Advice needed please

[Tracy Savage]

My Mom passed away last week. Not one of my co workers came to the service. I have worked there for years and we all get along nicely. (Small salon) Now I have no desire to step foot in there. I feel like I got a huge kick in the face. The service was just down the street from my job. They all live locally too. How can I handle this?

 

[Erin1700]

Did they do anything to show their sympathy?
I think your mom would not want you to be upset about it. Focus on those people that did come and focus on the memories of your mom. You have the right to be hurt.

 

[Abbie]

I'm so sorry to hear about your mom.

My dad died in November and none of my coworkers came to his service either, or asked when it was or anything. I didn't really expect them to so it didn't really bother me. I think a lot of time people don't realize they go to a service as support for the friend, they think they shouldn't be there if they didn't know the deceased personally. I'm sorry, I don't know what I would say/do if I were in your shoes. Guess if I liked my job and coworkers I'd forgive them and try to move on. Have they expressed their sympathies in other ways?

 

[BCDisneyFanatic]

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Are your co-workers fairly young? Maybe they aren't familiar with the rituals of funerals. When I was younger, I wouldn't have considered going to a funeral of someone I didn't know - I didn't really realize that funerals were more for those left behind than for the deceased.

 

[Tracy Savage]

I called and told them when the services were and asked them to please not to send anything - I didn't want to put them out and flowers are so expensive- and they all knew my Mom. I just don't understand. It would have been 5 minutes out of their day. They are all older than me, and I'm 44.

 

[minniecarousel]

Oh, don't hold it against them. I will sit and fret about going to funerals. I feel that I'd be intrusive, if I didn't know the deceased - even if I know the daughter quite well. I have a friend who is on the oppposite side of that - she goes to funerals even if she'd never met the person. If she felt she could be a support to the deceased's family, she is there!

My family is very close and very caring, yet not one of my siblings came to DH's sister's funeral several years ago. I think they felt they were support to us in so many ways, and knew that SIL's DH would have his friends there for him. (Yet, the above-mentioned friend of mine was there!)

People handle funerals and grief in so many different ways. Please forgive them.

 

[PrincessKitty1]

I am so sorry you lost your mom.

I think a lot of people just don't know what to do or say when a co-worker's loved ones pass away, especially if they have never lost someone themselves. My 2 closest buddies at work didn't even express their sympathy when my dad died. Some people don't know how to say "I'm sorry for your loss," much less go to a funeral.

I was really hurt that people couldn't even bring themselves to say "I'm sorry," but honestly, I think they were lacking in social/emotional graces.I would suggest being your true self and grieve how you need to grieve, but don't show any anger toward people at work. As another poster mentioned, when I was younger I thought you needed to be close to the person who died in order to go to a funeral.My DH until very recently thought you had to be invited to a funeral! Your co-workers most likely didn't know it would be meaningful to you for them to have come to the service.

 

[Tink888]

I would try and give them the benefit of the doubt. Everyone has different feelings about attending funerals. They may have even thought that you only really wanted family there when you asked them not to send anything.

That said, I just want to say that I'm so very sorry for your loss and also sorry that you were hurt by your co-workers not attending. I'm sure they didn't intentionally mean to hurt your feelings.

 

[Eeyores Butterfly]

I would definitely let it go. I would not consider going to the funeral of a coworker's family member unless I knew the deceased very well. I would certainly express my sympathies, but I would not feel like it was appropriate for me to go to the funeral.

They probably didn't even realize that you wanted them there.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Sounds like you could have used there support and they were not there for you. That does have to hurt.

However what is done is done and perhaps they will save face with you with support at work during this time in your life. So maybe look at it in that light.

My deepest sympathies on the loss of your mom.

 

[MoniqueU]

I know I owuld have trouvle going to a friends parents runeral unless I spent a signifigant amount of time with the deceased. I am thinkinf of close fiiiends sjos moms I know and can't picture myself going. Don't hold it against them.

 

[Cool-Beans]

My mother just died and I'm praying that nobody from work shows up. This is a personal thing, KWIM? I don't want coworkers there. I wouldn't be angry if they showed, but I don't want to see them.

It is possible that they thought that you might feel as I do and decided it would be best to leave you be, give you your space.

They may very well have been trying to do the right thing for you and ended up doing the wrong thing.

I'd forgive them. And I'm sorry about your loss. This losing your mommy stuff is for the birds.

 

[RNMOM]

I'm sorry for your loss. It is so difficult when we loose a parent. Please, don't get too upset about your coworkers not coming. I am one of those people who dislike going to any funeral service. Honestly. When I die I refuse to have any service. DH and my family understand this.

Many people are unsure just how far to go with coworkers. Sometimes it feels as if you might be making it even harder for the family to have a lot of non family people there. I feel pretty certain you coworkers will be there when you return to rely on and support you.

I wonder when you asked for them not to send anything if it made them feel as though it was going to be a smallish and family mainly service. Our family has had these kinds of services for several elder family members mainly because they have no friends remaining.

 

[Tracy Savage]

Cool Beans--Sorry about your Mom too. It sucks. Thanks for everyones input. I told my co workers not to do anything because of the cost factor. They knew that. We live in a very cash strapped area and I was trying to save them from stressing about that. There are only 5 of us at work I thought we were closer than that. They watched me cry all thru Moms illness. I need my job, I will try to forgive but I just don't understand.

 

[Stacerita]

You asked them not to do anything. Could that have been interpretted by them that you dind't want them involved at all? Or that you didn't want them there? Also, funerals aren't easy on some people. Even being close to someone doesn't make it easier for them to go to. Were they supportive during your mother's illness? Maybe they felt that it was then that you needed their support, not now that she has passed. I wouldn't let it get to me.

 

[chyam]

My mother just died and I'm praying that nobody from work shows up. This is a personal thing, KWIM? I don't want coworkers there. I wouldn't be angry if they showed, but I don't want to see them.

It is possible that they thought that you might feel as I do and decided it would be best to leave you be, give you your space.

They may very well have been trying to do the right thing for you and ended up doing the wrong thing.

I'd forgive them. And I'm sorry about your loss. This losing your mommy stuff is for the birds.

I have to agree with you on this one...when my mother passed I didn't even want people to say that they were sorry! I just did not want to have to keep thinking about what had just happened.
It's hard for people to really know what the people left behind want...do they want support....some think that perhaps others in the family are there for that and that you may just want them there, still others feel the need to be supportive whether they knew the deceased or not, then there are others that simply do not want to go to funerals, some have a hard time dealing with it.
You should not keep dwelling on this , those people probably really do care about you and just did not know how to handle it. Then there are people who we may consider friends but are really just co-workers. Do you socialize with these people outside of work?
I have some friends who go to every funeral they can, personally funerals are not my cup of tea and I will only attend if it is a close family member or one of my true friends.
Let it go, look to the future and hold on to the memories of your mom, not of the day you think your friends let you down!

 

[Pin Wizard]

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Hopefully, the pain of their not attending will lessen in time. Everyone has different feelings about attending funerals. There have been quite enough in my family for me. I've only attended one wake since all that. That was for DS's kindergarten teacher at the time when her husband died. That was basically a drop by, talk with her, and leave.

 

[m&m's mom]

I'm sorry. I can understand why you would be upset. In my office we all go to the immediate family's funerals. There are at least 10-30 of us at every one. You spend so much time w/ co-workers you sometimes feel like family.
I know having the "other family" there has been a great comfort to all the ones grieving.

 

[Buckalew11]

I am sorry for your loss.

When DH's dad died so many of his friend's from work and even old jobs came to support him. It meant a lot to him.

When my dad died, I did not have co-workers anymore since I work at home and had for 12 years. However, (small salon also) one of my old co-workers did show up and it meant so much to me. The next time I went in to have my hair done, 3 of them had gone in together and gotten me a card and a huge talk angel that I keep on my fireplace next to my mom and dad's 50th wedding anniversary photo. It meant so much to me that they cared that much after 12 years, so I know what you mean by it hurting.

I think you should really try to get past this hurt though. It only hurts you and they will most likely stay unaware of your heartache. It'll only cause your anger to grow and eat at you. Try to forgive and more on. And when tragedy strikes their lives, be there for them and show them how much it can mean to someone to know people care.

Again, I am sorry for your loss.

Cool-Beans, I am sorry for your also and if I could, I'd show up for you anyway.

 

[ksjayhawks]

You told them not to send flowers or do anything and they didn't. They may not have known that you wanted them there. Also, some people are just not funeral goers.

I would wait and see what happens when you get back.