Advice on Famiy Issue Needed (Long, sorry)

[phillybeth]

If the OP put half the thought and mental power into coming up with ways to get her brother to his appointment as she put into why she won't, she probably would have also come up with the solution to world peace!

When I was a wee girl, my parents always had the same response when I would complain and say, "I can't!" They would say, "You can, but you won't." There is a big difference between inability and unwillingness. You have the ability to help your brother, but you lack the willingness.

 

[momof2inPA]

I don't expect Joe to employ my son. I wish my son wouldn't work for him, he hates working for him. He quit in the past and I am sure will do so again. His uncle wants him to work for him. And no, most of his employees are not legal.
What does my dh have to do with this? Other than not wanting a car that isn't legal in front of our home. My dh gets up at 5:30 AM for work, and if I am lucky is home by 7PM. He is not in the equation as far as my brother goes.

If I knew your brother's last name, I would report him to INS.

If your DH is not in the equation, your sister-in-law and cousin-in-law, should be left out as well. It isn't their brother in the nursing home, it's yours.

 

[Disney Doll]

Actually JoiseyMom, I think the OP expected that she was going to get all kinds of support, and she didn't. When one posts on an Internet BB, one has to expect that there will be people who do and do not agree with you.

I ahve no idea what the OP's relationship with her brothers is like. I have no problem if the OP is jealous of Joe, doesn't want to help Mike becuase of his poor lifestyle choices, doesn't want her DH to help Mike and so on.

What I tend to have a problem with when I read these kinds of posts is the "owning up" to your decisions, for the real reasons. Or, at least not coming up with a bunch of bogus reasons that fold under examination.

The OP doesn't want to help her brothers because she doesn't want to. It has nothing to do with her schedule, her kids schedules, her DH's schedules or anything else. I guarantee you that if she needed to be somewhere 45 minutes away to pick up a $1000 check, on a day her kids had school and she had to go to work, she'd find a way to make her schedule work.

So, just be honest. Say "I have no desire to help, Joe. I'm sorry but you are on your own with this situation". And then be done with it. Joe will know where he stands, he won't depend on her for anything, and she won't be bothered by her siblings. She's not obligated to help her brothers. There's no law that says she has to.

But to sit there and turn the situation around so that she is the put-upon one when she's barely done a thing for Mike is ridiculous.

 

[disneyfanz04]

I also think the OP doesn't want to upset Joe because she doesn't want her DS to lose his job

 

[phillybeth]

Wow, I just read this thread. You guys want to know why this person is anonynmous, man, just look at your replies. You guys are just heartless and cruel.

Sorry you feel that way Disanonymous.. I mean JoiseyMom I call 'em as I see 'em. And I have seen my mother struggle with siblings who were verbally supportive, but didn't lift a damn finger when it actually came to doing something when my grandmother was dying of cancer.

 

[disneyeveryyear]

I have read through this entire thread and have but one comment to make to the OP:

What will your opinion be in 40 years when your then 50 year old daughter completely washes her hands of one of your 7? year old sons when he needs her help, or God forbid you need it?

You emphatically state that "your family" is all that matters. Obviously your brother is "collateral damage" in this case.

Thus, you are teaching your children that they are the most important thing in your life, and they will then expect this the rest of their life.

Maybe you should focus on teaching charity.

You need to take the focus off of yourself in this instance.

Sorry - guess I had more than one comment.

 

[disneyfanz04]

Sorry you feel that way Disanonymous.. I mean JoiseyMom

GOOD CATCH!!!!!

 

[JoiseyMom]

Obviously you didn't look at the times very in depth as she can technically do all that was asked of her. She simply doesn't want to.

Just in case you missed it earlier. The doctor's office is 45 minutes from her house. If Mike was dropped off there by 8:45, she could have her son back to the school by 9:30 and head out to her meeting at that time. She'd surely have enough time to get to her meeting as she'd drop her son off at 9:30 and head to her meeting after without Mike in the picture. She could also drop him off at 8:30 for a 9:00 appointment to give herself a little time. This solution isn't viable however because she has no idea what time the doctor's office opens and obviously has no phone to find out.

She also stated that her MIL could take her son to school if need be, but because of her meeting, she didn't bother asking. If her MIL took the son, she could drop Mike off at 9:00 and sit with him there for a half hour till she'd have to leave for her meeting.

In either scenario, Mike would have to wait to be picked up till after the meeting, but that's just too darned bad. Beggars can't be choosers!

She could also have tried to reschedule the doctor's appointment, but again, she must not have a phone available for that either.

It's simply one excuse after another.

IMO, it's Joe who deserves to vent.

She doesn't need luck either. All she has to do is be honest with Joe and tell him she doesn't want bothered. I doubt she wants Mike to get better either as he's done this to himself and deserves whatever is tossed his way.

I guess she could, but I still don't understand the hostility in this thread, and other threads on this board. People come on and ask advice and get attacked. I just don't understand why people do that. The OP is going to have to live with her choices.

 

[JoiseyMom]

Sorry you feel that way Disanonymous.. I mean JoiseyMom I call 'em as I see 'em. And I have seen my mother struggle with siblings who were verbally supportive, but didn't lift a damn finger when it actually came to doing something when my grandmother was dying of cancer.

Hmmm???? LOL, don't try to make money being a detective, you would starve! Let's see, I have siblings, 2 brothers and a sister. None of my kids work for my brother or with my brother. I also have a large extended family, which it does't seem like the OP has.

 

[hydster]

You know the op was given some GREAT advice by people. The problem was that the advice wasn't taken to heart but instead was met with but, well, that won't work because, well no, can't do it, my family comes first. There were some GREAT ideas given to this OP in THIS thread and instead of thanking people for it the excuses came 1 after the other after the other after the other.

For example:
call the cops, tell them there is a car parked there that isn't yours.
Call the cops and have it impounded *these both had to do with what the OP said was originally the problem. There were some other "advice issued but this had to do specifically with what the OP claimed she wanted advice for*
If he can't drive sell the car and use it for his care
Get with Joe and figure out how to deal with the car
Call a taxi for the appt

Then the OP comes back with a multitude of reasons why what has been suggested won't work. The one that made me go "huh" was the taxi one. Call a taxi for him... to which the op replied

He can't go by taxi, he would need an ambulance, and since he doesn't have his NJ medicaid number yet it would cost $500.00. That is money I can't afford, and money Joe isn't willing to spend and I don't blame him.

Now unless the OP drives her own ambulance this is the point where I began to think that the excuses were just excuses. Why is her car any better than a taxi? I mean certainly she doesn't drive around in an ambulance all day long and if she does...........well................come on! Then comes the idea of calling and changing the appt to suit her better which is also met with "I can't as I'm not the person suited to make decisions" to which many replied that she didn't have to be "joe or mike" to change the appt. Hell I even told her to walk her rear over to the nursing home and have MIKE call and change his OWN appt. But sadly the excuses kept rolling in.

It would probably have suited the OP better if she would have just said "we have a family issue but my brother parked a car in front of our house and we don't want it there and we don't want to cause a big fight in our family so any ideas on what we could do to get it moved " instead of the whole diatribe about the whole family dynamic.

When one posts such personal family matters on a public forum it will no doubt attract people who will give opinions and ideas along with some that may be a tad bit judgemental. . It's a PUBLIC forum for a reason. Just because it has the name DIS in it doesn't mean that everyone on this forum is going to blow pixie dust over every poster all the time no matter what the situation is posted. People who are on the outside reading this with the information supplied in the original post are going to comment on what they have read and how they see it. Some like Joisey see it as being rude.....others like most of us don't. If you don't want to have comments made about your personal life don't post them on a public board or if you do be prepared for people to agree and people to not agree with you. It's called HUMAN NATURE! Not everyone agrees with everyone else.

 

[phillybeth]

My eldest is 22 1/2. He dropped out of college, but has worked since high school. When he started giving us problems with his chores I starte charging him rent. His car is my old (really old first car). He pays for all the upkeep on it, up until this year we paid for the insurance. The renewal is next month, he will be covering it from now on. He pays for his own clothes and expenses, and he bbq's for us all the time.

My other son is 1 year younger and just graduated. He is moving to CA in 6 weeks, sigh. I will have him doing chores while he is home though!!

You posted this on another thread. Sounds suspciously familiar. Especially the ages- who gives the ages for GROWN children in half-years? Plus the son moving to CA that just graduated college.

 

[hydster]

Ooohhhh what a tangled web...............

 

[poohandwendy]

He can't go by taxi, he would need an ambulance, and since he doesn't have his NJ medicaid number yet it would cost $500.00. That is money I can't afford, and money Joe isn't willing to spend and I don't blame him.

Now unless the OP drives her own ambulance this is the point where I began to think that the excuses were just excuses. Why is her car any better than a taxi? I mean certainly she doesn't drive around in an ambulance all day long and if she does...........well................come on! Then comes the idea of calling and changing the appt to suit her better which is also met with "I can't as I'm not the person suited to make decisions" to which many replied that she didn't have to be "joe or mike" to change the appt. Hell I even told her to walk her rear over to the nursing home and have MIKE call and change his OWN appt. But sadly the excuses kept rolling in.

I wondered about that too Hydster.


Too many excuses to make any sense.


OP, do whatever you want to do, but own it and don't expect people to just agree with you because you want them too.

 

[hydster]

I'm glad I wasn't the only one PAW! I also agree with you

Do what you want....just own up to it and say it is what it is, grow up and tell people what you really want to tell them. Don't say yeah I'll do it and then try to find some way to renig on it! Own it don't make an excuse for it!

 

[raammartin]

You posted this on another thread. Sounds suspciously familiar. Especially the ages- who gives the ages for GROWN children in half-years? Plus the son moving to CA that just graduated college.

 

[mickeyfan2]

Make that a double !!!

 

[disneynutt1225]

Holy canoli, batman! What an interesting turn this thread has taken.....

Where's that popcorn guy???!?

 

[poohandwendy]

You posted this on another thread. Sounds suspciously familiar. Especially the ages- who gives the ages for GROWN children in half-years? Plus the son moving to CA that just graduated college.

Yeah, no kidding. Unless you all believe in amazing coincidences. It doesn't take a detective to see the blatantly obvious, JM.

Joisey mom:

My eldest is 22 1/2. He dropped out of college, but has worked since high school. When he started giving us problems with his chores I starte charging him rent. His car is my old (really old first car). He pays for all the upkeep on it, up until this year we paid for the insurance. The renewal is next month, he will be covering it from now on. He pays for his own clothes and expenses, and he bbq's for us all the time.

My other son is 1 year younger and just graduated. He is moving to CA in 6 weeks, sigh. I will have him doing chores while he is home though!!

The OP:

. I the mom to 4 kids, currently 5, 10, 21 1/2 and 22 1/2.

My eldest works for his uncle, my other son has the inusrance issues. Yes he had a car accident when he got his liscence and is being sued, he has been an execellent driver since. He is not sitting on his butt for the next six weeks. He is moving across country and will be trying to find a place to live and pack, and probably work for his uncle if he needs a spare body.

one is a 1990 my first car, which I passed on to my eldest son.

I really cannot see the point in posting anonymously, then coming in and defending yourself (as if you are a totally different person) and then denying it.

 

[N.Bailey]

Make that a double !!!

Make that a triple and pass that popcorn!

 

[raammartin]

Again