Advice please.....falling apart

[lclark0621]

ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?!?!?!

Look, I am sorry this is happening to you. But you are ALLOWING it to happen!

This "man" has his girlfriend basically tell YOU to get out of the picture so they can be happy, then he is gone "all the time", and YOU tell him he can "do anything" as long as he stays?!?!

Are you freaking kidding me?!?!?!??!?!??!?!??!

If a man ever did that to me, his crap would have been at the curb (and not packed nicely), and the locks changed the SECOND he left the house.

He tells you he is "thinking about it"?!?! I would give him his choice simply in "Pack your own stuff or it is all going in the trash!".

NO ONE deserves to be treated like garbage & that is EXACTLY what he is doing to you!

Kick is butt OUT!

What kind of an example are you showing your DD? It is ok for women to be cheated on & treated like crap? What kind of relationships do you think this is setting HER up for? Do you want her to allow a man to "do whatever he wants" just so he stays with her? Because YOU are telling her that is how a woman SHOULD be treated!

Grow a backbone, remind yourself that YOU are important, and kick him to the street NOW!

Staying together for the kids is the worst idea any "couple" ever came up with.

Show him the slime he is! And get a lawyer to get EVERY PENNY you deserve in child support & anything else you are entitled to!

 

[Living with the Land]

I thought I would post back since it's been a while. Jack is still here and we are trying to figure out how to make this work. He is very unhappy as am I because I don't know what to do to fix this. I know that everyone thinks I am crazy for staying but I am hopelessly in love with this man. It's easy to separate when you are unhappy but it sucks when you are so in love with the other person that you feel like you can't go on without them. I am reading a lot of books and i am learning so much about myself and hopefully how to work this out. No matter what I want to be here. I hope that you all are still praying for us and keeping my family in your thoughts.

Holly

 

[Microcell]

Well, I wish you luck.

As a mother, I can only say that if you were my daughter, I would tell you that you are worth so much more than this. I don't think you know that.

You are worth so much more than this.

It just seems to those of us that have loved and lost, that you seem immersed in not liking yourself very much right now.

 

[Honu]

You are worth so much more than this.

and so is your daughter. Take care.

 

[chell]

Holly are you really in love with him or the idea of certain aspects of being with him? That can make a world of difference in how you handle things.



I know it is easier for someone outside of the picture to say but he seems lacking something. Don't stay with him just because you think you are so much in love with him that the love will make everything okay. Without the proper changes required from both sides you won't get very far.

I'm really not trying to sound rude or down, I just want to be honest with you. I don't want you to set yourself up for another major fall. Make sure above all else you take care of yourself. We all know you are doing all you can to take care of your daughter but don't let yourself slip through the cracks.

 

[poohandwendy]

I am praying for your family.

And I am going to give you advice I rarely give because I truly believe in working hard to keep a family together.

But, there is a line...a line that gets crossed where the mother may be setting a very bad example by staying. An example of being a doormat and putting up with a situation that is not healthy and unproductive. I situation where there is no love and emotional estrangement. And trust me, your DD is feeling it and will continue to.

The earliest and very powerful examples of adult relationships come from your parents and how they treated each other. As a daughter of a woman who would stay 'at all costs', I cannot tell you how confusing it is to witness this and how much as an adult you have to break that mold and not expect that being treated that way is 'normal'...my sister, in particular, will struggle with this her whole life long, I suspect.

Please do not stay merely because you need him so much that you will put up with anything just to have him physically there. Being physically there is not enough for you or your DD, if he is not emotionally there too.

Like I said, I will be praying for you and your situation.

 

[tiggersmom2]

I too will pray for you but I know a point will be eventually reached. One day you will be sick of loving a person that doesn't love you back...OR ....he will leave you because he DOESN'T love you and he finds someone he truly loves.

 

[poohandwendy]

I too will pray for you but I know a point will be eventually reached. One day you will be sick of loving a person that doesn't love you back...OR ....he will leave you because he DOESN'T love you and he finds someone he truly loves.

True that... it hurts letting go, but sometimes it is the most healthy thing you can do. You cannot hold someone emotionally hostage if they really do not want to be with you.

 

[kimkarli]

Holly,

My heart goes out to you. I have bee n in your shoes being "in love" with someone who didn't deserve it. I know that I felt the more people said it wouldn't work, the harder I tried to prove them wrong. Someone who truly loved you would never put you through this. Fear of the unknown is terrifying, I know!!! I am not going to try to tell you waht to do, people never listen in matters of the heart anyway. BUT, I will tell you that IF this relationship does not work, you can and will find happiness again. Right now, it seems you are lost in the situation. I am wishing you all the best!!!!!!!

*I also have a DD6, and she also means the world to me!!!

 

[azgal81]

I think you need to move on. You can't make somone happy if they aren't happy and you can't make someone love you that doesn't anymore. More importantly you shouldn't be in a relationship where the other person doesn't want to even try to make it work.

Get a job you need to support your daughter. That should be your most important priority right now.

Your daughter will be fine alot of kids grew up without both parents around and they turned out okay. I think if you do a good job parenting she will be fine if you don't then she will be screwed up and have issues later on in life.

He has cheated on you and had his girlfriend tell you it's over he obviously doesn't love you anymore.

 

[Rafiki Rafiki Rafiki]

Wow,

I don't think I would want my husband to stay if it was just for the sake of our kids.

You've gotten a ton of advice, but what I've found personally is a piece of advice I haven't seen a whole lot of other posters tell you. I think you need to fight tooth and nail to get your self-esteem back.

If you want to start out doing it in an attempt to make him love you, fine. Get up every day, put your best face on, do your hair, and dress as wonderfully as you can. Meet everyone with a smile. If you're feeling depressed, don't admit to it. In short, PRETEND you're REALLY HAPPY.

If you're not working, start. Save all the money you can. If it's an education you want, go for it. Put your best foot forward...every day. It's what I had to do for my own esteem...and when I started believing in myself, my esteem got better.

Somewhere along the line, he may decide he wants you again. That may also be the same day you're able to stand on your own and say that no matter how much you love him that you can't hang your hopes and dreams on his devotion or lack thereof.

One way or another, I think you're going to be okay. Besides, you always have your DIS family!

 

[diswedwish]

Holly,

My thoughts and prayers are with you This past November I left my husband - circumstances were different, but he was cheating. I think that leaving was the most empowering thing I ever did for myself. At first I thought that it was just something else that we would/should work through together. Then I realized how many times I'd accepted responsbility for helping him work through problems (both with us and on his own) and that at some point enough is enough. I needed to be healthy and in order to do that I needed to get out of a bad situation. Yes, I loved him, but to me actions spoke louder than words - no matter how much he said he loved me, his actions didn't follow suit, and I deserved better.

My situation is probably easier than most women who leave. I had a place to go immediately, no children, no house, so bear that in mind. I would have left him regardless, no matter what, but I know it could be much more difficult than what I've experienced... I thought I would feel awful, and I do sometimes. But mostly I'm much happier overall. I'm not trying to stop an avalanche that I didn't create. I'm taking responsibility for my own happiness, and that is very liberating. Someday I'd like my prince to come (which by the way won't happen if you're already with a toad), but if that doesn't happen I'm happy on my own.

There are definitely nights that I lie awake and worry that maybe *I* somehow caused events to unfold the way they did. Trust me, I was not perfect in our marriage, I made many mistakes, learned as we went along, tried to make things work as best as I could. But in the end it comes down to personal responsibility... There are many options other than cheating - that is purely and simply his responsibility, whatever he tells you it is *not* your fault!

No matter what happens with you and your family, please remember that you are worth the best life has to offer and I pray that everything will work out for the best for you.

 

[TammyAlphabet]

Everytime a guy has an affair, he starts to say he is confused. Confused??? I don't know why but I have seen it in several marriages of my friends. He is confused because Mr. Johnson says one thing and his conscience says something else. Move on with your life, you will be surprised what is in store for you down the road!

 

[CrazedDisFan]

I know you said your aren't married for personal reasons, but if those reasons are Jack's, you may want to ask yourself if he is being honest about his reasons for not marrying. He obviously is incapable of controlling his actions and making good choices for his family.

I know you want your relationship to work, but at some point you will come to the realization that living in a world where you fear being alone everyday is FAR worse than the reality of being alone.

I hope you and your daughter find peace and love through counseling. You have her and she has you. She should not be subjected to living with a man part time who doesn't respect her mother enough to stay home at night. You really need to ask yourself if this was your dd's life would you want her to stay?

 

[Patty3]

You and your family will continue to be in my prayers.

 

[Floydian]

Well, I sure wish I was in a better frame of mind to offer sound advice and comforting words. However, what I can offer may be even better.

Marital Problems Help

When I was going through the turmoil of my ex-wifes multiple affairs, the seperation, and the beginnings of the divorce proceedings, I found this site and the message boards to be amazing. Here you will find some good ideas, great advice, and supportive people who have been through similar problems, are professional counselors, or both.

Don't get me wrong, I love the folks here, and truly believe that they have your best interests at heart. I just feel that you might benefit from another resource that is, sadly, focused specifically on the troubles you've described.

P.S. Though I doubt anyone would know me or remember me, you can tell them "Uncomfortably Numb" sent ya.

 

[Serena]

Well, I sure wish I was in a better frame of mind to offer sound advice and comforting words. However, what I can offer may be even better.

Marital Problems Help

When I was going through the turmoil of my ex-wifes multiple affairs, the seperation, and the beginnings of the divorce proceedings, I found this site and the message boards to be amazing. Here you will find some good ideas, great advice, and supportive people who have been through similar problems, are professional counselors, or both.

Don't get me wrong, I love the folks here, and truly believe that they have your best interests at heart. I just feel that you might benefit from another resource that is, sadly, focused specifically on the troubles you've described.

P.S. Though I doubt anyone would know me or remember me, you can tell them "Uncomfortably Numb" sent ya.

Hey Floydian, I remember you. You've gone through an awful lot yourself. take care.


Holly, the person you love has left already, his body just hasn't caught up. He's willing to let you blame yourself, he's willing to let this hurt you and your daughter, just to keep from arguing.
I know you're trying to make this work, and I know the motivation. You don't feel as good about yourself as you should. I see that was my problem as well. When I got stronger, when I got away from his influence, I did feel better about myself. with help.
It's the first step that's the killer. Once you do that, once you decide how much of this you are willing to take and let your daughter see, then it will be easier.
Your boyfriend has a lot of qualities you like and love, but he's immature and not ready for the family he created. The fact that he would allow his girlfriend to break the news to you is a major red flag to me. He allowed her to do his dirty work because he truly isn't man enough. NOr is he man enough to leave. She's probably not ready for him to move in yet and they need some more time to kill.
I'm sorry, but my ex brother in law did this a lot. His wife would allow it and he continued from one girlfriend to another, each time telling his wife he still loved her. Eventually he found someone he actually and trully loved and he's married to her now.

You need to get yourself together. Find a councelor to help.

I'm hoping for the best for you.

 

[poohandwendy]

Well, I sure wish I was in a better frame of mind to offer sound advice and comforting words. However, what I can offer may be even better.

Marital Problems Help

When I was going through the turmoil of my ex-wifes multiple affairs, the seperation, and the beginnings of the divorce proceedings, I found this site and the message boards to be amazing. Here you will find some good ideas, great advice, and supportive people who have been through similar problems, are professional counselors, or both.

Don't get me wrong, I love the folks here, and truly believe that they have your best interests at heart. I just feel that you might benefit from another resource that is, sadly, focused specifically on the troubles you've described.

P.S. Though I doubt anyone would know me or remember me, you can tell them "Uncomfortably Numb" sent ya.

Very good advice and {HUGS} for what you have been through, I am sure it was very, very difficult for you.

 

[Nancyg56]

I know that it is easy to give advice when we are on the outside looking in, and I know that it takes time to sort out what is best for you and for your daughter. I believe that the responses you got here are from people who care that you have been hurt and betrayed, and are angry for you. I know that they were also in good faith because you were looking for answers, and people shared fromtheir experience. Please look for some sort of counciling or support so that you can make the best decision. I will keep you and you family in my prayers. Best of luck.

 

[drakethib]

Sorry to hear you are going through this but as a man, I would expect Jack to be able to tell this to you himself rather then hand you a phone.

If you are indeed the cause of the home not being happy as you mentioned, I would get some counseling ASAP>

My2 cents