Advice please.....falling apart

[Dreamer04]

I know how you feel. You're walking around with the feeling that someone had just punched you in the stomach-all the time. It is hard to concentrate. You'll do anything to keep Jack. If he stays, the pain will stop. You think that you can fix this, if you can just get the chance.


But the reality is that none of that is going to happen. If Jack does stay, everything will get worse-quickly. Let him go. Get a job, apartment, focus on things you can control. It will take time-but not as much as you think.

By treating you like this, he has taken control of your life. As if his presence determines your happiness.

You, taking control of everything you can, will determine your happiness.

I am praying for you.

Ursula

 

[calie_j]

Holly, you need to know that eventho right now you feel like you are going crazy and your world has ended that everything you are feeling is normal. I know how hard things are right now and I promise you they will get better. Take it one day at a time and one step at a time and you will get thru this.

You have gotten great advice here and I hope you will find a lawyer ASAP, you need to find out your rights and protect yourself. You also need to take care of yourself and one of the most effective steps to do that is to find a support group specifically for betrayed spouses (along with counseling if it's available to you).

 

[SillyMe]

Think about your daughter. Think about what she is being exposed to by having "Daddy's girlfriend" call the house. My dd is 6 years old and I just went thru a separation in December. You need to put your daughter before you, him or anyone else. She should not be exposed to "Daddy's affair" in any way, shape or form.

You need to start looking for a job and like others have suggested, cancel all credit cards that are in both names. If the credit cards are in your name, get him off as an authorized user...immediately. Trust me on this. I'm still dealing with this crap b/c my ex used it even after we decided to separate and now he's trying to stick me with the bill. Is the house in both names or just his?

You need to be tough. Don't let your daughter see him walk all over you, which is what he is doing. If you stay with him and let him do whatever he wants, that is going to hurt her more than a separation. She will see your pain every single day.

 

[nliedel]

Jack did not care about you enough to tell you himself. You are not going to see this for a long time and right now not at all but honestly she gave you a gift. It sounds like they are already more than friends and I am sick in the pit of my stomach typing those words. Just get your life together one moment at a time. Just a moment from this word to the next word. You will make it. I know that now you feel devastated but concentrating on what will come next will help you.

If he has been supporting you for all this time he should continue to do so while you get your feet under you and he should provide child support. Holly I have been in your shoes (Not with a child) and I know how this hurts. Hugs.

 

[nliedel]

This is not a man who is interested in working things out. I am so sorry.

.

Holly honey don't read this please.

No kidding. That scumball is so weak he has the GF breaking up for him? This guy does not deserve this loving woman!! HARUMPH!

 

[KelNottAt]

Please don't leave. KICK HIM OUT.

I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through. I agree with everyone else who says you need to think of your DD's emotional health first.

I believe there is a grand plan for everyone and in the end we all become stronger through what our plan deals us. You are strong enough to recover from him and his deceit.

Going to church is a good positive first step. Worship and prayer always make me feel better. The key will be to continue making other subsequent steps, no matter how small, to complete a change in your lives. What that change will be, no one knows now. But it will become clearer as you take action and keep your life in motion. Sitting and hoping for more of the same is not the answer.

 

[GJM]

Holly - I am going thru this right now - DH has been seeing someone, leaves the house. Last week he told me it was over that he ended it and he still loves me. I didn't beleive him because I have heard it before. He said I could have his phone and so many promises. Guess what this past weekend was a bunch of lies and he was with her.

It hurts so bad on some days, like the last couple of days. But I have days where I feel strong. I just want to feel good again. I know exactly how you feel. Everyone has given great advice. If my DH isn't gone soon, his stuff will be. I just can't be on this rollercoaster anymore, I feel just so tired all the time from it.

Wishing you the best of luck -

Feel free to PM me if you need to talk

 

[Honu]

Oh Holly, I'm so sorry.

There are a couple different kinds of infidelity, and while all of them suck, what Jack is involved in is (by far) the worst. The Jack you love is gone. He is emotionally invested in this other woman. They discuss the intimate details of your relationship and life. In a sense, you have become the other woman. You are a problem for them and they are bonded in their goal to leave you behind.

I know you want your life back and you want your Jack back, but that isn't going to happen. He isn't that person anymore.

It's time for you to call a lawyer and throw Jack out. Take care of yourself and your daughter. It will take some time, but things will get better.

 

[mickeyfan2]

Get counseling for you and your DD. If you DH wants to make this marriage work he will join you too. Good luck.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I can't get past the part where Jack allows someone else to tell you what the situation is.

Me either.

 

[marjie8230]

Pray for him. He has been taken captive of an ideal that is not from God. Satan totally wins when love dies.

It is encouraging that he is willing to go to church with you this weekend, though. If he is unwilling to go to counseling, he may be willing to discuss this with the pastor in private, maybe even without you. You may also want to ask him frankly if he is walking the fence to "spare you" or because he truly doesn't know what he wants. Also, if he doesn't know what he wants, he is foolish to throw away something until he is sure he won't want it back. Even if he came back now, there is already damage done.

I will pray for you as well and I encourage anyone who reads this to do the same. If you pray just for one minute when you read this imaging the level of protection this woman will have over her. Since we do not know Gods will, we can only pray for it to be carried out and for the people involved to be strong enough to handle it with HIM.

 

[JennaTX]

You need to think about your daughter. If you stay, what are you teaching her. Do you want her to grow up and marry or be committed to someone like Jack?

My DD is also 6 and if I truly think about her being married to someone like this, it makes me sick to my stomach.

This is a situation where as a parent, you have to put your child first and your personal feelings last. You need to do what is right for her, whatever that is, even if that is not what you, personally, want to do.

My prayers will be with you, I know that any decision is hard to make in this situation. Your life has been turned upside down. I am so sorry this has happened!

 

[Belle0101]

First and foremost

I sense from your post, and I could be wrong, that you need to be lifted up, supported and encouraged. Let me say that you are a beautiful person and worthy of being surrounded by persons that love and respect you.

I will also tell you that allowing to Jack to do as he pleases just so that he will stay with you will have repercussions that you cannot even fathom at this point in time, it will not be worth it ... ever. And I'm not trying to be harsh but rather I'm trying to be real.

From your post: "I even understand that things haven't been fun at home and maybe that is my fault."

Holly, it is not your fault. People can and do grow apart but there are two people in your relationship and you cannot take the full blame. Relationships should be 50 - 50 and Jack needed to keep that in mind.

You cannot control Jack but you can do things for yourself and your DD. Ask Jack to accompany you to church and therapy but don't beg or make deals. If he refuses to go then you go anyhow. Life is going to change for you, it may not be the change you want but accept that it is about to change. Get your finances in order. Don't take calls from this girl anymore. A simple "I'm not having this conversation with you" and a "goodbye" is more than polite.

Post here, PM me ... but let me / us know how you are doing.

My previous situation is not important except to the point that I can say "Been there done that and made it through" and you will too.

 

[Freyja]

Hugs to you! I hate to admit that it sounds as if you were better off without him. Good luck with anything that happens in the future.

 

[Martha7]

Holly, it sounds like some of your reasoning, (thinking you'd let this guy do anything as long as he stayed with you), may be coming from the fear of the unknown: going out to work, putting your DD in daycare, etc. Just remember that millions of other women are doing it successfully, and that once you get comfortable in a new job, you'll be so proud of yourself that you'll be a wonderful role model for your daughter! Think of all the ways this man is hurting you both, and then imagine being able to make your own decisions, without waiting around to see if he's coming home or not! You'll also have the support of the new friends that you make when you return to work! You can do this. I just think you're not thinking rationally, because the fear is taking over.

 

[grlpwrd]

Besides what others have suggested, please, please get yourself tested. You never know these days and he could be exposing you to STDs.

If it were me I would kick him to the curb and get counseling for yourself, too.

Love is not supposed to hurt....

 

[nliedel]

I was married to a man for four years that thought less of a marriage vow than I did. My own family caught him cheating and asked me what *I* had done? Only loved and honored and upheld the vows so precious to me.

We broke up. I looked into my heart and re-married but this time dated and fell in love with someone different than I had loved before (counseling). I don't know what he's up to but I'll just bet it's the same old tricks.

A man is not going to be faithful because he loves you. He is faithful because he loves himself more than temptation. Faithfulness is not about love, he can love you and still be a rat. It's about looking a willing woman in the eye and caring about his heart and soul more than he cares about living in the moment. Women do not drive men to affairs and for that matter men do not drive women either.

If he cares about you and about himself he will distance himself 100% from this friend until the two of you decide what you are going to do. If it's "real love" with her then she will be there if the two of you don't work out. If he won't do it then he has given you his answer and he is doing things to make you feel better out of guilt. You are too good a person to want someone to be with you out of guilt. Without a core of love and respect there is nothing there for you.

Church is a wonderful salve to the wound of a broken heart. Faith in God is a powerful curative and will restore and heal you. Going to church humble and broken to be held up is one of the greatest gifts we, as humans, have been granted. But please do not think because he is going that he will feel guilt and find the way. Go for you, for your child for your heart. Take him with you if you wish but know that he will only feel more guilty. Guilt is not a good emotion for working probems out with.

Oh and why you are leaving is beyond me. He can live at her house.

 

[Kristi1357]

Holly, first off lots of

I have been there, done that. I didn't have any children though. Even thought logically I knew I did nothing to make my ex cheat on me, I still felt at fault.

Please listen to the previous advice of getting an attorney NOW. Protect yourself and your daughter ASAP! I know in NH I could not kick out my ex since he owned the house also. If I changed the locks he had every right to break in. That is, until something is set up through the courts. If you can, gather all your evidence of the affair. This should help you in court. My ex became violent so I was able to get a restraining order to keep him out - but this doesn't sound like it pertains to your case.

My ex did alot of the things you describe - like saying over & over that he didn't know what he wanted. He would leave for long periods of time, then come back, crying saying he didn't know why he was doing what he was doing. All the while swearing that he was not, and would never ever, cheat. His "friend" even screamed at me on the phone once when I was trying to call him at work (they worked together and she picked up instead, on purpose) - she was going on about how could I think he was cheating with her, why would she want a married man, etc. This reminds me of how he put her on the phone with you. All this lasted only about 4 months but it felt like an eternity.

He is not a good father. A "good father" would not treat his SO & daughter this way! Please get counseling. That helped me build up my self-esteem. Having an impartial party give you input on the situation would be such an eye-opener.

Also know this gets better. My divorce was the absolute worst time of my life. And yes, years later I can say he did me a favor! I have a wonderful DH and DS. Meanwhile, he was coerced into marrying the (no clean word I can write here!) person who he was cheating on me with - when their DS was about 3. She threatened to take off with the kid if he didn't marry her (from what I've been told by his a family member of his). And I've heard through the grapevine that she's tried to leave him at least once already. So, what goes around, comes around.

Please PM me if you need to talk or vent. I know how much it helped me to talk to people who had been through it.

Kristi

 

[minkydog]

know it sounds awful, believe me it feels even worse. I just still can't believe this is happening. I just don't know how to fix it. Jack is a good man and a good father, I just don't know where this is coming from.

Holly

I'm sorry, but a "good man" doesn't cheat on his live-in GF and a "good father" certainly doesn't make his 6yo privy to the details. Jack is a spineless boy who lets his new girlfriend do his decision-making. It's painful, but true--he has destroyed your relationship and I don't think you will ever be able to trust him again. Get an attorney and find out what your rights are.

 

[CheshireVal]

Me either. That's just spineless.

Spinless and *cruel.* I wouldn't be able to get over the humiliation of having DH hand me the phone and have his girlfriend tell me that he wanted to get out.

Someone who would do something like that might be worth saving after counseling, but I could not trust him at this point.