Aging parents and squabbling siblings

[lauradis]

I was thinking the same thing!

Op Maybe your sister just want validation that she is doing what she feels is more then her fair share. But you know her better then we do maybe she is just one of those whiney people.

If you love your sister let her ***** and try to always be positive. Never counter negative with negative.

If your sister is one of the drama much people then I wouldn't move closer to her.

Sounds like your mother is well cared for.

 

[momz]

Wow, you should be thanking your lucky stars that your sister is there for your mother.

If you are unhappy with the way your sister handles things, why not volunteer to take over for a few months. Perhaps you can be responsible for overseeing your mother's care. Spending one week there every now and then is NOT the same as carrying the daily responsibilities.

Oh wait...you chose to remove yourself from the situation...you live a few hours away...you have kids, husband, job...

phooey. Those are just excuses. If you are not willing to oversee your mother's care, then you have no right to be complaining about the person that is doing so.

The squabbling is your choice. You can change it if you want to.

 

[ColoradoDisneyFreaks]

Wow, you should be thanking your lucky stars that your sister is there for your mother.

If you are unhappy with the way your sister handles things, why not volunteer to take over for a few months. Perhaps you can be responsible for overseeing your mother's care. Spending one week there every now and then is NOT the same as carrying the daily responsibilities.

Oh wait...you chose to remove yourself from the situation...you live a few hours away...you have kids, husband, job...

phooey. Those are just excuses. If you are not willing to oversee your mother's care, then you have no right to be complaining about the person that is doing so.

The squabbling is your choice. You can change it if you want to.

Again, the OP never complained that Mom wasn't getting good care, or that she had an issue with what sister is doing, except that sister seems to want to ride herd on the OP.

This doesn't sound like the OP thinks that the sister isn't caring properly for Mom, she's got a caretaker who makes sure she's taken care of and the OP has her aunt there to also make sure everything is OK, it's just that the sister likes to complain at the OP. Honestly, it sounds like the OP does quite a bit for her Mom, and has the same fears and stress that the sister has about losing Mom, so the sister should give the OP a break and not audit caller ID to see if everyone calls once a day.

 

[FlyingDumbo]

The OP said that the aunt lives next door and that her sister visits once a week if that. You seem to be so sure about the sisters work load. If anyone would know, it would be the OP. Not us dissers.

Having lived it, I can tell you this, I had family that said similar things. Just because they said it, didn't make it true. Sometimes people say things to alleviate their personal guilt. That may not be what is happening here, but well, having been the in town caregiver, I can say it is NOT as simple as it is being stated here. Maybe that is just how it is perceived.

 

[goofyintoronto]

How old is the aunt? Does she change lightbulbs or take mom to the ER when shes sick? Siblings downplay what other siblings do all the time.
Not saying the OP is doing this but if her sister is so upset maybe she needs to take a step back and look at why.
And we are only hearing one side of the story. I wonder what the OP's sister would say?

There are way too many assumptions on this board. You said you'd be mad if you were the OP's sister, but you dont even know what her role is or how involved she is with the mom aside from whats being said. You just assume she's the one who takes care of the snow shovelling, the bills, etc. But you dont know for sure. Youre right that there are two sides to every story thou. But we can obviously only hear the OP's side of it. Regardless of the situation, it gives her no right to mistreat the other siblings. She blames her mother for the loss of her job, she blames her siblings for whatever else. Sorry but thats not right.

 

[roliepolieoliefan]

Mad at what? That the OP calls mom every day when she's in town? That she visits frequently and stays for a week, taking over 24/7 care of Mom while she's there? That she makes the drive for procedures? That she is involved in the care of their mother? It sounds like the sister is only pissed because the OP doesn't live right there. It's not like the OP isn't involved and doesn't communicate with Mom at all. This is sister freaking out (or just being her normal crazy self) for trivial crap and it's going to drive the OP away once Mom is gone.

Have you been the one in town taking care of an elderly parent, while everyone else lived there lives far away from the situation?

She cares for mom one week out of how many a year? She makes the drive for EVERY procedure? A phone call everyday and a week visit a few times a year is involved in moms care? Really?

Im thinking if sissy is "freaking out" as OP says, there is more to the story. We are hearing one side as I said. Of course OP is painting herself rosey. If the sister could speak, im sure the painting would be different.

 

[FlyingDumbo]

There are way too many assumptions on this board. You said you'd be mad if you were the OP's sister, but you dont even know what her role is or how involved she is with the mom aside from whats being said. You just assume she's the one who takes care of the snow shovelling, the bills, etc. But you dont know for sure. Youre right that there are two sides to every story thou. But we can obviously only hear the OP's side of it. Regardless of the situation, it gives her no right to mistreat the other siblings. She blames her mother for the loss of her job, she blames her siblings for whatever else. Sorry but thats not right.

Your making some assumptions there yourself.

It s not ok to mistreat her sister.

OP Ask your sister directly what you can do to help. Maybe that will make her feel less alone and less stressed about the care.

 

[roliepolieoliefan]

There are way too many assumptions on this board. You said you'd be mad if you were the OP's sister, but you dont even know what her role is or how involved she is with the mom. You just assume she's the one who takes care of the snow shovelling, the bills, etc. But you dont know for sure. Youre right that there are two sides to every story thou. But we can obviously only hear the OP's side of it. Regardless of the situation, it gives her no right to mistreat the other siblings. She blames her mother for the loss of her job, she blames her siblings for whatever else. Sorry but thats not right.

Maybe the sister had to quit her job because at that time there was no one to care for mom.
Maybe she was a sole CT for a while and is taking a break that is why she now only visits once a week.

I didnt post about about the shoveling and bills but who is responsible, ? Sister is the one who lives right there. A CT isnt going to write out checks and hire people.

As a pp stated, Ive been there done that for an aunt and uncle , not even a parent whos daughters lived out of state. Its easy to sit and dictate when you arent there and have no idea what is involved being there in a daily situation.

 

[goofyintoronto]

Your making some assumptions there yourself.

It s not ok to mistreat her sister.

OP Ask your sister directly what you can do to help. Maybe that will make her feel less alone and less stressed about the care.

Really??? What assumptions? Im stating the facts of the OP.

I agree about asking the sister. Although if she's like my sister, there's no pleasing her, no matter what you do to help.

 

[ColoradoDisneyFreaks]

Have you been the one in town taking care of an elderly parent, while everyone else lived there lives far away from the situation?

She cares for mom one week out of how many a year? She makes the drive for EVERY procedure? A phone call everyday and a week visit a few times a year is involved in moms care? Really?

Im thinking if sissy is "freaking out" as OP says, there is more to the story. We are hearing one side as I said. Of course OP is painting herself rosey. If the sister could speak, im sure the painting would be different.

Doesn't matter, the OP said she drives down for every emergency and stays for the duration, and visits mom for a week at a time, how do you know how often it is? Could be every 6 weeks she's there for a week, could be twice a year. You're assuming that the OP is slanting everything to be the best for her and worst for the sister, I'm looking at it the other way and trying to get you to admit that there could be another side.

 

[FlyingDumbo]

Really??? What assumptions? Im stating the facts of the OP.

I agree about asking the sister. Although if she's like my sister, there's no pleasing her, no matter what you do to help.

She might not be like your sister.

 

[goofyintoronto]

She might not be like your sister.

Exactly, she might not. Thats why I said "if". Lol.

 

[roliepolieoliefan]

Doesn't matter, the OP said she drives down for every emergency and stays for the duration, and visits mom for a week at a time, how do you know how often it is? Could be every 6 weeks she's there for a week, could be twice a year. You're assuming that the OP is slanting everything to be the best for her and worst for the sister, I'm looking at it the other way and trying to get you to admit that there could be another side.

Doesnt matter if the OP is there every 6 weeks, once a year or once a month, she is still removed from the situation and her sister is there ALL THE TIME! That does matter!

Having lived it and seen it in other situations , Im just saying what I experienced first hand.

Granted OP's sister could really be a freakazoid or OP could just be downplaying what the sister really does.
Im betting the truth lies somewhere in the middle.

 

[kwelch10377]

Doesnt matter if the OP is there every 6 weeks, once a year or once a month, she is still removed from the situation and her sister is there ALL THE TIME! That does matter!

Having lived it and seen it in other situations , Im just saying what I experienced first hand.

Granted OP's sister could really be a freakazoid or OP could just be downplaying what the sister really does.
Im betting the truth lies somewhere in the middle.

Given that her sister only visits every her mom every 7-10 days it doesn't seem like she is there all the time. Just because she lives in the same town doesn't mean that she is there all the time.

 

[goofyintoronto]

Given that her sister only visits every her mom every 7-10 days it doesn't seem like she is there all the time. Just because she lives in the same town doesn't mean that she is there all the time.

Exactly. I'll give you an example. My sister worked across the street from our granny. Literally, all she had to do was cross the street if she wanted to visit. But she visited only a couple of times a year....whereas I visited once a week and I was much further. You'd think because she's closer she'd have more responsibility, but thats not the case.

 

[hereyago]

OP, you will never be able to please your cray cray sister, so stop worrying about trying to do it. She sends you emails? block her email. She wants to talk about you to everyone, perhaps they all ready know she is cray or even if they don't, YOU know the truth.


I am an only child and I am 45, for the past 10 years I have been a caregiver to my parents. Now my mom is bedridden and was given 6 months or less to live, well almost a year later, she is still here and improving.

Even as a only, I still have gotten people who want to advise when they know nothing ,etc. So I kindly tell them to either come here and do it or shut the freak up. Funny thing, I haven't seen anyone try. My mom has even talked smack about me, she has a personality disorder, so that was fun, lol.

Perhaps your sister is afraid that one day, your mom will say ok, I want to move in with a kid and she will be it. Maybe she is a control freak{sounds like it with seeing the caller id}.


Does your mom have a durable POA and Living Will in place? If not and she is still sound, that is the thing to get done, should make things easier if something happens. Unless your sister is the one listed, just sayin.


But please do not feel guilty. Block her email.
But don't feel guilty. You have done nothing to feel guilty for.

 

[goofyintoronto]

Thanks, I know you are right.

You mentioned phone calls. I call my mom everyday. Most of the siblings do. This brings up another crazy sister moment. She monitors my Mom's caller id to see who calls and how often!!! She is keeping score. I just found this out, when she let it slip while reaming me about not calling for three days. I was out of town with my husband and son and didn't call everyday that week. She now brings that up all time.

Wow, thats just psychotic behaviour IMO!!!! Are you kidding me? I cant believe she's keeping score. Sorry your going thru all of this.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Can't we all just get along for Mom's sake? The answer, apparently, is no.

Mom still lives at home, but with a 24-hour live-in provider caring for all her needs from bathing and distribution of meds, to meals and housekeeping. As per my mother's wishes, she will stay in her home as long as possible and does NOT want to move in with any of her kids.

There are 7 of us. Five of us live halfway across Texas from my Mom, a good 6-8 hour drive depending on the kid. The other two still live in the town where I grew up. One of those two, my sister, is a raving lunatic.

She tries everything in her power to make the rest of us feel guilty for not living near my mom. Angry emails at 2am, bad mouthing all of us to anyone who will listen and the latest... she quit her job and blamed it on my mom. Her excuse was that she couldn't juggle mom's appointments (one check up per month) and her 3-hour per day employment. Truth is her boss inherited her and they never got along.

I'm just venting. My hair is falling out in clumps. I visit my mom every 4-6 weeks, but nothing I do will please this person. I'm stressed and filled with guilt and sadness for not being there all the time. But, what can I do? Pack it all up and move??

How nice that you are able to have a live in caregiver! That is wonderful.

As far as your sister, block her phone, email, unfriend her on FB or whatever it takes to cut her off. Tell the caregiver to call you if there is ANY issues regarding your mother or she needs something from you.

In addition, tell her that you blocked the raving lunatic sister and will be taking no more of her calls. Make sure to stress that no information will be passed onto you via this sister.

 

[dakcp2001]

You and your siblings need to all show up for a family meeting. NO EXCUSES, everyones but needs to be there, all buts in the seats together. You need to make the time to do it now. There is no later. You need to have mom there and make a durable power of attorney and living will. You need to know what your mom wants after she is gone as well. You need to all participate in the load of caring for her and divvy up the tasks. The load gets heavier and heavier and everyone needs to help out. Whomever lives closest is the one that will get the emergency calls, that is just how it is. Do not put this off, you are all adults and need to start acting like it. All the finger pointing and keeping score is not going to help any of you in the future, getting things down on paper will. And when grieving, this sort of tit for tat will be exaggerated by one thousand.

Quit complaining (this is for your sister as well), and do something about it or else it is going to get a lot worse.

Mom won't be around forever, and hurt feelings and bridges can last a long time.

 

[ShayBells]

Wow OP I can't believe all the negativity you got when you were looking to rant and some support!!!

Don't listen to the negativity!! Only you know what's going on and how you feel!!

And to all the ones bashing the OP you don't know the situation at all!! My dad lived three hours away from my grandpa and my uncle lived a minute down the road... And my dad has MS!!! Guess who had all the responsibility before and after.. My dad. Not everyone who lives close steps up to the plate. Not every situation is what you have experienced and you should not guess or judge on what you don't know. Who cares about the OP's sister she isn't on her asking for support the OP is so give it to her or move on. Don't be mean especially when you have no idea what is going on. Just because you say you've done it doesn't mean the sister is. God people show a little heart and compassion. The OP is doing all she can. If she wants to come on here and vent she's allowed and should be able to without such harsh words towards her.

OP, God bless you and take a deep breath. You know you are doing your best and please don't let your sister or anyone else get to you!! Keep in touch with your mom and focus on her and no one else!

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