Advice for travelling with a reluctant 14 yo

[hannahouse]

My 14 yo ds has ADHD and a behavior disorder -- he's a handful. He's angry and sullen all the time. He hates new experiences and doesn't adapt well to change at all

I'm there with you - 14 and adhd. Bless your heart - we've actually entered a new, calmer spell lately, mainly to to medication adjustments. Most of the meds for adhd can cause extreme moodiness, and when coupled with the normal teen stuff (hormones, anyone ) it can cause a real mess. Speak with your physician about it. In our case, we started giving a small dose in the afternoon to counteract the "letdown" effect common with these medicines. It helped tremendously. It may even be necessary to do an antidepressant.

re vacation plans - I have 3 boys, and the 14 yo is the oldest. I have let each child decide on some aspect of the vacation, and overall everyone is pretty pleased... I must tell you though, it's a far cry from what I envisioned!
We were supposed to do a "Disney" vacation, and the reality is that we're not stepping foot in Disney. It's USO/IOA and Discovery Cove/Seaworld, with lots of down time! That's what they really wanted, and the vacation is really for them. I agree letting him help with the planning might make him feel like it's his vacation, also. As far as letting him off by himself, I would. Buy a 2 way radio, and split up! I don't know of any 14 yo boy who really likes hanging out with his parents, much less a little sister. Let him have his own kind of vacation - some freedom may make the time together a lot more enjoyable! I'd have a serious talk with him first, though. You agree to let him have some personal time on vacation, and he agrees to participate in things that are important to you as a family. Good luck - I hope it works out! Take heart - it does get better.

 

[mrsjar]

You have received some good advice so far. I just want to add that if you decide to bring a friend along that it might not be as comfortable in your room. Most hotels only sleep 4, not sure about Beach Club or AKL.

Also, instead of 2-way radios, you could consider getting a Tracfone for him. What 14 yr old wouldn't like a cell phone? If you visit tracfone.com, they usually run specials on refurbished phones with 100 mins. for 29.99.

Hope your trip goes well!

 

[Schmeck]

How about asking him why he feels this way? Ask him if he's nervous about the trip, worried about it, etc.

Is he going to be missing school during this trip? Maybe he's worried about falling behind in classes if he is. Perhaps his friends at school have given him a hard time about Disney?

Definitely set ground rules for the car ride and the vacation as a whole. To get him to refrain from sulking/mouthing off, how about giving him a certain amount of spending money, and then if he starts acting up, remove a specified amount from the envelope.

I work with students in our local high school with ADHD, behavior problems, and other learning disabilities. When they know what the consequences are for certain behaviors, and we stick to a set guideline for protocol, we have a much more calm, productive day.

 

[lovethattink]

Marseeya I sent you a PM.

 

[goofy!]

oops, deleted

 

[Marseeya]

You mentioned that your 9 year old is a feminine girly-girl. Having a 14 year old male myself, I know how their imaginations can run wild. Is it possible your 14 year old son is imagining a vacation filled with non-stop Princesses? We all know that WDW is much, much more than Belle, Cinderella, Snow White, etc. But for a 14 year old boy who has not been before, with a feminine sister, perhaps that is what he is dreading.

So, I am going to suggest something that is totally blasphemous on a Disney Board. Although our family loves all the parks in Orlando equally (just as you can love each kid, although different, equally ), my 14 year old prefers Universal, due to what he feels are "cooler" rides. He tolerates our stays at WDW because he is assured he gets his "Universal Fix." Perhaps it would be a possibility to venture to the dark side for a day or two?

There are a few reasons I suggest this. You said your son does better in smaller parks. USO may be a way to ease into the Orlando Theme Park adventure. The parks are much smaller, everything within walking distance to each other. If you stay at one of their resorts for one night, you get two days of FOTL (Front Of The Line) - basically a never expiring Fast Pass. Your room key is your Express Pass. You just go to any ride whenever you want and show them the room key and you are put into the Express line. We have never waited more than 10-15 minutes for any ride. So, you can sleep in and visit the parks at your leisure - no planning, no commando. The rides are pretty cool too. I hate to admit it, but my favorite ride in all of Orlando is Revenge of the Mummy (In Studios). Perhaps you could put him in charge of researching the possibility of visiting Universal.

Anyway - just a suggestion for looking outside the box.

Thanks for the advice! We'd love to spend some time at Universal and Sea World, so we're trying to make time for them in our trip. It's funny, though, when I was trying to figure out what character breakfasts we wanted to do and I mentioned two princess breakfasts and leaving my son and hubby to their own devices, they protested! Maybe they want to see some girls, heh.

 

[seashoreCM]

Somehow I do not feel that a boy with behavioral disorders should be allowed to go off on his own early on. If he has been on his own a lot before, then you may consider letting him go off during the second half of the vacation.

Given the behavioral disorder (I won't bother to ask what it is) you need to allow him to adjust to a strange surrounding. So allow extra time for the family's activities and getting from one place to another.

Disney hints:
http://members.aol.com/ajaynejr/family.htm

 

[minkydog]

I'd be hesitant to let a 14 year old with behavior issues run the theme parks alone on his first WDW trip. Or stay in the hotel. But it depends, I suppose, on the nature of his behavior issues. If behavior issues means "immediately finding a pack of misbehaving teens roving the park and disturbing other guests and doing who knows what" - no way! If behavior issues means "not really capable of taking care of himself and getting lost, or not having the sense not to go to a different park, or not meeting up with you" - no way! If behavior issues means he is likely to be sullen in your company or simply roam around the park on his own, doing what interesting him - possibly having a good time but never letting you know that, then meeting up with you later - probably.

This is my teen all over.

I have a DS18 who has ADD and bipolar. I feel your pain. Going on vacation with this kid I'd rather have my eyes poked with a stick.

As crisi mentioned, depending on what the behavior issues are you may or may not be able to give him some freedom. If he is just negative and oppositional(I know, just ) then you could probably give him a little freedom in the parks and let him carry a cellphone so you can keep in touch. That would give you all a break.Be sure you are making time for stuff he likes to do, not just "kid-stuff." If his behavior problems are serious (fire-starting, stealing, anger-control) then I would consider a different vacation. He would make you all miserable and you won't get a minute's rest. In a few years you can legitimately leave him at home.

The last time we went to WDW with my DS he had just turned 15. He complained non-stop until I lost my cool and sent him out of the park to settle down. He had a lovely day by himself, swimming, eating pizza and watching TV, which suited him just fine. Consider getting adjoining rooms, rather than all camping in the same room. There is not enough room in any hotel for you and a teenage boy who doesn't wanna be there.

 

[HopperFan]

I would really suggest you investigate an alternate hotel. We love AKL but our last trip our DS (15) was totally bored with it. He really was over the animals in a few minutes and the pool not very exciting for teens. Lots of young children all over. I think he got in once to cool off. He said he didn't like that there was no activity like boats, bikes or even a path where he could run. It wasn't walking distance to anything. While it is a beautiful hotel and we love it, the activity is severely restricted, and we have to consider that for future trips to keep the teen happy. I would also second you try to swing YC/BC. The pool alone should make him happy and he may meet lots of other teens if you don't bring a friend. He can walk over to Boardwalk, EPCOT and easily get to MGM. Has the amenities to rent. If he chose to not go to any parks, he still has plenty to do at the hotel. When we went over for ice cream at night we noticed LOTS of teens. And I also agree with a Universal visit ! Good Luck !

 

[MrsPete]

I have to respectfully disagree that the words "that sucks" would fit into foul language. Perhaps 20 years ago, but these days it's common vernacular. With the language I hear coming out of 14 year olds mouths these days, thta would be the least of my worries.

I disagree strongly. I've been teaching for over a decade, and I've noticed a very sad downward spiral of manners, appropriateness of dress, respect for authority, and interest in school in the average student during that time. At the same time, parents seem to be adopting a very liberal "it could be worse" attitude.

Examples:
Well, I hate my son's earring, but at least he doesn't have a facial piercing.
Yes, he wrecked the car, but at least he was only drinking -- it could've been drugs.
He made three Ds on his final report card, but at least he was promoted to the next grade.

When did we as a society stop trying to make our children THE BEST they can be, and when did we decide to accept less and less from our children? When I was in high school using the term "that sucks" was definitely considered cursing -- of course, it was used a a slightly longer phrase then, but today's shortened version still carries the same meaning, just as the gangsta-types call one another "mothers" instead of using the full term. The short form is no less profane.

The media doesn't help, so it's up to parents to enforce some standards and refuse to accept these "borderline" behaviors (or in this case, language). If we don't draw a line, then the kids will continue to push a little more and a little more and a little more. If we insist upon the little things, then the big things will fall into place.

 

[jckdisneybound]

I disagree strongly. I've been teaching for over a decade, and I've noticed a very sad downward spiral of manners, appropriateness of dress, respect for authority, and interest in school in the average student during that time. At the same time, parents seem to be adopting a very liberal "it could be worse" attitude.

Not that I'm a teacher, but I have to agree with this. And I still consider myself a kid

 

[DVCLiz]

My DD16 has lovely manners, dresses appropriately, respects authority, and remains interested and enthusiastic in her AP/Honors curriculum and her A average, which she has maintained for three years. However, she and all her friends use "it sucks" without any reservation. This is just not bad language anymore for even the nicest teenager in my daughter's circle of friends. And they are not considered "popular" because they do dorky things like attend Church youth group, serve on student council, and ignore the drinking, drugs and sexual behavior that their more popular peers embrace. Sorry about the reality check - I know it sucks!

 

[Mom to Jordan]

I would strongly suggest some 1:1 time with each parent. Kids just tend to do better when there is no one competing for attention. Perhaps ESPN with dad one night and 1/2 day riding trill rides with mom while dad does the girl thing. I have found with my almost 13 year old that sometimes a same age friend can bring out the worst in him. Choose a friend carefuly if you go that route. In our family, responsibility has to be earned and I just don't see rewarding negative behavior with getting to go off alone in the park. While I also think 2 14 year olds alone in a park is fine, I really would not want my son off just by himself. Here are prayers for a smooth, relaxed trip for ALL.

BTW- "It Sucks" is NOT allowed to be said by our son or by any of his friends in our home or car. Many of them however do use the words elsewhere but we call the shots in our home.


Jordans' mom

 

[Sandyincanada]

I also have teens. My DS15 really doesn't care for Disney anymore other than RnR and TOT, he finds the rest of it "lame". He loves Universal and IOA, as well as Busch. We do these parks and he "tolerates" Disney for a few days without too much complaint, lol. Its the age. Maybe show him the Universal website and see if it will spark some interest in the trip. The music alone on that site might peak his interest. But in saying that, my son said he wanted to go but really never showed alot of interest until 2 days before and then would nonchalantly ask me questions every 10 mins

 

[hannahouse]

It's interesting I keep hearing the same theme. I have 3 boys, will be 6,9 and 15 during our trip - I wanted to go to Disney, and Universal, but none of them has any interest in going to Disney. My nephews, who have done both, all say Universal is the best. I had been toying around with doing one Disney park after Universal, but should I even try it? Any tips from people who have done both?

 

[LindsayDunn228]

I just have to add, that if at 14 y.o., my mother had been talking to me about an upcoming trip and I "sullenly" told her "that sucks," well let's put it this way, it would not have happened again.Even though "sucks" is not as profane as other words, it is all about respect. It's COMPLETELY disrespectful to say to a parent. It would not have flown with my mother.

 

[Marseeya]

It's interesting to hear the different views about a kid using that term, especially from the teachers since I'm currently working on my masters in secondary ed

I don't have a problem with my kids using that term as long as they understand that it's totally inappropriate in public settings. When it comes to him, I pick my battles.

Anyway, keep the advice coming! I really appreciate the input.

 

[Sandyincanada]

"It sucks" is a common phrase used by kids AND adults around here, never thought of it as a biggie....hear alot worse on the playground and at work, lol

Hannahouse, Its a tough call. Older kids definately seem to prefer USF/IOA but DW is a wonderful park too, we always spend a few days there as well as we really like MGM and Epcot. But if it was up to our teens, they would stay with Universal and now DS has discovered Busch Gardens, lol

 

[CherCrazy]

As the someone who grew up with a sibling with ADHD and extreme behavior problems I have to say this..MEDICATE MEDICATE MEDICATE and then...

TELL HIM WHAT HE WILL DO. AND STICK TO IT. You are his parent. And he is not the king of the world. If he doesnt want to do something. Tell him to bite his tounge and deal with it. You cant have your way all of the time. Life DOES suck sometimes. and things ARE stupid sometimes. But in order to become adults we HAVE to deal with it.

If he is ANYTHING like my sister he WILL pout and he WILL throw tantrums and he WILL make you miserable. IF you grant him the attention that he is desiring by doing those things. Take him along. drag him here and there... and IGNORE his behavior. When he realizes that he will catch more flies with honey than vinegar he will get on the disney world wagon.

You've got a point...although it might seem a little harsh to some.

I also have a son with some problems. Sometimes his anger and sulking can get to the point where it becomes a problem for the rest of us. We are just tough in return on him. (ignoring works well too!) Luckily, it's just enough of a reminder to him that he will usually snap out of his mood.

We also let our kids take part in the planning of our vacations. They enjoy voting for destinations or daily activities even down to who gets to pick the first ride of the day.

I think at 14 it's normal for a lot of kids to balk at going to WDW. Oldest DS at that age several years ago was so angry that we were going there, and then passed that anger on to all the rest of our kids. We held firm, too late to change the res anyway, and guess what??? Everybody had a blast and no one ever wanted to stay home again.

Of course the downside I guess is that they'll all be in their 30's and still going on vacation with us!!

 

[Marseeya]

I think at 14 it's normal for a lot of kids to balk at going to WDW. Oldest DS at that age several years ago was so angry that we were going there, and then passed that anger on to all the rest of our kids. We held firm, too late to change the res anyway, and guess what??? Everybody had a blast and no one ever wanted to stay home again.

Of course the downside I guess is that they'll all be in their 30's and still going on vacation with us!!

That's my best hope! I mentioned before that he balks at everything different we want to do and most of the time he ends up really enjoying what we do. However, there are also plenty of times when he truly doesn't like what we do and he's pretty miserable as a result. This is going to be a long trip with a kid who's not happy! But, we planning to lengthen the trip on the way home so we can get plenty of beach time for him. I hope that's enough of a consolation for him!