Advice Needed - Who's my daddy? (Warning: Long)

[punkin]

My younger DD was born with blue eyes like all babies. When she was a year old, I asked her pediatrician when they were going to change to brown The poor woman looked at me like I had 2 heads. They never did change so now I (very dark eyes) and my husband (normally dark eyes) have a child with steel-blue (bordering on gray with occasional flashes of green) eyes. Don't worry and accept Johnny as your bio-dad.

 

[DizBelle]

I agree with most PP. I don't think you have enough "evidence" to really doubt your paternity.

Given your descriptions, I think that your eye color could have been produced by a joining of your alleged parents.

And, don't forget, there is an environmental component to hair color. Does your na'vi dad spend time in the sun? Do you not spend time in the sun? How do you know he doesn't color his hair? He is a politician after all.

 

[vettechick99]

Two brown eyes can make a blue. My neice is proof of that.

Now scandal is known to happen in the world. My friend was just telling me that her 20something relative has no idea that her father is not her biological father. Everyone in the family knows he just came along when mom was pregnant. But no one is telling the daughter and still in her 20s she's never found out.

If you can, ask for a DNA test, since it's bothering you so much. But I want to know why are you so concerned? What's the story behind it? What is the real reason you want to know?

 

[merryweather20]

Honestly I can't see why you would be worried.

My Uncle looks like no one in the family but his son is a carbon carbon of my grandfather. Sometimes people look like their parents, sometimes they don't.

He might very well see his Mom or sister in you, which is why he was so disinterested in questioning you when you met.

 

[lillygator]

If you can, ask for a DNA test, since it's bothering you so much. But I want to know why are you so concerned? What's the story behind it? What is the real reason you want to know?

 

[JessicaR]

This is obviously something you lend great thought to. You know the only definitive answer is by DNA testing. If you aren't going to go that route, you need to find a way to come to terms with the what ifs.

I can say for certain dont second guess what you are being told by Johnny and Alice because of hair and eye color. If you saw my family portrait you would wonder what the milkman looked like.

 

[pixiewings71]

You really can't go by looks, in my family I'm the only one who looks like my father, we have the same facial features, same eyes, same hair color. My older sis looks like Mom, same eyes, same hair color, my little brother looks like Mom but has Dad's coloring, my youngest sis looks like NONE of us, she's got red hair and blue grey eyes...LOL
FTR, Dad and I, dark hair, dark eyes (brown)
Mom and older sis, green eyes and auburn hair
Brother has dark hair and green eyes
Little sis, red hair, blue eyes......it's pretty funny when you see us all together, we definitely look like siblings when we are all together but when it's just my younger sis and I we don't really look like sisters...and even funnier, my older sis and I look more alike and she's "only" my half sister, my step sister looks more like me then my younger sister and we aren't blood related.....really, if you're worried ask for a DNA test.

 

[lillygator]

obviously this is something DIS'ers will never get the story with.....

 

[quasar4legs]

As an adoptee and an adoptive mum I just wanted to give you a big hug, a lifetime of wondering can be difficult.

 

[Drew Sailbum]

...any geneticists or biologists on this board would know for sure...

Reporting in. Knew that BS in Genetics would come in handy for something.

As others have said, hair and eye color is not quite so easy. Blood type, if you know, might give more information but might not.

Yes, generally genes which permit darker coloration tend to be dominant... but there are exceptions.

 

[heatherleigh]

I always thought the genetics in my family were pretty weird, especially on the maternal side. Grandparents are both part eskimo, but grandfather had blue eyes (grandma's were brown). Their kids all look totally different. My mom has dark skin, curly dark reddish brown hair (she looks mexican). Some siblings have blonde hair and blue eyes. Some have brown eyes and pale skin, etc.

My own kids look totally different too. Hubby has yellow eyes and dark brown hair. Mine is naturally brown and my eyes are black. Our boys have black eyes, older daughter has blue/green light colored eyes w/ blonde hair, and baby has yellowy eyes w/ brown CURLY hair. Hubby and I both have stick straight hair.

After reading the previous posts, it sounds more common than I thought.

 

[allison443]

I delayed making contact with my birthfather for various reasons, but was able to keep up with him rather easily - he holds a form of public office and has a web page. I contacted him and we met a few months ago. Let me give my birthmother and birthfather monikers for ease of reference. We'll call her Alice and him Johnny (Can you tell I'm looking forward to the new Depp movie?)

Alice told me years ago that the choices for my paternity were Johnny or the immaculate conception, and I had no reason to doubt this. Now Johnny belongs to a specific ethnic group that has some very unique ethnic traits (I'll call them the Na'vi from now on - the people in Avatar.) and I have many of those traits, so again, no reason to doubt Alice.

But I have now met Johnny.

Alice = blonde, blue eyed, we're almost identical in facial features.
Johnny = red sandy to brownish hair, light green/blue hazel eyes.

Me = dark brunette with fine strands of lighter colors mixed thru. Green/Brown hazel eyes.

Now that I've typed that in black and white, what I've been suspecting seems more likely than I'd allowed myself to think.

.....

Well, I've been following his career for about 20 years. It's ALWAYS been the color it is now. He made a point of making sure I knew how honest and upright he always, always is, how he always tells the truth about things involved in his office. Maybe he's just proud of being honest and ethical in a position that has history of corruption. Alice has this long, romantic story about her relationship with Johnny that everyone in her family knows.

Ideas? This isn't exactly driving me nuts and I really don't want to say anything to anyone and upset Alice, Johnny or their families, butttttt. . .well. I almost wish I hadn't contacted him, it was easier being certain he was my birthmomma's baby daddy, and now that question is hanging over me.

Maybe he really is my birthfather and the real choices are Johnny or divine intervention - and I'm defintely not good enough for that!

Maybe I should just put it all to bed and stop worrying about it. It's not like I can change anything or like it affects my daily life.

Based on what I quoted above, you've known he was the supposed birth father for over 20 years. You've followed his public career and website for twenty years. You said his hair has always been the same color it is now. Presumably his eyes looked the same too. Did you never see a photo of him in twenty years? I doubt it. Especially if he was the right-hand man to a famous Na'vi politician who had a scandal, no less-I would think his picture would have been in the paper and popped on google?


So why is it only an issue now that you've met him? It seems like any question based on physical dissimilarity would have come up before now, wouldn't it?

 

[ReneeA]

I'm assuming since you're adopted, you have little idea what the rest of your birth parent's families look like. Neither of my children look like me. DS looks a little like DH, but he is very similar both in looks and personality to my FIL.

DD is another story. DH has a sister who is complete opposite in looks from him. She's tall and very thin - almost fragile looking. She's fair with blonde hair and blue eyes. DH is tall, but very broad and stocky with olive skin, dark hair (silver hair now)and dark eyes. DD came out carbon copy to DH's sister - tall, thin, blonde hair, blue eyes, and petite features. It's scary how much they look alike. That kid doesn't look anything like DH and I. When we all go out together, everyone assumes that DD belongs to my SIL...with good reason.

Genetics are a strange thing, for sure.

 

[pilesoflaundry]

Honestly eye and hair color can come from anywhere.

My mom has red hair like her great uncle, her parents do not have red hair. She is also the only green eyed child out of the 5. The others are blue or gray like the parents. From my understanding there is no question about my grandpa being her father. It's the uncle on his side that has red hair and green eyes.

Recessive stuff shows up everywhere. My fil has a rim of blue around his brown eyes so he has some blue somewhere. My nephew has blue eyes, the brown didn't dominate. One of my kids has the blue rim on one eye, it's hard to see though. Crazy stuff! (dh and I are both brown eyed and mine are super dark, his are lighter, the kids are all brown but one was hazel forever)

There is a book by Barbara Delinsky, I think it's call Family Ties. Both parents are white but have a biracial looking child. Turns out way back on mom's side there is some AA in her side.

Either choose to trust the given information or if it bothers you that much get a dna test. At this point if there is anyone else and you haven't gotten the entire story, would you ever? I mean would anyone be able to track down any other maybe? Would you have any relationship, would it leave you feeling worse?

 

[debknight]

Honestly, I don't understand what the OP means by "specific ethnic group" with "unique ethnic traits". Red/sandy brown hair and green/blue eyes -- sounds Caucasian, as does the description of her mother.

 

[Nom]

Based on what I quoted above, you've known he was the supposed birth father for over 20 years. You've followed his public career and website for twenty years. You said his hair has always been the same color it is now. Presumably his eyes looked the same too. Did you never see a photo of him in twenty years? I doubt it. Especially if he was the right-hand man to a famous Na'vi politician who had a scandal, no less-I would think his picture would have been in the paper and popped on google?


So why is it only an issue now that you've met him? It seems like any question based on physical dissimilarity would have come up before now, wouldn't it?

I was about to say the exact same thing- you knew the hair and eye color for years, so why is it bothering you all the sudden? I don't get it.

That being said, (((hugs))) because I am sure it is tough wondering.

 

[MineMail]

DNA testing is the only way to go.

I'm the youngest and I look nothing like my brother or sister and barely like my parents.

It was really confusing when my parents were alive because my sister is the spitting image of my mother (and has the same name) and my brother could be my father's clone (and has the same name.)

I was named for my maternal grandparents, but I look exactly like my paternal grandparents in features, skin color, and hair/eye color. Ironically, my nieces all look like me, as do my daughters. (Although my inlaws' family would disagree.)

I can't fathom why it would matter so much to you, but get a DNA test if it's that important to your mental state.

 

[Normangirls]

OP -- I totally get why this is important.

If I was sitting in a room, and someone walked in, escorting a man right up to me, and told me, "Here, this man is your father" and walked away, I would not just accept it outright. I'd wonder, how do we know he is the father, is everyone sure their story is really true, and where is the proof?

You have enough questions running through your mind (you've obviously changed details to protect everyone, so the debate about which ethnic group or the exact color of this man's hair is irrelevant) that you're always going to wonder. The only way to answer for sure is obviously a DNA test.

Of course, if you ask for a DNA test you are telling your birth mother and (possible) birth father you don't completely trust them, and that is the crux of the problem. So the questions really is, is this going to bother you enough that you need an indisputable answer at the possible risk of your relationship with them?

You don't have to do anything right away. Spend some time thinking about it, and see if your feelings (the amount this is weighing on your mind) change in 6 months or a year, or longer.

 

[allison443]

OP -- I totally get why this is important.

If I was sitting in a room, and someone walked in, escorting a man right up to me, and told me, "Here, this man is your father" and walked away, I would not just accept it outright. I'd wonder, how do we know he is the father, is everyone sure their story is really true, and where is the proof?

You have enough questions running through your mind (you've obviously changed details to protect everyone, so the debate about which ethnic group or the exact color of this man's hair is irrelevant) that you're always going to wonder. The only way to answer for sure is obviously a DNA test.

Of course, if you ask for a DNA test you are telling your birth mother and (possible) birth father you don't completely trust them, and that is the crux of the problem. So the questions really is, is this going to bother you enough that you need an indisputable answer at the possible risk of your relationship with them?

You don't have to do anything right away. Spend some time thinking about it, and see if your feelings (the amount this is weighing on your mind) change in 6 months or a year, or longer.

It just seems puzzling that the OP HAS accepted it for twenty years and is only questioning it now

 

[Normangirls]

It just seems puzzling that the OP HAS accepted it for twenty years and is only questioning it now

You're right, I forgot about that. That is the only point I don't understand.