Advice needed: How do I say this nicely?

[ols386]

I know what you mean.. My MIL is the same exact way.. I never let her keep our son anymore because of it.. When he was like 3 months old, she kept him and accidentally told me that night that she had taken him to Wal Mart and I had to tell her that in the future- please ask before you take him places without me knowing.. Especially when he is an infant and you are taking him out in the public where everyone can touch all over him.. UGH

Was he in some kind of danger by her taking him to Walmart?

 

[Nancyg56]

And clearly you are way to involved with this thread. Move on please. I always win because she is my child.

You know, I have never posted on any of the other rediculous rants you have started. I have read them and was appalled that you would begrudge another's pregnancy because your DD deserved all of the attention and have found that you remind me of one selfish bride I knew who was furious because the two liitle flower girls in her wedding party got attention and the big day was all about her.

Now this is a message board and you have opened a thread in which you do not like the responsses that your whining has generated so you have are in a bit of a snit. I get that, however once you start a thread you do not get to pick and choose who posts. For that you need to whine to your friends who will always agree with you...............at least to your face.

I have not been the least bit disrespectful or discourteous. It is not my style. I also never throw temper tantrums and I will never start something I cannot finish.

No one is saying she isn't her grandmother but that doesn't not give her the right to do whatever she wants with her. She has another grandmother so she wouldn't be missing love or a happy relationship.

How sad is this? My first huusband died leaving me with three babies. My beloved MIL was terrified that I would feel teh same as you do. I had an entire family who loved my children but I felt that my husbands family would love my kids too and they would never have too much of that.


I will not pretend that it was all sunshine and roses, their way was different from mine. Not wrong............just different. I was willing to compromise and make sure that the kids benefitted fro all of that love they had to share. When you decise that your husband's family has nothing to offer your children becasue you have your Mom......those kids lose. You win but your children lose. In teh end you win the battle but the children lose teh war. Not to mention what happens if your husband decides that you are not worth the stress that all this confromtation creates. Not saying that will happen but you should be aware tht you would not be the first high maintenance wife who finds herself fighting for weekends and holidays.

 

[Ariel8676]

Next time just take her with you...i had all 4 of mine with us when we bought a new car...

 

[mdsoccermom]

I know what you mean.. My MIL is the same exact way.. I never let her keep our son anymore because of it.. When he was like 3 months old, she kept him and accidentally told me that night that she had taken him to Wal Mart and I had to tell her that in the future- please ask before you take him places without me knowing.. Especially when he is an infant and you are taking him out in the public where everyone can touch all over him.. UGH

Let me ask you this. When your MIL had him, did you give her a car seat to use? If so, then she probably thought it would be ok to take the baby to Wal-Mart.

What's wrong with taking an infant to Wal-Mart? Did you never take your baby out in public? I find it hard to believe that everyone in Wal-Mart wanted to touch him.

 

[crisi]

Next time just take her with you...i had all 4 of mine with us when we bought a new car...

Or if you know what you want, call and have the dealership deliver it. We've done that a few times now - they bring the car and all the paperwork - and either drive off in our trade in or bring a spare car/extra driver.

 

[sam_gordon]

I might have either missed this or forgotten...

OP, did you ever tell MiL WHY you didn't want DD at her cousins? Or simply "don't take her there"?

I'm just wondering if you didn't explain the WHY, if MiL thought you were off your rocker and didn't see any harm in DD visiting husband's family.

Assuming your description of SiL's house is accurate (animal feces all over the place & marijuana growing in the basement), I understand why you don't want your DD there. I'd just like to know if you explained that to MiL.

 

[Queen2PrincessG]

I might have either missed this or forgotten...

OP, did you ever tell MiL WHY you didn't want DD at her cousins? Or simply "don't take her there"?

I'm just wondering if you didn't explain the WHY, if MiL thought you were off your rocker and didn't see any harm in DD visiting husband's family.

Assuming your description of SiL's house is accurate (animal feces all over the place & marijuana growing in the basement), I understand why you don't want your DD there. I'd just like to know if you explained that to MiL.

No, I've never said why. DH has threatened to call CPS about the weed but either MIL does this face, leg slap, head to the side thing and he shuts up or she says I know, I know.

 

[Hannathy]

I might have either missed this or forgotten...

OP, did you ever tell MiL WHY you didn't want DD at her cousins? Or simply "don't take her there"?

I'm just wondering if you didn't explain the WHY, if MiL thought you were off your rocker and didn't see any harm in DD visiting husband's family.

Assuming your description of SiL's house is accurate (animal feces all over the place & marijuana growing in the basement), I understand why you don't want your DD there. I'd just like to know if you explained that to MiL.

And I find it hard to believe that a Dentist well versed in hygiene and germ theory! would take a child to a house that was that dirty. Me thinks the OP exaggerates wildly. Also I doubt a professional would put their licenses in jeopardy in case of a police raid by being in a house that is growing,using or selling drugs.

I hope the OP remembers a few things one if they split the Dad will have the child and guess what he may even let her princess (God I hate that term) spend the night over there!!!!
And someday she may be a grandmother and heaven forbid a MIL so I hope she remembers how she treated hers and doesn't mind when her precious princess treats her the same way.

 

[kwitcherkicken99]

I defended OP early on but the more I'm reading I'm realizing there are deeper issues here.

You have NO idea...

I have read them and was appalled that you would begrudge another's pregnancy because your DD deserved all of the attention...

Don't forget the aforementioned (SEVERAL TIMES) birthday party debacle, and what was last week's rant... oh yes , tacky 2nd shower invites...

Now this is a message board and you have opened a thread in which you do not like the responsses that your whining has generated so you have are in a bit of a snit. I get that, however once you start a thread you do not get to pick and choose who posts. For that you need to whine to your friends who will always agree with you...............at least to your face.

You win but your children lose. In teh end you win the battle but the children lose teh war. Not to mention what happens if your husband decides that you are not worth the stress that all this confromtation creates. Not saying that will happen but you should be aware tht you would not be the first high maintenance wife who finds herself fighting for weekends and holidays.

There are obvious communication issues here, but chances are, he can't get a word in edge-wise...

I might have either missed this or forgotten...

OP, did you ever tell MiL WHY you didn't want DD at her cousins? Or simply "don't take her there"?

She loathes, despises, and abominates DH's family. Period. They get in the way of her perfect happiness. EVERYTHING infringes upon her waking being.




OP, like I said last week, and I'll quote myself:

Ok, you are tormented by their existance... we get it. If they are such a source of pain, torture , and torment, call CPS for their neglect and cut them out of your life. Problem solved!

Frnkly you should stop spending so much energy on them. You are making yourself, and potentially others, miserable. They are not worth wallowing in the negativity.

 

[Queen2PrincessG]

And I find it hard to believe that a Dentist well versed in hygiene and germ theory! would take a child to a house that was that dirty. Me thinks the OP exaggerates wildly. Also I doubt a professional would put their licenses in jeopardy in case of a police raid by being in a house that is growing,using or selling drugs.

I hope the OP remembers a few things one if they split the Dad will have the child and guess what he may even let her princess (God I hate that term) spend the night over there!!!!
And someday she may be a grandmother and heaven forbid a MIL so I hope she remembers how she treated hers and doesn't mind when her precious princess treats her the same way.

Oh dear god give it a rest. I think you're being dramatic. Police Raids? if the police raided everyone who sold and grew drugs in their homes they would never get to do anything else. Many "professionals" have secrets and family that do inappropriate things. To think that because they are professionals they are squeaky clean is naive.

 

[Colleen27]

I'm not sure if it was edited out but I've said BIL grows pot in the basement. MIL looks over it.
As for researching, OBVIOUSLY! I looked and found exactly what I wanted it was 45min away but it was what I needed and wanted.

I guess I'm just more laid-back. To me, that would be ample reason not to leave my child in BIL/SIL's care, but I don't see how it poses any danger in the context provided - short visit with a responsible adult supervising. Family, in my opinion, is worth overlooking some shortcomings. It is where we learn our first lessons about accepting people even when they aren't perfect or making choices that are just like ours. Clearly you don't agree when it comes to your husband's side, and I have to wonder why you would marry someone who comes from a family that you so clearly consider inferior and unacceptable.

 

[sam_gordon]

No, I've never said why. DH has threatened to call CPS about the weed but either MIL does this face, leg slap, head to the side thing and he shuts up or she says I know, I know.

You don't think that kind of "request" deserves an explanation? "Hey, MiL, can you watch DD for 4 hours? Great. Don't take her to SiL's. Thanks. Bye".

 

[Queen2PrincessG]

You don't think that kind of "request" deserves an explanation? "Hey, MiL, can you watch DD for 4 hours? Great. Don't take her to SiL's. Thanks. Bye".

I guess I assumed she would know why. I mean I discuss how unsanitary the house is and her excuse is well you know she has to take care of *nephew* all day she has not time really.

 

[Colleen27]

And I find it hard to believe that a Dentist well versed in hygiene and germ theory! would take a child to a house that was that dirty. Me thinks the OP exaggerates wildly. Also I doubt a professional would put their licenses in jeopardy in case of a police raid by being in a house that is growing,using or selling drugs.

I agree. After the rant about how the horrible BIL hates her, and the jealousy over the SIL having a girl to steal the spotlight from her own little princess, and the rant about second showers that is presumably related to the SIL's pregnancy, it seems to me that her mind is made up about her husband's family and that she's only interested in facts and perceptions that justify her feelings.

 

[justhat]

And I find it hard to believe that a Dentist well versed in hygiene and germ theory! would take a child to a house that was that dirty. Me thinks the OP exaggerates wildly. Also I doubt a professional would put their licenses in jeopardy in case of a police raid by being in a house that is growing,using or selling drugs.

I agree. Not to mention, would the MIL at the very least try to clean up a bit when she visits? At least pick up the animal feces? I know when both my mom and MIL would at least do that for me. I can only imagine, if I had a ton of animal feces laying around our house, not only would they clean up, but they would most definitely try to help me as clearly I would have some mental issues. And if I were also growing weed, then stepping in wouldn't even be a question. There's just no way that they would let their grandkids live in such a horribly unsafe environment.

And the MIL is a dentist, right? So even if she doesn't want to clean the house herself, she could afford to hire a cleaning service for her son and his family.



But, somewhat more importantly, if my SIL or BIL were raising their kids in a home like this, I personally would be on the phone with CPS. I most certainly would not sit back and watch while my husband did nothing when a little boy (and I guess a baby girl on the way) is living in danger. Not only could the little boy pick up a disease, or get hold of some pot, but the pregnant mom could get toxoplasmosis from the feces all over, thereby harming the unborn baby. And that seems horribly cruel for me to sit and accept. I love my nieces and nephews far, far too much to ever watch them live in such squalor. Actually, if I lived closer, I would offer to help them clean up first. And if they refused or the house went back to a stye, then I would call CPS without hesitation. And if my husband got mad that I reported his sister or brother, or MIL got mad at me, then so be it. But no way would I allow strange kids to live like that, let alone kids I love and care about.

 

[SaraJayne]

Oh dear god give it a rest. I think you're being dramatic. Police Raids? if the police raided everyone who sold and grew drugs in their homes they would never get to do anything else. Many "professionals" have secrets and family that do inappropriate things. To think that because they are professionals they are squeaky clean is naive.

I'm just wondering what other "tidbits" you're going to throw in (ie make up) for effect in later posts...since only a couple people in the entire thread agree with your superior attitude.

Most people have no problems seeing right through you.

 

[sam_gordon]

I guess I assumed she would know why. I mean I discuss how unsanitary the house is and her excuse is well you know she has to take care of *nephew* all day she has not time really.

You know what happens when you assume. Apparently MiL doesn't feel SiL's house is unsanitary "enough" to keep DD away. You disagree with that, which is fine.

Can I also suggest a sit down discussion with MiL? Take her (and DD) to lunch. Talk about your concerns.

I do agree you're showing signs of being "that parent" that could have bad implications for DD later in life. I suggest going back and reading this thread as an outsider and look at how you're presenting yourself.

As much as all parents would like to, we can't protect our children from EVERYTHING that might harm them. Sometimes they need to get burned to learn the stove is hot. If you take care of every need for DD, she won't learn how to take care of herself. This isn't such a big deal at her age, but in the next couple years she'll start relying on your more and more if you keep coddling her. That's not necessarily a good thing for when DD starts school.

 

[iheartnmr's]

Police raid Home Grow Op's all the time sweetheart. They don't last long because power companies are trained to look for electricity usage far above normal household limits. SO yeah, it's completely plausible that if he IS really growing weed in his basement, he WILL get caught and there WILL be a raid.

However, I don't believe he does, nor that they live in cat and dog crap on the floors so it's really a mute point.

 

[Mkrop]

And clearly you are way to involved with this thread. Move on please. I always win because she is my child.

Is this a game? It shouldnt be, this is about the relationship btw you and your MIL, your DH and his mom, and your DD and her grandmother. There should not be any winners but it sounds like there will be many people losing out on important relationships.

And you dont get to decide everything either, your DH has a say too, that is his child too.

 

[Scurvy]

But, somewhat more importantly, if my SIL or BIL were raising their kids in a home like this, I personally would be on the phone with CPS. I most certainly would not sit back and watch while my husband did nothing when a little boy (and I guess a baby girl on the way) is living in danger. Not only could the little boy pick up a disease, or get hold of some pot, but the pregnant mom could get toxoplasmosis from the feces all over, thereby harming the unborn baby. And that seems horribly cruel for me to sit and accept. I love my nieces and nephews far, far too much to ever watch them live in such squalor. Actually, if I lived closer, I would offer to help them clean up first. And if they refused or the house went back to a stye, then I would call CPS without hesitation. And if my husband got mad that I reported his sister or brother, or MIL got mad at me, then so be it. But no way would I allow strange kids to live like that, let alone kids I love and care about.

I agree 100%. And frankly, if I was in that sort of situation and my husband did get mad that I reported them, I'd be taking a long hard look at my marriage because there's no way I could stay married to someone who cares so little for his niece and nephew that he would let them live in such horrible conditions. I don't think any decent person would knowingly allow children to remain in a filthy, feces filled drug house if there's any way at all that they can improve the conditions for the children - even if that means reporting the parents to CPS.