Advice Please (long)

[Pixie Tales]

Op,
1) Have her contact a womens abuse shelter. They are a great resource, many of them already have attorney contacts that will help her and definitely not divulge to her mil.

2) I agree with the pp. tell her to get out of that house immediately. He is physically abusing her, what the heck is getting put out of her bed? MOST abuse starts with verbal abuse and then progresses

3) try to get her to seek a little counseling (again shelter is a great place for contacts). Prince charming wants her to feel it's her fault, thats one of the abusers tools. they tell the wife "your ruining Christmas", "your destroying the kids life" it's your fault this is happening. Once he rips her self esteem to shreads it only gets worse. She needs out.

The House belonged to HER Grandmother, He had nothing to do with the house, until, they refinanced to do remodeling and he insisted on adding his name to it after they were married.

Will she have to lose her Grandmothers house?

 

[Pixie Tales]

I know this is underhanded but here is what the wife of a guy my DH worked with did. Over the course of about a year, whenever she went out shopping she would buy herself, her kids and the house expensive items with cash and show her husband the receipts, which he did not keep. Then she would turn around and return the items and hide the cash. Eventually she had hidden enough to put down as a deposit on a home for herself and her kids when she left him. He felt wronged but the entire company, as far as I could tell, was cheering her on.

wow, how did she get away with that? Didn't the husband notice these expensive items were missing?

 

[brockash]

1-800-799-SAFE (7233)

is the national domestic violence hot line- and this include verbal abuse. Is she afraid of him physically doing something to her, or him trying to get custody of the children ect, or both? Does she have family elsewhere that she can stay with her kiddo? If she's willing to leave, the best thing I can say is to make a plan. I agree with the PP that talked about setting accts. up for her and storage ect. in a different name ect.

 

[Pixie Tales]

I'm going to disagree with some posters about going to a shelter or moving out. She obviously wants to keep the house, and there's no physical violence, so IMO she should stay put. Her presence in the house makes it less likely to be awarded solely to him.

Yes, she does want to stay for now. It is her Grandmother's house and her sister *19* lives there with them too.

 

[brockash]

She does not want to stay with me, since we live about 5 houses away from one another.

She does work Full Time and makes decent money, but all her finances are intertwined with his so even if she took money out of an account he would find out so that is not an option.

Does she do the grocery shopping? If she uses a debit card, she can get cash back $20 here $20 there, it's not much, but it's a start- she could do this with gas too, although it's all going to depend on how much he tracks what she does.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Yes, she does want to stay for now. It is her Grandmother's house and her sister *19* lives there with them too.

If she wants to stay there is nothing to do.

 

[Master Mason]

I understand that, that remark, offends you, but PLEASE take it elsewhere. This is a thread for me to ask some advice for a friend in a potential dangerous situation. I would hope you would respect that and either PM the poster of the remark or just take it elsewhere. Thank You

Sorry, but when someone writes offensive thing about a group you belong to, you tend to respond. But I will let it drop now as I made my point.

The House belonged to HER Grandmother, He had nothing to do with the house, until, they refinanced to do remodeling and he insisted on adding his name to it after they were married.

Will she have to lose her Grandmothers house?

Yes it is entirely possible, I had a buddy that lost his parents house to his ex wife because he did exactly what you mention above, even though we told him not to.

As to what she should do, if she is afraid, she should leave first, find a good a lawyer second and file papers including having him removed from the house. My ex wife just had to have her soon to be next ex removed from her house as well. She did exactly what I am suggesting and he was removed by court order in about 2 weeks.

 

[Pixie Tales]

1-800-799-SAFE (7233)

is the national domestic violence hot line- and this include verbal abuse. Is she afraid of him physically doing something to her, or him trying to get custody of the children ect, or both? Does she have family elsewhere that she can stay with her kiddo? If she's willing to leave, the best thing I can say is to make a plan. I agree with the PP that talked about setting accts. up for her and storage ect. in a different name ect.

Yes, she is afraid of him that he will harm her or take away their daughter. He has threatened her already that she would never see her daughter again if she were to divorce him.

No, she has no family. Her father passed away and her Mom and her don't ever talk, she is an alcoholic, that is why my friend and her Grandmother had custody of her sister, since her sister was 9.

She is trying to make a plan. Money, Housing, Restraining Order, etc Prior to going ahead with a divorce.

 

[marlasmom]

I agree - get a lawyer fast. GTet recommendations from bar association if not from friends. Once you have spoken with a lawyer he or she cannot divuolge any info. Make sure the lawyer is experienced in family law. Ask for a barracuda.

 

[brockash]

If she wants to stay there is nothing to do.

No, she can still file for divorce, and try to get the house out of it, but yes there's no guarantee -the breaks of marriage.

 

[Pixie Tales]

Does she do the grocery shopping? If she uses a debit card, she can get cash back $20 here $20 there, it's not much, but it's a start- she could do this with gas too, although it's all going to depend on how much he tracks what she does.

Yes, she does the shopping, however thay have a joint bank account, wouldn't he find out there was an extra amount of money taken?

 

[brockash]

Yes, she is afraid of him that he will harm her or take away their daughter. He has threatened her already that she would never see her daughter again if she were to divorce him.

No, she has no family. Her father passed away and her Mom and her don't ever talk, she is an alcoholic, that is why my friend and her Grandmother had custody of her sister, since her sister was 9.

She is trying to make a plan. Money, Housing, Restraining Order, etc Prior to going ahead with a divorce.

I think making a plan is going to be her best bet, and since she doesn't have any family, she will probably go in debt over this, but obviously it's debt well spent and definetly worth it. If she's physically afraid of him, then I hope she does get the restraining order, just make sure she understands that depending on the kind of person he is, it could do nothing to deter him- on the upside, since she has it when he does violate it, it'll help get him or keep in jail longer, so I'd definetely get one, just make sure she knows not to let her guard down. -I'd also get some pepper spray or something that she can keep on her key chain. I'm not sure what the laws are in the state that you're in, or if this is even true, but once a friend of mine was getting divorced, and she was telling me how she had to go file for the divorce first, and had to file a motion about her getting custody of the kids until the custody hearing ect. was held, and it was all worked out. I've always kept that in the back of my head, and I'd tell your friend to make sure she asks her lawyer about that, and it's important that she's the first one to file if that's the case. I feel sooo much for your friend, and having you is probably all she has right now.

 

[Pixie Tales]

Sorry, but when someone writes offensive thing about a group you belong to, you tend to respond. But I will let it drop now as I made my point.


Yes it is entirely possible, I had a buddy that lost his parents house to his ex wife because he did exactly what you mention above, even though we told him not to.

As to what she should do, if she is afraid, she should leave first, find a good a lawyer second and file papers including having him removed from the house. My ex wife just had to have her soon to be next ex removed from her house as well. She did exactly what I am suggesting and he was removed by court order in about 2 weeks.

Thank you for letting it drop

She is working on finding a Lawyer whom won't disclose any information that the MIL can find out. Even a secretary or an office helper can say a name or town that sparks a clue that it is her and she is nervous of that but she does know she needs a lawyer

 

[brockash]

Yes, she does the shopping, however thay have a joint bank account, wouldn't he find out there was an extra amount of money taken?

Well if it's only 20 here and there, maybe she could just get gas a little more often (and really get like 5 bucks in gas and 20 as cash back- although she'll have to go in and use her debit card) Is there an exact amount that they spend each week at the store? I'm guessing she could buy what she needed, maybe no extras and get 20 back in cash- like I said depending on if he tracks what she does/spends there's a good chance he wouldn't notice. -Maybe she could give you the money to hang on for her... just some thoughts.

 

[brockash]

Thank you for letting it drop

She is working on finding a Lawyer whom won't disclose any information that the MIL can find out. Even a secretary or an office helper can say a name or town that sparks a clue that it is her and she is nervous of that but she does know she needs a lawyer

That's very true. I'd make sure she stresses to the lawyer how important it is that everything stay confidential, and make sure he tells his staff that as well.

 

[Pixie Tales]

Well if it's only 20 here and there, maybe she could just get gas a little more often (and really get like 5 bucks in gas and 20 as cash back- although she'll have to go in and use her debit card) Is there an exact amount that they spend each week at the store? I'm guessing she could buy what she needed, maybe no extras and get 20 back in cash- like I said depending on if he tracks what she does/spends there's a good chance he wouldn't notice. -Maybe she could give you the money to hang on for her... just some thoughts.

Thank You,
I don't know all their financial details but I'm sure there has to be some way for her to get a little money here and there safely

 

[RadioNate]

Yes, she does the shopping, however thay have a joint bank account, wouldn't he find out there was an extra amount of money taken?

is he checking receipts? Just debit the groceries or what ever at a place that offers cash back and get small amounts with every purchase. $10 at Target, $20 at the grocery store, $10 at the pharmacy. It'll add up soon enough.

I can't imagine unless he is asking for reciepts that he'd notice. The bank statement would just list total amounts.

I'd start very slowly at first. The holidays are a good time to start since there is a lot of not normal spending happening.

I wouldn't worry about the MIL. Legal professionals are bound by professional guidelines and cant just chat eachother up about their cases.

 

[Pixie Tales]

I do not think he checks receipts.
I've never done a cash back with a credit card so I was not sure if it showed up on a bank statement or Credit Card as grocery and cash back or whatever

 

[Pixie Tales]

Thank You Everyone for all of your help

I do need to get to the grocery store and I will make some phone calls and then check up on her before he gets home from work

Thanks Again

 

[rie'smom]

The House belonged to HER Grandmother, He had nothing to do with the house, until, they refinanced to do remodeling and he insisted on adding his name to it after they were married.

Will she have to lose her Grandmothers house?

Yes, she does want to stay for now. It is her Grandmother's house and her sister *19* lives there with them too.

Is he just on the hook for the refinancing or is he now an owner. Maybe he just signed as a co borrower.

Many women go through a sort of paralysis when faced with this type of situation and that plays into the hands of the spouse because they are usually planning. It's good that you're trying to find information for her.