Advice Needed

[Disneyluvr81]

Hi Everyone -- I am fairly new here and have normally either posted in the DLR or WDW threads but I thought this might be a good place to kind of vent what I am thinking right now and get some advice. My boyfriend and I kinda had an issue yesterday and this being my first relationship where my boyfriend has had nieces and nephews I am not quite sure where to go with it. We talked yesterday and our fine but I am not sure if I should bring up what has been bothering me today.

My boyfriend has a young neice and nephew and while the nephew is very well behaved and calm, the niece (who is turning 7) is very spoiled, high maintenance and always needs to be the center of attention. While I live out on my own, I was at home yesterday for a nice dinner with my parents, of which my boyfriend was going to be joining us. About 15 mins before he was set to be over, I received a call from him saying that the kids had come over earlier in the day and his niece was throwing a tantrum because he was leaving her to come see me and that she wanted to talk to me on the phone. He put her on and she basically gave me a "what-for" for having him over when she was there and that he was staying with her. I didn't know what to say as I have never had a child speak to me like that before. In hinesight I should have asked him to have her apologize as soon as he got back on the phone, but hinesite is 20/20. Well long story short he didn't come over for dinner because of her tantrum and what was supposed to be a nice evening wasn't.

He came over later and we resolved things but what has really been bugging me is that I feel pushed aside because of her tantrum and I am worried that this may happen again in the future and continue to happen now that she has figured out she can get away with it. She was extremely jealous of me when we first started dating and has only recently, within the last few months, warmed up to the fact that I am around. I talked to my mom about it, but moms are moms and of course her reaction is to side with my feelings. But I wanted to know if my feelings are legit ones and that I am not being selfish? I mean, I really felt bad saying anything last night but my feelings were hurt -- we don't exactly get to see each other very often and had gone out of the way for dinner that night.

I mean, I totally get the family thing, I have no problem with it. It wouldn't have even bothered me if his parents had said "oh you know what, we were planning on having a family dinner with the kids, can you stick around?" I would have been perfectly fine with it. But it was the fact that it was her temper tantrum that made him stay home. Also, I am not quite sure how to handle the way she talked to me on the phone - to me that was very disrespectful and I am not sure if I am out of line for asking him to have her apologize before talks to me on the phone again?

I am sorry for the long post, it's just something that has been on my mind since this morning and I thought it might be a good idea to get advice from people outside of the situation. Thank you for listening!

 

[MareQ]

Don't blame the child - blame your boyfriend. A child cannot make an adult do something they don't want to do. Your boyfriend chose to stay over there, your boyfriend heard the way his niece spoke to you and HE didn't ask her to apologize. Don't blame a child for acting like a child - even if she's being a snot - your issue is with him.

 

[poohandwendy]

I agree, this is an issue with the BF. She sounds like a spoiled brat, but he is an adult and should have handled the situation. This little girl only has as much control as the adults around her give her.

Also, not sure how serious your relationship is, but if you plan on marrying and having children together...best work out this kind of thing out now. (adults-children/respect etc)

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Don't blame a child for acting like a child - even if she's being a snot - your issue is with him.

Echo this....this is about your BF and not the child.

 

[SC Minnie]

I agree. Your boyfriend needs a backbone. He should never have stood for the niece talking to you that way and manipulating him into staying there by having a tantrum. He as well as the childs parents and grandparents are doing her no favor by allowing that kind of behavior.

 

[Disneyluvr81]

I am sorry if the post came off that I was spinning this off on to her, it really truly was not meant to sound like that. I was hurt and irritated at him last night for not handling the situation better and we did talk about it. What we didn't talk about was my fear that this becoming something happens all the time? I was just more wanting to make sure that me bringing that up my concerns and talking to him about having her apologize was not beating a dead horse. Again I am sorry for it coming off sounding the way it did - I don't blame a child for acting the way she has been raised.

 

[Evil Genius]

RUN!!! She is his niece and he lets her do this? Really unacceptable. I would rethink your relationship. IMO

 

[dolphinrescuegirl]

I had the same situation with my ex-boyfriend. His niece was actually biting my sister and her friend and bf did nothing about it saying she was playing. She would also yell at me and acted like a big snot. It is your bf responsibility but she also needs to be taught manners. We eventually broke up as this child was part of the problem. Good luck to you, I feel your pain!!

 

[Pinkprincessmom]

I agree that your boyfriend handled the situation incorrectly. However, I imagine he is young. I also imagine he was treating his niece the way he has seen the rest of the family treat her. She did not spoil herself. Perhaps you could explain to him that by staying after she had a tantrum, he was reinforcing her bad behavior. It's great that he loves his niece and doesn't want her feelings hurt, but he (and the rest of the family) need to learn not to reinforce bad behavior.

Maybe if you are around when she behaves this way again, you can make it a learning experience.

Best wishes.

 

[mickeyboat]

I definitely agree this is a problem with the boyfriend. But go easy on him, since this may be the first relationship he has had since his neice has been this age, and he might not know how to deal with it, either. Be easy on her, too, because she is just a child, and she has no clue how to deal with adult relationships getting in her way.

That being said, if she talks to you again that way, you should feel comfortable telling her not to speak to you that way. Or at least you should be able to re-direct the conversation to something else. You don't owe her an answer.

I would not dwell on it too much, though, unless it becomes a gigantic problem in your relationship. If your BF is really close to his neice, make a point of involving her to a certain extent. Take her to a movie, to the zoo. I bet you will have a great time.

Denae

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I was just more wanting to make sure that me bringing that up my concerns and talking to him about having her apologize was not beating a dead horse.

Alright, then take it to the next level. Suppose he gets the child to apologize to you. Will this solve anything? No.

Your BF has to be the person to handle things better. He may not want to. If that is the case, you may want to rethink your relationship with him.

 

[horseshowmom]

I definitely agree this is a problem with the boyfriend. But go easy on him, since this may be the first relationship he has had since his neice has been this age, and he might not know how to deal with it, either. Be easy on her, too, because she is just a child, and she has no clue how to deal with adult relationships getting in her way.

That being said, if she talks to you again that way, you should feel comfortable telling her not to speak to you that way. Or at least you should be able to re-direct the conversation to something else. You don't owe her an answer.

I would not dwell on it too much, though, unless it becomes a gigantic problem in your relationship. If your BF is really close to his neice, make a point of involving her to a certain extent. Take her to a movie, to the zoo. I bet you will have a great time.

Denae

This is pretty much exactly what I was going to post, so I'll just agree with Denae and add one thing. If it happens again, and nobody does anything about it, you may need to become more assertive at that point.

 

[Disneyluvr81]

Thank you to everyone who has replied and thank you for the reassuring words. To PinkPrincessMom - you were correct when you said he was young - we both are (early 20's) and while neither of us has much experience with young children, I used to babysit all of the time when I was younger and have never had an experience like this before with a child. I guess I was lucky getting to babysit kids who were for the most part freakishly well behaved .

I am going to talk to him tonight and just kinda let him know my concerns because I don't want this to escalate into something that contributes to the relationship ending as it has been an amazing relationship so far! You know how hard it is to find someone who is as big as a Disney nut as you are!! Its a weird, new experience being with someone who has young children in the family. And in terms of the parenting issues it hard for me because my brother and I were raised to respect others and have manners and be well behaved. Had he or I ever done something like that, oh lordy, well lets just say it would have NEVER happened again! Thank you again for everyone's replies!! I just needed to get what I was feeling out of my head before I gave myself an anxiety attack!!

 

[diznygirl]

I am sorry if the post came off that I was spinning this off on to her, it really truly was not meant to sound like that. I was hurt and irritated at him last night for not handling the situation better and we did talk about it. What we didn't talk about was my fear that this becoming something happens all the time? I was just more wanting to make sure that me bringing that up my concerns and talking to him about having her apologize was not beating a dead horse. Again I am sorry for it coming off sounding the way it did - I don't blame a child for acting the way she has been raised.

Well, if you don't want it to happen again then you have to convey that to BF. Not ask him, not tell that you are concerned, or fear.... just tell him "I'm glad that won't happen again." Smile, be nice, but make sure he understands.

Good luck with that!

 

[Beth76]

RUN!!! She is his niece and he lets her do this? Really unacceptable. I would rethink your relationship. IMO

I have to agree. He's an uncle and in the best position to not tolerate tantrums: he gets to send her back home. And that's just what he should have done.

Ok, well maybe before running you need to talk to him and find out why he changed your plans because of her tantrum. He needs to realize that this type of behavior is not to be tolerated. OP, I'm speaking as a parent too. I would be furious with anyone who let my child get away with that behavior.

 

[darlak]

If, by exhibiting some sort of unacceptable behavior today for 5 minutes (be it screaming, crying, hitting, etc.), a child gets their own way...then tomorrow they will be fully prepared to do the same for 15 minutes...and on and on and on. This isn't even true for only children. If you found a means of getting someone to do something you really wanted them to do, why would you change that system? My SIL has done this all of my neice's life. She tells her no, the child screams for as long as it takes until my SIL gives in. Now my SIL and brother say that they just have to give her what she wants or she'll scream for hours or until she makes herself sick. It's so much easier to create these little monster children than just to parent them right from the start. That same child who threw a little fit to get her way with your boyfriend is now prepared to throw a bigger fit since it worked so well for her this time.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I am going to talk to him tonight and just kinda let him know my concerns because I don't want this to escalate into something that contributes to the relationship ending as it has been an amazing relationship so far!

If you do not want this to esculate then DO NOT get the child to apologize. That will be setting yourself up for ten kinds of hell coming down the pike.
Teach your BF how to handle things better when he is in a pickle with his family.

Wanted to add...
Do not mess with parenting. This board is enough proof of that.

 

[poohandwendy]

If you do not want this to esculate then DO NOT get the child to apologize. That will be setting yourself up for ten kinds of hell coming down the pike.
Teach your BF how to handle things better when he is in a pickle with his family.

Wanted to add...
Do not mess with parenting. This board is enough proof of that.

This bears repeating. Very good advice.

 

[Disneyluvr81]

If you do not want this to esculate then DO NOT get the child to apologize. That will be setting yourself up for ten kinds of hell coming down the pike.
Teach your BF how to handle things better when he is in a pickle with his family.

Thank you -- I don't know why but that made me giggle -- I think it was a combination of being in a pickle and the thumbs up! The apolozing thing was more what I was unsure of then anything else. Not to sound horrible but my brain was equating it to scolding a puppy for something they did 10 minutes earlier -- they won't know what the heck they are getting scolded for and it gets you nowhere.

I definitely do not want to mess with the parenting, the last thing I need is big sister ready to kick me to the curb - its bad enough being on a 7 year old list!! Oh this is why my househould is going to consist of Golden Retrievers, Welsh Corgi's and a very, very gimpy retired Thoroughbred when I grow up hehe!

 

[mickeyboat]

This bears repeating. Very good advice.

and again ....


How much have you been around this child? If it has really only been a short amount of time, you might have just seen her on a bad day. I would hate to think someone thought of me as a bad parent because they saw my child misbehave once or twice.

We went to Home Depot last night, which is right next to the ice cream place. The kids begged to go, and we said we would IF they behaved in the store, and IF the line wasn't too long when we came out.

They DID behave but the line WAS atrocious, so when we came out, we said we were not going to go. I offered to stop at the grocery store to get stuff to make sundaes.

My 6 and 7 year olds both had a melt-down. They cried and stomped their feet, and with the windows down in the van, I think the entire town heard the commotion.

Now if you had seen my family then, you might think my kids were awful, spoiled, and that I am a terrible parent. But actually, for the most part, they are wonderful little girls. They had a hard time expressing their disappointment, it was nearing bed time and they were trying their darndest to get us to change our minds. What you didn't see, was us pass right by the ice cream stand, and right by the grocery store. We did exactly what a good parent should, but you didn't see that. And I bet they won't have a fit next time!

Spend some more time with this child. Develop a rapport with her, but don't let her push you over. Most of all, leave the parenting to the parents.

Denae