Advice on Famiy Issue Needed (Long, sorry)

[ChrisnSteph]

Sorry, I didn't read through 8 pages of posts, so I'll just respond to the original question. Honestly, I think you and your dh are being a bit selfish. Your brother Joe is going above and beyond doing everything he can to help your brother Mike, without much help from you. While I certainly understand your situation, is there any reason why Mike's car can't be parked in front of your house, even for a little while? It may be an inconvenience, but so what? Hasn't your brother Joe been inconvenienced for much of the time? And surely your dd can miss one day of kindergarten so that you can take your brother to the doctor. Just because Joe is self-employed it doesn't mean he has all the free time in the world, and he still has to work to bring home a paycheck in addition to taking care of your brother. It's a shame that Mike had a hand at putting himself in this position, but it is what it is. I think you should do what you can to help Joe, even if it inconveniences you every now and then. I'm sure your brother would appreciate it.

 

[arminnie]

They are seeing a mother that puts her children before anyone else..

Just don't be surprised when your children put their children first and aren't willing to help you in your old age.

 

[froglady]

Your OP said that your brother was moved to make it easier for "all" of us, and yet your other brother is still doing all the work. I guess it's somewhat easier for him, but it appears he was under the impression that you would be helping more, which doesn't seem to be the case.

As others have mentioned, it's time to be honest with your brother. Let him know EXACTLY what you can do, if anything. Maybe say that you will check in on him every or every other Sat/Sun/ whatever, and be responsible for one aspect of his care. Perhaps make sure he gets get well cards, toiletries, etc? I know you feel that you can't do much, but believe me, having to not worry about even one small thing ever again will be most appreciated.

And do him a favor and put your schedule in writing. That way he can see which would be the best day to schedule an appointment if he somehow is unable to make it. I know the NH can provide transportation, but if the patient is unable or unwilling to participate in or understand treatment, it's a waste of everyone's time and money. Most people in his condition need someone else with them to "translate."

 

[Christine]

Your OP said that your brother was moved to make it easier for "all" of us, and yet your other brother is still doing all the work. I guess it's somewhat easier for him, but it appears he was under the impression that you would be helping more, which doesn't seem to be the case.

As others have mentioned, it's time to be honest with your brother. Let him know EXACTLY what you can do, if anything. Maybe say that you will check in on him every or every other Sat/Sun/ whatever, and be responsible for one aspect of his care. Perhaps make sure he gets get well cards, toiletries, etc? I know you feel that you can't do much, but believe me, having to not worry about even one small thing ever again will be most appreciated.

And do him a favor and put your schedule in writing. That way he can see which would be the best day to schedule an appointment if he somehow is unable to make it. I know the NH can provide transportation, but if the patient is unable or unwilling to participate in or understand treatment, it's a waste of everyone's time and money. Most people in his condition need someone else with them to "translate."

froglady--very good advice.

I don't even know if the OP is still reading--haven't seen a post from her in awhile (or I've missed them).

At any rate, OP, it is your decision and right to define how much can/will do for your brother. I have my own level of what I think is appropriate that *I* would do. I don't think any way is the "right" way and if you cannot give more than a small fraction of time to your brother, then, that's okay too. But, I do agree with some of the other posters in that I think you should be very proactive about this with your brother Joe. Even if you can only help one day a week. Let him know what that ONE DAY is and do try to do something.

You say that you work part-time. I don't know if that is a shorter day or only a few days a week. But there must be 2-3 hours in that week that you might be free. You could say to your brother "Hey, if you need me to take Mike to the doctor, I'm only available on Wednesdays from noon-2:30." That way Joe can try to fit those slots in.

Right now I think Joe has no clue as to when he could get some help from you. It is a stab in the dark and he's hoping you can pitch in. By defining exactly when you are available, no matter HOW SMALL that timeframe might be, you would probably help Joe more than you realize. Plus you would be gaining some control over the situation.

 

[swea_pea1]

Just don't be surprised when your children put their children first and aren't willing to help you in your old age.

Worse than my kids not being there for me is if they weren't there for each other. That would simply break my heart.

Perhaps the 5 and 10 year olds should give up on their college-age brother who has obviously gotten himself into trouble at an early age - just turn their backs and refuse to associate with him for the mistakes he's made.

That's the unfortunate message the OP's kids are receiving. I hope she realizes it before it's too late. The car is the least of her worries.

 

[arminnie]

Worse than my kids not being there for me is if they weren't there for each other. That would simply break my heart.

Very good point.

 

[Dis-Anonymous]

Good summary, but won't they see that as part of the "look back?" I doubt the car is worth much, anyhow-- just a guess.

OP, nobody said doing the right thing would be easy, and if you expect Joe to employ your son, you should expect to help Joe with Mike. Don't you think?



You are referring to workers who have a legal right to be in this country, aren't you? If not, I would advise your son to find another job, because in the current political climate, he might just get caught picking up his workers at the "bus stop."



It's funny that you mentioned Joe's wife, a cousin, the cousin's wife and failed to mention your husband and at least one grown son (since the other is in court and moving away soon).

I agree with everyone else who said to sell the car or have it towed and re-schedule the appointment-- and suck it up woman. Everyone does things they don't necessarily want to do.

I don't expect Joe to employ my son. I wish my son wouldn't work for him, he hates working for him. He quit in the past and I am sure will do so again. His uncle wants him to work for him. And no, most of his employees are not legal.
What does my dh have to do with this? Other than not wanting a car that isn't legal in front of our home. My dh gets up at 5:30 AM for work, and if I am lucky is home by 7PM. He is not in the equation as far as my brother goes.

 

[Dis-Anonymous]

I understand you are working to pay off the HECL, but, since your DH makes enough to support your family, could you possibly miss a few hours to take Mike to his appt.? Otherwise, I'd have to suggest reschedule it or let Joe take care of it.

Other then the monthly meeting my schedule is flexible. I can't move a regional meeting that includes all the reps and a visiting Senior VP.

 

[DisneyMommyMichelle]

, he hates working for him. He quit in the past and I am sure will do so again. His uncle wants him to work for him

why does he keep working there then???

I just don't get it anymore...

Just tell Joe the truth and be done with it. case closed. Sell the car. Second case closed. drama over.

 

[Dis-Anonymous]

I think this is it, in a nutshell. I think you need to just be honest with Joe and tell him that. If you don't want to help, own it.

I think impounding the car without notifying Joe first is an ignorant move, but it really sounds like you and your DH don't care because you see Joe as the golden boy with all of the riches and all of the time in the world to take care of everyone...

Just reminds me of people who think successful people are 'lucky'...

I do help out, and do so when I can. He is being taken by sil, and my son offered, but Joe said no.

I do not consider Joe a golden boy. He had a good business yes, but my DH does make a good living and we have a lovely home and Joe moved to my town several years ago. Unfortunately with 9/11 and downsizing, my DH's career was up and down. We were able to live on savings and only had debt in Hecl, send kids to college, so that is why money was tight. Yes we came close to having to sell our home several times, but jobs came through. I like my life and wouldn't trade with my brother for anything.

 

[Dis-Anonymous]

Why on earth would you think Joe should be expected to pay your sons salary for time missed if he were to take his other uncle to the doctors appointment?

Seems to me that you think that time and money is only a necessity to you and yours...but Joes money and time are just disposable and irrelevant.

If Joe wanted ds to take Mike to the doc, then yes Joe should be paid ds for it. Why shouldn't he. Joe makes money, since his men are working, if he is at that job site or not. Joe isn't hourly, he is the boss. DS is hourly.

 

[m&m's mom]

If Joe wanted ds to take Mike to the doc, then yes Joe should be paid ds for it. Why shouldn't he. Joe makes money, since his men are working, if he is at that job site or not. Joe isn't hourly, he is the boss. DS is hourly.

Wow! 9 pages and my (and apparantly almost everyone else's) opinion of you has not changed.
No explanation on the anonymous name either.....

 

[DWDreams]

This is mostly for those over 65, but anyone disabled under age 65 is eligible as well. I'm assuming he's applied and been accepted for SSDI benefits, which makes him officially disabled. If he hasn't, he should. Note the bolded information. There are also numbers for community social service programs listed. As an alternative, the doctors office is likely very familiar with transportation issues and social service needs. There are services available for families of someone ill and for those without families to help them. It's just a matter of taking the time to look into the solutions that are available. I suggest it might be helpful to all to spend a little time looking at options.

http://www.state.nj.us/health/consumer/ccpedfac.shtml

Community Care Program for the Elderly and Disabled
(CCPED)

INTRODUCTION

The Community Care Program for the Elderly and Disabled (CCPED) began October 1, 1983. CCPED was the result of a waiver submitted by the Division of Medical Assistance and Health Services (Medicaid) in response to the Omnibus Budget Reconciliation Act of 1981, Section 2176, Public Law 97-35, which encouraged the development of community-based services rather than institutional programs. The purpose of the program is to help individuals remain in the community or return to the community, rather than be cared for in a nursing facility or a hospital setting.

As a result of the Consolidated Omnibus Budget Reconciliation Act of 1985, CCPED was renewed for an additional five years beginning October 1, 1986 and is renewable upon request by the State. Features of CCPED were also amended to better accommodate the needs of New Jersey citizens.

ELIGIBILITY

Individuals must be 65 or over and be eligible for Medicare or have other health insurance which includes hospital and physician coverage. Individuals under 65 must be determined disabled by the Social Security Administration and be eligible for Medicare, or be determined disabled by the Division of Medical Assistance and Health Services, Disability Review Section, and have other health insurance including hospital and physician coverage.

All individuals must be assessed by the Department of Health and Senior Services as in need of nursing facility level of care.

An individual's own income must exceed the Supplemental Security Income (SSI) community standard up to the institutional cap or be ineligible in the community because of SSI deeming rules. An individual's resources may not exceed those required in the institutional program. Individuals who are currently Medicaid eligible for community services are not covered under the waiver. A spouse's income is not considered in the determination of eligibility, but the spouse's resources are considered.

SERVICES AVAILABLE

Eight services are available under CCPED. The services are case management, home health, homemaker, medical day care, non-emergency medical transportation, respite care, social day care and prescribed drugs. Other Title XIX State Plan services are not available to CCPED beneficiaries. There is a cost cap on each individual’s service package. There is no retroactive reimbursement of services provided prior to enrollment under CCPED.

SCOPE

CCPED is available statewide. The program has over 3,500 community care “slots”. Each county is allocated a specific number of “slots” in accordance with the needs of the county.

The Department of Health and Senior Services has responsibility for overall administration of the program and for assessment of the need for nursing facility care. Case management services are provided by County Boards of Social Services, Area Agencies on Aging, and home care agencies.

Total program costs are restricted by limits on the number of community care “slots” and on per-person costs. The case manager is responsible for the development of the service plan with the client/family, with input from provider agencies, and for monitoring the approved services and the cost of the service package. The program is funded by a match of Federal Title XIX (Medicaid) dollars and State Casino Revenue monies.

FOR ADDITIONAL INFORMATION

Inquiries can be directed to the Division of Aging and Community Services at (609)943-4060 or toll free to NJEASE at 1-877-222-3737.

For Financial Eligibility Services, Contact your local Board of Social Services:

Atlantic: (609) 645-7700

Bergen: (201) 368-7600

Burlington: (609) 261-1000

Camden: (856) 225-8214

Cape May: (609) 886-6200

Cumberland: (609) 691-4600

Essex: (973) 733-3000

Gloucester: (856) 256-2854

Hudson: (201) 420-3025

Hunterdon: (908) 788-1300

Mercer: (609) 989-4663

Middlesex: (732) 745-3729

Monmouth: (732) 431-6314

Morris: (973) 326-7247

Ocean: (732) 349-1500

Passaic: (973) 225-3111

Salem: (609) 299-7200

Somerset: (908) 526-8800

Sussex: (973) 383-3600

Union: (908) 965-2764

Warren: (908) 475-6301

 

[DWDreams]

Also, just remembered he's actually in a NH. Most NH have their own staff of social services as well as transportation to take their patients to and from their doctors appointments. Why wouldn't this NH be able to provide the service?

 

[tar heel]

Have you always resented Joe this much? There has to be some serious background here that isn't in the story.

 

[froglady]

I do help out, and do so when I can. He is being taken by sil, and my son offered, but Joe said no.

QUOTE]

But that's the problem. You help out when YOU can, which might not be when Joe needs help. As I mentioned, if you came up with a consistant day/way to help, Joe would know that he would be off the hook for at least a day or one aspect of care. That way he could plan his life accordingly, and you could feel good about contributing to your brother's care, without feeling put upon.

I suspect that the cause of Joe being unable to take Mike is due to some deadline at work, so not only can he not take the time, he needs all of his workers, so he can't spare your son, either. And yes, he doesn't HAVE to be there all the time, but haven't you ever heard the saying, "When the cat's away, the mice will play?"

 

[Disney Doll]

I am thinking that the OP didn't come here for "advice" but more for "validation" of her opinions. Unfortunately, she is not getting that.

OP, we are basing our responses on how we would handle this situation, were it occurring in our families, with our families' dynamics.

I will relate a personal situation of how my DH's family (of which I am considered a part, since I am his wife) handled the care of his terminally ill mother.

We all took turns. Plain and simple. When she brought home from the hospital, we made up a schedule of who was going to be at her house and when. We decided who was going to handle the financial stuff (bill payments, checking acocunts etc.), we decided who was going to be responsible for her medications and pouring them so that the other caregivers would only have to administer them...they were pre-poured into those little day-by-day pill boxes by the same person, all the time. It did require us to actually speak to each other and sit down once a month, near the end of the month, to formulate the next motnh's schedule. It also required the person whose scheduled time it was to be responsible for finding their own "replacement" if they could not be there for their "shift". There were 5 primary caregivers: myself, DH, DSIL, DSIL, DAunt. There were also 5 "secondary" caregivers: DBIL, DBIL, Friend, Friend, Friend. I was a daughter-in-law, and the 2 DBILs I refer to were her sons-in-law. So, in our case, the in-law children did participate in the care. The secondary caregivers were on call if the primary caregivers had to do something during their "shift". Myself and DH have no children, but my DSIL did. She was able to cooperate in the process because she knew when she would need to be at her mother's house and therefore planned her children's activities accordingly, around the schedule and planned her caregiving schedule around her children's activities.

Again, in our family, in-law children are considered part of the family. I would have never said that the care of my in-laws (either parents-in-law or siblings-in-law) was not my "responsibililty", nor I would expect my DH to say that if the time comes that my parents or brother needs some sort of assistance. We are family, we help each other.

I sense there are some deeper "issues" in your family. I feel for you in that your ill brother is his own worst enemy...I watched my own mother deal with her brother, who sounds as if he is very similar to your brother, but the bottom line was, she dealt with him, got him the proper care he needed and my father helped her. You need to decide what, if anything, you would like to contribute to the care of your ill brother. You need to let your other brother know what, if anything, you are willing to contribute. You may say that your children's schedules don't allow you to help, that you work and can't help...those are excuses for you choosing not to help. When we cared for my DMIL, we all worked, some of us had children, we all had other lives. You keep saying you'll do anything to help, but when he calls on you, you make excuses as to why you can't help, so your actions belie your words. I think you're trying to walk the fence of "Well, I offered to help, but with the kids and work and so on, there wasn't much I could do". There's a lot you can do if you choose to. And if you choose to do nothing, that's fine too. But don't pretend you're trying your best, when you're really making no effort at all. Just make sure you are prepared for all the ramificaitons of that choice, and they may be more far-reaching than you think. Remember, your children are watching what you do. You are leading by example, so make sure you are setting the example that you want your children to follow.

You say you have no jealousy or animosity towards your well brother, yet most of your posts make some reference to his finacial status, the fact that he owns his own business and so on. And that is not the issue here, anyhow. That's you, trying to cloud the true issue, the care of your sick brother, with all the other issues to lessen what sounds like guilt at your choosing not to participate too much in his care.

Make your decision, decide what, if anything, you can offer to Milke's care, let Joe know, and then hold up your end of the bargain. And if you can't offer anything to Mike's care. let Joe know that too. Then he won't depend on you for anything, he'll arrange what he eneds to arrange for Mike around his own schedule, without thinking he can depend on you, and everyone's life will be more in control.

Sorry if this seems to be harsh, but the issue at hand is Mike's care, and what you will or will not offer to it. It's not Joe's business, or his time vs. your time, or your son's employment, or your family obligations or anything else. It's how to work your participation in Mike's care into your schedule, if you want to.

 

[JoiseyMom]

Wow, I just read this thread. You guys want to know why this person is anonynmous, man, just look at your replies. You guys are just heartless and cruel. I feel bad for the OP, she seems to have issues with her siblings..and who doesn't, I know I do. She wants to help, but isn't being given any option. Joe called, didn't say when are you available, just figured she would be. The OP said somewhere that Joe knew her schedule, and what days she was available. Seems to me to be a lack of communication between them. I personally see nothing wrong with her putting her families needs and concerns first. She also wrote that Mike is in the process of getting the medicaid switched from one state to the other, which is why they can't get free transport. Seems like once the paperwork goes through Joe won't have to worry about it anymore.

I don't think she is jealous of Joe, I think she is frustrated. I also think she wanted to vent more than anything.

OP, hugs to you. I think you need to talk to Joe, and say listen, I want to help, but you need to give me options, and ask which days I am available. I have told you in the past I am avaible xyz days. Next time, just ask before you make the appt, and we can work something out.

Good luck with everything, and I hope Mike will get better!!

 

[N.Bailey]

Wow, I just read this thread. You guys want to know why this person is anonynmous, man, just look at your replies. You guys are just heartless and cruel. I feel bad for the OP, she seems to have issues with her siblings..and who doesn't, I know I do. She wants to help, but isn't being given any option. Joe called, didn't say when are you available, just figured she would be. The OP said somewhere that Joe knew her schedule, and what days she was available. Seems to me to be a lack of communication between them. I personally see nothing wrong with her putting her families needs and concerns first. She also wrote that Mike is in the process of getting the medicaid switched from one state to the other, which is why they can't get free transport. Seems like once the paperwork goes through Joe won't have to worry about it anymore.

I don't think she is jealous of Joe, I think she is frustrated. I also think she wanted to vent more than anything.

OP, hugs to you. I think you need to talk to Joe, and say listen, I want to help, but you need to give me options, and ask which days I am available. I have told you in the past I am avaible xyz days. Next time, just ask before you make the appt, and we can work something out.

Good luck with everything, and I hope Mike will get better!!

Obviously you didn't look at the times very in depth as she can technically do all that was asked of her. She simply doesn't want to.

Just in case you missed it earlier. The doctor's office is 45 minutes from her house. If Mike was dropped off there by 8:45, she could have her son back to the school by 9:30 and head out to her meeting at that time. She'd surely have enough time to get to her meeting as she'd drop her son off at 9:30 and head to her meeting after without Mike in the picture. She could also drop him off at 8:30 for a 9:00 appointment to give herself a little time. This solution isn't viable however because she has no idea what time the doctor's office opens and obviously has no phone to find out.

She also stated that her MIL could take her son to school if need be, but because of her meeting, she didn't bother asking. If her MIL took the son, she could drop Mike off at 9:00 and sit with him there for a half hour till she'd have to leave for her meeting.

In either scenario, Mike would have to wait to be picked up till after the meeting, but that's just too darned bad. Beggars can't be choosers!

She could also have tried to reschedule the doctor's appointment, but again, she must not have a phone available for that either.

It's simply one excuse after another.

IMO, it's Joe who deserves to vent.

She doesn't need luck either. All she has to do is be honest with Joe and tell him she doesn't want bothered. I doubt she wants Mike to get better either as he's done this to himself and deserves whatever is tossed his way.

 

[mytwotinks]

If Joe wanted ds to take Mike to the doc, then yes Joe should be paid ds for it. Why shouldn't he. Joe makes money, since his men are working, if he is at that job site or not. Joe isn't hourly, he is the boss. DS is hourly.

But that would be JOE doing it on his own STILL! You just don't get it. For whatever reason you think that Joe is the only one who should have to put himself out. You sound very entitled to Joe's income because he owns his own business. Very selfish.