Advice for travelling with a reluctant 14 yo

[Marseeya]

Let me just start by saying that leaving him behind is not an option.

My 14 yo ds has ADHD and a behavior disorder -- he's a handful. He's angry and sullen all the time. He hates new experiences and doesn't adapt well to change at all.

That said, he's pretty upset about this upcoming trip to WDW. He's absolutely terrified to fly, so to make it easier on him, I'm pushing the drive. But 16 hours in a car with him. Oy! I'll be taking along my laptop with games loaded, and I'll probably buy an extra little DVD player for my 9 yo dd so they can keep themselves entertained.

He's really angry about this trip. I'm so afraid he's going to ruin it for us, and with all this money we're spending... it's our one big vacation ever. We're planning to stay at AKL, which I think he'll enjoy because he does like the zoo. He's not all that fond of amusement parks, but he seems to have fun at smaller ones.

Every time I talk about the planning, he'll interject with "that's stupid" or "that sucks" and it's really starting to be difficult to keep up the positive attitude around him, although I keep smiling and saying how great it's all going to be when he's around -- I'm trying to set up a good expectation. His idea of a fun vacation is just going to the beach. Which IS a great vacation, but that's not what we're doing other than maybe heading to the gulf coast for a day.

I guess this is turning into more of a vent than anything, so I'll get to the point!

What can I do to make this trip fun for him and bearable for all of us? Should we just let him wander the parks alone as much as he wants? I'm very leary of leaving him behind at the hotel to swim or stay in the room, but is it something I should consider? If there were the slightest possibility of taking along a friend for him, we would, but we only have a car and there's just no space.

Can any of you relate or help me out?

 

[F1Julie]

How would you and your son feel about him staying home? If he doesn't want to go, I wouldn't make him. If he's made up his mind that the trip is stupid, he's not going to have any fun and he's going to make it difficult for everyone else. Is there someone he could stay with, a friend or relative?

 

[Marseeya]

No, there's no leaving him behind, unfortunately. He only recently made friends with some decent kids, so we don't know them well enough to even approach the question of letting him stay there. I have family here, but my mother is ill and can't handle a teen in her house, and I can't ask anyone else because of his behavior.

This might sound bad to those who don't have to deal with a child with a behavior disorder, but I'm going to be taking him to a new psychiatrist, so I'm hoping that maybe we can get him on some meds that will stabilize his moods although I'm not counting on it.

If that doesn't work, maybe we can get some valium for hubby and me

 

[lovethattink]

We have PAP's. DS complains all the time about going to the parks. But once we get him there, he doesn't want to leave. Whether we are going for a couple hours after school or spending a weekend, I set ground rules before we go. Since I know that he loves to swim, rollercoasters, and eat, I make sure he gets to do these things. We have a decade of age difference between the children. He hates to do the "baby" stuff. Since this is family time, he knows we will be doing things as a family. I make sure he knows that I understand how he feels, since I had a younger sibling growing up. He always suggests that he'd rather sit on a bench than go watch Bear in the Big Blue house. Then I remind him, that he can stand in the back and just cool off in the air conditioning. When it's time for a roller coaster or height restriction ride, I make sure to announce that now it's big brother's turn to go on a "big" ride. We do a baby swap, and big brother gets a bonus...he gets to ride it twice, once with mom then with dad. The other thing we are having trouble with right now are the characters. He's too big and cool to greet characters...or so he thinks. So rather than force him to stand with the characters, he takes the pictures and we take the baby to see the character. Every now and then he surprises us and asks us to take a picture of him with a character...usually Chip and Dale or Stitch. We make sure we eat one meal at a place he wants to eat. We make sure he has a few hours a day at the pool.

Here are some things that he likes to do at the parks. At MK he loves the quarter, dime and penny machines in the sport store. So he brings some change with him to play. He likes to play checkers and there are some checker tables on Main st. and at Tom Sawyer Island, so we have to take the time to play a game of checkers. He loves the Buzz ride.

At Epcot he loves to do the fire prevention game and fantastic plastics. One is at Innovention east the other on the west. At China, he loves to watch the chinese acrobats. Most of the attractions in Future World have some type of games afterward. He loves to play those. Mission Space is his favorite!! He's gone on this by himself a couple times because it's just too intense for us. He loves to spin...we don't. He loves to go around the countries, but hates the movies, so we skip the movies. (Unless the baby needs to nurse, the movies at France and american Adventure are just long enough for me to nurse.)

At MGM---the only things he likes here are Millionaire, Muppets, Indiana Jones and Rock n Roller. We usually don't spend a day here. Going to Beauty and Beast, Bear in the Big Blue House, and the little mermaid are shear torture for him. He use to like Hunchback, but they discontinued that. He use to like Doug Live, but that also was discontinued.

At Animal Kingdom, he likes all the attractions.

 

[crisi]

Does he enjoy a gameboy? A lot of parents with problem kids get a relief (and the kids get some "time") with a gameboy.

I'd be hesitant to let a 14 year old with behavior issues run the theme parks alone on his first WDW trip. Or stay in the hotel. But it depends, I suppose, on the nature of his behavior issues. If behavior issues means "immediately finding a pack of misbehaving teens roving the park and disturbing other guests and doing who knows what" - no way! If behavior issues means "not really capable of taking care of himself and getting lost, or not having the sense not to go to a different park, or not meeting up with you" - no way! If behavior issues means he is likely to be sullen in your company or simply roam around the park on his own, doing what interesting him - possibly having a good time but never letting you know that, then meeting up with you later - probably.

 

[dtsaos]

I noticed that you're staying at AKL, maybe you should consider staying at a resort that has a beach instead-I mean he may like animals, but how many teenagers are really that into zoos and how long will the initial thrill of the animals really last? I say if he likes hanging out at the beach, get a resort that has a beach (okay I know it's not exactly the same as the ocean) and let him hang there all day if he wants to. Maybe let him help decide where to stay to a certain extent. Set him up with a certain amount of money to eat and stuff and just let him be. Of course always invite him to come along in whatever you do, but don't force it-he'll only feel angry that he has to go to the parks if he's not into it. Not everybody loves the parks all the time and that's okay. Just let him vacation the way he wants to when you're there and I think you'll all have a decent time.
...Unless of course he's the type that will get into trouble no matter where he is if he's left on his own-now that's another story, and I don't have a solution if that's the case....

Good Luck!

 

[EthansMom]

I don't know if this will work, but have you tried asking your son what he wants to do at Disney World? Check out a few of the planning books from your local library and also look at http://www.disneyworld.com to find out all about the rides and attractions at each park. Let him know that he can make some decisions about what he wants to do, where he wants to eat, etc... It may hlp him to feel more in control of the situation.

It may be that your son feels DisneyWorld is for "babies". If you only have the 14 and 9 year old, you can probably skip most of the "baby" rides and shows.

DisneyQuest (large arcade at Downtown Disney) which will probably appeal to both of your sons. It costs a little bit, but if your boys like video games, it can be worth hours of entertainment. A day at one of the water parks is also a nice break in the middle of a vacation. And sometimes it's just nice to spend the afternoon by the hotel pool.

Even though he's 14, I wouldn't let a child with behaviour disorders off on his own at WDW. You don't mention if your spouse or other adult is going also, but if so, perhaps your son could go off with just one adult for part of the time?

I hope this helps!

EthansMom

 

[ducklite]

I feel your pain.

I was in a similar situation with my son. Part of it is just the age, at 14 they don't know if they are a foot or horseback--it WILL get easier, I promise!!!!!!!!!! Around 17-18 they change for the better. Now my son is pretty mellow and generally good natured, and a lot of the anger is gone.

At any rate, I'd first sit down calmly with him and ask him what he'd like to do. Let him take part in the planning, and go along with some of his suggestions, even if they aren't really your cup of tea. Maybe take him out for ice cream or something so he doesn't have distractions while you are trying to talk to him.

At 14 I'd give him a little freedom, but not total. Maybe you all go to a park together but let him have an hour or two at a time to do his thing and then meet back up at a designated spot. Make clear in advance the repurcussions for being late, I've gone as far as writing a contract!

Offer something enticing like a visit to Disney Quest, as an FYI an annual pass for that place is not too expensive and you might use that as a bribe--he can go there every night, or every other night if he participates in family activities.

Let him have one or two mornings to sleep in if he likes to do that. We often would let our DS sleep in then go to the pool for the day. Made him happy, no arguments, it's his vacation too. As far as the pool, I let my son go alone at 14. There are lifeguards, and he's a decent swimmer. He would just go down the slide over and over--gets me dizzy thinking about it!

Let him choose some of the restaurants. And if he wants to eat nothing but hot dogs for lunch every day, let him, but let him know that the rest of the family will be eating at "X". Let him know that you're willing to be flexible, but there will be ground rules.

It sounds like maybe he's feeling left out of the planning process, and that might help a bit. Or maybe you're talking about nothing else and he's over loaded and shutting you out in his way?

As far as fear of flying, speak to hi Dr. about it, perhaps Xanax or similar could be prescribed.

Let me know if there's anything specific I can help with!

Anne

 

[Lesli54]

At the bookstore you can buy Birnbaum's 2005 Walt Disney World book. It has descriptions of attractions (broken down by park), as well as info on other entertainment, places to eat, stay, etc.

Our first year, we traveled with a 14, 12 and 4 year old. Although, I don't have to deal with the medical problem you are dealing with, a 14 year old with attitude can always bum you out. We had the older two look through the book (comes out every year) or read descriptions to them and had them pick two things in each park that we were visiting that they wanted to see or do. Then we made a point to do those things at some point in the first part of the day. After that, anything else we did would be a bonus. Of course, traveling with a younger one, we made sure that everyone knew there would be times when that would only appeal to the youngest and times that would only appeal to the oldest.

If your son likes movies and behind the scenes stunt actions, then take him to the Backstage Tours attraction at MGM. It is really neat for everyone. Also, take the Star Wars tour. Mine loved the Tower of Terror and want me to do it this year.

Let him earn some spending money before the trip so that he can buy some souvenirs that he likes. If he likes "penny presses" (many age levels like these) then bring along extra change and let him start a collection from the different presses. My kids still enjoy this and there are tons of presses through out the parks and resorts.

Part of Epcot would probably be of interest to him, but the World Showcase may not. Although, if there is a country that he thinks is really neat, then make sure you visit it, because then he can see the different style of buildings representing that country, try the food, and look at the different merchandise. While in Epcot, let him do the Test Track. Also, the Imagination area. There are alot of neat inventions here and hands on.

I believe that most of the resorts have a video arcade that might be of interest to him. If you are interested, you can also do a day at one of the water parks (costs extra, but can be added to your tickets.)

We stayed at the Beach Club and are going back. The pool area there is like a mini water park and is enjoyed by the all ages. I am not sure what the pool is like at the AKL. We also made a point to do the parks in the morning and late afternoon/evening. During the mid afternoon, we would go back to the resort and let everyone relax, recoup, and swim. (Park hopper tickets are great!) That way we weren't overtired and the kids were guaranteed some swim time. If your son likes fireworks, you will want to be in the parks in the evening. And each park has different firework displays.

My guess is that once he gets there, his attitude will lessen some when he realizes that there is a lot to do for kids his age and that Disney is not just for little kids. I have some friends that deal with the same problem you do and checking into different meds may help as well. Especially with such a long trip ahead of you. Oh yeah! If your son likes camping, maybe you can look into staying in a cabin at a KOA on your 16 hr drive instead of in a hotel room.

Good luck and think positively and you will all have a better time than you thought.

 

[jckdisneybound]

I know it may be costly, but if you guys do drive down is there anyway he can bring a friend with him? Really at that poing you are looking at the cost of park tickets and food. Maybe that way it will give him something to look forward to, and will feel a little "cooler" not having to be with just his parents all the time.

 

[Marseeya]

Thank you so much for your replies! I can't tell you how helpful it is. Just to answer some individually:

lovethatink: I love your tips. How old is your ds? That is exactly the kind of thing I'm hoping will work out for us, making it a family thing and taking time for both kids without making one of them feel left out.

crisi: His behavior problem is more of a huge attitude and mouthiness rather than what you've described. He's actually a responsible kid and so far (knock on wood) doesn't run wild or get into that kind of trouble. He has a lot of common sense, but he has a lot of anger that he takes out on the family. He wouldn't hesitate to spend a day sulking and being nasty to us, but I could trust him to go off on his own.

dtsaos: Nice idea! I like the beach resort too, so I'll have to involve him in the decision and see which he'd prefer. Although if we're staying at one resort, isn't it an option to go hang out at another for an afternoon or two?

Ethansmom: I'll have to check into DisneyQuest, I don't know anything about it. My other child is a very feminine immature girly girl, so there's not a whole lot they'll have in common at the parks. Splitting up is an option, but I wouldn't want to do it a lot. Thanks!

ducklite: It's so good to hear from someone who can relate! One thing about my son is he resists everything we want to do -- one time he had a fit when we wanted to visit a candy store Many times, he throws a fit about doing something, then when we get there he loves it. He just wants a familiar environment. However, it doesn't always work that way. Sometimes he'll like it, then other times he'll make our experience miserable. Please tell me that Disney can charm anyone, LOL. How much freedom did you give your son at that age? Would you have allowed him to stay a little later in the hotel, then meet up with you by riding a bus? Or is the transportation system too confusing?

Lesli54: Thanks for the age level ideas! I'll have to look into that KOA idea. I hadn't thought of it, but I bet it would be fun for all of us.

I don't know if I replied properly, but I did want to respond to everyone who helped.

 

[Marseeya]

I know it may be costly, but if you guys do drive down is there anyway he can bring a friend with him? Really at that poing you are looking at the cost of park tickets and food. Maybe that way it will give him something to look forward to, and will feel a little "cooler" not having to be with just his parents all the time.

It's a possibility, although we'd have to rent a mini-van at that point. We drive a Grand Am, and two adult-sized boys and one tall girl in the backseat wouldn't work! I'll have to bring it up to my husband. Thanks.

 

[dtsaos]

Marseeya,
very nice of you to respond individually to everyone . Just wanted to let you know, that pool hopping (i.e. staying at one resort and using the pool at another) is usually not allowed from what I understand. There are certain resorts like POR & POFQ which allow it between the both of them and at the All Star resorts you can pool hop too, but I don't believe that it's okay to do so at most of the other resorts. If you post a thread on the resort forum, I bet you'll get a lot of experts who can help you out with that question for sure.
Another idea for your son, why not get him into the Dis boards-seriously, I have yet to meet a teenager who doesn't enjoy the internet and there is a teen forum on here. I bet that'd get him really into Disney! Also, have you considered spending some time at Universal, a lot of older kids and teens love it there and feel that it's less babyish than Disney. I personally love the feel and look of Disney, but I like a lot of the Attractions at Universal better. There's a Universal forum on here too that he might enjoy.
I think the bottom line, is to let him feel like he's part of the decision making and has some say in what goes on as other posters have said, and I think that'll make a huge difference.

 

[Mama2jasminANDcaitie]

As the someone who grew up with a sibling with ADHD and extreme behavior problems I have to say this..MEDICATE MEDICATE MEDICATE and then...

TELL HIM WHAT HE WILL DO. AND STICK TO IT. You are his parent. And he is not the king of the world. If he doesnt want to do something. Tell him to bite his tounge and deal with it. You cant have your way all of the time. Life DOES suck sometimes. and things ARE stupid sometimes. But in order to become adults we HAVE to deal with it.

If he is ANYTHING like my sister he WILL pout and he WILL throw tantrums and he WILL make you miserable. IF you grant him the attention that he is desiring by doing those things. Take him along. drag him here and there... and IGNORE his behavior. When he realizes that he will catch more flies with honey than vinegar he will get on the disney world wagon.

 

[ducklite]

ducklite: It's so good to hear from someone who can relate! One thing about my son is he resists everything we want to do -- one time he had a fit when we wanted to visit a candy store

AHAHAHAHA!!!! Memories!! Yes, I can laugh about it now, but then, OY it wasn't funny!

Many times, he throws a fit about doing something, then when we get there he loves it. He just wants a familiar environment. However, it doesn't always work that way. Sometimes he'll like it, then other times he'll make our experience miserable. Please tell me that Disney can charm anyone, LOL.

Our son always had an absolute BLAST at WDW! Is this your son's first trip? When are you planning on going? If you'd like, I'll PM you my sons e-mail and they can chat a bit mano y mano and it might help.

How much freedom did you give your son at that age?

It varied by his mood. Generally a pretty tight leash, but I did let him off on his own. But it would be to a specific park or destination. We played it by ear day-to-day, and set limits.

Would you have allowed him to stay a little later in the hotel, then meet up with you by riding a bus? Or is the transportation system too confusing?

Yes, we did that sometimes, although he generally preferred just hanging around the resort all day and we'd meet him later in the afternoon when we came back before dinner. We pretty much stayed at the BW or BC during that point in time, where he could walk to Epcot or MGM, so that worked out well. He got really good at the transportation system, as he got older I let him start going to Disney Quest on his own in the evening. We only had one problem, last summer he went to the MK for the after hours thing where you bought a wristband and it was only open to WDW resort guests...anyhow, we were at the Polynesian, and the monorail broke. And he got a bit of a runaround as to how to get back, long story short a WDW bus driver dumped him in the parking lot at the TTC around 2:00am and told him to walk back to the resort. No, I wasn't a happy mom. That was an exception to the rule though.


Anne

 

[crisi]

If he is basically a responsible kid - just sullen - I probably would give him freedom. However, you are going to want to sell him on the idea that freedom comes with a price - he'll need a little preparation on things like the layout of the parks or the transportation system. At least the first few hours, I'd keep him with you while everyone "figures it out."

Y&BC is nice at that age - the pool is awesome, and he can walk to MGM or Epcot without needing to catch buses. With AKL he needs to catch a bus to go anywhere at all. The transporation system isn't bad - at least resort to park and park to resort.

 

[zurgswife]

Marseeya...I sent you a PM....

 

[Marseeya]

Thanks, Zurgswife, got it and responded.

Well, I started following the advice with him and tried to involve him in the planning. LOL! We gave him the choice of one of the beach resorts or AKL and he said, "They're all stupid. They're just hotels, I don't care." He said this even after I showed him pictures. Oh is he going to be in for a big surprise!

OMG, ducklite, what did you do when your son was dumped off like that? I think I would have had fits!

I'm liking the idea of taking a friend for him the more I think about it. I'm going to work on hubby for that one!

 

[MrsPete]

As a high school teacher, I can assure you that ALL 14-year old boys are sullen and moody at points! However, even with ADHD and behavior disorders, he should not be allowed to ruin your family's vacation or to use foul language like "that sucks".

I suspect his attitude towards the vacation has to do with his desire to look older and cooler, and he probably believes that DisneyWorld is all about riding carousels, skipping hand-in-hand with mommy, and getting big hugs from Mickey Mouse. We, of course, know that part of Disney exisits, but there are also other very grown-up parts too.

I think some other posters have given some great advice. I think moving to a beach-themed resort is probably the best idea of all. I'd suggest the Beach Club because it has the coolest pool on Disney property (it's called Stormalong Bay -- do a google search!). The Beach Club isn't cheap, but it's in the same ballpark as the Animal Kingdom Lodge. Also, at the Beach Club you can rent speedy little two-passenger boats called MouseBoats, and I believe 14-year olds can drive them alone (can anyone verify?). For about $200 you can get an all-you-want-to-drive-in-a-week family pass for these boats. I've never met a 14-year old boy yet who didn't want to drive something! The whole Beach-Club area would be great for teens; you can walk over to the Boardwalk in the evenings, and there's tons to see and do there. One final note on the Beach Club: Consider one of the villas (instead of a single room); you'd be able to cook, and you'd have more space, which might make life easier with a difficult teen.

If you decide against the Beach Club, the Dolphin or the Swan might be good choices. The pool isn't as cool but the price is lower; these resorts share the same location and many of the same good points. Another thing to consider: Concierge level isn't too expensive at the Dolphin/Swan resorts. He would probably think it was totally cool to have access to a special floor with snacky-goodies available "just for him" all day every day.

I also agree that a Gameboy and/or a Walkman can be "an escape" for a teen for a long car ride or in a shared hotel room. We have a portable DVD player, which is a wonderful thing in the car and in the hotel room.

Can a 14-year old do the Richard Petty Driving Experience?

Is he into sports? If so, there's the big sports center thing at Disney. Having only girls who don't care about sports, I don't know much about it myself.

I'd give the two kids a Disney guide book and have them each list their "top ten must-dos". That'd force him to realize that there's cool-teen stuff at Disney. Has he seen the Disney vacation video? If not, order one quick -- it's free.

 

[ducklite]

Mrs. Pete,
I have to respectfully disagree that the words "that sucks" would fit into foul language. Perhaps 20 years ago, but these days it's common vernacular. With the language I hear coming out of 14 year olds mouths these days, thta would be the least of my worries.

Anne