to be ignorant, but my son would be crushed if he got told how wrong he was, allllll day long.

 

[disneymama73]

Please, please, please try not to be so hard on your niece. She is at a very tender age, you may remember it yourself.

It's the age where you are uncomfortable in your own skin, half-grown but still immature. Almost every normal girl goes through this awkward age. (and if she is overweight, all the more self conscious she may be)

She will either remember you as the aunt who had a positive impact on her or remember you as the aunt who was rigid and unkind to her. Your actions will make all the difference in her life.

I say this because you have an opportunity to help her become the gracious young woman you would like her to be. But noticing everything she does wrong and making it a battle isn't the way to go about it. I would definitely try to reinforce proper manners, but in a very quiet, gentle and kind way.

Very well said.

 

[Minnie824]

Well, I agree with having her walk close to you. In a big city, or anywhere, you have to be careful. As for how she was sitting...did she have a skirt/dress on? If not, who cares how she sat? Honestly, I still sit w/my legs up on my lap in restaurants sometimes if I'm comfy.

 

[Iluvthemouse]

Wow, I read your post a few times and I came to the same conclusion. You were mean. I have to agree with your mom. Your post came across as very snobby. You came across as a snob. You seem to expect her to act/look like she is part of the royal family. Not everyone can be as perfect at you. I hope for her case that I am totally misinterpreting your post.

 

[CathrynRose]

I would think someone that admittedly had a weight problem when she was younger would have more sensitivity to the self-esteem of an overweight 10yr old girl.

I feel like I just keep posting in this thread.....


OP - Im not trying to pick on you, but Cranky is right.

I was also a chubby kid - and my only 'friends' were my mom and my aunt for many years!! They never said a WORD to me about being chunky....ever, ever, ever.

I so looked forward to afternoon's with my Aunt simply for this reason. I could actually be ME.

 

[C.Ann]

I think expecting (and requesting) that a child of 10 walk alongside of an adult in a crowded city is perfectly acceptable.. And if I were the mother of that child - and she somehow became lost or injured - I would be all over the OP for not supervising her properly..

At 10, licking fingers in a nice restaurant is not appropriate and requesting that she not do so is fine..

The rest I would let slide..