Almost-Empty Nest Syndrome (I'm havin' a *moment*)

[AndreaDM]

Ugh, this past year has been really hard for me. I have 3 daughters, 21, 19 and 7. Thank goodness I still have the 7 year old at home or I'd be lost. Seriously, I need to be needed. I'm happy the other 2 are trying to figure out what they want to do in life, and I trust I taught them to make the right choices (although I do wonder sometimes ), but our big house is awfully quiet most of the time. I never thought I'd say this, but I miss the chaos.

to the rest of you going through this too!

 

[KimR]

PrincessKsmom, I can so relate to what you said. My marriage isn't crap, but DH and I don't really have much in common and don't spend much time together. I am not social or outgoing at all and have no friends outside of family - my kids are my entire world. I know it sounds like I'm complaining, but I truly love my life right now. The problem is, I'm afraid I'm not going to be loving it so much 10 years down the road.

I just don't know what to do to change things. I know I need to 'get involved', I just don't know what to get involved with. My interests are reading, online games, and surfing the internet. There's only so much of that one can do, you know? I'm like you in that I'm determined to NOT wither away once my kids leave, though.

 

[NMAmy]

minkydog--dd is now in her sophomore year of college. I just wanted to let you know that it's going to be okay. We now have a bit of adjustment when she gets back home (and I know I'm not the only one as I started a thread about it over the summer!) It's hard to let them go but this is a great opportunity to reconnect with your husband and do some things for yourself.

I'm right there with you. DD is a Freshman in high school and an only child. My fault that I have made her the center of my universe for her entire life. My marriage is crap (but that's another story entirely). I'm just waiting for her to leave for college before I leave the marriage. She knows it, I know it and he knows it, so there are no illusions. Unfortunately, I haven't had friends in years, don't go out (except for work) and have no activities. I've entirely focused my life around her, her friends and her activities, I guess trying to fill the void that is my marriage. Now what? No one will be more proud or happ for DD when she goes to college, but what happens to me? Where does that leave me? I joke all the time that it's time for me to get a life, but I don't know where to begin. It's just so much easier to sit home and feel sorry for myself. If I haven't had a life for this long, what's the point now with only 3 years left before DD leaves? But you know what, come hell or high water, I'm getting a life when she goes and it will be the life I chose, with the happiness I deserve. I need to do that to be a better example for my DD. I was once a very independent woman and I will be that woman again.

Your post made me so sad. I think that now is the perfect time for you to begin looking for some new interests. Take a class, sign up for the gym, volunteer. It's obvious you love your dd--please don't make her feel guilty for growing up and leaving you. I don't think that's your intention but she may be unconsciously picking up on your feelings. I hope things go well for you.

 

[PrincessKsMom]

PrincessKsmom, I can so relate to what you said. My marriage isn't crap, but DH and I don't really have much in common and don't spend much time together. I am not social or outgoing at all and have no friends outside of family - my kids are my entire world. I know it sounds like I'm complaining, but I truly love my life right now. The problem is, I'm afraid I'm not going to be loving it so much 10 years down the road.

I just don't know what to do to change things. I know I need to 'get involved', I just don't know what to get involved with. My interests are reading, online games, and surfing the internet. There's only so much of that one can do, you know? I'm like you in that I'm determined to NOT wither away once my kids leave, though.

Wow Kim, it's amazing how similar our stories are. I used to be extremely outgoing but I just always seemed to be at a different stage in my life than my friends (I was married, they were single; I had my DD they still hadn't had children...). It's not going to get any easier as time goes on. Hopefully you will find an interest now that will carry you through. You and I have the exact same interest list so I know exactly what you mean. I guess I've always felt guilty that I needed to focus all my attention on DD since DH focuses none. Trying to be both parents. And might I say I've done a fine job!

Your post made me so sad. I think that now is the perfect time for you to begin looking for some new interests. Take a class, sign up for the gym, volunteer. It's obvious you love your dd--please don't make her feel guilty for growing up and leaving you. I don't think that's your intention but she may be unconsciously picking up on your feelings. I hope things go well for you.

Please don't feel sad. I'm actually a very personable, funny, outgoing person, I just don't have an outlet. Maybe I should look into standup comedy. I try not to make DD feel guilty. I'm actually the one who has pushed her to be more outgoing and social the last year or so and I'm happy to say she is. I don't want her to feel guilty that going off to college and getting her own life means the end of our marriage. She's been around long enough to know that it's dead. I just felt like I needed to stay for her because honestly if we leave, he'll never make the time to see her. We also live in the ILs house, so she'd not only miss out on seeing him, but his parents as well and they've truly been good to us. But I need to break away from him and his parents. That's my goal and what I'll be focusing on. That should take up all my extra energy and time while trying to find a college for DD. I realize the next 3 years will fly and I'm trying to enjoy them with DD by vacationing, etc. I have no worries about her, she's a terrific kid and she'll go places in life (without me!) I truly want that for her and I'm going to make sure it happens.

 

[minkydog]

hey Minky, you're not alone...I'll hear a song that my oldest used to love a few years ago before he went to college, and burst into tears while driving around town...I too think of the good old days, I had three babies in four years, and what a madhouse it was...and I miss it too. Husbands don't understand the emotionality of it all!

You know, the empty nest and pre menopause should NOT happen at the same time!!

OMG!~ I know just what you mean. DD17 is in a show choir, so we watch Glee together every week. All I have to hear is a few bars of some of their songs and I'm weeping. Lordy, lordy. I used to listen to Broadway show tunes, but they're off limits right now. Even HipHop makes me cry (she's a dancer.) Country music I can just about handle.

Last year her brother DS24 decided not to join us for Thanksgiving or Christmas. He was in a snit and there were bad feelings all around, but I invited him for some family times because I really wanted him to come. He didn't. I was devastated. However, I have alread been put on notice by both of them that they ARE expecting a big Thanksgiving and Christmas this year, so no going out of town. FIne by me. I hate traveling during the holidays. I will be in hog heaven if they come spend the day with us.

 

[PrincessKsMom]

OMG!~ I know just what you mean. DD17 is in a show choir, so we watch Glee together every week. All I have to hear is a few bars of some of their songs and I'm weeping. Lordy, lordy. I used to listen to Broadway show tunes, but they're off limits right now. Even HipHop makes me cry (she's a dancer.) Country music I can just about handle.

Last year her brother DS24 decided not to join us for Thanksgiving or Christmas. He was in a snit and there were bad feelings all around, but I invited him for some family times because I really wanted him to come. He didn't. I was devastated. However, I have alread been put on notice by both of them that they ARE expecting a big Thanksgiving and Christmas this year, so no going out of town. FIne by me. I hate traveling during the holidays. I will be in hog heaven if they come spend the day with us.

I pray you have a memory and family-filled holiday season this year Minky!

 

[Robinrs]

This was written years ago by Erma Bombeck.

No More Oatmeal Kisses-January 29,1969
A young mother writes,"I know you've written before about the empty-nest syndrone,that lonely period after the children are grown and gone. Right now I'm up to my eyeballs in laundry and muddy boots. The baby is teething:the boys are fighting. My husband just called and said to eat without him, and I fell off my diet. Lay it on me again, will you?"

OK. One of these days, you'll shout, "Why don't you kids grow up and act your age!" And they will. Or, "You guys get outside and find yourselves something to do...and don't slam the door!" And they won't.
You'll staighten up the boys' bedroom neat and tidy: bumper stickers discarded, bedspread tucked and smooth, toys displayed on the shelves. Hangers in the closet. Animals caged. And you'll say our loud, "Now I want it to stay this way." And it will.
You'll prepare a perfect dinner with a salad that hasn't been picked to death and a cake with no finger traces in the icing, and you'll say, Now, there's a meal for company." And you'll eat it alone.
You'll say, I want complete privacy on the phone. No dancing around. No demolition crews. Silence! Do you hear?" And you'll have it.
No more plastic tablecloths stained with spaghetti. No more bedspreads to protect the sofa from damp bottoms. No more gates to stumble over at the top of the basement steps. No more clothespins in the sofa. No more playpens to arrange a room around.
No more anxious nights under a vaporizer tent. No more sand on the sheets or Popeye movies in the bathroom. No more iron-on patches, rubber bands for ponytails, tight boots or wet knotted shoestrings.
Imagine. A lipstick with a point on it. No baby-sitter for New Year's Eve. Washing only once a week. Seeing a steak that isn't ground. Having your teeth cleaned without a baby on your lap.
No PTA meetings. No car pools. No blaring radios. No one washing her hair at 11 o'clock at night. Having your own roll of Scotch tape.
Think about it. No more Christmas presents out of toothpicks and library paste. No more sloppy oatmeal kisses. No more tooth fairy. No giggles in the dark. No knees to heal, no responsibility.
Only a voice crying, "Why don't you grow up?" and the silence echoing,"I did."

 

[allison443]

Sorry for posting the sad Erma Bombeck but that is how I am feeling lately. My oldest finished college, has a good job and is moving out soon...she still lives here but is rarely home (which I understand of course). My second dd is away in college...my youngest (my baby!) is in high school which I know from my prior kids just flies by...she is busy with sports, friends, etc.

I really miss all the craziness from when they were younger...

 

[minkydog]

Sorry for posting the sad Erma Bombeck but that is how I am feeling lately. My oldest finished college, has a good job and is moving out soon...she still lives here but is rarely home (which I understand of course). My second dd is away in college...my youngest (my baby!) is in high school which I know from my prior kids just flies by...she is busy with sports, friends, etc.

I really miss all the craziness from when they were younger...

Me too. I homeschooled my kids for 12 years so we had a lot of years together. I really miss those times, even though it was insanely busy. They're just at that age when friends matter a lot to them and family just kinda takes a back seat for awhile. Not that they don't love us, they do. But their eyes are set on other things and they assume that family will always be there, ya know? I think it's just the way things are. And I'm happy that my kids are able to separate from us and stand on their own feet. I just miss all the closeness, the projects, the field trips, all the happy times we had together.

 

[momonlongisland]

Great thread. All I can say is DITTO!!!! Definately not an easy time to get through!

 

[Trish Bessette]

My DD is a junior in high school. I'm already a wreckI know the day is coming fast when she will be off at college. I can't imagine home without her. The good thing is she wants to go to college here in State so I can only pray she gets accepted Both my dd's makes DH & I smile every day, laugh, and appreciate all we have in life.

 

[MerMom60_94]

I'm not teary, but I am definitely out of sorts. DD is about to turn 16. She and I have always spent a lot of time hanging out together but now she has a boyfriend and is busy with school and volleyball and I am finding myself with more and more time on my hands. For about the first day it was a welcome break, now I don't know what to do with myself. I will say, though, that I do have friends so it isn't as though I never can find anyone to hang with, it's just that my friends aren't her! I want her to hang with! I think my husband is worse than I am. I accept that this is happening and her having her own life will be the end result of raising her. My husband seems to be struggling a bit more with the concept. I definitely think he is jealous of her boyfriend. He is a firefighter so he played a very active role in raising her since he was with her when I worked (and vice versa). He hasn't caught on that we will see her a lot more if he makes the boyfriend feel welcome in our home. It isn't as though he doesn't like the kid, but I think he sees him as cutting in on his time with her.

For those of you who have said you need to start building your own life, I actually have made a few new friends in the past couple of years by joining a gym and going to exercise classes. Find something you have always wanted to do but haven't had time for and sign up, whether it be quilting classes or a book club or a gym, and you are likely to find others in the same situation with whom you have something in common.

Allison, your post made me teary eyed. So true, though.

 

[donac]

Our oldest graduated and moved back home. I don't know when he is planning on moving out but in a way I wish it was soon. He never picks up after himself.

My youngest has hardly been home this year. His winter break was spent working in Gambia. He spent his summer working on campus. We miss him a lot since he is the neater of the two.

But as everyone has said this the way it is supposed to be.

But in 2012 they are planning a full family trip to DW with their gf's to celebrate ds2's graduation. They are planning to go with my sister and her family and maybe one of my sisters. We are talking 13 people.

 

[geffric]

*sigh* My kids are grown and they dont need me so much. I know it's normal--they're 17 & 24. It's time for them to spread their wings and fly. But I didn't know how much it would hurt. Anybody else feelin' the pain?

My daughter is over 1000 miles away at college, my son is a HS senior this year. Everytime I think of them both being out of the house I tear up.

Life goes on.... and I wish it would just "pause" once in awhile

as you know from other threads, I am in the same boat..

oldest DS is a sophmore in college and says he is not coming home for thanksgiving..my baby is a senior in high school and will be leaving soon for points to be determined.. sigh.. soon empty nest is me..
seems i have been doing more than my share of remenisting (sp) about when they were young.. ( yes lots of tears too, esp when i realize that it is the last homecoming, or first qtr ..boo hoo..

i really dont know what I will do with myself.. i was laid off over a year ago and havent been able to find a job..so i just volunteer and work retail for little or no money..
so no kids, and no job to keep me busy.. wonder what i can do???

 

[KimR]

I can't help but wonder if this 'empty nest angst' is a recent phenomenon. I vividly remember my mother looking forward to us leaving home. The years after we were gone were the best of her life, especially after DH and I gave her grandchildren. Maybe it's just that we tend to invest so much more of ourselves in our children these days. Compared to my mother, I know I do at any rate. Not that one way is necessarily better than the other - in fact, the closer I get to the empty nest, the more I envy my mother's attitude.

 

[minkydog]

Our oldest graduated and moved back home. I don't know when he is planning on moving out but in a way I wish it was soon. He never picks up after himself.

I know exactly what you mean. My DS24 was a real pistol and we went through a pretty bad falling out last year over his belief that he didn't have to have a job or do his laundry or mow the grass or do any sort of housework. It took him awhile to come around, but now we're all close again. And he lives in his own apartment.

as you know from other threads, I am in the same boat..

oldest DS is a sophmore in college and says he is not coming home for thanksgiving..my baby is a senior in high school and will be leaving soon for points to be determined.. sigh.. soon empty nest is me..
seems i have been doing more than my share of remenisting (sp) about when they were young.. ( yes lots of tears too, esp when i realize that it is the last homecoming, or first qtr ..boo hoo..

i really dont know what I will do with myself.. i was laid off over a year ago and havent been able to find a job..so i just volunteer and work retail for little or no money..
so no kids, and no job to keep me busy.. wonder what i can do???

You can come over and help me with my quilt I'm having a hard time with the Firsts of the Lasts too. Last week was the last fall concert. In two weeks it will be her last Fall Show. Then the last HS pageant, the last musical, the last recital. I'm trying not to dwell on these things too much, really. I want to be happy for her as she makes this transition. I would never want to convey to her that I don't have confidence in her. I don't want to make her be our baby forever.

I can't help but wonder if this 'empty nest angst' is a recent phenomenon. I vividly remember my mother looking forward to us leaving home. The years after we were gone were the best of her life, especially after DH and I gave her grandchildren. Maybe it's just that we tend to invest so much more of ourselves in our children these days. Compared to my mother, I know I do at any rate. Not that one way is necessarily better than the other - in fact, the closer I get to the empty nest, the more I envy my mother's attitude.

I don't think it's so recent. My grandmother had a VEEEEERRY hard time when my dad, her only child, grew up and went to college. Then he got married and joined the Navy, and that was the end of her fantasies that he would come back home to live. She called him Baby until the day she died. My own mother has spoken about how hard it was for her to see all her girls grow up and move away. Most of us were out of the house by 24. I left at 18. She had a very hard time with it. I'll be the first to admit that i have been very involved with my kids all along. I dont' think I could be accused of being a helicopter parent, although I've probably had a few helicopter moments(haven't we all?)

I'm thinking that we maybe need to mark this transition with a family trip next summer.Our last big family trip was when DS turned 21, we went to WDW. I think it would be really fun to mark my DDs graduation, DS becoming a real adult, our 30th anniversary AND the start of our own transition to a different kind of parenting.

 

[MerMom60_94]

I can't help but wonder if this 'empty nest angst' is a recent phenomenon. I vividly remember my mother looking forward to us leaving home. The years after we were gone were the best of her life, especially after DH and I gave her grandchildren. Maybe it's just that we tend to invest so much more of ourselves in our children these days. Compared to my mother, I know I do at any rate. Not that one way is necessarily better than the other - in fact, the closer I get to the empty nest, the more I envy my mother's attitude.

My mother was a married at 17 and a mom at 18. I didn't have DD until I was 34. Mom had six kids over the course of 14 years while I only had one. I have a feeling part of the difference in attitudes is because people are having smaller families and starting after having had some time to live their lives for themselves a bit. My mom stayed at home until I was probably in the third grade (I am the youngest) and I have a feeling she had had plenty enough time with her kids, while I have always worked full-time and never had that feeling of not being around adults and only being around kids all day. Do you know what I'm saying?

 

[minkydog]

My mother was a married at 17 and a mom at 18. I didn't have DD until I was 34. Mom had six kids over the course of 14 years while I only had one. I have a feeling part of the difference in attitudes is because people are having smaller families and starting after having had some time to live their lives for themselves a bit. My mom stayed at home until I was probably in the third grade (I am the youngest) and I have a feeling she had had plenty enough time with her kids, while I have always worked full-time and never had that feeling of not being around adults and only being around kids all day. Do you know what I'm saying?

I didn't think about that, but you could be right. My parents married young and started having lots of babies right away. I was out of the house well before my mom hit 40. OTOH, I didn't even start having babies until I was 30 and had the last one just a few weeks shy of 40. So I have been in that activly parenting phase a bit longer than my own mother (I'm 54). In my mother's generation it was very common to get married at age 20, have 3-4-5 kids before 30, then have them out of the house before she hit perimenopause. And even before the last kid was out of the house, some of the other kids were bringing home grandchildren. So I guess our experiences have been a bit different due to our ages.

 

[ctinct]

This was written years ago by Erma Bombeck.

No More Oatmeal Kisses-January 29,1969
A young mother writes,"I know you've written before about the empty-nest syndrone,that lonely period after the children are grown and gone. Right now I'm up to my eyeballs in laundry and muddy boots. The baby is teething:the boys are fighting. My husband just called and said to eat without him, and I fell off my diet. Lay it on me again, will you?"

OK. One of these days, you'll shout, "Why don't you kids grow up and act your age!" And they will. Or, "You guys get outside and find yourselves something to do...and don't slam the door!" And they won't.
You'll staighten up the boys' bedroom neat and tidy: bumper stickers discarded, bedspread tucked and smooth, toys displayed on the shelves. Hangers in the closet. Animals caged. And you'll say our loud, "Now I want it to stay this way." And it will.
You'll prepare a perfect dinner with a salad that hasn't been picked to death and a cake with no finger traces in the icing, and you'll say, Now, there's a meal for company." And you'll eat it alone.
You'll say, I want complete privacy on the phone. No dancing around. No demolition crews. Silence! Do you hear?" And you'll have it.
No more plastic tablecloths stained with spaghetti. No more bedspreads to protect the sofa from damp bottoms. No more gates to stumble over at the top of the basement steps. No more clothespins in the sofa. No more playpens to arrange a room around.
No more anxious nights under a vaporizer tent. No more sand on the sheets or Popeye movies in the bathroom. No more iron-on patches, rubber bands for ponytails, tight boots or wet knotted shoestrings.
Imagine. A lipstick with a point on it. No baby-sitter for New Year's Eve. Washing only once a week. Seeing a steak that isn't ground. Having your teeth cleaned without a baby on your lap.
No PTA meetings. No car pools. No blaring radios. No one washing her hair at 11 o'clock at night. Having your own roll of Scotch tape.
Think about it. No more Christmas presents out of toothpicks and library paste. No more sloppy oatmeal kisses. No more tooth fairy. No giggles in the dark. No knees to heal, no responsibility.
Only a voice crying, "Why don't you grow up?" and the silence echoing,"I did."

My version has been on my fridge for probably 25 years. It's old and yellow and taped in a few places. It ran in Ann Lander's column years ago with no attribution to Erma B., so i don't know if this is just another version of hers, or if she adapted it or what, but here's what my copy says:

Wet Oatmeal Kisses

The baby is teething.The children are fighting. Your husband just called and said, "Eat dinner without me."

One of these days you'll explode and shout to the kids, "Why don't you grow up and act your age?" And they will.

Or "You guys get outside and find yourselves somethiung to do. And don't slam the door!" And they don't.

You'll straighten their bedrooms all neat and tidy, toys displayed on the shelf, hangers in the closet, animals caged. You'll yell, "Now I want it to stay this way!" And it will.

You will prepare a perfect dinner with a salad that hasn't had all the olives picked out and a cake with no finger traces in the icing and you'll say: "Now THIS is a meal for company." And you will eat it alone.

You'll yell, "I want complete privacy on the phone. No screaming. Do you hear me?" And no one will answer.

No more plastic tablecloths stained with spaghetti. No more dandelion boquets. No more iron-on patches. No more wet, knotted shoelaces, muddy boots or rubber bands for ponytails. Imagine. A lipstick with a point. No baby-sitter for New year's Eve, washing clothes only once a week, no PTA meetings or silly school plays where your child is a tree. No carpools, blaring stereos or forgotten lunch money.

No more Christmas presents made of library npaste and toothpicks. No wet oatmeal kisses. No more tooth fairy. No more giggles in the dark, skinned knees to kiss or sticky fingers to clean. Only a voice asking, "Why don't you grow up?"

And the silence echoes, "I did."


Yeah, it's going to be tough. My youngest will be 17 thursday and will be off to college next fall. My two older ones are 10 and 16 years older than she is, so they've been gone for a while, and my ex left when she was just a baby, so it's been just the two of us for a long time. I will either get a part time job (gotta pay for college!) and/or do lots of volunteering and take a few classes for fun. Sometimes I am looking forward to the next phase of my life (after all, I've been raising kids for 32 years) and sometimes I am just a total mess. I know it won't be easy, but I'm sure we'll all adjust, and some days we'll even revel in our new-found freedom. (Shhhh! Don't tell the kids!)