Age to become engaged?

[NHdisneylover]

I guess what I am wondering is how serious to take an 'engagement'? My DD is 'hoping' in 2014 her BF asks her when we are at WDW (we are taking him with us, and they will both be 20 and both have a lot of maturing to do).

They will still have many years of school ahead of them. She is going at a slower pace and will probably have 3 more years, and he is planning to get a medical degree so will have about 7 years ahead of him I am guessing.

So they can't really get married for a long time after that. Neither of them will have a job. But it sort of seems like saying your engaged isn't quite as big of a deal since you can always end that easily I suppose.

I understand her wanting to get engaged at WDW (which would be magical of course), but it just seems too soon, and I am not sure how serious to take it. A lot can happen over the years ahead.

Of course.....I really have no control over it since they are adults. And I do like the boy very much and think one day it would be very nice. But it seems like a long time for an engagement and not sure what the point of it would be other than to be able to say they got engaged at WDW.

OKay--this is likely just me (almost certainly given no one else has said anything like it yet ), but here goes my opinion

If I am reading this and your follow ups to it correctly, your DD is currently 19 (or possibly even 18) and you are planning a large trip nearly a year and a half from now that includes her current boyfriend?
Honestly, that right there strikes me as odd and as putting way too much pressure on these young adults to make and keep their relationship much more serious than it NEEDS to be (which is not to say they might not last--I was DH and I were 18 when we started dating; but out parents were not putting that kind of expectation on us at all). As a parent, I see nothing wrong with including a 20 year old's significant other on a vacation--but I would plan a FAMILY trip and only invite the SO a few months out, if they are still together.

Beyond that--I find it odd to be worried to the extent you seem to be over a "possible" engagement which might occur over a year from now. Talk about putting the cart before the horse!

I would also be making it clear to my DD that pressuring someone to propose just so it happens at some special places is really pretty awful AND that the point of the vacation is a nice family trip and if she is going to be disappointing or unhappy on the trip if this does not occur--especially given that this is not something she really has much control over without exerting undue pressure on her boyfriend. I would NOT want to have her along if her whole trip will be about that.

Food for thought but probably just my own weird perspective.

 

[kamik86]

Lets see I was engaged when I was 19, married at 22.

My mom was all upset and thought I was getting engaged way to early and all this other BS. My older sister had a kid at 18 and me getting engaged at 19 was that big of a deal?

We took so long to get married because we had to save for the wedding (poor college kids) and I wanted to be closer to graduation (we got married 6 months before I graduated, but honestly I wish we had just done something smaller earlier now)

 

[NeverlandClub23]

I was 23 the first time I got engaged (never married), 25 the second time I got engaged at WDW (never married), and just shy of 30 the third (and final!) time of being engaged. I never felt ready until now and I feel like I got to fully experience my 20's. Everyone's different and some people are ready at younger ages. Most of my friends are just now getting married or having their first child.

 

[westjones]

OKay--this is likely just me (almost certainly given no one else has said anything like it yet ), but here goes my opinion

If I am reading this and your follow ups to it correctly, your DD is currently 19 (or possibly even 18) and you are planning a large trip nearly a year and a half from now that includes her current boyfriend?
Honestly, that right there strikes me as odd and as putting way too much pressure on these young adults to make and keep their relationship much more serious than it NEEDS to be

Oh I haven't said a word to either of them. I am 'venting' to you guys. They were at our house, watching this Disney wedding show and the subject came up between them and I overheard it.

My DD and her BF are both 19 and have been dating a year and spend every day together. We have just come to realize he will be at our house ever evening doing homework and stuff.

Last year I told both of my girls we would save up our DVC points and get a 2 bedroom at WDW in March 2014 and they could both bring a friend and since they can sleep in the living room and AKV has two beds in the living room it works out whether they bring a girl or a boy (girls in the second bedroom, boys in the living room, DH and I get the master). SO that is how the whole Disney trip with friends came about (it wasn't specifically planned for this boy to join us....just whomever my DD invited).

Then I overheard this conversation between DD and her BF about Disney and getting engaged/married. I said nothing, and have still said nothing. Just had a 'panic' moment thinking 'my baby is too young for that!"

I would prefer for engagement talk to wait until after graduation. And of course right now that is all it is....'talk'.

I don't know what the two of them might or might not decide to do on this upcoming trip. I just wondered if this was the norm now days for young people to get engaged at that age....I mean, DH and I did, so we can't say it is wrong. But I sort of thought young people were waiting longer.

And I am not sure how serious to take it if they do this. I don't know how to react.

But believe me, I am not pressuring them to do this! I am just smiling and giving little reminders about how important it is to finish college and get good jobs and stuff like that. Basically giving advice when she is open to hearing it. But in all reality, it isn't my decision, or in my control.

I was just sort of taken by surprise when I heard that conversation which may have been no more than a conversation and by March 2014 they will have totally forgotten it (and I won't be bringing it up).

Bottom line, I want my DD to be happy and I hope one day she marries the perfect guy for her. I don't know if this will be the right man for her because this 'man' (at age 19) is still a boy in my eyes with a lot of maturing to do...BUT he shows lots of 'promise' and we are fond of him and he treats our DD very well.

 

[Cannot_Wait_4Disney]

Those of you with young adult children.....what age seems to be common now days to get engaged?

It really all depends. People will get engaged when they think they are ready and when they find the one, whatever age they may be.

Originally Posted by westjones View Post
Sooooooo.....another question.....Do you have to have a ring to get engaged? I really don't think he can afford it if he moves to an apartment. I mean he works 28 hours a week and goes full time to his pre-med classes and he is also on a sports team, so he can't work more than that. So if young adults now days consider the 'ring' as part of the engagement then I am guessing it won't happen.

You don't need a ring to get engaged. But the default framed into most peoples minds is to get one. I got engaged without one. The couple can pick one out together after they get engaged if you want. Or the guy can have one ready. Or the woman can drop some hints at what she wants. Or the couple can go without. It's rare to go completely without but not unheard of. And you don't have to get an expensive wedding ring either. I've seen people get married and have two gold bands worth less than $50 between them. But if lack of a ring and not being able to afford a nice expensive one is the only thing holding him back, well then it is up to the woman in his life to drop hints that she is fine without an expensive one.

 

[westjones]

I will add though...if they DO decide to get engaged on this Disney trip, I am going to do my very best to put all of my worries and concern behind me and just be happy for them and try to react in a very positive way because I would not want to spoil it for them in anyway.

 

[NHdisneylover]

Oh I haven't said a word to either of them. I am 'venting' to you guys. They were at our house, watching this Disney wedding show and the subject came up between them and I overheard it.

My DD and her BF are both 19 and have been dating a year and spend every day together. We have just come to realize he will be at our house ever evening doing homework and stuff.

Last year I told both of my girls we would save up our DVC points and get a 2 bedroom at WDW in March 2014 and they could both bring a friend and since they can sleep in the living room and AKV has two beds in the living room it works out whether they bring a girl or a boy (girls in the second bedroom, boys in the living room, DH and I get the master). SO that is how the whole Disney trip with friends came about (it wasn't specifically planned for this boy to join us....just whomever my DD invited).

Then I overheard this conversation between DD and her BF about Disney and getting engaged/married. I said nothing, and have still said nothing. Just had a 'panic' moment thinking 'my baby is too young for that!"

I would prefer for engagement talk to wait until after graduation. And of course right now that is all it is....'talk'.

I don't know what the two of them might or might not decide to do on this upcoming trip. I just wondered if this was the norm now days for young people to get engaged at that age....I mean, DH and I did, so we can't say it is wrong. But I sort of thought young people were waiting longer.

And I am not sure how serious to take it if they do this. I don't know how to react.

But believe me, I am not pressuring them to do this! I am just smiling and giving little reminders about how important it is to finish college and get good jobs and stuff like that. Basically giving advice when she is open to hearing it. But in all reality, it isn't my decision, or in my control.

I was just sort of taken by surprise when I heard that conversation which may have been no more than a conversation and by March 2014 they will have totally forgotten it (and I won't be bringing it up).

Bottom line, I want my DD to be happy and I hope one day she marries the perfect guy for her. I don't know if this will be the right man for her because this 'man' (at age 19) is still a boy in my eyes with a lot of maturing to do...BUT he shows lots of 'promise' and we are fond of him and he treats our DD very well.

Okay--THIS makes sense. Poor Mom--I bet that did throw you. It sounds like you are handling it well though

 

[Piglets Mommy]

This is true. It is a long ways a way and a lot can happen.

And your ring sounds wonderful! Who wouldn't want a hidden Mickey anniversary band! That would be awesome

Oh and did he buy it for you at the parks? Where do they sell nice rings like that?

They are all over...they had quite a few in the $20-$50 range at Mouse Gears in Epcot as well as World of Disney in DTD. A few of the MOD and Deluxe resorts had a selection as well, but the best selections were at Mouse Gears and DTD. There used to ba a nice fine jewelery store at on Main Street, but even though it still says Main Street Jewelers, it is mostly pins. They had a few nice "real" pieces, but I'd rather have that $$ go towards another trip

 

[westjones]

They are all over...they had quite a few in the $20-$50 range at Mouse Gears in Epcot as well as World of Disney in DTD. A few of the MOD and Deluxe resorts had a selection as well, but the best selections were at Mouse Gears and DTD. There used to be a nice fine jewelery store at on Main Street, but even though it still says Main Street Jewelers, it is mostly pins. They had a few nice "real" pieces, but I'd rather have that $$ go towards another trip

Oh I will have to take a look next time. Maybe give DH a few little hints

When we were in college and he asked me to marry him, he couldn't afford a ring and that summer we were at Cedar Point and he bought me a "Love Knot" ring to wear until he could save up for an engagement ring. I wore that ring until the band wore so thin it broke, but I kept it and have it in a keepsake box. In some ways that cheap little Cedar Point ring means more than the engagement ring because it was bought at a spontaneous romantic moment.

Now if only DH would do that at WDW for me, I would love it!

 

[mrsklamc]

OP- as far as some girls picking out their own rings, my DH got advice that I thought was great....someone told him to find out what shape of diamond I liked, choose a solitaire and then I could choose a band/wrap I liked to go with it.

 

[pixiewings71]

DD24 just celebrated her 1 year anniversary, she and her DH have been together since they were 16 in high school and they have a beautiful (and smart) 3 year old DD. They both work full time, have a house that they purchased together (with no help from either set of parents) and a car as well, currently they have 1 car because they haven't needed 2 but they are discussing getting another car soon.

 

[Kitty 34]

Two of my three sons got engaged this year. They are 23 and 25.

My oldest DS 32 is saving up to buy his GF a ring which he wants to give her early 2013

 

[pigletgirl]

We were young, 21 at engagement and 22 when we got married. I have loads of friends who are single who aren't in a relationship and are happy doing other things.

I wouldn't say there is an age IF and WHEN it happens is different for everyone and there is no need to place pressure on them.

 

[minkydog]

Oh I haven't said a word to either of them. I am 'venting' to you guys. They were at our house, watching this Disney wedding show and the subject came up between them and I overheard it.

My DD and her BF are both 19 and have been dating a year and spend every day together. We have just come to realize he will be at our house ever evening doing homework and stuff.

Last year I told both of my girls we would save up our DVC points and get a 2 bedroom at WDW in March 2014 and they could both bring a friend and since they can sleep in the living room and AKV has two beds in the living room it works out whether they bring a girl or a boy (girls in the second bedroom, boys in the living room, DH and I get the master). SO that is how the whole Disney trip with friends came about (it wasn't specifically planned for this boy to join us....just whomever my DD invited).

Then I overheard this conversation between DD and her BF about Disney and getting engaged/married. I said nothing, and have still said nothing. Just had a 'panic' moment thinking 'my baby is too young for that!"

I would prefer for engagement talk to wait until after graduation. And of course right now that is all it is....'talk'.

I don't know what the two of them might or might not decide to do on this upcoming trip. I just wondered if this was the norm now days for young people to get engaged at that age....I mean, DH and I did, so we can't say it is wrong. But I sort of thought young people were waiting longer.

And I am not sure how serious to take it if they do this. I don't know how to react.

But believe me, I am not pressuring them to do this! I am just smiling and giving little reminders about how important it is to finish college and get good jobs and stuff like that. Basically giving advice when she is open to hearing it. But in all reality, it isn't my decision, or in my control.

I was just sort of taken by surprise when I heard that conversation which may have been no more than a conversation and by March 2014 they will have totally forgotten it (and I won't be bringing it up).

Bottom line, I want my DD to be happy and I hope one day she marries the perfect guy for her. I don't know if this will be the right man for her because this 'man' (at age 19) is still a boy in my eyes with a lot of maturing to do...BUT he shows lots of 'promise' and we are fond of him and he treats our DD very well.

I don't think I would give this too much thought. A lot can happen in the next 2 years. They'll be going to college soon and lots of changes will take place there. Hopefully, they will be going ot different schools, but even if they don't it's not uncommon for young adults to spread their wings some in college. I know they think they want to do big things in college, but it's not uncommon for young people to change their majors once they get into their studies.
I can remember when I was about 16 having a boyfriend who got pretty serious. HE wanted gave me a promise ring *and my mother nearly hit the roof over that* He borrowed a wedding magazine from one of his sisters and wanted to spend time looking at gowns, planning the wedding, the food, they honeymoon. It really got to be kinda weird. Eventually we broke up (16, remember) and went our separate ways. About 5 years later, Boyfriend came out to his family. I think he really was trying to be in love with me, trying to be "normal" and this was his way to try to cope.

Hopefully, they won't rush into anything or get pregnant, but if they do they won't be the only ones who ever did that. I would just stand back, wait and watch. Keep your ear to the ground for now.

 

[Denise W]

Both of my daughters have gotten engaged within the past year. One is 23, the other is 29. No wedding dates have been set yet!


Denise

 

[minkydog]

A lot of our physician friends were married before med school. As they tell it, it helps immensely. They can get student family housing and one spouse can work to help supplement the income while the other gets his/her medical degree full time. The spouses I have known have also finished up their degrees, so no, they were not sacrificing their careers.

I have good friends who were HS sweethearts. they went to college with me, she studied education and he was in pre-med. They married when they were 20-21. Their parents weren't too happy about that, but they both graduated with their BS degrees. He went on to med school while she worked to support them. He became a doctor in a rural location and they've been married at least 30 years. So I know it can be done.

Sooooooo.....another question.....Do you have to have a ring to get engaged? I really don't think he can afford it if he moves to an apartment. I mean he works 28 hours a week and goes full time to his pre-med classes and he is also on a sports team, so he can't work more than that. So if young adults now days consider the 'ring' as part of the engagement then I am guessing it won't happen.

IMO, I would not have been engaged without the ring. See below...

To each their own, but I know for me personally, in college if someone told me they were 'engaged,' but just didn't have a ring yet, I was thinking "Yeah, sure you are." I'm sure there are people out there who that has worked out for, but it was not any of the ones I knew. At least as far as the girls in my dorm went, that meant 'he's stringing her along.'

Exactly. I see a lot of young women who are "engaged" and refer to their "fiance" for months to years without any ring or date to show for it. It seems to be a way to take her "off the market" while the guy fiddles around and decides whether he's going to keep looking or not. One woman I worked with was "engaged" for 12 YEARS! Seriously, girl! Get some gumption!

I believe that when a couple gets engaged they should have some outward expression of their commitment. This doens't have to be a swanky ring. It could be something much less expensive than a diamond. My engagement ring had a very small, VERY small diamond in it. I doubt it cost more than $500, if that. But it was what my fiance could afford and I cherished it. DH replaced the diamond about 5 years later, but the setting is the same.

 

[westjones]

Both of my daughters have gotten engaged within the past year. One is 23, the other is 29. No wedding dates have been set yet!


Denise

Well I suppose as long as no real wedding plans start up, an engagement shouldn't be something to worry about too much yet.

 

[minkydog]

But some girls like to pick out their own ring don't they? I don't know...it is all so confusing. Last year all I was worried about was prom dresses.

And 2014 is still far off and a lot can happen by then (maybe they will change their mind).

Don't get me wrong. I like the boy and I think he is a good match for my DD. I just think they both have a lot of maturing to do and a lot of college to finish.

BUT I know my DD thinks getting engaged at WDW would be the best thing ever and since they will be there in March 2014.....I have a feeling she will be hoping for a proposal.

I picked out my ring. DH and I went shopping together and found one we liked, then he bought it and gave it to me for Christmas 1979.

Honestly, it sound like you all are giving a LOT of attention to these engagement plans. I'd probably just put the brakes on that. No reason to get drawn into their little games. If they want to talke about getting engaged, they will and there's not much you can do about that after they turn 18. But I wouldn't encourage it by planning vacations for them in 2014! I don't know your daughter, but it sounds like she is in love with the idea of getting engaged at WDW.

 

[nchulka]

I'm really surprised how many people want their kids to not get married until they are older. I would really hope that my kids would be married by 21-22 at the latest, and have kids within a couple of years. I have no desire to be an old grandma

 

[westjones]

I picked out my ring. DH and I went shopping together and found one we liked, then he bought it and gave it to me for Christmas 1979.

Honestly, it sound like you all are giving a LOT of attention to these engagement plans. I'd probably just put the brakes on that. No reason to get drawn into their little games. If they want to talke about getting engaged, they will and there's not much you can do about that after they turn 18. But I wouldn't encourage it by planning vacations for them in 2014! I don't know your daughter, but it sounds like she is in love with the idea of getting engaged at WDW.

They are both 19 already. They will be 20 when we go. And it is our family vacation, he is just coming along...or whomever my DD wants to invite. We are allowing both of our girls to bring a friend.

And I was just asking what was the common age these days. When I was their age it was early 20s (but I am 52 so that was a long time ago), so I didn't know what the current 'norm' was and that is why I asked.

It just hadn't enter my mind that this was something that might even happen anytime soon. It sort of caught me off guard.