Advice NO LONGER NEEDED...thanks :)

[MainStMandy]

Basically my relationship with dbf may be ending soon due to our difference of opionion on the topic of organized religion.

I was married before and went to mass with my exhusband EVERY weekend. I did so mainy to support him, not for myself. Well my dbf is also catholic and goes to church every weekend. We got into a conversation today and he basically told me that what he is looking for in life is to get married, have kids and have and his wife and kids be there with him every weekend at church.

I was baptized Episcapol but we never went to church, nor do I know very much about religion much less the catholic church. I believe in God...it's not like we have different beliefs. He told me to take some time to think about and be true to myself...if I decide that organized religion and going to church is not something I want...well it's pretty much over between us. He is truly wonderful and I can see myself having kids with him and spending the rest of my life together...but he's right in that I can't just do it because he does.

Any thoughts/opinions?

 

[RUDisney]

Just how into him are you? If you have any doubts at all, then this could be your way out. If you see a future with him in it, he's laid the ground rules. You either buy into them with your whole heart or you don't. If you agree to it just to get married, then you'll lose him if you don't believe in his faith with your full heart and soul. The first time you have a fight, you'll bring it up. It'll get ugly fast.

Be true to yourself. You either want to be part of his religion, or you don't.

 

[JARNJ3]

Wow - that is quite the ultimatum he has for you.

He told me to take some time to think about and be true to myself...if I decide that organized religion and going to church is not something I want...well it's pretty much over between us.

You need to decide whether you want to be forced to go to another church for the rest of your life..........

My Mom's Irish Presbyterian - my Dad's Italian Catholic. Mom agreed that the children would be raised Catholic at the time of their wedding (or the priest wouldn't marry them) - but no way would my Dad force her to go to church with us...... It wasn't her religion..... He was responsible for our religious upbringing, since it was his religion we were being raised in.

 

[MainStMandy]

Wow - that is quite the ultimatum he has for you.



You need to decide whether you want to be forced to go to another church for the rest of your life..........

My Mom's Irish Presbyterian - my Dad's Italian Catholic. Mom agreed that the children would be raised Catholic at the time of their wedding (or the priest wouldn't marry them) - but no way would my Dad force her to go to church with us...... It wasn't her religion..... He was responsible for our religious upbringing, since it was his religion we were being raised in.

He kind of brought that up today...the problem lies in that I really have no religion or church. He used the example if we were to have kids and what would he tell them? Why do we have to go to church but mom doesn't...

 

[RUDisney]

How is she being forced? He's not sticking a gun to her head and telling her she must go. He's telling her what he expects from a wife and mother. She has an option to bow out. He's giving her an opportunity to choose to accept his religion as her own. Wouldn't the world be a better place if we told people what we expect instead of pretending to go along with it only making ourselves and the other person unhappy in the process?

 

[Crankyshank]

I'm puzzled about what you're exactly looking for with your question.
It appears your bf is letting you know exactly what he wants, and it doesn't seem like he's requiring you to believe the same things, just that he wants his wife to support him and his vision of a family attending Church every weekend. The question is: Is this relationship worth you having to compromise yourself to attend Church every weekend for the rest of your lives together? How much, if anything, are you compromising of yourself to do this?
I know many people who have attended various Christian religious services because it makes their spouse happy, despite the fact they don't believe in organized religion. I am Catholic and my DH is not. We (ok I) go to Mass alone. My friend goes to service with his husband every week. He says he sucks it up because it makes his husband happy, just like his husband supports him by going to things that he has no interest in doing, and it doesn't compromise his intergrity by doing something so simple as to attend Sunday services.

 

[JR6ooo4]

I can not stand the ritual. Stand up, sit down pray pray pray! Gooooooooo JESUS!

I feel like cattle just doing repetition.
Mikeeee

 

[Mkrop]

How is she being forced? He's not sticking a gun to her head and telling her she must go. He's telling her what he expects from a wife and mother. She has an option to bow out. He's giving her an opportunity to choose to accept his religion as her own. Wouldn't the world be a better place if we told people what we expect instead of pretending to go along with it only making ourselves and the other person unhappy in the process?

I agree too many people dont discuss these things before they get married and then are shocked when the other spouse wants to raise kids in thier religion.

I dont know what you really want to know from your thread title or your post.

You need to decided if this is a deal breaker for you or not.

 

[NikiM20]

I can not stand the ritual. Stand up, sit down pray pray pray! Gooooooooo JESUS!

I feel like cattle just doing repetition.
Mikeeee

DD knows by whats going on how much longer mass is. Psst Hey Mom, only 10 more mins

 

[diznygirl]

Wow. That's tough. Sorry you are going through this.

I know it was very important to me to find someone to share my religion with, because it was part of me. So, yes, it was a deal-breaker when searching for a husband. I got lucky and found that person, but I would never have expected someone to change for me. I guess it's nice he's telling you what he wants, rather than moving on already.

If you have no sort of religion and want one, this relationship could be a good thing. If you don't, then you really need to be honest with yourself and your boyfriend now rather than having it cause problems later.

 

[disneyrun]

I can not stand the ritual. Stand up, sit down pray pray pray! Gooooooooo JESUS!

I feel like cattle just doing repetition.
Mikeeee

I think if you truly feel like that then the religion you are in isn't the right one for you. Just my two cents. I'm Catholic and love the ceremony and the "repetition" as you call it. To me it's comforting to have these rituals.

As to the OP it's great your DBF is being honest now. The only way you'll know how you feel about the Church is to attend mass for a while. They have a program for adults to guide them if they decide to convert.

 

[LaraK]

Maybe consider going to mass with him and see what you think. Ask him to explain the different portions and what it means to him. Meet with the priest.

 

[Nynaeve]

He kind of brought that up today...the problem lies in that I really have no religion or church. He used the example if we were to have kids and what would he tell them? Why do we have to go to church but mom doesn't...

That he (as the dad) believes in organized religion, and you don't but still believe in god. You both decided that he would take the kids to church with him, as that important to him. You still pray and speak to god, but in different ways. Everyone beliefs are different.

That's what I would say in that situation. And, my sister is not religious, but my BIL is. Their girls were baptized because that's what he wanted, and he's the one that takes them to church. They've never had any problems with it, that I know of. It's only a big deal, if you make it into a big deal IMO.

I forgot to add, sorry you're having to deal with this. Just think about it, and follow what your heart and conscience tells you.

 

[Mkrop]

better title

 

[bluesaturn]

I can not stand the ritual. Stand up, sit down pray pray pray! Gooooooooo JESUS!

I feel like cattle just doing repetition.
Mikeeee

Well then, don't go to church.

 

[poohandwendy]

How is she being forced? He's not sticking a gun to her head and telling her she must go. He's telling her what he expects from a wife and mother. She has an option to bow out. He's giving her an opportunity to choose to accept his religion as her own. Wouldn't the world be a better place if we told people what we expect instead of pretending to go along with it only making ourselves and the other person unhappy in the process?

YES!!!!
I agree with you. If anything, how refreshing to hear that he has standards he is totally upfront about.

OP, I wish you well in deciding what is important to you.

 

[KikiFan]

Does he just want someone that's willing to go to church on SUnday's and raise the children in that religion. Or does he expect you to embrace it wholeheartedly? Those are different things.

I think that you need to consider if you want or are willing to be part of an organized religion. Then you need to look into the Catholic Church - take some classes and learn what they believe. That's the only way you can decide if this is something you are willing to do for the rest of your life.

 

[lillygator]

I am Episcopalian and DH is Catholic.....he was dragged to church every week by his parents who now are deacons at a non denominational church....I went sporadically when I was a child.....probably needless to say, we do not attend church services.

I could not imagine being handed an ultimatum such as this and agree with the pp....does he expect you to convert and raise the children as such or just accompany him?

 

[poohandwendy]

That he (as the dad) believes in organized religion, and you don't but still believe in god. You both decided that he would take the kids to church with him, as that important to him. You still pray and speak to god, but in different ways. Everyone beliefs are different.

That's what I would say in that situation.

That would work for you and that works for others too. It sounds like that wouldn't work for the OPs BF, which is perfectly ok because he has the right to want that for his family. It's also totally ok if she decides she wants something different and ends their relationship. This is what dating is all about, finding out if someone is what you want.

The OP already had a marriage where she went to mass every weekend for her former DH, so I trust she knows what will and will not work for her.

 

[DisneyfeverTN]

He kind of brought that up today...the problem lies in that I really have no religion or church. He used the example if we were to have kids and what would he tell them? Why do we have to go to church but mom doesn't...

You could tell your children that mom and dad don't don't share the same religious beliefs. I think this situation could work out if he is willing to meet you halfway. But it sounds like it's his way or the highway. I would be packing.