Age to become engaged?

[J3nn78]

I was 18 and DH was 17 when he proposed. We waited 5 years until we finished college before getting married. We've been married for 11 years now.

 

[Hrhpd]

My son and his long time girlfriend decided they were not going to get engaged until they both had degrees and jobs in their chosen fields. They got engaged at 24 and 25 and married at 26 and 27 (saving for a house in the meantime). I wish I were that smart at that age!

That is my kid. They have been in a serious relationship for 3 years. Both are committed to finishing their degrees and having decent jobs (both in engineering, so jobs are not a problem) before they get engaged.

I don't think there is a normal age. In my children's group of friends, they have ones that were married young and some who are holding out a bit longer. It really depends on the person and mostly when they fall in love.

 

[Hrhpd]

I'd say mid to late twenties...but that doesn't make it wrong to fall outside those norms.

I could be wrong but I'm thinking OP has a longstanding intense dislike of her DD's BF so if I'm correct and OP is thinking about her daughter...well, it really doesn't matter what 'average' is, if your kids are of age, you get no say.

If they are in love and can support themselves (even tightly), then that is the only age that matters.

 

[TinkerBelled]

Speaking as somebody who has a PhD and a JD and who is married to a beautiful wife who also possesses an advanced degree, and as one who also got engaged at 24 years old, there is a statistically meaningful and high correlation between educational level and age of engagement. It's not a perfect correlation, obviously, as my wife of now 11 years and I will attest, but there is a high correlation nonetheless. That's not a value judgement, by the way, but more a logical and accurate reflection of when people start focusing on starting families; most of my contemporaries in graduate school were solely focused on their education, and hence not anywhere close to being in a relationship, much less one that would lead to engagement.

This is spot on.

In my experience, friends who graduated from high school and went to work were married by 20-21. Friends who graduated from college and went to work were married around 25. And those who pursued further education, especially if their graduate course lasted beyond two years, are getting married at 30 or later. It seems as if people tend to get married about three-four years after they find themselves as settled workers/professionals, and that makes sense to me.

 

[Becky2005]

I don't think it really matters. Whenever it seems right to the 2 people getting married.

I have head everything around here all over the spectrum. The perspective is always skewed by the person experience.

My DD is only 18 and not in a serious relationship yet but I find it hilarious that she tells everyone she wants to have kids by 25 & everyone "gasps...that's too young"...yet I had her when I was 25 and seemed pretty average around here. I never considered myself a young mom, nor do I consider myself an old one either for my youngest.

I think it comes from watching my parents who had us, umm...I would say young but in that generation was probably old to be having kids. LOL!!! My mom was 28 when she had me and I'm the 3rd kid. I loved how when we were all grown, they still were able to run around and enjoy life (they still do!). I'm going to be older when my youngest is 18 since I was 35 when I had him. They did NOT have empty nest syndrome (I'm pretty sure they were helping me pack my bags to move out!!!)

I was 22 & DH was 29 when we got married. It seems young I suppose but to this day I still don't think it was that young. I was living in an apartment on my own, working full-time and really didn't seem to think it was too young...wouldn't have made much difference if I was a year or two older.

 

[Hrhpd]

I guess what I am wondering is how serious to take an 'engagement'? My DD is 'hoping' in 2014 her BF asks her when we are at WDW (we are taking him with us, and they will both be 20 and both have a lot of maturing to do).

They will still have many years of school ahead of them. She is going at a slower pace and will probably have 3 more years, and he is planning to get a medical degree so will have about 7 years ahead of him I am guessing.

So they can't really get married for a long time after that. Neither of them will have a job. But it sort of seems like saying your engaged isn't quite as big of a deal since you can always end that easily I suppose.

I understand her wanting to get engaged at WDW (which would be magical of course), but it just seems too soon, and I am not sure how serious to take it. A lot can happen over the years ahead.

Of course.....I really have no control over it since they are adults. And I do like the boy very much and think one day it would be very nice. But it seems like a long time for an engagement and not sure what the point of it would be other than to be able to say they got engaged at WDW.

A lot of our physician friends were married before med school. As they tell it, it helps immensely. They can get student family housing and one spouse can work to help supplement the income while the other gets his/her medical degree full time. The spouses I have known have also finished up their degrees, so no, they were not sacrificing their careers.

 

[westjones]

A lot of our physician friends were married before med school. As they tell it, it helps immensely. They can get student family housing and one spouse can work to help supplement the income while the other gets his/her medical degree full time. The spouses I have known have also finished up their degrees, so no, they were not sacrificing their careers.

Well DH has a PhD and we were married after we both got our undergrad and I worked while he was in school. I guess as a 'mom' things look different on this side. haha

I would like them to have establish careers and a good income (even though DH and I didn't do that----we figured we would be poor alone or poor together, might as well be poor together).

Honestly I don't think the boy could afford an engagement ring in 2014. He has to pay a lot of his own college expense and his parents don't want him taking out loans and he wants to move into an apartment with a friend next year so he will be broke all the time.

Sooooooo.....another question.....Do you have to have a ring to get engaged? I really don't think he can afford it if he moves to an apartment. I mean he works 28 hours a week and goes full time to his pre-med classes and he is also on a sports team, so he can't work more than that. So if young adults now days consider the 'ring' as part of the engagement then I am guessing it won't happen.

 

[mrsklamc]

To each their own, but I know for me personally, in college if someone told me they were 'engaged,' but just didn't have a ring yet, I was thinking "Yeah, sure you are." I'm sure there are people out there who that has worked out for, but it was not any of the ones I knew. At least as far as the girls in my dorm went, that meant 'he's stringing her along.'

 

[goofyintoronto]

Sooooooo.....another question.....Do you have to have a ring to get engaged? I really don't think he can afford it if he moves to an apartment. I mean he works 28 hours a week and goes full time to his pre-med classes and he is also on a sports team, so he can't work more than that. So if young adults now days consider the 'ring' as part of the engagement then I am guessing it won't happen.

You dont have to have a ring to be engaged. It all depends on the girl. Some of my friends are all about the bling. They specifically said, and I quote: "I want the biggest brightest ring there is! If its anything less than a carat than he clearly doesnt love me". Thats a very shallow way of thinking. Do you love HIM or the ring? Or do you just like the idea of being engaged? Whats important here?

To each their own, but I know for me personally, in college if someone told me they were 'engaged,' but just didn't have a ring yet, I was thinking "Yeah, sure you are." I'm sure there are people out there who that has worked out for, but it was not any of the ones I knew. At least as far as the girls in my dorm went, that meant 'he's stringing her along.'

Thats quite sad. Not having a ring doesnt mean he's stringing her along or isnt serious about her. Every couple has different reasons for not having a ring. Some cant afford it, some girls just dont care for it (like me!). If i were to ever re-marry, i most likely will tell him to save his money. I dont care for a diamond ring. I'd rather not have a ring and put that money towards something better. Like an awesome wedding ring....... Shocker huh?

 

[Becky2005]

It certainly helps to have a ring if you have a normal proposal. Some of us get weird proposals that are not really planned things. It would be very weird to have a planned out proposal without a ring, in my opinion.

Then again, I'm really happy that I pretty much bought my own wedding rings (DH did pay me for them but I worked in a Jewelry department, so got a super great deal on a set I loved, so I bought it myself while I had the chance) because after the fact, DH said he would have picked a traditional solitaire which I really, really, really don't like.

Obviously, I'm not normal and you should not go by what worked for my DH & I...after reading this sounds really bizarre. We have been married 21 years though so it worked for us.

 

[mrsklamc]

Like I said, I'm sure it works out for some. These were not girls who didn't want rings, they were girls with boyfriends who didn't want as serious a commitment as the girls did.

 

[Colleen27]

I'm not sure there is a normal any more. I was engaged at 20 and married at 22. Among my friends I was the first but only by a year, and some are still in the dating/not ready to settle down stage now (early 30s).

I agree with DisyKat that readiness for and ability to live independently (even if money is tight) matters much more than age. I was out on my own at 17, done with school and in a full time professional job at 19, so settling down to marriage and family in my early 20s wasn't a big leap. Some of my friends still aren't out on their own, thanks to poor choice of major, graduate school, student loan debt, the current economy, or a combination thereof, so it is no surprise that they aren't thinking about marriage or family.

 

[Becky2005]

As to the seriousness of it...even with a ring...you could be engaged for years and still break it up, just as if you weren't engaged.

So I'm thinking the real question is how soon do you think they will actually get married after the engagement? I know you said they have plans to wait, etc.. so in that case..I would think someone is serious about getting married when they start either starting to schedule location, caterer, flowers, etc... if they plan on a wedding event or taking the route to go to the courthouse, I'm assuming just go get the license (I don't have a clue what the procedure is anymore for that since I'm sure it has changed from the time I got married).

I got married about a year and half after I got engaged, so the planning started pretty much right away with the first thing being to pick the actual date.

 

[westjones]

But some girls like to pick out their own ring don't they? I don't know...it is all so confusing. Last year all I was worried about was prom dresses.

And 2014 is still far off and a lot can happen by then (maybe they will change their mind).

Don't get me wrong. I like the boy and I think he is a good match for my DD. I just think they both have a lot of maturing to do and a lot of college to finish.

BUT I know my DD thinks getting engaged at WDW would be the best thing ever and since they will be there in March 2014.....I have a feeling she will be hoping for a proposal.

 

[westjones]

As to the seriousness of it...even with a ring...you could be engaged for years and still break it up, just as if you weren't engaged.

So I'm thinking the real question is how soon do you think they will actually get married after the engagement? I know you said they have plans to wait, etc.. so in that case..I would think someone is serious about getting married when they start either starting to schedule location, caterer, flowers, etc... if they plan on a wedding event or taking the route to go to the courthouse, I'm assuming just go get the license (I don't have a clue what the procedure is anymore for that since I'm sure it has changed from the time I got married).

Well as for a wedding, they are not talking anytime soon at all. They know they are too poor AND they have to finish college, well my DD does. She has to stay a 'dependent' to get my DH's tuition deferment (he works at the university so we only pay about 10% of the tuition plus all of the fees and books, but it is a big discount that she can not give up; so she has to stay single until she graduates).

Right now the 'thoughts' are all on having a magical engagement and we are skipping our vacation this year and saving up for a big trip in 2014 that he is going on with us. And since they are too poor to be able to afford to go on a trip to Disney themselves, it has to be then or the next time we take them which wouldn't be until 2016 at the earliest and probably later.

So I am trying to tell myself that an 'engagement' isn't a much bigger deal than them dating like they are now. They already talk about when they get married so I am used to that. But for some reason it just seems like my baby is too young for an 'official' engagement!

Maybe in March 2014 I will feel more ready.

 

[Snowysmom]

It seems to be mid 20's in my area. My older DS got engaged at 25 and married 2 months ago at 26. DDIL is the same age. They waited to get engaged until they both finished grad school. DS is a doctor in his residency and DDIL is a physical therapist. Younger DS is in a serious relationship and I expect an engagement within the year. He is 23, graduated from college, and has a good job. His GF is a college grad and also has a good job. Their friends seem to be getting engaged and married around the same age.

 

[Piglets Mommy]

Well as for a wedding, they are not talking anytime soon at all. They know they are too poor AND they have to finish college, well my DD does. She has to stay a 'dependent' to get my DH's tuition deferment (he works at the university so we only pay about 10% of the tuition plus all of the fees and books, but it is a big discount that she can not give up; so she has to stay single until she graduates).

Right now the 'thoughts' are all on having a magical engagement and we are skipping our vacation this year and saving up for a big trip in 2014 that he is going on with us. And since they are too poor to be able to afford to go on a trip to Disney themselves, it has to be then or the next time we take them which wouldn't be until 2016 at the earliest and probably later.

So I am trying to tell myself that an 'engagement' isn't a much bigger deal than them dating like they are now. They already talk about when they get married so I am used to that. But for some reason it just seems like my baby is too young for an 'official' engagement!

Maybe in March 2014 I will feel more ready.

March 2014 is still a ways away. They will have both matured more by then, or may have gone their separeate ways, who knows? I wouldn't worry about it. As for the ring, that is really up to them. To me, it is nice to have a symbol of the engagement, but it wouldn't have to be expensive or even real. As a matter of fact, my DH bought me a beautiful sterling silver and CZ hidden Mickey anniversary band for our 15th anniversary. It means more to me than if it were real diamonds, because he knows that my second love is Mickey!

 

[aprilgail2]

Having a dd16, I threw up a little when I read that. My kids know I don't want to hear about anyone getting married until at least 25. I got engaged at 26 (after dating for 6 years - and I was definitely one of the first out of my friends), and married at 27.

Its not just the engaged at 17 part that gets me its the MANS age that was dating the CHILD-

 

[westjones]

March 2014 is still a ways away. They will have both matured more by then, or may have gone their separeate ways, who knows? I wouldn't worry about it. As for the ring, that is really up to them. To me, it is nice to have a symbol of the engagement, but it wouldn't have to be expensive or even real. As a matter of fact, my DH bought me a beautiful sterling silver and CZ hidden Mickey anniversary band for our 15th anniversary. It means more to me than if it were real diamonds, because he knows that my second love is Mickey!

This is true. It is a long ways a way and a lot can happen.

And your ring sounds wonderful! Who wouldn't want a hidden Mickey anniversary band! That would be awesome

Oh and did he buy it for you at the parks? Where do they sell nice rings like that?

 

[onelilspark]

With my friends, I had a good group engaged right out of college, so about 21/22 and it's been pretty steady ever since. I was 25, I'm now 27. I have usually 1 or 2 weddings per year that I attend, plus other more casual friends getting married. I also have friends in serious relationships as well as friends who are single and quite happy about it.

So I'm not sure there's a common age.