Advice needed: How do I say this nicely?

[KadysMom]

I cant even believe this thread!! The crazy people that come out of the woodwork. I cant stand my MIL. I dont trust her, and I will tell you that my SIL smokes pot, has a nasty house, and all that. I dont want my DD9 there. SO GUESS WHAT!!! I dont ask my MIL to babysit... EASY PEASY! GET OVER IT! I really feel bad for you DD. Some day you will realize she isnt the only kid out there, and that she shouldnt be raised to be a princess like you have described. I just shake my head and think you are nuts!

 

[Colleen27]

Police raid Home Grow Op's all the time sweetheart. They don't last long because power companies are trained to look for electricity usage far above normal household limits. SO yeah, it's completely plausible that if he IS really growing weed in his basement, he WILL get caught and there WILL be a raid.

That's really a concern for larger-scale commercial/black market operations, not growing for personal use. And since the OP didn't say anything about her BIL being a drug dealer I think it is likely he's just got a small personal-use setup going.

I have a grow setup in my basement for perfectly legal plants (I start heirloom veggies from seed for myself and to sell) and the energy used to start a few hundred plants plus maintaining a handful of potted veggies I overwinter indoors is well below "suspicious" consumption. Someone just growing a pot plant or two wouldn't need even as extensive a setup as I have, and could easily get away with it indefinitely if no one reported them.

 

[mamaLori05]

I win because everyone is right, I can control who watches her and who interacts with her. If she can't follow my request then she only gets to see her when I can bring her over and stay.

you may be controlling it now, but what happens when you drive your husband away and the two of you get a divorce? (and if you are constanly complaining about your DH's family and pushing them away and he doesn't agree with you, the chances of that happening are pretty high). Then you will have no control over who he takes your dd to see.

 

[Marsheliz]

PP- Nothing is wrong with Wal- Mart.. The point was I dont agree in taking someone elses children somewhere without letting the parents know.... I wouldnt have cared- if they asked before they did it. It has happened to me and I dont like it.. I was a nanny for 5 years and never once took the children somewhere that their parents didnt know about.. Thats all I am saying. I did not read this whole bulletin- I just saw where she was talking about her MIL and I have problems with mine too. No need to get snarky over the internet!!!

 

[Nancyg56]

I cant even believe this thread!! The crazy people that come out of the woodwork. I cant stand my MIL. I dont trust her, and I will tell you that my SIL smokes pot, has a nasty house, and all that. I dont want my DD9 there. SO GUESS WHAT!!! I dont ask my MIL to babysit... EASY PEASY! GET OVER IT! I really feel bad for you DD. Some day you will realize she isnt the only kid out there, and that she shouldnt be raised to be a princess like you have described. I just shake my head and think you are nuts!

What do you really think Risa?????
You have never kept your IL's away from Kady though, nor have you ever made Jeff choose between you and his mother. And when your Sis Il offers to babysit you just change the subject. No hurt feelings, no insults and no placing anyone in an awkward position.

 

[Marsheliz]

And to the other PP- she worked at Wal Mart.. Thats why I didnt want her taking him there in the middle of flu season where everyone could touch all over him. Thats why!!!!

 

[mjkacmom]

And to the other PP- she worked at Wal Mart.. Thats why I didnt want her taking him there in the middle of flu season where everyone could touch all over him. Thats why!!!!

This part does make sense - I wouldn't want my baby to be taken to someone's place of work to be passed around, either. Although, in regards to your other point, if my paid sitter took my child somewhere without my knowledge, I'd be mad, but not if my mom or MIL did while they were watching one of them - apples and oranges.

 

[justhat]

And to the other PP- she worked at Wal Mart.. Thats why I didnt want her taking him there in the middle of flu season where everyone could touch all over him. Thats why!!!!

I can get that, but you know how grandmas just love to show off their new grandbabies. She probably didn't even think twice about the germs, just wanted to show everyone the cute baby in her life.

 

[crisi]

BTW, the way to stop is to find other arrangements and if your mother in law says anything say "oh, we were leaning on you SO much....we really appreciate all you've done for us, we just felt like it was too much."

i.e. you lie through your teeth. You say the things that make them think you are thinking about them. You don't bring up the "you don't take care of my child the way I want" and instead you make it about "its so inconvienent for you to have to drop everything."

Then you find other ways to spend time with your daughter's grandparents and husband's parents where you control the setting a little better.

IF you can pull this off with some skill, people will think you are thoughtful and considerate. It becomes "she always hosts" when really its about you like your house best and want to control the menu. It becomes "she always takes care of the planning" when really you just want to make sure the days schedule includes only the activities you approve of. You are just being manipulative, but if you do it right, you can become beloved for it. But it does take some skill. It takes the ability to sound sincere. AND you cannot fly off the handle, or complain to your husband, when some small thing falls outside of your control - or your cover of being thoughtful is blown. AND you really have to try to think about THEM - you have to spin your wants into "what is in it for them." If its all about you, people will see right through it.

i.e. when we took my mother in law to Disney, I knew she liked to sleep in. And I knew we liked to be at rope drop. So instead of browbeating her into early mornings, and instead of making myself angry by missing out because she slept in, I said - oh so sweetly - "I know you like to sleep in and we get an early start at Disney....so here is the park we are going to be at, and our cell phone number, and where to catch the bus...and we'll meet you later!"

 

[RitaE]

I often in my head play this game called "Somewhere On Another Message Board" This is what I imagine to be today's entry of Somewhere on Another Message Board:

"Vent: Son and DIL NEVER Grateful!"

Late Friday evening I got a phone call from my son. Their old car had broken down and they'd decided that they HAD to buy a new one Saturday afternoon. They'd already pretty much decided what they wanted to buy and just needed to go sign the papers. They didn't want to drag their baby along and wanted me to babysit.

Well! I had a whole bunch of stuff I needed to do Saturday but I went ahead and agreed to help them out. They brought the baby over and I packed her into my car and went to pick up my prescriptions and then I drove some books I needed to drop off over to my Daughter's house.

Well! My Daughter In Law found out about this and went off on another huge rant on how she doesn't give me permission to take her baby anywhere without approval and especially not over to my daughter's house. She thinks it's too dirty and they aren't the kind of people she wants her daughter to be around. I admit, my daughter's house is messier than I like but I watch the baby really carefully while we are there and to tell you the truth - I needed to do my errands. It was the only day I had available this week. I have a life too, I can't just drop everything all the time to be their on call childcare. And I'm not even going to touch little Miss High and Mighties belief that she's so much better than our family. Then she screams at me that being allowed to babysit for her is a privilege and if I don't behave she'll remove the baby from my life!!!!!

I've about had it. I love my son, I love my granddaughter - heck I have my problems with my daughter in law but I do appreciate that she's given me a lovely grandbaby! But I can't keep constantly rearranging my day to do favors for them and then get nothing but grief over how I do it all wrong!!!!

If she doesn't trust me to watch the baby then WHY does she keep calling me to watch the baby????? She keeps telling me that her Mother would do it better, but I sure as heck don't see her Mother agreeing to make constant 4 hour roundtrip car drives to be at her beck and call.

I've tried to talk to my son about this but I don't think he wants to get into the middle.

 

[tlbwriter]

This part does make sense - I wouldn't want my baby to be taken to someone's place of work to be passed around, either. Although, in regards to your other point, if my paid sitter took my child somewhere without my knowledge, I'd be mad, but not if my mom or MIL did while they were watching one of them - apples and oranges.

Really? If you didn't want your mom or MIL to take your baby to their workplace to get passed around, and they did it anyway, you wouldn't be mad?

 

[ols386]

And to the other PP- she worked at Wal Mart.. Thats why I didnt want her taking him there in the middle of flu season where everyone could touch all over him. Thats why!!!!

Sorry, I was just curious.

 

[justhat]

Really? If you didn't want your mom or MIL to take your baby to their workplace to get passed around, and they did it anyway, you wouldn't be mad?

I know you didn't quote me on this, but no, I wouldn't be mad if it were my mom or MIL. Maybe because we don't live near either of them so I know they want to show them off to their friends when they get the chance, but it wouldn't bother me.

In fact, 1.5 weeks ago was our youngest daughter's baptism. Now, she was almost a year old at the time because we moved across the country last year and couldn't get back to baptize her (we wanted to do it where my family is). But even so, my MIL passed her around to everyone, and people in my family and my mom's friends were dying to get their hands on her too. They don't see her often so this was their chance. And I gladly let her grandmothers show her off to whomever they wanted because it makes them happy and won't really hurt her. Yes, she could get sick (and she did! she actually came down with a nasty cold a few days later, but who knows who or where she got it), but even my husband who is a germophobe and a physician, was okay with random people holding her.

 

[luvsJack]

I often in my head play this game called "Somewhere On Another Message Board" This is what I imagine to be today's entry of Somewhere on Another Message Board:

Love it! but very well said and could be exactly what her mil is thinking!

 

[tlbwriter]

I know you didn't quote me on this, but no, I wouldn't be mad if it were my mom or MIL. Maybe because we don't live near either of them so I know they want to show them off to their friends when they get the chance, but it wouldn't bother me.

In fact, 1.5 weeks ago was our youngest daughter's baptism. Now, she was almost a year old at the time because we moved across the country last year and couldn't get back to baptize her (we wanted to do it where my family is). But even so, my MIL passed her around to everyone, and people in my family and my mom's friends were dying to get their hands on her too. They don't see her often so this was their chance. And I gladly let her grandmothers show her off to whomever they wanted because it makes them happy and won't really hurt her. Yes, she could get sick (and she did! she actually came down with a nasty cold a few days later, but who knows who or where she got it), but even my husband who is a germophobe and a physician, was okay with random people holding her.

Okay, we're not really talking about the same thing. To me, the key is that she didn't want the baby taken to the workplace. In your scenario, you say you didn't care, so that's not really the same thing. So can you think of something that you wouldn't want your MIL or mother to do with your baby? Not anything dangerous, but something a little annoying? Maybe forcing the baby to skip a nap, or letting her sleep too long, so you'd have to deal with the consequences when you got home? Would you be angry if Grandma knew you didn't want her to do that, and she did it anyway?

 

[ols386]

Okay, we're not really talking about the same thing. To me, the key is that she didn't want the baby taken to the workplace. In your scenario, you say you didn't care, so that's not really the same thing. So can you think of something that you wouldn't want your MIL or mother to do with your baby? Not anything dangerous, but something a little annoying? Maybe forcing the baby to skip a nap, or letting her sleep too long, so you'd have to deal with the consequences when you got home? Would you be angry if Grandma knew you didn't want her to do that, and she did it anyway?[/B]

For me personally, I might be irritated about something like this, but angry no. Would I let it keep me from letting Grandma babysit now and again, absolutely not.

 

[Hannathy]

Really? If you didn't want your mom or MIL to take your baby to their workplace to get passed around, and they did it anyway, you wouldn't be mad?

It wouldn't have bothered me a bit. Didn't I see the baby in question was 3 months? that is plenty old enough to be taken somewhere.

first of all I never forbid my MIL or my Mother to take the kids anywhere or do anything with them.

I can just imagine how thrilled and proud she was to be showing off her grandchild that to me would be priceless.

 

[justhat]

Okay, we're not really talking about the same thing. To me, the key is that she didn't want the baby taken to the workplace. In your scenario, you say you didn't care, so that's not really the same thing. So can you think of something that you wouldn't want your MIL or mother to do with your baby? Not anything dangerous, but something a little annoying? Maybe forcing the baby to skip a nap, or letting her sleep too long, so you'd have to deal with the consequences when you got home? Would you be angry if Grandma knew you didn't want her to do that, and she did it anyway?

Hahaha! That happens ALL THE TIME with my mom and my MIL! They always want them to skip naps, go to bed later, stay out shopping, whatever. They have limited time with my kids so they want to maximize it, which is basically at the kid's expense because they are the ones who miss a nap, miss bedtime, etc. But I live with it. Am I thrilled? No. but in the grand scheme of things, will I really care if my baby missed a nap when she's graduating from college? Will the excessive candy she ate 1 day matter? Will the fact that 35 coworkers held her matter? No. Not at all. What will matter though is that my kids got to spend time with their grandparents and vice versa.

My mom lives for my kids, but she and I have a rocky relationship. I did have trouble micromanaging for awhile, but I have learned to let go. Nothing she does will kill, hurt, or in any way harm my kids. She loves them as much as I do and has their best interests at heart, even if sometimes their schedules are disrupted or something like that.

And FWIW, my youngest is very, very schedule dependent. She lives by her nap and bedtimes, so skipping them does a lot of damage! But she gets by and is fine in a day when she is back on track.

 

[Hannathy]

I often in my head play this game called "Somewhere On Another Message Board" This is what I imagine to be today's entry of Somewhere on Another Message Board:

I love it you got it spot on!!!!!


You just know that is what she is saying, writing or at least thinking.

 

[Leajess99]

Yes, those deadly car dealerships. First of all, I was responding to your post where you claimed it was hard to take children places and how your 8 year old got bored when you got your car fixed. Nowhere were germs discussed.

Second of all, taking a 1 year old to a public place is not going to kill her. By your logic, children should just not go out for any length of time because they may be exposed to germs. I do not subscribe to the notion that we need to keep children away from germs and in germ-free environments. Taking a child to a car dealership will not kill her. If the OPs kid was so sick that she couldn't be out in public, then she should not have been at MILs either.

Yes my 8 year old was bored but apparently you failed the reading comprehension part where I talked about the 2 to 2.5 year old that was there for at least 2 hours (not sure how much longer since when we left they were still there working on the paperwork). My 8 year old is better able to keep herself busy. Also, no way would I take an already sick 1 year old out to expose her to more germs. I have had 2 children with RSV with one having been hospitalized. A simple cold can turn into so much more so no a sick child should not be taken to a car dealership.

I give up because all the perfect people never want to take the time to understand anyone else's views.

Oh and for your information - how would you feel to get the call that your mother or mother in law took your child in her car and decided that the rules you have like using a car seat are not important so your child is dead?? Yeah, try explaining that one to the woman here whose young child was killed when a car hit her mother's car where the mother failed to place the child in a child restraint system. This was not the first mother I have known that complained about a mother or mother in law disregarding their requests by placing a child in danger.

OP- I would definitely find someone else to watch your child and not all grandparents disregard requests contrary to what many here have tried to say. I highly doubt their lives are quite so perfect. I would definitely avoid asking mother in law to watch your child or do anything for you.