Aging parents and squabbling siblings

[AustinTink]

Can't we all just get along for Mom's sake? The answer, apparently, is no.

Mom still lives at home, but with a 24-hour live-in provider caring for all her needs from bathing and distribution of meds, to meals and housekeeping. As per my mother's wishes, she will stay in her home as long as possible and does NOT want to move in with any of her kids.

There are 7 of us. Five of us live halfway across Texas from my Mom, a good 6-8 hour drive depending on the kid. The other two still live in the town where I grew up. One of those two, my sister, is a raving lunatic.

She tries everything in her power to make the rest of us feel guilty for not living near my mom. Angry emails at 2am, bad mouthing all of us to anyone who will listen and the latest... she quit her job and blamed it on my mom. Her excuse was that she couldn't juggle mom's appointments (one check up per month) and her 3-hour per day employment. Truth is her boss inherited her and they never got along.

I'm just venting. My hair is falling out in clumps. I visit my mom every 4-6 weeks, but nothing I do will please this person. I'm stressed and filled with guilt and sadness for not being there all the time. But, what can I do? Pack it all up and move??

 

[minniecarousel]

Can't we all just get along for Mom's sake? The answer, apparently, is no.

Mom still lives at home, but with a 24-hour live-in provider caring for all her needs from bathing and distribution of meds, to meals and housekeeping. As per my mother's wishes, she will stay in her home as long as possible and does NOT want to move in with any of her kids.

There are 7 of us. Five of us live halfway across Texas from my Mom, a good 6-8 hour drive depending on the kid. The other two still live in the town where I grew up. One of those two, my sister, is a raving lunatic.

She tries everything in her power to make the rest of us feel guilty for not living near my mom. Angry emails at 2am, bad mouthing all of us to anyone who will listen and the latest... she quit her job and blamed it on my mom. Her excuse was that she couldn't juggle mom's appointments (one check up per month) and her 3-hour per day employment. Truth is her boss inherited her and they never got along.

I'm just venting. My hair is falling out in clumps. I visit my mom every 4-6 weeks, but nothing I do will please this person. I'm stressed and filled with guilt and sadness for not being there all the time. But, what can I do? Pack it all up and move??

It sounds like the screaming lunatic sister is the problem, not Mom. Stay in touch with your Mom, with phone calls and visit when you can. Not much else you can do. You don't need to please sis, just Mom.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

I am sorry you are going through this. I can only imagine how stressful it is to all of you. Try to be patient with your sister. I would imagine that it is hard to be the day to day person. She is probably upset at the decline in your mother and since she lives right there she does the bulk of the work. Maybe she is overwhelmed and it is coming out of her in a terrible way. Maybe let her know that you do appreciate all that she is doing for Mom. Good luck.

 

[AustinTink]

It sounds like the screaming lunatic sister is the problem, not Mom. Stay in touch with your Mom, with phone calls and visit when you can. Not much else you can do. You don't need to please sis, just Mom.

Thanks, I know you are right.

You mentioned phone calls. I call my mom everyday. Most of the siblings do. This brings up another crazy sister moment. She monitors my Mom's caller id to see who calls and how often!!! She is keeping score. I just found this out, when she let it slip while reaming me about not calling for three days. I was out of town with my husband and son and didn't call everyday that week. She now brings that up all time.

 

[AustinTink]

I am sorry you are going through this. I can only imagine how stressful it is to all of you. Try to be patient with your sister. I would imagine that it is hard to be the day to day person. She is probably upset at the decline in your mother and since she lives right there she does the bulk of the work. Maybe she is overwhelmed and it is coming out of her in a terrible way. Maybe let her know that you do appreciate all that she is doing for Mom. Good luck.

I understand this. I have always relayed my thanks and support. But she is not there day to day. My aunt lives next door to my mom and she tells me my sister will go a week to 10 days without visiting and she lives 5 minutes away.

 

[mickeyboat]

I think you should try to give your sister a little bit of a break. She may be a lunatic, and even though she is not providing 24/7 care for your mom, being responsible for a frail human being is exhausting. You really probably have no idea how much she does for your mom.

 

[Dizneefamily+4]

Can't we all just get along for Mom's sake? The answer, apparently, is no.

Mom still lives at home, but with a 24-hour live-in provider caring for all her needs from bathing and distribution of meds, to meals and housekeeping. As per my mother's wishes, she will stay in her home as long as possible and does NOT want to move in with any of her kids.

There are 7 of us. Five of us live halfway across Texas from my Mom, a good 6-8 hour drive depending on the kid. The other two still live in the town where I grew up. One of those two, my sister, is a raving lunatic.

She tries everything in her power to make the rest of us feel guilty for not living near my mom. Angry emails at 2am, bad mouthing all of us to anyone who will listen and the latest... she quit her job and blamed it on my mom. Her excuse was that she couldn't juggle mom's appointments (one check up per month) and her 3-hour per day employment. Truth is her boss inherited her and they never got along.

I'm just venting. My hair is falling out in clumps. I visit my mom every 4-6 weeks, but nothing I do will please this person. I'm stressed and filled with guilt and sadness for not being there all the time. But, what can I do? Pack it all up and move??

It's definitely rough! I live about 4 hours from where I grew up and where my parents lived. My mom died (suddenly and unexpectedly) 4 years ago. 2 years ago, my dad developed cancer and was in the hospital and nursing home for 2 years before he died in Aug. 2012. My sister (the black sheep who even my dad didn't wish to deal with) lives about 4 hours away (in the opposite direction of me,) and as I said, I'm about 4 hours away.

My brother is about a 45 minute ride (depending on traffic) from the hospital/nursing home where my dad was. Logistically, it made sense to have him be medical and financial POA. His life was made doubly difficult by having to deal with all of my dad's medical and financial issues. He'd call me to vent and ask me to research things when he didn't have time. For the most part, he did a good job and didn't make me feel guilty about being far away. Did I agree with all of his decisions on things? Not at all. But I also realized that I COULDN'T feel guilty or upset over anything because I was far away and have 2 kids, a job, a husband, and a household to run. My brother is single.

I called my dad often and on the occasions where his cancer was at a stage where he'd have surgery or something serious, I'd make the drive down there. You do what you can and you just have to resign yourself not to feel bad over living your life too. Your sister could've moved away years ago as well. Hang in there!

 

[AustinTink]

I think you should try to give your sister a little bit of a break. She may be a lunatic, and even though she is not providing 24/7 care for your mom, being responsible for a frail human being is exhausting. You really probably have no idea how much she does for your mom.

I do know. When I go to stay with mom, I let the provider go for that week with pay and take care of everything myself. And it is exhausting. But, my sister does not do the day to day care. She takes her to the doctor and visits her once a week. When there is an emergency I fly down immediately and stay for the duration. She does NOT manage my mom's care alone.

This is so frustrating.

 

[ShayBells]

Don't pack up and move and don't feel guilty I am sure your mom wouldn't want that. Visit when you can and call when you can and ignore your sister.

My mom took care of her mom until she died and her brother lived the whole way across the US. I met the man I think once. He never visited or anything. When my moms mom died he sent her the nastiest letter saying it was her fault and all this stuff like he even had a right to when he wasn't around. It killed my mom when it shouldn't, because it was his problem. He couldn't even make the trip for the funeral. We lived about three hours away from my Nannie until we moved her to us (she wanted this.) family can get mean during rough times because of heightened emotions. I've seen this through out my crazy family.

There is nothing you need to feel guilty about. As long as your mom knows you love her and you are happy. I am sure she is fine.

I send prayers to you and your family.

Sent from my iPhone using DISBoards

 

[mickeyboat]

I do know. When I go to stay with mom, I let the provider go for that week with pay and take care of everything myself. And it is exhausting. But, my sister does not do the day to day care. She takes her to the doctor and visits her once a week. When there is an emergency I fly down immediately and stay for the duration. She does NOT manage my mom's care alone.

This is so frustrating.

Who mows her lawn? Who shovels her driveway? Who changes the lightbulbs or the batteries in her smoke detectors? Who plunges her toilet when it clogs? Who does her Christmas shopping or her grocery shopping? Who picks up her prescriptions? Who gets the call in the middle of the night that she is going to the hospital? Who does she call when she has a panic attack or when she is just scared? Who has gone with her to her doctors appointments to help explain things to your mom and to ask the right questions? Who relays all the information about your mom's health to all your siblnigs? Who prepares her meals? Who makes sure she has all of the medical supplies she needs? Who manages her bills? Who manages her health insurance? Who takes care of her mail? Who takes care of her garbage and recycling? Who does her banking? I could go on.

And face it, you come for a week, do everything, and then go home. Your sister has the responsibility all the time. I can see why she would get upset when you are so clearly minimizing everything she does for your mom.

 

[Riles_and_Gabe]

Who mows her lawn? Who shovels her driveway? Who changes the lightbulbs or the batteries in her smoke detectors? Who plunges her toilet when it clogs? Who does her Christmas shopping or her grocery shopping? Who picks up her prescriptions? Who gets the call in the middle of the night that she is going to the hospital? Who does she call when she has a panic attack or when she is just scared? Who has gone with her to her doctors appointments to help explain things to your mom and to ask the right questions? Who relays all the information about your mom's health to all your siblnigs? Who prepares her meals? Who makes sure she has all of the medical supplies she needs? Who manages her bills? Who manages her health insurance? Who takes care of her mail? Who takes care of her garbage and recycling? Who does her banking? I could go on.

And face it, you come for a week, do everything, and then go home. Your sister has the responsibility all the time. I can see why she would get upset when you are so clearly minimizing everything she does for your mom.

It sounds like the OP's mom has a 24 hour caregiver that is hired and not the sister. I would think the caregiver is doing most of the items you have listed. According to the OP, the sister at most visits once a week. While the OP can't visit as frequently, she does stay a week at a time. I would guess it probably evens out between the two of them.

OP I definitely understand where you are coming from. My Grandmother is currently in a Nursing Home and will be there permanently. My Mother is about a 5 hour drive from her and she feels guilty that she can't visit more often. Hang in there and enjoy the quality time that you do get to spend with your Mother.

 

[LilyWDW]

I think you should try to give your sister a little bit of a break. She may be a lunatic, and even though she is not providing 24/7 care for your mom, being responsible for a frail human being is exhausting. You really probably have no idea how much she does for your mom.

That doesn't mean she has the right to make the rest of them feel bad just because they live further away. I took care of my mom through her bout with Cancer for 7 months... JUST me. I had no nursing help. I had no siblings. My mom's family lived 7.5 hours away. So, yes, it was ALL on me. That didn't mean that I would be complaining about how my aunt couldn't get down here or how someone did not call for 3 days.

 

[FlyingDumbo]

Having been the one " in town" for my grandfather I can tell you there is a lot more to it than one appointment a month. I think you are hugely downplaying the role your sister has. I can understand why she's aggravated. There are trips to the grocery store, calls from the caregiver constantly. It's like always having a child to consider. You can't go away, you can't turn your phone off, and your phone rings in the middle of the night. You have to call chasing after prescriptions, fight with insurance, deal with repairmen and bill collectors. Caregivers do a lot, but they need someone in charge of the care. It's like a full time job.

I'm telling you, she does a lot more than one appointment a month, I'd bet my house on it. Having walked in those shoes, and had relatives say similar things about the amount I was doing, it was infuriating. It was literally like a full time job with all the time stress and worrying.


You know when everyone ese howled up? When they wanted his car, condo, and belongings after he passed. Suddenly they had ll the me in he world to come fight over the poor mans stuff. I think they are still sueing each other.

 

[goofyintoronto]

OMG your sister sounds exactly like mine!!! I feel for you. Just do the best you can and dont pay much attention to her rants. She has no right to make you or anyone else feel bad. No matter how much work she puts into it. Hang in there.

 

[goofyintoronto]

Having been the one " in town" for my grandfather I can tell you there is a lot more to it than one appointment a month. I think you are hugely downplaying the role your sister has. I can understand why she's aggravated. There are trips to the grocery store, calls from the caregiver constantly. It's like always having a child to consider. You can't go away, you can't turn your phone off, and your phone rings in the middle of the night. You have to call chasing after prescriptions, fight with insurance, deal with repairmen and bill collectors. Caregivers do a lot, but they need someone in charge of the care. It's like a full time job.

I'm telling you, she does a lot more than one appointment a month, I'd bet my house on it. Having walked in those shoes, and had relatives say similar things about the amount I was doing, it was infuriating. It was literally like a full time job with all the time stress and worrying.


You know when everyone ese howled up? When they wanted his car, condo, and belongings after he passed. Suddenly they had ll the me in he world to come fight over the poor mans stuff. I think they are still sueing each other.

The OP said that the aunt lives next door and that her sister visits once a week if that. You seem to be so sure about the sisters work load. If anyone would know, it would be the OP. Not us dissers.

 

[kwelch10377]

Who mows her lawn? Who shovels her driveway? Who changes the lightbulbs or the batteries in her smoke detectors? Who plunges her toilet when it clogs? Who does her Christmas shopping or her grocery shopping? Who picks up her prescriptions? Who gets the call in the middle of the night that she is going to the hospital? Who does she call when she has a panic attack or when she is just scared? Who has gone with her to her doctors appointments to help explain things to your mom and to ask the right questions? Who relays all the information about your mom's health to all your siblnigs? Who prepares her meals? Who makes sure she has all of the medical supplies she needs? Who manages her bills? Who manages her health insurance? Who takes care of her mail? Who takes care of her garbage and recycling? Who does her banking? I could go on.

And face it, you come for a week, do everything, and then go home. Your sister has the responsibility all the time. I can see why she would get upset when you are so clearly minimizing everything she does for your mom.

How do you know it is her sister that does all that? The OP stated that her sister was one of two siblings that still live in town, not to mention her aunt lives next door. Her mom has a 24 hour live in care giver who prepares meals, does housekeeping, etc so it sounds like a lot of this stuff the care giver deals with, not the sister. Her sister clearly isn't 100% responsible for the care of their mother.

 

[goofyintoronto]

How do you know it is her sister that does all that? The OP stated that her sister was one of two siblings that still live in town, not to mention her aunt lives next door. Her mom has a 24 hour live in care giver who prepares meals, does housekeeping, etc so it sounds like a lot of this stuff the care giver deals with, not the sister. Her sister clearly isn't 100% responsible for the care of their mother.

I was thinking the same thing!

 

[roliepolieoliefan]

Having been the one " in town" for my grandfather I can tell you there is a lot more to it than one appointment a month. I think you are hugely downplaying the role your sister has. I can understand why she's aggravated. There are trips to the grocery store, calls from the caregiver constantly. It's like always having a child to consider. You can't go away, you can't turn your phone off, and your phone rings in the middle of the night. You have to call chasing after prescriptions, fight with insurance, deal with repairmen and bill collectors. Caregivers do a lot, but they need someone in charge of the care. It's like a full time job. I'm telling you, she does a lot more than one appointment a month, I'd bet my house on it. Having walked in those shoes, and had relatives say similar things about the amount I was doing, it was infuriating. It was literally like a full time job with all the time stress and worrying. You know when everyone ese howled up? When they wanted his car, condo, and belongings after he passed. Suddenly they had ll the me in he world to come fight over the poor mans stuff. I think they are still sueing each other.

I agree, makes me glad I'm an only child.

My neighbors mom has 24 in home caretakers. He still goes to his moms a couple times a week, sometimes more when the CT's call. He is the one who sat in the ER all night with his 2 young children when she fell, plus countless other things not relayed to his sisters.

Neighbors sisters live 5 hours away and sound like the OP. They cant see it but , gees I'm not even family and I see how much the neighbor does for his mom.

If I was the OP 's sister I'd be mad too.

 

[roliepolieoliefan]

The OP said that the aunt lives next door and that her sister visits once a week if that. You seem to be so sure about the sisters work load. If anyone would know, it would be the OP. Not us dissers.

How old is the aunt? Does she change lightbulbs or take mom to the ER when shes sick? Siblings downplay what other siblings do all the time.
Not saying the OP is doing this but if her sister is so upset maybe she needs to take a step back and look at why.
And we are only hearing one side of the story. I wonder what the OP's sister would say?

 

[ColoradoDisneyFreaks]

I agree, makes me glad I'm an only child.

My neighbors mom has 24 in home caretakers. He still goes to his moms a couple times a week, sometimes more when the CT's call. He is the one who sat in the ER all night with his 2 young children when she fell, plus countless other things not relayed to his sisters.

Neighbors sisters live 5 hours away and sound like the OP. They cant see it but , gees I'm not even family and I see how much the neighbor does for his mom.

If I was the OP 's sister I'd be mad too.

Mad at what? That the OP calls mom every day when she's in town? That she visits frequently and stays for a week, taking over 24/7 care of Mom while she's there? That she makes the drive for procedures? That she is involved in the care of their mother?

It sounds like the sister is only pissed because the OP doesn't live right there. It's not like the OP isn't involved and doesn't communicate with Mom at all. This is sister freaking out (or just being her normal crazy self) for trivial crap and it's going to drive the OP away once Mom is gone.