Advice? Awkward wedding party situation

[DawnCt1]

I agree with Dawn. Be the better person, also it will make them feel stupid when you give them a gift. You are going to have to deal with these woman on an ongoing basis, so always be nice no matter what they do and they will look like the villian.

Which is also a very upside to all of this!

 

[Shreggor]

part of me is and thinking you ladies are fabulously wicked,

...but part of me thinks being wicked isn't really my style.

But still, you ladies are cracking me up.

 

[design_mom]

Why don't you be the bigger person and give them all the same gift. They may not have been their until the end, but they were there for the beginning. Your fiance, soon to be your DH probably won't end a relationship with their husbands, and you are asking to be remembered as a "petty bridezilla". If adding two more gifts to the list will bust the budget, lower the price of the gifts. In the end, you will look like the bigger person. A couple of months down the road, give your best friends another gift, just for being "them".

I agree with the posters who suggest giving them the gift anyway.

We had two people pull out of our wedding at the last moment. My cousin suddenly decided to move cross country and could no longer be in the wedding or attend. (I still have no idea why. Even her mother was surprised by it.) My SIL-to-be’s boyfriend begged to be a groomsman, then broke up with SIL a week before our wedding and pulled out. Neither of them even attended our wedding, but I still gave them the gifts. At the time, I mainly did it because they were already purchased -- I wasn’t particularly happy with either of them at the time -- but in the long run, I’m glad that I did it. (By the way, the boyfriend and SIL got back together and are now married.)

If these are the wives of some of your husband’s closest friends, I think it would be worth it to try to “make nice,” even if you’re not feeling it right now.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

I am trying to be kind here but I am not sure how to say it. Here goes...
Maybe they were just "venting" as well. While your issues seem legit, maybe they thought you were so over the top about it that they found it annoying. To some people everything is a huge deal. To others nothing really ruffles their feathers. I don't know, I think you are being a little dramatic about it to be honest. I doubt they made a specific dinner just to bash you and your fiance. They probably just talked in passing how you are making everything into a huge problem when it isn't the end of the world. Now before you think I am flaming I am not- I am clearly speculating based on what you posted. I would not have sent out "step down from my wedding!" emails. I would have approached them quietly and just let them know that my feelings were hurt. I would still try to do that. These people are not going to go away. You will see them and socialize. Don't let something like this cause headaches. Maybe they were venting the same way you were venting about other things and people. Just something to think about. Good luck.

 

[GoldieSaysMeep]

If these are some of your husband’s closest friends, I think it would be worth it to try to “make nice,” even if you’re not feeling it right now.

Oh, I agree and I should stress that I've been civil to them. Prior to them becomming involved in the wedding, they were just my fiance's friends wives (as opposed to "my friends") and they will go back to simply being my fiance's friends wives and treated respectfully enough. I won't really have an ongoing relationship with the women, as we rarely get together as a group.

My fiance is not really close to the women here. But he is close to the guys, although this incident has made him drift away from the guy who sent the accidental email. FI was appalled that that guy dragged another, totally uninvolved friend into this.

Ironically, the guy had forwarded us the chain of emails between himself and that other friend, to "show us" how "mature" he was by trying to make nice with that other friend to prevent drama between the two of them at our wedding.

 

[Wishing on a star]

OP,

So, these girls will be at the rehearsal dinner... Okay, not best case scenario... but.

It's simple....
How hard can it be to plan 10 minutes of time for you and your actual bridesmaids/friends to exchange gifts???

I guess I am not seeing the huge issue.

I haven't participated in that many weddings, but I would never begin to think that these personal friends/bridesmaids gifts should be a public part of the rehearsal dinner.

Deep breaths....
Deep breaths....

Let it GO......

Don't make 'drama', when too much drama is finding you already.

 

[GoldieSaysMeep]

Maybe they were venting the same way you were venting about other things and people. Just something to think about. Good luck.

To me there is a difference between venting about things like being very sick, not having a working fridge etc. and venting about a friend behind their back so much that your spouse feels the need to bring it up to an uninvolved party.

 

[Disney Doll]

I think you're over-thinking it Goldie.

Give your remaining bridesmaids & groomsmen their gifts at the rehearsal dinner. Give th e2 ousted bridesmaids a "appreciation for the nice shower you gave me" gift...it doesn't have to be the exact same gift but it should be of a similar "value"...ie - don't give the bridesmaids gift cards to Tiffanys and the ousted bridesmaids gift cards to WalMart.

And then tell everyone who might cause a scene of the 2 ousted bridesmaids make a comment to just chill. Seriously...let it lie after this...

 

[GoldieSaysMeep]

OP,

So, these girls will be at the rehearsal dinner... Okay, not best case scenario... but.

It's simple....
How hard can it be to plan 10 minutes of time for you and your actual bridesmaids/friends to exchange gifts???

I guess I am not seeing the huge issue.

I haven't participated in that many weddings, but I would never begin to think that these personal friends/bridesmaids gifts should be a public part of the rehearsal dinner.

Deep breaths....
Deep breaths....

Let it GO......

Don't make 'drama', when too much drama is finding you already.

Good point

As for how hard it can be to find 10 mins, though unfortuantely my close friends don't live very close to me or work very close to me, and between now and the wedding/honeymoon none of us really have any free time.

It is very common around here for the gifts to be given at rehearsal in public. I find that kind of weird too, but that's how it's been at every wedding I've ever been part of and every wedding FI has been part of. I wonder if it's a regional difference? We're in the Northeast.

 

[GoldieSaysMeep]

I think you're over-thinking it Goldie.

You're probably right DD.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Good point

As for how hard it can be to find 10 mins, though unfortuantely my close friends don't live very close to me or work very close to me, and between now and the wedding/honeymoon none of us really have any free time.

It is very common around here for the gifts to be given at rehearsal in public. I find that kind of weird too, but that's how it's been at every wedding I've ever been part of and every wedding FI has been part of. I wonder if it's a regional difference? We're in the Northeast.

Could be a regional difference????

But, really....
Your friends/bridesmaids ARE going to be there for the wedding...

Just do what you want/need to do.....
If you want to plan a few minutes with your bridesmaides.... Who will be RIGHT THERE.
Or if you want to simply give the gifts at the rehearsal dinner... (who cares what these other girls think at this point)
Just do it.

Surely we don't need five more pages of venting and drams to figure it out.

 

[Carly_Roach]

To me there is a difference between venting about things like being very sick, not having a working fridge etc. and venting about a friend behind their back so much that your spouse feels the need to bring it up to an uninvolved party.

Yes, to you there is a difference. The same can be said of them: to them you are being an over-the-top bridezilla and someone vented about it.

Let's lend a little adult perspective to this whole thing:

If you are right about them being evil, then they are right about you being a bridezilla. If you believe that they are wrong about you being a bridezilla, then I suggest you entertain the thought that you could be wrong about their behavior.

In any case, I totally and completely agree that you are right when you say that you'll never have a relationship with the wives of your husband's friends. I personally depend on my support system (DH's friends' wives), but that's just me and is probably related to him being a PO and us all feeling like family.

 

[famofsix]

take a deep breath and don't stress another minute over this...make a non-emotional decision on how to handle it with your finance' and then do it.

personally I would go the "everyone in the party and significant help with the wedding prep gets a gift of appreciation" route....

 

[GoldieSaysMeep]

Yes, to you there is a difference. The same can be said of them: to them you are being an over-the-top bridezilla and someone vented about it.

Let's lend a little adult perspective to this whole thing:

If you are right about them being evil, then they are right about you being a bridezilla. If you believe that they are wrong about you being a bridezilla, then I suggest you entertain the thought that you could be wrong about their behavior.

In any case, I totally and completely agree that you are right when you say that you'll never have a relationship with the wives of your husband's friends. I personally depend on my support system (DH's friends' wives), but that's just me and is probably related to him being a PO and us all feeling like family.

I never said they were evil.

I have my own friends and do not need FI's people to feel support and I am not a clique person. All of my current bridesmaids do not know each other. I have always had very close one on one relationships with people.

I do believe this is a big part of the difference between them and me. They are a close knit circle who talk amongst themselves about other people they all know who consider them friends, and I do not. The vast majority of my friends do not know one another. Even if I were to mention one of my friends to another, they wouldn't know the person, most likely.

I could see being annoyed by someone who complained about "every little thing".

However, if one of my friends complained about a very expensive wedding dress order being screwed up, or complained about contracting a pretty awful illness shortly before her wedding, or complained about moving into an apartment with countless appliance problems, I certainly would not consider those things "every little thing", and to the best of my knowledge, these are the only three issues I ever vented to these people about. It's baffling to me how anyone could consider venting (via emails) about those particular issues over the top.

And to turn around and tell a friend that she brought those issues onto herself is just downright dumb.

But I'm beating a dead horse here. Certain people just don't get along with each other and as long as there is no screaming/fighting I really have no problem with it.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

To me there is a difference between venting about things like being very sick, not having a working fridge etc. and venting about a friend behind their back so much that your spouse feels the need to bring it up to an uninvolved party.

In this case I don't think so. If you are one of those (and I don't know if you are) dramatic people that are like "OMG!!!!!!!Can you belive my fridge broke?! What am I going to do?!AAAHHH! My wedding is in 6 weeks! I can't deal with this!" then I too would find you over the top. If you were just like "Eh the fridge broke and I have to get a new one. I don't really have extra time or money for this but what are ya gonna do? Fun times." then I would say that stinks and I hope you find a good deal. If you are like the previously exampled drama queen I would roll my eyes and I would think you were a bridezilla so to speak.
Oh and the spouse probably brought it up because maybe they think the same thing? Guys do chit chat occassionally. Usually when someone is being a little over the top about something. I am not trying to be mean but it can't be everybody all the time KWIM? Let the wedding pass nd move on from this. While your FI might have been "appalled" since he is still hanging with the guy I would venture to guess that it isn't as big a deal as you are making it out to be. Of course that is jmho.
Enjoy your wedding and truly let this go. It is a small blip. Nothing more. Oh- and if it makes you feel any better 3 days before my wedding the beading on my dress was not completed. I was not happy but it was done in time for my wedding. Don't stress and enjoy your party and mostly enjoy your marriage.

 

[GoldieSaysMeep]

I diagree. I think there is a huge difference between talking about things that are inanimate have no feelings, and talking about people who trust you and think of you has their friend.

I also think that if you don't want a person to vent to you, you shouldn't call/email them at least once a week saying "vent to me whenever you want"

But that's just my opinion.

Did they ever fix the beading on your dress? I never got refunded for the first dress. The company refused saying they do credits only and they would only send me another dress, however they needed something like 3 months to get another dress to me....so apparently they thought I'd like them to send me a wedding dress after my wedding. I'm just going to sell it at prom time. Someone will buy it.

 

[luvsJack]

OP, like a pp said, just give the gifts to your wedding party and get something else (different but at least appearing to be equal in cost) to them as thank-you's for the shower and let it be. You don't have to make a big deal about thier being in or not being in the wedding. And let your FI tell his buddies that as far as you two are concerned it is done and over with.

It sounds to me like you had reason to vent regardless of whether you worded it to suit these ladies. And maybe they are just a bit petty themselves and like to gossip about the newest member to the "group".

Everyone vents and everyone has a different breaking point at which they feel the need to vent. That doesn't make you a bridezilla. They, on the other hand, may have thought they were "venting" about you but it was simple gossip and back stabbing--shouldn't have happened.



FYI to other posters: The gifts are given at the rehearsal dinner here too. I helped make the videos at two of my nieces' weddings and the gifts were given and the "thank you for being a part of our day" speeches were all done at the rehearsal dinner. It is just considered to be a nice, quiet time for the bride and groom to do this and to make their thank-you more public.

 

[handinpocket]

I know this isn't the sort of comment you are looking for on this thread but here goes. You just do not "cut" someone from your bridal party 2 weeks before the wedding. That is the epitome of bad taste. Don't be surprised if the husbands bow out right before the wedding, I know mine would.

 

[Polyluvr]

I know this isn't the sort of comment you are looking for on this thread but here goes. You just do not "cut" someone from your bridal party 2 weeks before the wedding. That is the epitome of bad taste. Don't be surprised if the husbands bow out right before the wedding, I know mine would.

I have to agree w the above statement; I had a huge italian long island wedding~ and I didn't turn into a bridezilla~ I had a moment the day of my wedding where my sister stepped on my gown before the ceremony and some tulle ripped. Other than that, I never treated people who offered to help w their time,money etc to make my wedding special- so callously.

 

[GoldieSaysMeep]

A few people have mentioned this and I just wanted to point out that I did not "cut" them 2 weeks before my wedding.

This all happened a few weeks ago, and I am only now at the 2 week mark.

They did not make any financial contribution. Neither of them bought dresses, they were wearing dresses they already had. Aside from whatever food made they made/brought to the shower, that was it. My mom footed the bill for the shower.

I also did not "cut" them, per se. I apologized for upsetting them and told them that if I was causing them as much grief as I was apparently causing them, that they may step down and one of them did.

The other responded with a name calling, nasty email in which she went off on a tirade about numerous unrelated problems that she has in her life, including the fact that she "wanted to smack me" after seeing me with my mother at the bridal shower because her mom died when she was a kid and she gets jealous and was mad that I told her me and my mom butt heads sometimes because I should "just appreciate that I have a mom"... as well as telling me that I should shut up about being sick with mono because she was undergoing some sort of medical tests herself (that I knew nothing about...)... Her own husband responded to the email (he'd been cc'd) (to myself and added my fiance as well) and told her she crossed the line and to calm down.

It was at that point that I asked her to leave the wedding party and I think it was justified.