Am I Bad?

[Chester's Mum]

DH and I have always had our own bank accounts. We each know the others earnings, we divide the expenses, and back each other up when money is tight (i.e. I have mtg, ins, car ins, property tax; he has, utilities, credit card bills, retirement savings payments, but if we have a big cc bill come in and he can't cover it all, I pay it out of my account). We have separate credit cards too, we were 30 when we married and both independent adults. There's no secrecy, the statements are available for all to see.

DH stopped going to disney with us about 3 years ago, he just doesn't care about it any more. I have since done all of the saving for disney, it doesn't impact his accounting system. When we came back from disney in May, I asked him if it was okay if I bought DVC. He said he didn't care, as long as it doesn't put us in a bind. So I did, I didn't tell him I was buying, he isn't even on the contract (I know its common property). I put my vacation savings together and bought a small resale. I intend to keep buying it. He doesn't have to bother with it.

My hope is that he'll start going to disney with us again one day (maybe for our 25th anniversary in 2011), and he'll see what a good deal it is.

 

[DisDaydreamer]

FWIW TenThousandVolts, I think the previous posters saw something more sinister in your actions than were there. Like you said, it's not like your husband doesn't know you're earning the money or saving it for something.

Only thing I think you're risking is perhaps building up his expectations for something else he wants more than DVC. But that's the risk we all take when planning surprises for those we love.

The only secrets I'd worry about in a marriage are ones kept for selfish, harmful reasons. Like an affair or drug addiction or long lost lovechild.

No, not sinnister. And it sounds like hubby does not know money is being saved for something.

Like I said, it depends on the couple. And these days over 50% of all marriages fail. Why? There are ton of reasons, but money and trust are probably the top two areas of cause, and best to be most careful with. I have seen in my own marriage (many times) a small issue molt into a big (or different) issue in a flash. I don't take anything for granted.

TTV - I don't have any thoughts of you being or doing something sinnister or bad. You really are the only one who can answer this question for you, and asking for other's opinions it would seem that you're not sure about whether this is a good or bad thing. I don't wish to imply anything else.

I hope all works for the best.

 

[crisi]

Of course, if an unexpected major expense comes up- I will forfeit this stash (or some %age) rather than going into our savings. So the question is:If you found out your spouse was stashing cash- would you be mad? (Oh and pretend that they were stashing it for something that you don't particularly care about)

If it were me, yes. Maybe not mad, but betrayed.

We used to have separate accounts and when we did that his money was his money and my money was my money. Now with kids, and enough cash that spending $20 on something isn't going to mean we can't pay the mortgage - we don't bother.

However, we have joint financial goals. The big ones currently are international travel and the kid's college funds. Any significant spend outside of those goals means delay in reaching those goals.

If he were selling his own stuff in order to do that, I'd feel that his goal is important enough to sell his stuff, but OUR goals aren't. That would be a betrayal of our joint goals.

Plus, I'm reasonable, if he wants something, we work it into our joint goals. There isn't any reason for him to sneak.


But, I've said it before, I'm a little OCD with money and really value financial security. Plus I'm married to a spendthrift who would spend himself into the poorhouse without a thought if he didn't take my feelings into account.

 

[aprince&princess]

What a great idea from things sold on Ebay! I keep saying that we should get rid of "extra" things around the house. I just haven't been motivated to list them on Ebay. But with a goal like MORE POINTS, I think I can be motivated!

 

[keishashadow]

wow, strong feelings here ; evidently many equate $/spending habits with trust issues?

In our household, DH's income pays the bills, savings, day-to-day expenses. Whatever is left over, we negotiate ; lately - mostly travel expenses (including a portion of our DVC purchases, although I funded the majority thru my pre-marriage assets).

i think some of you are missing the point i'm trying to make -

i'm talking discretionary income/mad money if you will; which for me is the pittance that i happen to earn via part time work as fits in with my family obligations. DH thinks it's a swell system, he gets a kick out of telling the guys at work "his old lady bought his hog"

not talking about "knocking down" on the grocery money or inflating monthly expenses to get over and set up a secret slush fund.

 

[wilma-bride]

I do have my own savings account, which I opened last year to save up for DH's surprise 40th Birthday trip. Now that trip is a dim and distant memory, I have been putting a little aside into it each month. My Dh knows I have it, though, although he has no idea (or interest) in how much is in it.

I don't necessarily see that there's anything wrong with what you are doing although would it really hurt to tell him you have a savings account, which you are using to save extra money in the hope that CRV may be announced any day. BTW, I am gonna be right behind you in the queue to buy when they announce it

 

[CarolinesMom]

So the question is:If you found out your spouse was stashing cash- would you be mad? (Oh and pretend that they were stashing it for something that you don't particularly care about)

My husband I have seperate accounts and its been that way since before we were married and living together. I save money for things all the time and don't tell him about it. For example, before I bought into DVC, I'd save for our Disney trips so he wouldn't know exactly how much that week at the POly Concierge really cost. He likes it that way too.

My DH takes care of all the bills and the majority of my money is slush money.

 

[TenThousandVolts]

update: I have been ebaying like a wild woman lately. Rummaging through our attic and selling everything in sight. Of course DH sees this and even takes a mild interest in how my auctions are doing... So last night he said- "hey I have something for you to sell." It was something that belonged to him and it got a lot of interest right away- and had bids on within the hour. So I said to him- when it sells I will move the $ over to our account and tell you how much- and he said "No- put it in in with your eBay money." I just kind of looked at him (visualize cat that swallowed cannary), and didn't say anything. And he said, "I know you are saving for something special, right." And I said yes. And he said, "I think I know what it is." And I just smiled. So I never told him, he just figured what I was doing. I will talk to him when we get the $$ together about buying more points but I am sure he will be fine with it. Whenever I talk about getting more points he usually says to just do it. I just really don't want to take it out of our regular money. We are saving for college (X3) and retirement and it just based on our financial situation, it would feel wrong to me to buy points from our savings...

 

[DisDaydreamer]

update: I have been ebaying like a wild woman lately. Rummaging through our attic and selling everything in sight. Of course DH sees this and even takes a mild interest in how my auctions are doing... So last night he said- "hey I have something for you to sell." It was something that belonged to him and it got a lot of interest right away- and had bids on within the hour. So I said to him- when it sells I will move the $ over to our account and tell you how much- and he said "No- put it in in with your eBay money." I just kind of looked at him (visualize cat that swallowed cannary), and didn't say anything. And he said, "I know you are saving for something special, right." And I said yes. And he said, "I think I know what it is." And I just smiled. So I never told him, he just figured what I was doing. I will talk to him when we get the $$ together about buying more points but I am sure he will be fine with it. Whenever I talk about getting more points he usually says to just do it. I just really don't want to take it out of our regular money. We are saving for college (X3) and retirement and it just based on our financial situation, it would feel wrong to me to buy points from our savings...

You should start going to yard sales to find those special items you can sell on eBay for a nice profit. Sounds like you have an attentive and loving husband. Now you can proceed full speed ahead without having to hide anything....

 

[sjdisneywedding]

well it seems he wont have an issue, so thats great

but...for others looking to do it as well

I think many might be missing the most important part

the husband does not particularly want DVC


the saving money on the side is great for most couples, as long as the other side feels it was done to benefit both people

Its like a guy saving money on the side, then telling the wife....

hey I saved 10K over the years and now I am buying a boat to go fishing. oh you can come along too if you really want

or Im buying a really expensive home theater with a huge big screen tv so the me and guys can watch the games every weekend.

 

[DisDaydreamer]

I think many might be missing the most important part

the husband does not particularly want DVC


the saving money on the side is great for most couples, as long as the other side feels it was done to benefit both people

Its like a guy saving money on the side, then telling the wife....

hey I saved 10K over the years and now I am buying a boat to go fishing. oh you can come along too if you really want

or Im buying a really expensive home theater with a huge big screen tv so the me and guys can watch the games every weekend.

Now you're taking the fun out of it.

I don't think it is quite like you present. You're presenting more of a selfish thing. It seems to me from her posts that TTV feels great responsibility for her family, and is prone to feeling guilty if she does something for herself. Saving money earned on the side is a good way to aleviate a feeling of guilt. And I'm betting her DH will be pleased as punch to be the recipient of this surprise if only it means that his DW will buy DVC without feeling guilty.

IMHO

 

[TenThousandVolts]

well it seems he wont have an issue, so thats great

but...for others looking to do it as well

I think many might be missing the most important part

the husband does not particularly want DVC


the saving money on the side is great for most couples, as long as the other side feels it was done to benefit both people

Its like a guy saving money on the side, then telling the wife....

hey I saved 10K over the years and now I am buying a boat to go fishing. oh you can come along too if you really want

or Im buying a really expensive home theater with a huge big screen tv so the me and guys can watch the games every weekend.

I see what you are saying- but it really isn't like that- he loves our DVC. He really does enjoy Disney World too. He is just an innocent bystander when it comes to our DVC membership- he just lets me deal with the whole thing. He is also excited to invite friends and family along on future trips, try out out the golf courses, he is looking forward to adults only getaways as the kids get older... On our last trip to WDW (before we bought DVC) we saw this cute little old lady and old man holding hands and walking through MK and DH whispered to me "That will be us in 40 years". I thought that was so sweet and telling- He plans on visiting WDW throughout his life.

Its like a guy saving money on the side, then telling the wife....

hey I saved 10K over the years and now I am buying a boat to go fishing. oh you can come along too if you really want

If he did that, (and he does love boats and fishing- and I do NOT- I get seasick) I would be happy for him as long as his saving 10K didn't put undue finacial stress on our family. I am sure he and the kids would make wonderful memories on the boat. I think neither one of us ever spends money on luxuries for ourselves- and we are always encouraging one another to treat his/herself.
I guess DH and I are just pretty laid back, we try not to sweat the small stuff.

 

[sjdisneywedding]

Now you're taking the fun out of it.

I don't think it is quite like you present. You're presenting more of a selfish thing. It seems to me from her posts that TTV feels great responsibility for her family, and is prone to feeling guilty if she does something for herself. Saving money earned on the side is a good way to aleviate a feeling of guilt. And I'm betting her DH will be pleased as punch to be the recipient of this surprise if only it means that his DW will buy DVC without feeling guilty.

IMHO

lol

dont get me wrong I would LOVE it myself if it was DVC and would be fine with it even if I didnt like what the money was buying

the OP I think is doing a great thing

it makes me a bit nervous for others that may try to follow suite, money makes people nuts, even husbands and wives, heck especially husbands and wives

 

[bobbiwoz]

I'm so happy to read your update...it sounds like it really will work out for the best!!! We are not a "little" old couple, both around 6 ft. but we hold hands and are looking forward to our 40th anniversary celebration next year at VB and BWV!

Bobbi

 

[TenThousandVolts]

Now you're taking the fun out of it.

I don't think it is quite like you present. You're presenting more of a selfish thing. It seems to me from her posts that TTV feels great responsibility for her family, and is prone to feeling guilty if she does something for herself. Saving money earned on the side is a good way to aleviate a feeling of guilt. And I'm betting her DH will be pleased as punch to be the recipient of this surprise if only it means that his DW will buy DVC without feeling guilty.

IMHO

Very insightful Disdaydreamer- I think you are saying something very true- that I probably didn't even realize about myself. I was raised by 2 parents whose financial values were shaped by growing up in during the Great Depression. Somehow I have adopted their sensibilities when it comes to spending/saving... Also Catholic so I have the double whammy working for me on the subject of guilt.