Advice needed please

[JanaNs]

First of all I'm so sorry about your Mom.

I'm with the OP, I would be hurt. Funerals are not supposed to be easy on the person attending but they are a part of life and people should try to see that although they may be uncomfortable, they are a source of comfort to others. Yes it is difficult. It's not meant to be easy. When I'm finding it hard to attend a funeral or wake I just remember how much it meant to me and my family in my time of need and I make myself go. Quite a few of my coworkers came to my mom's funeral and it meant the world to me.

 

[Snowysmom]

I am sorry for your loss. It is very difficult to lose a parent. It sounds like when you told them not to do anything, they may have thought that meant going to the service. I would give them the benefit of the doubt and forgive them for not going. Since you are a close group, they may express their sympathy when you return to work.

My father passed away just after Thanksgiving and I was kind of hurt that the people in the group I currently work in did not even express any sympathy. I did not expect them to go to his funeral but I kind of expected them to say they were sorry. The group I used to work in gave me a sympathy card that every one signed and people told me they were sorry. Even people I worked with in my previous company sent cards. I just figured people are different and some people do not handle giving sympathy very well to co workers.

Cool beans- I am sorry for your loss.

 

[Nancyg56]

I am so sorry for your loss As the others have said, perhaps your coworkers thought that you did not want them to come to the service. I make it a point to at least attend the wake if a fried has lost a family member, I remember how much I appreciated it when people came to support me when my first husband died. For some reason people do not "pay respect" so much any more and I think it is a loss really. The services are a tangible way to support friends and family. Please try to give your coworkers the benefit of the doubt, it will be a heavy burden if you carry the hurt with you.

Cool-Beans, I am so sorry for the loss of your Mom

 

[minkydog]

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Are your co-workers fairly young? Maybe they aren't familiar with the rituals of funerals. When I was younger, I wouldn't have considered going to a funeral of someone I didn't know - I didn't really realize that funerals were more for those left behind than for the deceased.

I'm sorry for your loss, too. There's never a good time to lose a parent, even when we know it's inevitable.

I agree with this poster, however. I wouldn't go to the funeral of the parent of a friend unless I knew the parent well AND the friend specifically asked me to be there. I don't think we can assume that our friends know they would be welcome or needed. I'm very sorry your co-workers didn't support you the way you wanted, but you told them not to send flowers or do anything. How were they supposed to know you needed them??

 

[LuvCuteBoys]

Did they go to the wake/viewing or did you not have one of those? I don't know that I would go to a funeral for a coworkers family member, but I absolutely would go pay my respects at the funeral home.

First of all I'm so sorry about your Mom.

I'm with the OP, I would be hurt. Funerals are not supposed to be easy on the person attending but they are a part of life and people should try to see that although they may be uncomfortable, they are a source of comfort to others. Yes it is difficult. It's not meant to be easy. When I'm finding it hard to attend a funeral or wake I just remember how much it meant to me and my family in my time of need and I make myself go. Quite a few of my coworkers came to my mom's funeral and it meant the world to me.

I agree. It's not about me. My personal discomfort that lasts ten minutes can be put aside to comfort someone who is going to be grieving for a long time.

For your sake, I suggest letting it go. But I absolutely understand where you're coming from, and I know myself well enough to know that I would be crushed.

(((((Hugs)))))
I'm so sorry for your loss.

 

[disneyfav4ever]

I just lost my grandmother. I got cards from some of my coworkers, I don't expect anything more from them.

 

[TotalSnowWhite]

I called and told them when the services were and asked them to please not to send anything - I didn't want to put them out and flowers are so expensive- and they all knew my Mom. I just don't understand. It would have been 5 minutes out of their day. They are all older than me, and I'm 44.

Cool Beans--Sorry about your Mom too. It sucks. Thanks for everyones input. I told my co workers not to do anything because of the cost factor. They knew that. We live in a very cash strapped area and I was trying to save them from stressing about that. There are only 5 of us at work I thought we were closer than that. They watched me cry all thru Moms illness. I need my job, I will try to forgive but I just don't understand.

Did they have clients during that time? A funeral would definitely take a chunk out of a work day (definitely more than five minutes). If it's as hard, economically, as you say, they may not have been able to take the pay cut.

Or it could simply be that they didn't feel comfortable being there. We have a close friend of the family who has never been to a funeral, and she is in her sixties. She just isn't comfortable being with the body.

 

[clh2]

Sorry to hear about your mother.

I have had 3 coworkers that lost parents since I have been at my current job. I went to the visitation only for one, the second one, I missed due to being out of town on business.

The third - and I still feel horrible - I was a mojor volunteer the day the 2.5 semi's of girl scout cookies for our service unit were being delivered. There was simply no way I could have broken free to go home and shower and then go to the funeral. Out of the 3, this is the coworker I am most freindly with. I called her the day before, and explained how sorry I was to not be able to attend.

I am not a big "funeral" person if I do not know the deceased, however, I do try to make it to the visitation.

Please realize that everyone has a different opinion on funerals.

I would not be offended if my coworkers do not come to my parents funerals or visitations. Although, both parents are in excellent health, so it is hopefully something I will not need to worry about for years.

 

[Eeyores Butterfly]

You said that everybody in the salon is older which makes me think there have been similar situations before. Did they attend funerals for other coworkers' family members? If so, I can see where you would be upset. If not, then perhaps that is the norm.

From reading this thread, it is clear that everybody grieves differently. Some people want non family there, others see it as a private time. For my family we see it more as a private thing for our family and extremely close friends. Perhaps your fcoworkers come form those types of families?

Perhaps the best way to deal with this is to talk to them. Ask them why they didn't come. My bet is you will find that they thought you didn't want them there. It sounds like this is something that is going to fester if you don't address it. Better to get it out in the open.

 

[Tracy Savage]

First day back... Business as usual. Whatever. It's hard not being bitter. And they knew what I meant by not doing anything. I told them not to spend money. Not to buy flowers or food because they can't afford it. When you work with the same 5 people day in and day out they do become a part of your life. My brother works at a fire dept. There must have been 25 of them there. People came out of the wood work for the service. It's just a shame. Well, it's just a job, I'll go there, do my work and go home. Nothing more nothing less.

 

[ols386]

I'm so sorry for you and your family.

They may not have realized that you wanted them there, and thought, as some posters have said here on this board, that they might be intruding. Personally, I don't see it that way. I've gone to many a funeral for someone who I had never met, but I went in support of their loved one, that I had some type of association with. I guess everyone sees it a bit differently.

I understand how you might feel though. I've lost both of my parents, and I soooooo much appreciated family, friends, and co-workers coming by the funeral and/or attending the funeral service. Even the sympathy cards mean so much. Sometimes we just don't realize how much those things really mean, until we've been through them.

 

[Handbag Lady]

I would be mad, too. You told them the time and place and that is an invite, as far as funerals go here. But, people are not forced to attend.

I've had two grandparents die while I was at work. My whole family lives 40 minutes away from me, so everything was local. BOTH times, I was excused from work right away and by the time I arrived home, in one death I found a nice bouquet at my doorstep and a lovely note signed by everyone and in the second one, I also got a nice bouquet and a hand-signed note from the owner saying some really nice and supportive things with an invite to take as much paid time as I needed.

In both cases, everyone was "invited" to the services and instead of attending, they both sent arrangements to the services. I certainly didn't expect anyone to take off time from work to attend, but it was 40 minutes away one-way.

In your case, it seems it would not have been difficult to attend. Yet, some people do handle death differently.

So be mad, but forgive them.

 

[Tracy Savage]

I'm so sorry for you and your family.

They may not have realized that you wanted them there, and thought, as some posters have said here on this board, that they might be intruding. Personally, I don't see it that way. I've gone to many a funeral for someone who I had never met, but I went in support of their loved one, that I had some type of association with. I guess everyone sees it a bit differently.

I understand how you might feel though. I've lost both of my parents, and I soooooo much appreciated family, friends, and co-workers coming by the funeral and/or attending the funeral service. Even the sympathy cards mean so much. Sometimes we just don't realize how much those things really mean, until we've been through them.

You're right. As someone said funerals are for the living not the dead. And we were all touched and amazed by the showing at the service. It really does mean alot. I think we all cringe at going to them. It's not a barrel of laughs, but it's part of life. And it means so much. I was dreading the wake. I thought I'd cry thru the whole thing. But people kept telling me there personal stories about my Mom and it was really nice. Nice to see how many people really loved her.

 

[krcit]

When I was 20 my dad died. He was a big wig with the company where I worked. I was very friendly with a few of the guys who did work with us. Two of them did not show up at the wake and I was so hurt. they should've been there because of my dads position in the company and because of our friendship. I am not a confrontational person but I couldn't help myself. I asked them both why they hadn't come. One of them felt so bad that he cried. I'm sure he now thinks twice before not going to a wake. I realize after my dad died how comforting it is to see how many people care about you or your lovede one enough to come to a wake. If I ever even think 'should I go?" then I go because I know it means something to people. I'm so sorry about your co-workers, it stinks to be hurt on top of grieving. please accept my condolences on the loss of your mom.

 

[C.Ann]

My Mom passed away last week. Not one of my co workers came to the service. I have worked there for years and we all get along nicely. (Small salon) Now I have no desire to step foot in there. I feel like I got a huge kick in the face. The service was just down the street from my job. They all live locally too. How can I handle this?

My mother just died and I'm praying that nobody from work shows up. This is a personal thing, KWIM? I don't want coworkers there. I wouldn't be angry if they showed, but I don't want to see them.

It is possible that they thought that you might feel as I do and decided it would be best to leave you be, give you your space.

They may very well have been trying to do the right thing for you and ended up doing the wrong thing.

I'd forgive them. And I'm sorry about your loss. This losing your mommy stuff is for the birds.

--------------------

I'm very sorry for both of you..

 

[minkydog]

You're right. As someone said funerals are for the living not the dead. And we were all touched and amazed by the showing at the service. It really does mean alot. I think we all cringe at going to them. It's not a barrel of laughs, but it's part of life. And it means so much. I was dreading the wake. I thought I'd cry thru the whole thing. But people kept telling me there personal stories about my Mom and it was really nice. Nice to see how many people really loved her.

I've been through 4 funerals for elderly family members and I have to say, the visitation after the funeral is my favorite part. Everybody gathers back at the house, friends & family bring food, and we all sit around talking, catching up on gossip, and crying a little. It's a big ol' family reunion.

 

[disykat]

Sorry for your loss.

It would not have occured to me to go to the funeral of a coworker's family member unless we were close friends outside of work and I felt like they specifically needed my support. I consider funerals private. I sing at funerals sometimes and always try to remain unobtrusive. I would probably send a card, food, and consider it my job to keep the workplace going smoothly in their absence.

I'm always sort of confused by the visitation piece some people have mentioned. I would consider that even more private than a funeral.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I'm always sort of confused by the visitation piece some people have mentioned. I would consider that even more private than a funeral.

The visitation is the "public" part and the funeral is more family. So now you don't have to be confused anymore.

 

[Eeyore's-tail-tack]

While on the job I have always gotten close to a few of my co-workers. This being said, once I leave that particular job, I never hear or socialize with my past co-workers. They are nice people that are in my life for a particular period of time. I really wouldn't let it bother you. So sorry for your loss. It does get a little better, day by day. I understand that you are still working with them.

 

[aprilgail2]

I would definitely let it go. I would not consider going to the funeral of a coworker's family member unless I knew the deceased very well. I would certainly express my sympathies, but I would not feel like it was appropriate for me to go to the funeral. .

You are young because in my "older world" it would be VERY inappropriate NOT to be there. It has nothing to do with knowing the family member, it has to do with showing caring and support for the family member that is living and still here that you know!!

I'm sorry. I can understand why you would be upset. In my office we all go to the immediate family's funerals. There are at least 10-30 of us at every one. You spend so much time w/ co-workers you sometimes feel like family.
I know having the "other family" there has been a great comfort to all the ones grieving.

When a co-workers family member dies every one of us that is free and able to make it attends the wake. I would never think of not going!

First day back... Business as usual. Whatever. It's hard not being bitter. And they knew what I meant by not doing anything. I told them not to spend money. Not to buy flowers or food because they can't afford it. When you work with the same 5 people day in and day out they do become a part of your life. My brother works at a fire dept. There must have been 25 of them there. People came out of the wood work for the service. It's just a shame. Well, it's just a job, I'll go there, do my work and go home. Nothing more nothing less.

I would have a hard time being friendly towards any of them again, it really was a slap in the face since it is a small business and you have worked with them for awhile for them not to bother to show up. But since you work there you are going to just have to either get a new job or suck it up and deal with them all just business like.