Am I A Bad Mom? Sorry Kinda Long

[MrsPete]

He's too young to be running around this late at night. Actually, so am I, and I'm past 40. I agree with the "nothing good happens after midnight" theory.

The fact that he's heading off to college soon doesn't really matter. He's likely to be running around on foot at that point, going from dorm to dorm. He is in danger this late at night -- danger from exhaustion, danger from other drivers who are out there drinking /exhausted behind the wheel.

I'd put my foot down on this one.

 

[MrsPete]

One thing I did do was to sign up for the family tracker service via Sprint. That is not its name, but I can remember it right now... It tracks their cell phone so I can find him at any time and its only $5 a month.

I didn't know they had that! I wish I'd had it a couple weeks ago when my phone was stolen.

 

[mamacatnv]

I can totally relate to you OP and here are a few things we did/do. Its a tough call to balance my worry factor with my childs need to grow, mature and become independent.
I believe they can get into trouble at anytime day or night and accidents can happen day or night so the after midnight issue doesn't mean much to me.

My DS has never had a curfew (except school nights when he was still in High School). As long as I knew who, what, where and when we let him go. He had to keep us informed of changes and check in upon arrival at the new destination.

Last summer he was 18 and had to wake me when he got home. If he was going to be out later than anticipated then he had to send me a text so that if I woke up and he wasn't there I could check my phone for updates.

Then he went to college and he was in God's hands. All I could do was pray everyday. Out of sight does became out of mind in some sense.

This summer after a year of being away at school I stopped the him waking me up, I need my sleep and frankly I got used to him being gone. He does keep me up to date via text, right now it is almost midnight and he is "out, will be late, will text you mom if I'm not home by 3 a.m."

Note: Under 18 we had a city curfew but church, family and job activities were excluded so going from a friends to the church with the permission of a parent would be totally acceptable.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

Why is a child guarding fireworks? What is he really going to do if someone decides to break in? They should pay a security guard for that. Sorry but there is no way that I would find that acceptable. I can guarantee you that my parents would have laughed at me if I thought I was going to be doing that. No way. IMO that is too dangerous.
As for the whole "he's going to college soon" well, I went away for part of my college career. When I came home I had to follow the house rules. That meant there would be no staying out overnight. So coming home at 5am was not going to happen except for rare occassions. Their house their rules. Everyone I knew had the same setup.

I also agree that nothing good happens at that time of night.
Good luck.

 

[Iluvjiminy]

I can totally relate to you dairyou, my DD will be 19 in August and I get "I'm 18 I can do what I want"...............excuse me?!?!?!?!? It's not that I don't trust her, she truly is a "good kid". She's worked since she was 16 and I would say 99% of the time she's home when she's told. She doesn't get the worry factor. I've tried to explain to her that I do trust her but that I worry and it just goes over her head. I have panic attacks so that doesn't help. I've tried talking and explaining but it seems to only make her mad. My best friend was killed in a car accidet when she was 23 on her way home from work, my DD's father was in a severe car accident in 2000 and almost lost his life on the way to school. It's not her driving that worries me it's everybody else. If she doesn't call or isn't here when she's supposed to be then yes that PANICmode kicks in and I start pacing. I fight with myself do I call her or do I not call her. I know if I do I will get attitude. If she hasn't called saying she's leaving work at night do I call her work.....not sure because I'm full of the what ifs....what if I call and they tell me she left already?!?!?! Talk about MAJOR PANIC. Usually I call her and I get attitude, I get the I'm 18 speech, I get told how silly I am and as hard as I try to get her to realize it's because I love her that I worry the child looks at me like I have lost my ever loving mind. It would be nice to have that tracker thingy I must agree. If I though I could get that on her phone with US Cellular without her knowing it you can bet I would do it just for my own piece of mind. She tells me theres no need to worry unless the EMT's call me............HELLO!!!!!!!!! One day she will realize when she is a parent what it means to worry,until then..............I will continue to pace,

 

[luvsJack]

I think its great that he calls you when going from one place to another when the other kids just go. The thing is, he could just quit calling you. Would you really know if he left one place and went to another in the middle of the night and never told you?

I am NOT saying you should just give in and let him go; but I am saying you should keep the communication open. Someone suggested taking him to lunch and explain how you feel about it all. I agree with this but I would also be willing to listen to how he feels and to his side of things. If you hear what he has to say, you may feel better about the things that are going on.

At 17 we expect them to "do as I say" and "follow my rules" and then suddenly we expect them to reach 18 and be able to make their own rules and their own decisions. To me, listening to them and trying to reach a compromise on the rules is a way of them learning to set their own boundaries.

 

[twinmomplus2new]

I am baffled by this post.
sorry... but I am am.
I have 4 kids 2 older. 1 fifteen and one 22.
the 22 still lives at home. while I am not in control of her any longer. I certainly was when she was that age.
First of all no kid belongs guarding anything what should happen if someone attempted to steal anything?
Secondly isn't there some kind of drivers liscense restriction between certain hours he is not 18 yet?

My house my rules. My 15 year old last weekend through a holy fit. Because he wanted to sleep out, and I had said no.
I did not think the house in??? had enough supervison and said so. He wasn't happy but when it came down to brass tacks his butt was in his own bed.
12 kids slept over. 3 of the original 15 were picked up. so only 3 said no.

High school my dd said she was sleeping at a certain house. I checked she wasn't. when she arrived home at 6am. She was informed she would not sleep out till she left for college. and she didn't. That was over 2 years.
about 6 months into her no sleep out rule. the amjority of her friends were at a party, she complained Bitterly about the fact that she couldn't go there. Well guess what? the kids were drinking, pictures were posted online. cops were called. The kids were in big trouble with the sports contracts. Well guess what my dd was NOT there she was home in bed. and trust me people noticed. and when I was asked I told the truth. well she is/ was not invlolved becau se she was home where she belonged. The lesson she took away was just maybe my mother knows best. and more importantly above all else. My mother is in charge. period. after taht she would simply say. No I can't my mother will kill me. perfect answer.Now not that I would, or even hit my kids. however.... I am the parent here there is to be no mistaking that.

There will never be a time when My child who I am responsible for. Is out and about without my knowing.
He is your gift and your responsibility. He is driving a car? Did he buy the car? pay the insurance? I am sure not.
simple solution. Keys get turned into me at midnight. if the keys and you are not in this house at midnight. you lose the car. if you are not in this house at midnight. No outside actvities for a month. this will prevent him having someone pick him up.

He wants to guard fireworks. you speak to the pastor and. you drop him off and pick him up. HOWEVER at most I would let him stay till 1am. and I would be picking him up.
As for college. Nope you can not enforce rules there. But when he comes home you certainly can. and FYI most colleges have very strict rules about freshman cars on campus. Because they don't want them driving around at night. because it is not safe.

 

[mamacatnv]

Just a thought, but what I am reading here is a lot of parent anxiety. Perhaps some of you need to figure out how to cope with your issues and let your children grow up and start to handle more adult situations. At 17 they are "almost" an adult and at 18 they are, remember that and treat them accordingly.

I pace, stress, chew my nails and imagine all sorts of scenarios.......BUT.....that is my problem not DS's.
He knows I have issues (most Moms do) and he is courteous enough to keep me informed not for him but he does it for me. He knows that if I call him for some stupid reason often it is because I heard about the wreck on the freeway and I need to be sure he is okay, I just need to hear his voice. He knows this because I have explained it to him and at the same time I have never allowed it to interfere in his activities. Sure there are things we have said no to, he has not had cart blanche but at 19 he makes good decisions most of the time, he has good judgement and he is a responsible mature young man.

 

[Christine]

Just a thought, but what I am reading here is a lot of parent anxiety. Perhaps some of you need to figure out how to cope with your issues and let your children grow up and start to handle more adult situations. At 17 they are "almost" an adult and at 18 they are, remember that and treat them accordingly.

I pace, stress, chew my nails and imagine all sorts of scenarios.......BUT.....that is my problem not DS's.
He knows I have issues (most Moms do) and he is courteous enough to keep me informed not for him but he does it for me. He knows that if I call him for some stupid reason often it is because I heard about the wreck on the freeway and I need to be sure he is okay, I just need to hear his voice. He knows this because I have explained it to him and at the same time I have never allowed it to interfere in his activities. Sure there are things we have said no to, he has not had cart blanche but at 19 he makes good decisions most of the time, he has good judgement and he is a responsible mature young man.

I agree with you; however, I still stand by that *most* people (of all ages) don't need to be out until 4AM on a routine basis. I don't know the exact situation that the OP is having; however, I inferred from her post that since school is out there is regular, late night to early AM "hanging" going on. To me, that is a recipe for disaster, it's a bit disrespectful to most people in the household who have to function the next day (namely the parents), and it's totally not necessary.

Sure, special occasions or activites warrant an occasional all-nighter but I think it's very disruptive to a household to have someone doing that all the time. 17, 18, 19, until you get your own place, I think you need to live in harmony with your other housemates!

 

[Mouse House Mama]

I don't get all of the people who say that once they are 18 they are an adult blah blah blah. I don't care if you are 22, you live in your parent's house you live by their rules. If you don't like it then take your bills and get your own apartment. I know I was not the only person raised that way. Everyone I knew had the same rules. You come home from college you have to follow the rules that your parents created. You don't have to like them but if you are living there you have to follow them. When you get your own place then do as you please. Sorry but I can't stand that whole "They are 18 they are an adult!" nonsense. You want to be an adult, well it takes more than age. YMMV.

 

[dairyou]

I don't get all of the people who say that once they are 18 they are an adult blah blah blah. I don't care if you are 22, you live in your parent's house you live by their rules. If you don't like it then take your bills and get your own apartment. I know I was not the only person raised that way. Everyone I knew had the same rules. You come home from college you have to follow the rules that your parents created. You don't have to like them but if you are living there you have to follow them. When you get your own place then do as you please. Sorry but I can't stand that whole "They are 18 they are an adult!" nonsense. You want to be an adult, well it takes more than age. YMMV.

When I say my son will be 18, it's more of a referrence that he will be going away to college and become independant outside of our home. When he comes home he will always have to follow our house rules.

At this point I'm not throwing him out to the world but trying to prepare him and more so myself to let him go. Though I think we are both ready you I always wonder what I haven't prepared him for.

Deb

 

[luvsJack]

My DS is 18 and going to college in the fall.....
his curfew is midnight. There is no reason for him to be hanging out with friends all night....IMHO, nothing good happens after midnight.

Not trying to debate, but what exactly is going to happen after midnight that cannot happen before?




I understand the whole "my house, my rules" thing to a point; but at some point shouldn't they get to make some decisions for themselves? I mean, if they cannot make one when they are living in your house how are they magically going to be able to make one when they move out or go away to college? (this wasn't just meant to the person I quoted but in general)

I worry about my kids too and have done all the calling when I hear of a wreck (even at times when I KNOW its not them), calling when they are later than they say and all of that. But I tried not to let that stifle them. I let it be my problem, not theirs.

I just think that at 17 a kid should be being trained to make some of their own choices. Maybe not being out until 4 am but being taught how to set boundaries and what is considerate of the other people in the household.

 

[mamacatnv]

Not trying to debate, but what exactly is going to happen after midnight that cannot happen before?




I understand the whole "my house, my rules" thing to a point; but at some point shouldn't they get to make some decisions for themselves? I mean, if they cannot make one when they are living in your house how are they magically going to be able to make one when they move out or go away to college? (this wasn't just meant to the person I quoted but in general)

I worry about my kids too and have done all the calling when I hear of a wreck (even at times when I KNOW its not them), calling when they are later than they say and all of that. But I tried not to let that stifle them. I let it be my problem, not theirs.

I just think that at 17 a kid should be being trained to make some of their own choices. Maybe not being out until 4 am but being taught how to set boundaries and what is considerate of the other people in the household.

very well said!

 

[dismom2]

Just a thought, but what I am reading here is a lot of parent anxiety. Perhaps some of you need to figure out how to cope with your issues and let your children grow up and start to handle more adult situations. At 17 they are "almost" an adult and at 18 they are, remember that and treat them accordingly.

I pace, stress, chew my nails and imagine all sorts of scenarios.......BUT.....that is my problem not DS's.
He knows I have issues (most Moms do) and he is courteous enough to keep me informed not for him but he does it for me. He knows that if I call him for some stupid reason often it is because I heard about the wreck on the freeway and I need to be sure he is okay, I just need to hear his voice. He knows this because I have explained it to him and at the same time I have never allowed it to interfere in his activities. Sure there are things we have said no to, he has not had cart blanche but at 19 he makes good decisions most of the time, he has good judgement and he is a responsible mature young man.

Treat them accordingly? My house, my rules. You know, sometimes it's the parents who are too 'lax' with their kids are the one's eventually accompanying them in court when they get busted doing something stupid in the middle of the night (or, even being with other kids who are doing something stupid). A lot of parents really don't know everything their kids are doing. I am in the camp that belives that between midnight and 4am trouble is just waiting in the wings. Fact is, a lot of partying goes on during those hours. Drunk drivers out. Vandalism occurs, etc... unless it's a sleepover at one friends house, my kids do not have my permission to drive around, lurk around, 'hang-out' in the wee hours of the morning. That's just how I feel. YMMV

 

[mamacatnv]

Treat them accordingly? My house, my rules. You know, sometimes it's the parents who are too 'lax' with their kids are the one's eventually accompanying them in court when they get busted doing something stupid in the middle of the night (or, even being with other kids who are doing something stupid). A lot of parents really don't know everything their kids are doing. I am in the camp that belives that between midnight and 4am trouble is just waiting in the wings. Fact is, a lot of partying goes on during those hours. Drunk drivers out. Vandalism occurs, etc... unless it's a sleepover at one friends house, my kids do not have my permission to drive around, lurk around, 'hang-out' in the wee hours of the morning. That's just how I feel. YMMV

Yep your house your rules, your kid your way, I respect that.
I choose to treat my young adult like the adult that he is. I allow him to negotiate, openly discuss anything, make decisions and live with them. It is not always easy but I think it is in his best interest.

As for insinuating that I am lax and will need to accompany him to court I take slight offense. I know lots of strict parents whose kids just sneak out, lie or go behind their parents backs. I also know lots of lazy parents who have super responsible kids despite their upbringing. We chose the path of leeway...the more responsible behavior DS exhibited the more freedom he was given. When he turned 18 he had faced situations where he had some tough decisions to make, he had seen his friends make the wrong decisions and he learned to exercise good judgement. IMO this takes experience and practice, the more they get in a some what controlled environment the better.

 

[Christine]

I think that a lot of what goes on in the "wee hours" is partying. I do know that there are some kids, boys especially, who actually sit up all hours playing X-Box or whatever. Innocent enough but I still don't want my kid doing that. Those are habits, at 17, that I don't want to be a part of making. Both my kids will go away to colllege, as I did, after high school, and they can spend those years staying up all night on the campus with their buddies and not interrupt my sleep.

My rules are based on how I was raised. I basically had curfew of 12 midnight for all of the time I lived at home, between high school and college. It was out of respect for my parents household and them not having to worry about me all night and get up the next day and function at their jobs. Sure, there were times when something special was going on and my mom had no problem extending that. But, she was right, all we were doing was partying. Teens do love to sit around and "hang" but they have a different mindset than adults and it has been proven that their brains don't mature until their early 20s in regards to decision-making processes. They get bored and they look for things that are exciting, be it alcohol, drugs, driving fast, a middle of the night swim in the local lake/quarry, rolling someone's house, etc. Or they are just hanging and they get caught up in someone else's drunk driving, vandalism and what have you.

Unfortunately, I know too many teens that were in my peer group that died and, I have to admit, they all happened in those old "wee hours". Sometimes their fault and sometimes the fault of others who were up to no good and they were victims. My DD is lucky that none of her peer group has had any tragedies but a few incidents of trouble have happened to seemingly good kids. None of it in the normal hours. I always have to say "What were they even doing OUT at that time?"

I'm sure many kids spend years being out and running around at those hours and do fine. But I would bet you, statistically, that's when most problems occur.

 

[starwood]

NJ has a graduated drivers license. At 16 they get their permit. At 17 they get their license but can't drive with more than one other unrelated person in the car and they can't drive between the hours of 11:00 pm and 5:00 am.

 

[ambientex]

Treat them accordingly? My house, my rules. You know, sometimes it's the parents who are too 'lax' with their kids are the one's eventually accompanying them in court when they get busted doing something stupid in the middle of the night (or, even being with other kids who are doing something stupid). A lot of parents really don't know everything their kids are doing. I am in the camp that belives that between midnight and 4am trouble is just waiting in the wings. Fact is, a lot of partying goes on during those hours. Drunk drivers out. Vandalism occurs, etc... unless it's a sleepover at one friends house, my kids do not have my permission to drive around, lurk around, 'hang-out' in the wee hours of the morning. That's just how I feel. YMMV

I think I really agree with this. It wasn't too terrible long ago that I was the 17 year old staying out on all hours of the night. I know what goes on. And now being a father myself, it's made me take a hard look at my behavior at that age. I thought I was invisible and that I knew it all. I think that even though at that age the do need more freedom to make decisions, they also need more direction and instruction. The teenage ego is a powerful thing that will lead to very stupid decision making.

 

[happygirl]

I think he's to young to be out running around that late

 

[Renesmee]

What are the driving laws in CA for a 17yo? Here, a 17yo can't be on the road after 1AM.