Advice, anyone deal with infertility?

[ilovefh]

I agree. We went through many years of infertility, and although my DH went along with everything for my sake, he never had the emotional investment that I had. Honestly, he wouldn't have been upset at all if we never had children. He loves them now, of course, but he would have never initiated treatment if I hadn't insisted.

This is so true! While I love DH, and he is a great caring person, he did not react the same way I did to the years of infertility. And good lord, did it make it hard on me. I was sitting there crying and miscarrying and he seemed fine. Coming to terms with the fact that we may not have kids was much harder for me than it was for him. So I'm wondering if maybe the husband does not understand the depths of his wife's pain and is insisting it will be fine.

I can only echo what others have said and tell you infertility is an awful beast. I felt helpless and like a failure. I watched my friends get pregnant easily and carry full term while I wasn't able to do it. It was awful. Most of my friends were awesome though. When my friend got pregnant she took me aside and made sure I was the first person she told. While I cried, I was so happy for her. Just because I couldn't have a baby didn't mean that I didn't want her to have one. But it hurt.

I was good at masking my pain to others. I did have some friends who just didn't get it though. One said I needed to "get over it" and then said after a friend's shower "you must be really sad right now, huh?" Umm, yes, as a matter of fact I am but I was hoping to make it home before I cried. Thanks for that!

I think the decision to spend time with your family and let DH go alone is probably a good one. I think she is telling you she is not ready to face you yet by not responding to your messages. Try not to take it personally and try not to think about it as irrational. This thing is pervasive in her life right now. You really cannot even fathom what this feels like unless you've been there.

I think at some point she will come around and want you back into her life. Be patient with her while she tries to work this out.

 

[BEloveDisney]

Be kind to your friend. Send a note saying you're thinking of her and you want to give her some space, but that you are there for her when she needs you.

Absolutely!

 

[ChitownFamily]

Interesting how everyone's experiences with and responses to the infertility nightmare vary. I lived it for several years myself and wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy, either.

I read this thread last night, and again today.

What I'm trying to get is a sense of whether there is any sensitivity toward the friend (or is it just the "husband's friend's wife") from the OP. And frankly, I don't see it. Perhaps it's writing style or whatever, but I don't see any real understanding or even attempt at understanding the friend (with a few criticisms thrown in for good measure), and maybe that is what the friend is picking up on. IME generally a little sensitivity goes a long way here. And by that I mean simply acknowledging the "loss" (and it is a loss of ability to do what others can take for granted, involves a grieving process, etc.), letting the person talk about it, and limiting the "gushiness" factor of talking about your new baby. (And I differentiate that from seeing the baby; that I would be ok with, hey it's not the baby's fault!)









Flying Dumbo, I understand them, but I feel a little sad reading your responses. Would it kill you to have a little more empathy for this person? I get that it's painful for you to have to feel awkwardly, or watch what you say, or take two hours out of your limited time, etc., but isn't she worth it?

In an ideal world I'd love to see you go and have a good time seeing these friends. But I recognize it may be too much. If you can't go, maybe you could send her a nice note and flowers or something. Just to let her know you're thinking of her. She'll understand it's difficult for you, but will appreciate being remembered. And please understand I'm not trying to criticize you, just point out, from my perspective and experience, what I see going on here from your posts. (And you did ask.) I also do appreciate that this thread in and of itself is an effort at understanding.

i keep coming back to this thread. Having experienced fertility issues myself, this thread is so raw (even though we have been blessed with children for 8 years now) It's raw because i can remember feeling so low & depressed. It's raw b/c i remember treating good friends poorly. I just couldn't see past myself. I couldn't see an end to my pain and because of that i lost some friends.

On the other hand, i did have a friend confront me very gently. She was having some problems & really needed a friend. She said, i've been here for you & now i want you here for me. It was done completely out of love & a desire to have a deep friendship. It definitely was a wake up call. and in the midst of my sorrow, it felt wonderful to know i was needed.

On the flip side, 10 years post our fertility struggles, with a different perspective in hand- i would do things differently in your situation. If it was a friendship that i wanted to see live & not die out. I wouldn't let that person unfriend me. I would tell them-unlike my posts, but please don't cut me out of your life. i want to be there to support you. I would also send a note now, like the above poster suggested.
This perspective took 10 years to grasp & it wasn't just about fertility. It was in part about being uncomfortable with direct conversations that are sometimes very awkward. I wonder if this where you are at in life? that's okay. maybe this friendship could help you grow as a person.

or maybe not and i'm reading & projecting much more deeply than is necessary. either way, this thread was very therapeutic to reflect on.
(((hugs))) i hope you find peace in your decision.

 

[JanaDee]

I really do not want to go. I am going to bow out. I am only home for 3 precious days. There are so many people I want to see. I am really sorry that she is not able to have a baby right now. I do hope she is able to at some point. She cried on my shoulder for years. I get that she has a lot on her plate right now. She has not spoken to me in over a year. Not when I was admitted to the hospital 3 separate times, not when my husband was in a car wreck, not when the baby arrived.That is pretty hurtful, although I get while she is doing it. I feel like if she really wanted to meet up she would have responded to my message, it was my last attempt to reach out. I am not trying to be mean. I just don't feel like its a good idea. I feel like our husbands would have a much better time on their own. I don't think she wants to see me anyway.

Really what it comes down to is this, I only have 3 days at home. My husbands family lives 2.5 hours away from my family so we are staying in the middle. Every minute is precious, we are going to spend a lot of time in the car. I would rather spend the time with people who want to spend it with me. Not suffering through a super uncomfortable dinner with someone who doesn't want to be there. And someone that clearly doesn't want to talk to me.

There is your answer.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Oh, I did not see the post where you said you were going to bow out. That is OK too.

You know you have to do what you feel is right for the situation. Many hugs.

 

[Fjobe]

Be kind to your friend. Send a note saying you're thinking of her and you want to give her some space, but that you are there for her when she needs you.

I agree with this.

 

[lisaviolet]

Edit.

 

[Wendy31]

People are different. It's great that you were able to choose to feel better. For some people, it's not that easy.

I've gone through infertility and a late term loss, which was extremely painful. I remember that there was a teacher on my floor who was pregnant. She would complain about her pregnancy all the time around me, and even said, "I wish I could go into premature labor. It's SO HARD being pregnant." The OP's friend is probably surrounded by this all the time. People can be incredibly cruel and insensitive. She probably chose to feel ok about it for awhile, but after six years? It just gets really hard. I always told people who refused to understand, that it was like if all of their friends had a great big warm house while they lived in a tent in the backyard. The friends would say, "Well, having a big house isn't that great. It's a lot of work. You're probably not trying hard enough to get a house. Maybe God doesn't want you to have a house. At least you have a tent. You should feel grateful for that. Maybe if you'd just relax, God would give you a house. You should just choose to love your tent. It's a choice to be happy about your tent. Don't be rude to us who have a big house. Get over it." And then at the end of the night, while the friends all go to their big, warm houses, and you crawl into the tent in your backyard.

It's just such a kick in the gut ALL THE TIME. I'm sure the friend is hearing that God isn't blessing her with a child because he doesn't think she'd be a good mother, or that she's not trying hard enough, or she should just relax, or that having kids isn't that great...she should borrow your baby to see what it's like not to sleep through the night. I heard all of those things and more.

After my late term loss (a lot of people didn't understand that I had to give birth to the baby who died in my arms, that my milk came in, that I was still dealing with post partum emotions with no baby to make it better)....I remember sitting in my car for ten minutes trying to get up the strength to go into work every single day. There were times that I would have to go into the bathroom between the class breaks to cry. Pregnant people, children and babies are everywhere. There's no break from it.

Be kind to your friend. Send a note saying you're thinking of her and you want to give her some space, but that you are there for her when she needs you.

I agree. And the tent vs. the house analogy really explains it well.

Interesting how everyone's experiences with and responses to the infertility nightmare vary. I lived it for several years myself and wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy, either.

I read this thread last night, and again today.

What I'm trying to get is a sense of whether there is any sensitivity toward the friend (or is it just the "husband's friend's wife") from the OP. And frankly, I don't see it. Perhaps it's writing style or whatever, but I don't see any real understanding or even attempt at understanding the friend (with a few criticisms thrown in for good measure), and maybe that is what the friend is picking up on. IME generally a little sensitivity goes a long way here. And by that I mean simply acknowledging the "loss" (and it is a loss of ability to do what others can take for granted, involves a grieving process, etc.), letting the person talk about it, and limiting the "gushiness" factor of talking about your new baby. (And I differentiate that from seeing the baby; that I would be ok with, hey it's not the baby's fault!)

Flying Dumbo, I understand them, but I feel a little sad reading your responses. Would it kill you to have a little more empathy for this person? I get that it's painful for you to have to feel awkwardly, or watch what you say, or take two hours out of your limited time, etc., but isn't she worth it? She's obviously in a lot of emotional pain. None of us expect to go through something like this, but many of us unexpectedly do. And it sucks. Isn't this the time of year that we're supposed to have generosity in our hearts?

In an ideal world I'd love to see you go and have a good time seeing these friends. But I recognize it may be too much. If you can't go, maybe you could send her a nice note and flowers or something. Just to let her know you're thinking of her. She'll understand it's difficult for you, but will appreciate being remembered. And please understand I'm not trying to criticize you, just point out, from my perspective and experience, what I see going on here from your posts. (And you did ask.) I also do appreciate that this thread in and of itself is an effort at understanding.

OT but why can't we be more empathetic to people going through life's difficulties even before or whether we experience them ourselves? I mean, I know life gets busy and all, but let's not forget those who are going through tough times even though it may be inconvenient and uncomfortable for us. Someday, we may find ourselves on the receiving end. It's only then (ironically) that we can really appreciate those people who put themselves forward for people routinely.

I agree with this as well - especially the bolded.

DH & I struggled w/ infertility for about 2 years - not really a long time, and, unlike others, I only ended up w/ 1 round of Clomid. So my struggle was nothing compared to what others have faced.

But I still remember charting my temperature & how disappointed I was each month. I still remember what Mother's Day at church felt like. I still remember how it felt when people would ask DH or me, "So when are y'all going to have kids?" I still remember how I felt when my SIL became pregnant w/ her third child & when she said, "All my husband has to do is look at me, & I get pregnant."

It hurts. It breaks you in a way that nothing else does. And, like others have said, you're consumed with it. And that kind of hurt sometimes causes you to do & say things you might regret later.

I understand you being hurt that your friend didn't contact you when you were in the hospital or when your DH had a wreck.

But maybe life isn't always about only giving what we get, you know? Maybe, instead, in some situations, we show compassion and empathy - even to those who haven't shown kindness to us. We extend a little forgiveness & understanding.

 

[lisaviolet]

But maybe life isn't always about only giving what we get, you know? Maybe, instead, in some situations, we show compassion and empathy - even to those who haven't shown kindness to us. We extend a little forgiveness & understanding.

You're right. It isn't about giving what we get. Although a lot of humans play that every single day - certainly here on the disboards CB posts about family and friends. And we all probably should extend more forgiveness and understanding in life. All of us.

But the vulnerability that it takes to be that person is truly difficult. Hopefully, we, in some situations as you've said, can all get there one day.

 

[Wishing on a star]

A post from somebody who has BTDT.
The pain caused by infertility can be almost primal.
There is no 'reasonable' approach or answer.

OP, if she, for whatever reason, has been unable to deal with the emotion and pain, and has not been able to even return communication with you by facebook/email/phone, then I think the answer here is obvious. It is the right thing to bow-out.

You can't take this personally... and you can't place blame.

Hopefully, she will continue to work thru this, and will get to the point where this isn't such an emotional issue and roadblock. But, unfortunately, until then...

I would not make my decision based on the fact that her husband wants/thinks/hopes that it will be 'okay'. That is not a reason to try to force it, or to risk a very painful and emotionally stressful situation.

Maybe her husband truly NEEDS this to be okay, for his and his wife's sake.... Maybe this plan he is making with your DH is based on a lot of wishful thinking...

Unless you hear from her, personally, I would advise you find a way to bow out. And continue to be caring and offer to reach out, if and when she is ready.

Remind yourself that you would not be doing that in order to take the way out, or just do what is easiest/best/right for you.
But, that this might be the best thing, for now, for all involved.

 

[mellvswdw1]

This is a very touchy for a lot of ladies myself included. My DH and I struggled with unknown infertility for 8 1/2 years. We had failed IVF and adoptions. Every pregnancy announcement was a cut to my soul. I always tried to be polite and support my friends and family through many pregnancies. We were finally blessed with a baby through adoption in September. She came to us out of the blue, we were approached by an acquaintance of a friend in June. We became a forever family two days after she was born and our adoption was finalized last week.

Our new daughter is such a blessing. The peace and joy she brings is amazing. In fact my DSis in law told me how happy she was to finally see me truly smile and not fake it for everyone who had children.

Words cannot describe the emptiness that your heart and soul feel. Nothing, and I mean nothing fills your heart. I keep telling my DH that my heart is so full now. I don't care that our DD didn't come from my stomach. She is a part of my soul.

OP, I know you feel that she wasn't a part of your life and you have reached out and tried. I understand that your time is precious with your family and you want to spend it with people that want to see you. I'm glad that you are bowing out. I also hope that you read and truly digest what lots of ladies have said on this thread about the pain that one goes through to have children. It is raw. It hurts. I don't know how long it took you to get pregnant, not my business, don't need to know. My point is if you didn't struggle be grateful that you didn't have to go through that pain. I know you said you've had your own struggles in different areas, and I hope things stay good for you , your DH and your little one. Enjoy your time back with your family.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I would rather spend the time with people who want to spend it with me. Not suffering through a super uncomfortable dinner with someone who doesn't want to be there. And someone that clearly doesn't want to talk to me.

Okay, after having looked at this again, I feel like I want to add more thoughts here.

OP, what you are not seeing here is that this is just not about you.
This is very much NOT about you. It is about a very serious and painful issue for somebody else.
If you, at any way, and on any level, can compare 'sitting thru an uncomfortable dinner', with the emotional pain experienced due to infertility....

If you seem unable to grasp that, then yes, bow out. Definitely.

This is very probably NOT about the fact that she is judging/rejecting you. It is because she is home crying, feeling like she is mortally wounded, and emotionally bleeding, isolated by her afflliction, fighting for her 'life'.

When a woman that is going thru infertility is 'there', she is not only, very truly, grieving the loss of a child... (and, is that not the WORST loss one could ever imagine) she is also grieving the inability to have positive and helpful relationships with others, and is isolated, due to the pain and emotional limitations she is experiencing.

She doesn't need friends who do not understand, and who are asking, why haven't you been there for me.... She needs friends who can say, you know, I can see that this is more difficult than I could ever imagine.. I am not going to expect anything from you... But, if you can bring yourself to be able to let-me-in (which can be nearly impossible) I will always be here for you.