Adult children moving back home with their child

[Pea-n-Me]

My wife and I did it in the 2010s. Times are only different if you let them be.

More power to you.

 

[Mrs.AMC]

Hard times create strong men, strong men create good times, good times create weak men, and weak men create hard times.


We're not talking here about adult children taking care of their elderly parents. We're talking about adult children being taken care of by their elderly parents. Grandma and Grandpa moving in with their daughter and her husband to help with the kids and receive elder care themselves? Awesome. Junior moving into his high school bedroom while he wastes his life with video games, social media, and pornography? Not awesome.


I'm two years younger than your oldest son.

I bought my first house in 2012 at 23. I bought my second house in 2014 at 25. I bought my third house in 2017 at 27. I bought my current house in 2020 at 30. My parents gave me $0 for any of this, and I paid off $30,000 of student loans and a $25,000 car loan in the meantime. I was married in 2011 and had kids in 2014, 2017, and 2020. The dirty little secret? None of this was particularly difficult.

"Young people" aren't nearly as hopeless as you suggest, and it's infantilizing to treat them as such.

Not every one can be Captain America. Sure hope none of your kids need you at any point in their life. Sometimes even the hardest working kids can't make it work out for a multitude of reasons.

 

[kymom99]

I understand your point, but it’s all relative today.

It’s also unhealthy to be unable to afford to live comfortably, to have a car that’s “found on road dead” and in the shop monthly, to not have some breathing room with bills, to have a credit score in the toilet, to not have some savings in the bank, and to not be able to buy healthy food at the supermarket, etc.

I moved out of my house at 18 and DH 23, and we made it work. That was in the early 80s. Times were different then. Regardless, it would’ve been beneficial long-term for us to save more by living at home first, but that wasn’t possible for me, so we got our own place. I wish things could’ve been different for us, but they weren’t. So BTDT.

Where we live, apartments are now crazy expensive, like $2000-3000/month.
And the average home price where we live is $800,000+
We’re not interested in moving somewhere else, so we have to make it work.

We want our kids to be able to BUY something of their own, not pad someone else’s pockets and never be able to save enough to get their own places, as prices are rising.

My DD is a college grad, works FT, is almost halfway through her master’s, has a good chunk of change put aside for a down payment for her own place, and has been stocking up on things for her own home, as well.

DS is also a college grad, working FT, had to take an additional course this year for his job of choice, and is waiting to take the licensing exam for that. Once done, he’ll be in the job he wants soon afterward. He’ll also be saving for something to buy.

We feel it would be dumb for them to be paying rent, at those costs, when they can live comfortably with us where we live. They each pay room and board, as well as their bills, drive decent cars, and help out around the house. Both also helped care for my elderly mother for many years, through her passing, when she lived with us, too. I can never repay them for that, but, to us, this is what families do. I don’t think they’re missing out on much, they have all the comforts of home and their boyfriend/girlfriend are welcome to stay over. We’re all adults. We are used to having an inter-generational home and it works for us. I do think that more people will be doing that as costs continue to skyrocket everywhere.

Yep why pay those things twice if you all make it work.

 

[CaptainAmerica]

Not every one can be Captain America. Sure hope none of your kids need you at any point in their life. Sometimes even the hardest working kids can't make it work out for a multitude of reasons.

You and I are in a position where we can provide for our kids because we learned how to struggle and overcome adversity. I don't think it's wise to smooth over the rough spots for our kids if we want them to learn that same resiliency.

 

[Mrs.AMC]

You and I are in a position where we can provide for our kids because we learned how to struggle and overcome adversity. I don't think it's wise to smooth over the rough spots for our kids if we want them to learn that same resiliency.

I'll never agree. I will not see any one I know, especially my child and grandchild, living in a car on the street vs in my home, if I have a home. I don't know how anyone with a heart can.

 

[bakerworld]

When our kids moved back I would make it clear, to them and my spouse, they were to do their own laundry, clean their own room and not leave the kitchen/bathroom areas a mess. If they wanted something specific food wise they could add it to our list but we weren't going to police the consumption. I made it clear to my spouse that the kids were adults and to be treated as such so no curfew but I made it clear to the kids they were to be aware of noise levels if they came in very late.

Both our girls couldn't move out fast enough. Our son came home 10 years ago due to a medical problem. He kept his stuff in storage for a year and then admitted he didn't see how he could afford to live independently due to work/pay inconsistency. He likes that he has to do his own wash, cleaning but sometimes his rooms get to me so I'd wander in to give them a once over.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

You and I are in a position where we can provide for our kids because we learned how to struggle and overcome adversity. I don't think it's wise to smooth over the rough spots for our kids if we want them to learn that same resiliency.

Maybe they learned to overcome adversity in ways different than we did.

You seem to think that all adult kids who live at home are lazy and sponging off their parents.

 

[Alicefan]

To be honest, I have not yet encountered such a situation. Perhaps a parent should help their child find a new place to live?

I'm with you here. I never went back after I moved out at 18. My parents charged me a weekly rent the day I turned 18, it wasn't much but it was enough to make me think, "shoot, if I'm going to have to pay rent and still follow their rules then I'm going to figure out how to get my own place so I can do what I want." and that is how I've lived my life. I found roommates and did whatever I had to do to afford to keep my freedom. I'll help my daughter to find safe places to live and teach her to start saving with an IRA from the moment she has her first job. The one thing I wish that my parents had done for me was make me start a savings plan and to pay myself first from day one. It would've made all the difference. Instead, I didn't discover IRA's until I was about 35 and I've worried about my future a lot. Paying yourself first is the most important thing in today's world where the old way of working one job and pension plans are almost non existent. Starting young is crucial.

I refuse to be one of these people that let their children come and go while I raise their children for them. I have plans of my own for my retirement and it doesn't include starting over raising grandchildren while my child sits back and relies on me to take the burden of childcare costs etc off of them while they have it easy. I see so much of that and it's just not for me. I'll be there to help but not enable. My husband, now he's an enabler. He's got a 24 year old son that would freeload until the cows come home if you let him, without lifting a finger to help around the house. Nope, go find a friend that will let you do that if you can. Not in my house.

 

[Alicefan]

You man change your tune when you actually have adult kids and they hit a rough patch in life...or are you just going to tell them to live under a bridge? I'm not sure why it's unhealthy. In many cultures, families live together. They even take care of their elderly parents and grandparents.

There's a huge difference in a child coming back to help the parents because they were raised to be respectful and caring of their elders and coming back for you to take care of them though.

 

[CaptainAmerica]

Maybe they learned to overcome adversity in ways different than we did.

You seem to think that all adult kids who live at home are lazy and sponging off their parents.

If I used or implied the word "all," I shouldn't have, but I don't think I did. That said, I can read the statistics on video game consumption, pornography addiction, social media use, labor force participation, marriage, fertility, and so-on. No, not every adult who lives at home is lazy and sponging off of their parents, but lazy adults living at home and sponging off their parents is a huge problem that's contributing to societal decline.

 

[disykat]

I had no interest in living with my parents when I was an adult, nor did my kids want to with me. However, I've known quite a few people who CHOOSE this lifestyle and live successfully as "roommates" with their parents/children. I don't see anything wrong with it. I had roommates when I was single for financial reasons and we became like family to each other. It's not that different IMO. Some people want to live in a family situation rather than alone, for community and/or to save money. If it's not a crutch to avoid responsibility, but rather something people are choosing and they enjoy, why would anyone consider it a bad thing?

 

[HeatherC]

My wife and I did it in the 2010s. Times are only different if you let them be.

No times are definitely different now.

 

[barkley]

No times are definitely different now.

i think every era has had it's unique challenges and depending on which ones we've each come of age in it colors our individual perspectives. my experiences in the 1970's are vastly different than those of my husband who came of age in the late 80's just as they both are from those of our adult children who are in their mid to late 20's now. we have some interesting conversations regarding the challenges we faced (inflation is an interesting one in a 'then vs. now' perspective), opportunities we had but also opportunities that simply did not exist but most if not many take for granted in current times (one in particular being the scope of jobs that were realistically available to me as a woman with a college degree as compared to my non degree holding male peers).

my grandfather was born in 1894 and lived until i was 20, my dad born in 1912, mom in 1923, had sibs that spanned the early 40's and 50's as birth years so i can recall hearing 'coming of age' stories dating back over 100 years. i don't recall any of them being completely sunshine and roses.

 

[DCLMP]

Hard times create strong men, strong men create good times, good times create weak men, and weak men create hard times.


We're not talking here about adult children taking care of their elderly parents. We're talking about adult children being taken care of by their elderly parents. Grandma and Grandpa moving in with their daughter and her husband to help with the kids and receive elder care themselves? Awesome. Junior moving into his high school bedroom while he wastes his life with video games, social media, and pornography? Not awesome.


I'm two years younger than your oldest son.

I bought my first house in 2012 at 23. I bought my second house in 2014 at 25. I bought my third house in 2017 at 27. I bought my current house in 2020 at 30. My parents gave me $0 for any of this, and I paid off $30,000 of student loans and a $25,000 car loan in the meantime. I was married in 2011 and had kids in 2014, 2017, and 2020. The dirty little secret? None of this was particularly difficult.

"Young people" aren't nearly as hopeless as you suggest, and it's infantilizing to treat them as such.

Nobody said jr was moving into their adult parents and playing video games. Most of the posts were working adults saving up money living with their parents In 2008 my bil and sil lost their jobs and their house. They had to move in with her parents with three small kids It took him almost a year to find another job and another year to really get back on their feet.
You bought your house when houses hadnt even recovered from the housing crash. My house has gone from 250,000 to 700,000 from the time you bought your house. Now were entering another recession which is going to be worse than 2008 due to hyperinflation.

Im glad you’ve had such an easy life… but geez .A lot of people are really struggling to make ends meet right now…have some compassion. The days may come when you need some. If you can’t relate to being middle class it’s probably better not to comment on matters you can’t relate too.

 

[DCLMP]

If I used or implied the word "all," I shouldn't have, but I don't think I did. That said, I can read the statistics on video game consumption, pornography addiction, social media use, labor force participation, marriage, fertility, and so-on. No, not every adult who lives at home is lazy and sponging off of their parents, but lazy adults living at home and sponging off their parents is a huge problem that's contributing to societal decline.

Do you have proof of this? I know quite a few working adults living with their parents.

 

[DCLMP]

There's a huge difference in a child coming back to help the parents because they were raised to be respectful and caring of their elders and coming back for you to take care of them though.

I was replying to his statement that parents living with their children is unhealthy. That’s a broad statement to make. Some cultures they don’t “come back” because they never leave.

 

[DCLMP]

I'll never agree. I will not see any one I know, especially my child and grandchild, living in a car on the street vs in my home, if I have a home. I don't know how anyone with a heart can.

When your kids are babies you always think they are going to turn out perfect and never struggle in life. Unfortunately, life has its own plan and kids have their own minds.

I have a nephew with a doctorate degree from Stanford that suffers from mental health issues. I never in a million years saw that coming when he was little nor did his parents nor will his parents ever throw him out on the street. When you have a child you should be in for the long haul better or worse.

 

[JLTraveling]

I think it only becomes a problem when someone is being taken advantage of (like if the adult child is completely financially dependent on the parents with no intention of working or contributing in any way). That's the stereotype a lot of people think of when they hear of adult children living with their parents, but I don't think that's what the situation is in reality in most cases.

Exactly. I've gotten a lot of grief about sharing a rental house with my dad. But the reality is:

1. We each make decent money, but we also both prefer to live in the heart of the city, which is EXPENSIVE. We have a big house with plenty of room to each have our own space for way less than two separate broom closets would cost.
2. He retired on disability years ago (now old enough for regular retirement). He has some health problems that would make it tough to live alone. I take care of the stuff that he struggles with.
3. His health conditions don't (usually) preclude him from doing stuff around the house, and he LIKES to both be busy and feel needed. So no matter how many times I've told him it's not necessary, he enjoys cooking for me and taking care of a lot of the basic housework and all. And I work a lot of hours, so it definitely helps me out.
4. We both have good money coming in. We split the household expenses. When we vacation together, we each pay half. We take turns buying stuff that we both want, and we each buy the stuff that we individually want.
5. We're genuinely friends. We enjoy having each other around.
6. We have our own friends and our own lives as well. No different than any other roommate relationship.

I've been married. I've lived on my own. I'm perfectly capable of taking care of myself, and my dad certainly isn't supporting me. But the whole idea that living intergenerationally is inherently a bad thing just blows my mind.

 

[Mrs.AMC]

Exactly. I've gotten a lot of grief about sharing a rental house with my dad. But the reality is:

1. We each make decent money, but we also both prefer to live in the heart of the city, which is EXPENSIVE. We have a big house with plenty of room to each have our own space for way less than two separate broom closets would cost.
2. He retired on disability years ago (now old enough for regular retirement). He has some health problems that would make it tough to live alone. I take care of the stuff that he struggles with.
3. His health conditions don't (usually) preclude him from doing stuff around the house, and he LIKES to both be busy and feel needed. So no matter how many times I've told him it's not necessary, he enjoys cooking for me and taking care of a lot of the basic housework and all. And I work a lot of hours, so it definitely helps me out.
4. We both have good money coming in. We split the household expenses. When we vacation together, we each pay half. We take turns buying stuff that we both want, and we each buy the stuff that we individually want.
5. We're genuinely friends. We enjoy having each other around.
6. We have our own friends and our own lives as well. No different than any other roommate relationship.

I've been married. I've lived on my own. I'm perfectly capable of taking care of myself, and my dad certainly isn't supporting me. But the whole idea that living intergenerationally is inherently a bad thing just blows my mind.

I do struggle to understand why our culture has put such a negative spin on it when in some cultures it’s the norm. What makes some folks think our way is THE way? Any other way is wrong?

 

[jdb in AZ]

A family member "offered" to move back home, and bring his girl friend. They acted like they were doing the parents (late 60-ish) a favor. This same couple had already stolen the mom's I.D. and helped themselves to the parents' investment account -- over $12,000. The son sells recreational drugs for a living and wouldn't think twice about doing drugs out of the parents' home. His driver's license was revoked because he didn't pay child support and the state won't allow him to get a new license til he pays long-overdue support. (Kids are grown now and don't want anything to do with him.) If the derelict son moved home he'd happily help himself to his parents' cars.

Um no, that just isn't gonna happen.