Am I a bad mother? (Lice/hair cuts)

[Worried_Incognito]

I'm a long-time poster on the DIS but incognito right now as my nick suggests.

We have battled with a lice issue for 13 months in our house. The problem started when my boys brought them on their heads (well obviously) from school. I thought how lucky we were to get away with the lice problem for 12 years (my eldest is 13) and outside of the 'ick' factor I waded in determined to rid them of these lice. At this point, I am probably an expert insofar as I know exactly how to rid the lice in my boys head - we are very pro-active and as soon as I see them scratching or as soon as a comb-thru indicates lice or eggs, we're in there irradicating. So, the conclusion is that it's relatively simple to get rid of lice in my older children's (boys) heads - mostly because their hair is strong and cut very short (nowadays).

The HUGE problem is with my 3 year old who has had lice now on and off (but mostly on) for 13 months. Please read more before you gasp in horror. Please. We have tried 16 different 'lice-ridding' products and many of them more than once. Yes you read that right. SIXTEEN. Not all chemical-based. Some were, others are alternative treatments ranging from vaseline to mayonnaise to olive oil to herbal remedies to aromatherapy. We have purchased 10 different types of lice combs - some imported from the net. We comb her hair through every night bar just a few in the last year - we boil all the bed clothes in the house and change all bed clothes daily. My thinking (and some nurses and relatives agree) is that because her hair is so soft and not strong yet (baby hair) those horrid lice just took hold so much more on her head than on my boys' heads. This is gonna sound disgusting but to give you a good example - when the boys had a live infestation I would find perhaps 2 to 3 lice on my boys' heads whereas I would find 50 to 60 on my girl's head and that is within 48 hours of having a clear head. That means that the lice breed at a phenomenal, frightening rate on her hair for whatever reason. Don't even get me started on the old eggs that are still on hundreds of her hair shafts (they're dead but look awful - white spots all around her head) - nothing will get them out - no amount of oil, vaseline, shampoos, nothing will remove them bar cutting the individual hairs (which I've done repeatedly). Again, this is not a problem with the boys - they are currently lice free and no-one would ever know from looking through their hair that they EVER had lice - no eggs - different quality of hair I'm guessing.

Sorry this is so long. We had her hair cut last summer, having explained the issue to a hairdresser friend of ours. While the hair cut made it easier to comb through and irradicate the lice, it wasn't enough as some still hung on and new infestations seemed to jump at her (not literally) - it's incredible. The hair cut wasn't short enough - it was a bob to just above her shoulders. The boys I'm guessing might unknowingly bring home one egg or one lice on their heads and she would yet again get tens and tens of lice within 2 to 3 days.

We did fortunately discover a remedy that works - ordered it online. But even though it's far superior to the chemical based rubbish out there, we still have the issue. It was gone for 3 whole weeks. How we rejoiced. Now they're back in full force. I could go on putting that stuff in (it's harmless - no chemicals) and shampooing it out every day (it takes forever as it's oil-based and she is so traumatised now from this issue she screams and screams when I wash her hair - my heart breaks when I have to do it.)

So this is where I'm at - we have now made the decision to get her hair cut up very very short - half an inch from her scalp. Now I have had short hair all my life so it's not like I don't like short hair on girls. But my poor sweet thing is just 3 and she has the softest, most luscious thick two-toned hair - half dark brown and half blonde (just the way it is - people joke with me that they wish they had her 'highlights' and 'where did she get her fabulous highlights done - of course they're all natural) - it's already down past her shoulders a few inches (grew fast since the hair cut last August) and today is the day it's being cut off - almost all of it. We are at the end of our tether and cannot continue to put treatments in this traumatised girl's hair - at least not at the rate we have been doing. It's now gonna be shorter than many boys' hair but it will grow back. I am on the verge of a breakdown here. Sound over the top? Let me tell you, it's been incredibly stressful - we are not irresponsible - we've tried so many things - we've put probably 400 hours of work into this and over 500 euro (I'm not in the U.S.) but I don't give one single toss about the money - just trying to indicate how seriously we take the issue.

DH was taking her out to his friend (the hairdresser) 30 minutes ago and I just couldn't go at the last minute. I couldn't sit there and watch her hair being chopped off to almost military style and I couldn't face the shame of the other hairdressers in the salon (don't worry, they know about the issue - we are upfront and honest and DH has brought our own separate combs, scissors and towels) knowing that my little precious girl has had lice for a year. Am I a rotten mother? Shouldn't I have got rid of them by now. I know I tried everything and yet I feel like a total moron for still having this issue raging. Also, I know as a good mother I should be there for this hair cut but I just chickened out - I'm upset and ashamed. I have sat through their surgeries, injections, vomiting, you name it, I am there for my kids, but this, I couldn't face it. She's with her Dad who she adores.

I know you're probably thinking I'm nuts. Honestly, I've battled autism, I've held my child when he kicked and punched and screamed and cried in the 'agony' of his secret world, I've 'fought' with doctors and therapists to get the right treatments for my son and yet, I can't sit through this hair cut. Weird I know.

Sorry this is so long. Feel free to respond, give opinions, whatever. It did feel good to vent. Thanks for reading.

 

[Hedy]

Honestly, I know it's hard, but your daughter is having her hair buzzed off at age 3. I think you owe it to her to buck up and go, honestly.

 

[mommasita]

I am almost certain you are NOT a bad mother. I have not (knock knock) had this experience personally, but my good friend has had problems for years with her daughter. The pediatrician finally prescribed something that worked, only to have it come back 2 months later..

I only want to offer , as I would be the same as you right now.

 

[piglet too]

I am sorry that all of you had to go through this. Please try not to feel like a bad mom, because obviously you are not. I can tell just from reading this how much you love all of your children. You have done probably everything known to get rid of the lice. I am sure your daughter will look cute, and since her hair grows fast, it should be back to normal in no time.

 

[Steffi]

OMG, I feel so bad for you! You're not a terrible mother, please don't think that. I think that the short haircut will, in the long run, be far less traumatic for your DD than the constant washings, combings, and pickings.

It must have been hell for you; I've been through the lice thing and it's just so much work to get rid of them. And it's stressful, and embarrassing, you poor thing. I've heard that lice are just getting more resistant to treatments and are getting harder to get rid of. I'm sorry you've been going through this hell for a whole year now.

 

[TurboKitty]

It doesn't seem to me you are a bad mother. To the contrary, in fact. IMO, a bad mother wouldn't care, and you obviously do.

Ask your husband to save a lock of your daughter's hair for you.

Smile and make a big fuss over your little girl when she gets home.

 

[Hannathy]

I think you really need to find out where they are coming from! If she was completely free of them she had to get them somewhere. There is a missing link somewhere in this chain of transmission. She is not getting them from the boys if they aren't getting them at the same time. Does she go anywhere other than home? dancing classes, Sunday school somewhere she is getting them. I won't go over the obvious but something somewhere is getting missed.

Good Luck and my best friend growing up always had a boy cut from 4yrs to high school, She will at least be cool.

 

[Worried_Incognito]

Oh thank you all so much. I can barely see the screen here because the tears are just pouring down my face. I guess it's a stress-release - I knew I was upset and stressed but didn't know how much until I read the compassionate words here. Thank you so much.

Honestly, I know it's hard, but your daughter is having her hair buzzed off at age 3. I think you owe it to her to buck up and go, honestly.

I know I know, I agree, I really do. But, on the other hand I think all the stress of this has come to a head and I would have started bawling there. I felt sick as we left and DH assured me he would look after her - I know he will. The hairdresser is very gentle, he has an incredible way with kids and he was actually the only one my DS would let near his head for haircuts when he was going through his autistic-type tantrums as a toddler. He won't use that buzz hair cutting thing (sorry I forget the name) - just regular scissors. On the positive side, DD is a child who hates ribbons, clips and anything ornamental in her hair - "they annoy me" so I'm not sure very long hair was for her anyway. Still I feel said about it.

Hannathy,
I know they're coming from the boys' school. There are kids there who have a permanent lice problem. The difference is when one bug gets on one of my boy's heads it's easy to get rid of but as soon as it gets to my DD's head, it's like a rapid infestation. Weird.

TurboKitty, Steffi, piglet too and mommasita - thanks so much again and to Hannathy and Hedy too.

 

[Katy Belle]

Its just hair! You are a good mother! You are trying to help her.

We battled lice this year for the first time. My oldest brought it home and told me an hour before our flight to Italy for Spring Break! Surprise, surprise we didn't get it all taken care of on our holiday, but got rid of it when we got home. That was the end, the other two boys didn't catch it.

I do think it has something to do with her hair. Adults don't tend to get it. Many kids in our school had it. One was a daughter of my best friend. It took her about 3 months to get rid of it. Her sons never got it, but she did find some dead eggs in one son's head....sort of like they hatched and then jumped to the girls head!

Maybe with school ending soon, may not be until July depending on where you are....but when it ends they will have less contact with others heads!

Good luck! I bet she will still be a cutie with short hair!
Katy

 

[bigmerle1966]

One thing I do not see mentioned here is what you are doing cleaning wise to your house? Not a flame or anything but all you mention is the children's hair, what about bed linens, favorite stuffed animals, blankets, etc. ?

 

[Worried_Incognito]

One thing I do not see mentioned here is what you are doing cleaning wise to your house? Not a flame or anything but all you mention is the children's hair, what about bed linens, favorite stuffed animals, blankets, etc. ?

The bed clothes including pillow cases and the pillows themselves are changed every day and boiled - all of them, not just DD's and we've found the best thing to do with the toys is seal them in a bag for 24 hours and it smothers any lice or eggs. We have the clothes dryer on constantly here as our weather has been so poor lately. Thanks for the post. I know it wasn't a flame - I'm less sensitive than I come across on that post.

Katy Belle, thanks, much appreciated.

 

[barkley]

i agree you have to find the source. i know you've done allot of treatments in the house-but has absolutly everything been treated at the same time during an outbreak (including all the toys. all fabrics-curtains, carpet, the whole nine yards)? if they are not getting it from inside-there's some type of source outside that needs to be tracked down.

i had a neighbor friend as a child-she had outbreak after outbreak, it was finaly tracked down to some furniture that she/her sibs would sit on outside. if it was'nt a matter of one of the neighboring cats laying on it and transmitting it-it was that one of the sibs who had been exposed and had some on their clothing sat on and transmitted (they too had thicker hair and did'nt seem to get infested as easily). ultimatly her parents shaved her head (not military cut-probably to less than 1/2 inch) and kept it that way until they could eradicate the entire home/yard. after that the older sibs were instructed to take off outer wear (jackets, hats, gloves) and leave them outdoors on a coat rack where mom inspected them before they came in the house. everyone got a 'head check' before they came in.

i've heard that one breading ground people tend to forget to attend to is their cars-fabric upholstery, carpet and carseats can all hide outbreaks-and since kids heads tend to come in more contact with the back of the seats-they can easily transmit to each other.

 

[Lisa_M]

There was a little girl with lice at a school my friend works at. She had lice and her mother's first line of defense was getting her head shaved! Don't feel guilty because you've done what you can and have to get rid of them. I do think you should be there for the haircut. No time to chicken out, especially when she'll probably get weird reactions from people due to the haircut.

On a separate note, is there lice in your furniture, carpeting or whereever else they could be in the house. I think you need to get your house fumigated ASAP before your family goes back in and ends up getting reinfested with them.

 

[Florida_Mom]

Oh, it's traumatic....and you are NOT a bad mother. AT ALL! Help her get excited about her "summer haircut" and she will most likely follow your lead.

I know you said you tried olive oil, but what about putting olive oil in her hair after she goes to sleep at night? It will be short, anyway, and just leaving some olive oil residue in her hair might be a good deterent. Put a towel under her head. Also, Aqua Net hairspray is supposed to be a good deterrent.

Now, as for a missing link. I agree with this. Have you bagged up her stuffed animals? My boys got lice at the beginning of last school year, and I bagged up their stuffed animals for MONTHS. Then another few months, just for good measure. Probably over the top, but this was the second time I'd had to deal with this and I wasn't going to play nice. My younder DS's teacher even bagged up HER stuffed animals at school (he was in kindergarten).

That goes for hats, hairbrushes...all that stuff needs to be treated. Make sure you are spraying the carpet, the upholstery, the CAR, with the lice spray to get rid of them. You could even use a bug bomb in the house while you're away for the day, as long as you don't have any animals in there.

Make sure the Sunday School room is treated, too, if you go to something like that. Don't forget towels, your bedsheets, throw rugs. It's insidious, awful, but you WILL get through this.

 

[mommasita]

Wanted to add that her hair will grow back thicker and nicer...I had my head shaved as a young girl ( for diff reason), and have the thickest hair imaginable...Of course that may not be why, but I say it is ...

That is the trick for nicer hair, shave it, and it grows back thicker and healthier.

 

[Florida_Mom]

we've found the best thing to do with the toys is seal them in a bag for 24 hours and it smothers any lice or eggs.

That may be it. You need to do at least 2 weeks sealed tight in a bag. We did longer, way longer, just because I was beyond paranoid, but I've heard 2 weeks as the standard life cycle.

 

[lovetoscrap]

Everyone here has said everything. You just need .

Hopefully the summer may give you some respite if the boys are getting it at school. And she will be cooler for the summer!

You are doing your best and you obviously care and love your children. You have already gone above and beyond.

 

[Florida_Mom]

That is the trick for nicer hair, shave it, and it grows back thicker and healthier.

Hi, Mommasita, this is OT, but my DH is sporting the shaved look...well, for lack of almost any hair, and that method doesn't seem to be working for him. Oh well...

 

[Erin1700]

Just wanted to offer my support. I am sure you are doing all you can, hang in there!

 

[TEENEE]

We battled it at my house too. Lice like clean hair. I started putting hairspray on my dd every morning. Once I started doing that the lice problem was solved. That and the fact that my ex husband broke up with his girlfriend. I'm fairly certain my dd was getting it from her kids.