Adoption

[kappyfinn]

OP here. I have looked into adopting through our state and we can adopt through the state without being foster parents. We can also be as specific as we want. However, I'm really only picky about the age of the child. The child MUST be younger than my DS.

We are open to any gender or race. Being from small town AL I do worry about racism. I have just recently moved back to AL from TX, so I've been out of the small town life for a while. We decided to move back to be close to family for our kids. There are definitely pros and cons to being in a small town. Racism is a definite con.

My preacher and his wife adopted a Guatamelan child. The child's grandfather kept making comments about how he was sure the child would love tacos. So I know some comments are just ignorant, but others can be cruel.

For those of you with children that don't "look like" you do, how do you deal with those questions and comments.

 

[Mommy to Prince Noah]

For us we are lucky to live in an area that has many differnt types of families. We are also lucky enough to have a big support group of adoptive families near by but it is still very hard. We do get looks when we are out in public..I guess its because my son is so cute people can't resist staring at him. : }
I would really have to think long and hard about bringing an adopted child into a home in an area where there is alot of racism. Being adopted can come with its own issues.

 

[MyDizneyBoyz]

For those of you with children that don't "look like" you do, how do you deal with those questions and comments.

Even here in a racially diverse part of NJ, we get the occasional comments from random strangers. It's amazing what some people will just say out of the blue - I compare it to when I was pregnant and total strangers felt it was okay to come up and rub my belly.

I think the most important thing to remember is that ANY answer you give when your children are around has to be one that is considerate of THEM (the kids). I have found that the best answer to just about any question is a smile and "Why do you ask?" as it usually makes them stop and think and realize that the question may be inappropriate.

All our kids will encounter rude people, racism, and other social issues so I try to model the behavior I'd want them to use when confronted with these things. Sometimes comments are simple curiousity and a brief, friendly answer works, sometimes comments are rude and something along the lines of "I'm sorry, I don't believe in discussing my family with strangers" is appropriate. Honestly, it depends on my mood and whether I feel like using it as a teaching moment or just want to get going.

 

[canadianjovigirl]

Our son was also adopted thru the foster care system and i could not imagine my life without him My girls were 4 and 10 when he was placed with us at almost 7 years old. He is now almost 13 and we have had our ups and downs but i do not regret welcoming him into our home ever. For now i am content with my family, but may adopt again in the future as there are so many kids needing homes and it really does turn a life around

My son looks nothing like us and nobody has ever really questioned it and it is kinda funny as my girls both look like my husband (oldest daughter is not his bio child) and my son looks alot like my nephew so when we could camp with all the kids we did get alot of comments that you could tell the boys were brothers and the girls sure looked like their dad we never said anything just smiled and chuckled to ourselves that if only they knew how mixed our family really was.

Good luck in what ever method you choose, adoption is a wonderful thing

 

[redandblue]

DH and I have talked about adoption. We have a 3yo DS and a 1yo DD and are 34. I would love to have three kids but do not want to get pregnant until DD is 3 and buy then I would be 37yo. So we think we may want to try foster to adopt a 3-4 yo when our youngest is 4 or 5.

My DH's Sister my SIL adopted two boys through Catholic Charities and my cousin adopted 2 girls through Adoption Associates. Both are from Michigan SIL's oldest is biracial and youngest is black. My cousin's girls are both blonde hair blue eyed who look more like my cousin and her husband than my bio kids look me.

 

[crisi]

OP here. I have looked into adopting through our state and we can adopt through the state without being foster parents. We can also be as specific as we want. However, I'm really only picky about the age of the child. The child MUST be younger than my DS.

We are open to any gender or race. Being from small town AL I do worry about racism. I have just recently moved back to AL from TX, so I've been out of the small town life for a while. We decided to move back to be close to family for our kids. There are definitely pros and cons to being in a small town. Racism is a definite con.

My preacher and his wife adopted a Guatamelan child. The child's grandfather kept making comments about how he was sure the child would love tacos. So I know some comments are just ignorant, but others can be cruel.

For those of you with children that don't "look like" you do, how do you deal with those questions and comments.

We acknowledge the obvious reality, as positively as we can.

And I'll tell you some things - my Asian son has a lot of Asian friends - my White daughter's friends are White. My Asian son eats more rice, garlic and chili than I'd think possible, my white child doesn't like spicy foods. And some of that IS LIKELY in-vitro exposure to foods and some of that IS human nature. Your friends child is likely to like tacos. Grandfather may have been making that comment out of ignorance, but science backs him up.

On the other hand, when people would ask us when he was young how we'd understand him - or people ask him now if he speaks Chinese - we look confused. "What?, I don't understand what you are asking?" They think through the question and usually realize how stupid they are being.

Honestly, we don't get many questions - but we live in Minnesota where international adoption is VERY common. And we live in a part of Minnesota with a large Asian population. Our son doesn't look like us - but he looks like a lot of his classmates. And our family looks like a lot of other families.

 

[DopeyDame]

So far I haven't gotten too many comments or questions about DS. My "favorite" was at my Grandmother's 90th birthday. She was introducing me to one of her friends who also has an Asian adopted Great Grandchild (a daughter from China). The two then had a long conversation about how lucky they (the great grandmoms) are to have Asian great grandkids, "because those people are SO smart!" Of course, my kid's a genius, so it wasn't a totally incorrect thing to say.
I do occasionally get "Where's he from?" from random strangers, but ~90% of the time they are asking because they also have an adopted child or are thinking about adoption, so I don't mind that at all.
Anyway, one of the reasons we adopted from Korea is because my DH's best friend was adopted from Korea and my Godmother adopted two girls from Korea, so we had at least a little bit of a support system for him already in place. We're also on email lists for the Korea adoption group in our area, although we haven't made it to any of their activities yet.

When considering your adoption path, do take a really realistic look at the resources you have available in your area. Clearly, any child is better off in a loving, stable, home regardless of race, rather than being shuffled around a foster care system or left in an orphanage. That said, you want to make sure you have the emotional and social resources to really support your child at all stages of his or her life. I certainly never had any doubts about my being able to love and care for an African American 4 year old boy. But I did stress a lot about how I would react when that same child was 16 years old and was pulled over for "driving while black" or - God forbid! - got arrested for being in the wrong place in the wrong skin color. Would I be able to model the behavior I'd want him to use? Could I provide positive AA male role models for him? Would I be able to help him handle his rage not having ever personally experienced that type of treatment? Would he be receptive to my comforting and advice? These are TOUGH questions that I think sometimes people don't think through - it's easy to care for a baby or a little kid regardless of their background (well... as the mom of a kid about to enter the terrible twos, "easy" may not be the right word... ;-) but are you able to provide everything that child will need to develop into a confident young person?
Only you and DH are able to answer that. There are plenty of very successful families who have adopted minority children in very white areas, and plenty of... less sensitive... families that ignore their kid's culture despite plenty of diversity around them. Just make sure you're honest with yourselves about your resources and intentions.
The fact that you're even thinking about these issues means you're on the right path and WAY ahead of a lot of people!

 

[DopeyDame]

Sorry... one more thought! This is a really interesting article I ran across that really addresses the issue of race and adoption in a different way.
http://www.newsweek.com/2009/04/22/raising-katie.html

 

[kappyfinn]

Sorry... one more thought! This is a really interesting article I ran across that really addresses the issue of race and adoption in a different way.
http://www.newsweek.com/2009/04/22/raising-katie.html

Wow. Great article. Very interesting.

And I did find out more information today too. After talking with the state this morning, they advised us to go through private adoption since we were looking into adopting a young child.

We've just started gathering our information for the past week or so. There's so much out there. I thank you all on here that have given us information and thoughts. Even with all the information and misinformation I've ran across, I still believe in my heart adopting is the right thing for us.

 

[annacali]

And I'll tell you some things - my Asian son has a lot of Asian friends - my White daughter's friends are White. My Asian son eats more rice, garlic and chili than I'd think possible, my white child doesn't like spicy foods. And some of that IS LIKELY in-vitro exposure to foods and some of that IS human nature. Your friends child is likely to like tacos. Grandfather may have been making that comment out of ignorance, but science backs him up.

LOL, I am mom to 2 Guatemalan DDs and while one does like traditional Guatemalan food and would eat her weight in rice and black beans, the other one eats pasta, pasta and more pasta! Spaghetti 7 nights a week if I would let her and won't touch rice or beans. So go figure. We swear she is Guatemalan by way of Italy.

Honestly I was so sensitive to these questions when they were young and now that they are 6 and 8 and have been home for 6 and 8 years, and everyone around us just knows our family, I can get totally confused when the question comes up. Where are we from? Kansas, of course, why do you ask? and it isn't until I see the blank looks that I even remember that my beautiful dark haired, dark eyed, dark skinned daughters don't look like pale blond me, and remember that they are asking a different question. I have learned to ask questions in return to find out the source of the curiousity...if they are like yourself and interested in adoption, I will be happy to share our experience (though never the girls' stories, those are theirs to share) and if it is merely curiosity, I simply say something to the effect of "they were born in Guatemala but we live in Kansas now" and move on with a smile.

 

[crisi]

LOL, I am mom to 2 Guatemalan DDs and while one does like traditional Guatemalan food and would eat her weight in rice and black beans, the other one eats pasta, pasta and more pasta! Spaghetti 7 nights a week if I would let her and won't touch rice or beans. So go figure. We swear she is Guatemalan by way of Italy.

Honestly I was so sensitive to these questions when they were young and now that they are 6 and 8 and have been home for 6 and 8 years, and everyone around us just knows our family, I can get totally confused when the question comes up. Where are we from? Kansas, of course, why do you ask? and it isn't until I see the blank looks that I even remember that my beautiful dark haired, dark eyed, dark skinned daughters don't look like pale blond me, and remember that they are asking a different question. I have learned to ask questions in return to find out the source of the curiousity...if they are like yourself and interested in adoption, I will be happy to share our experience (though never the girls' stories, those are theirs to share) and if it is merely curiosity, I simply say something to the effect of "they were born in Guatemala but we live in Kansas now" and move on with a smile.

Yep. There WERE more questions from strangers when he was little - I haven't had a comment in YEARS. And I seldom remember he is "different" and stands out - unless we are somewhere that becomes pertinent. But for the most part, even when we got them, it was seldom a big deal. If you don't make a big deal of it - it really isn't. And there are a couple of standard answers ("why do you ask," "yes, they are siblings," "I'm sorry, we consider that information private") that go a long way.

We were in Hawaii, and there, I noticed that my Asian son looked like he "fit in" easily (he has, in some ways, a very Polynesian face) - but it isn't something I think about one way or another in Minnesota - where blond hair and blue eyes are very common.

 

[hoosiergirl7]

IOh, also, birthparents don't have the right to come back at any time. It varies by state, so check your states laws or any state you are willing to work with. Our son came from Texas and at that time birthparents had 30 days, but they had to get a lawyer and set up a court hearing. My son's birthparents' parental rights were permanently terminated at that 30 day mark. They could not come back after that, it was done. Good luck!

I don't know how long ago you adopted your son but we tried to adopt from TX in 2003 (birth mother changed her mind). Back then the birth mother had to wait 48 hrs after birth to relinquish her rights and when she did it was final. There was no 30 day waiting period. We successfully adopted our son from Oklahoma 9 months later and in his situation his birth mother had to go to court to relinquish her rights. Once she did that, it too was final. He was born on a Wed and she went to court the following Monday.

This is to the OP about adoption.

We've done both international and domestic. Both have their challenges. With our son it was nearly a 3 yr journey with several birth moms changing their minds before their babies were born and 1 birth mom who changed her mind after we had spent 2 days taking care of the little girl we thought was going to be our daughter.

We adopted our daughter from China nearly 2 yrs ago. She was a special needs adoption. When we decided to adopt from China we were open to either a healthy little girl or a child who needed medical care. Our daughter was born with a cleft lip & palate and deaf. Her lip was repaired in China. We repaired the palate here in the US. Our daughter is not a candidate for cochlear implants since her deafness was not created by a cochlea issues. She was actually born with a disorder called microtia which is malformation of the ears - the inner and outer parts of her ears never formed correctly. We waited from Dec 2006 until July 2009 for her. It was 3 1/2 yrs. We would still be waiting if we weren't open to a child with a special need.

We still haven't decided if we're going to adopt a 3rd child or not. But I'm about 100% certain that if we do adopt again we will go the international route again. Although we waited longer for our daughter, we never had to worry about a birth mother changing her mind. And for us, one newborn was enough. We adopted our daughter when she was 18 months old and thought it was a great age to adopt.

There are pro's and con's of foster care. You have to be one tough cookie to handle kids moving in and out of your house. I know of positive stories about foster care adoptions but I also have a few of people getting burned by the system, badly. Promises of adopting children to have them removed from the home. We also have friends of ours who had a sibling group that went horrible wrong. I don't want to go into detail since it isn't my place but the children had A LOT of issues and nearly destroyed the couple (not the marriage).

Do your research. Find families in your area who have adopted domestically, internationally, and through foster care to find out what they went through. It will help you decide what's best for you.

Good luck in what ever you decide!

 

[dhardawa]

I know you didn't ask for it, but here is my adoption story. I need to update it. The new baby was born in January and he is now living with the family who adopted Max's brother. It looks like it will end up with them adopting him too. They are coming over Sunday so we will get to meet him and the older boys can play. But, here you go!

I had a horrible pregnancy and delivery with Emily (life threatening) and knew another biological child wasn't in the future for me. I also desperately wanted a boy and knew my luck and was positive I'd be one of those moms with five girls! I wanted to adopt, but thought it was too expensive and that no birth mother would ever choose me because I was a single mom. Then, through a parenting board, I met a lady who was also a single mom and in the process of adopting through foster care. Her son was 18 months old at the time. We talked quite a bit, but I always had a bunch of excuses as to why I couldn't do it. I kind of set an unwritten list of criteria for myself including having a bigger house, making more money, etc. These were things that seemed unattainable at the time.

Fast forward about five years. I was sitting here one day and realized I had attained all the things on my list and really didn't have any excuses anymore. I still really wanted to adopt a little boy so I sat down and talked with Emily about it. She was 100% on board. In April 2007, I started the classes just to see if it was for me and it seemed easier than I expected. I went through the mountain of paperwork and home studies. By July, everything was complete and I just had to wait for all the background checks to come back and for my license to arrive. In August, I left a message with the lady who did the licensing to see what the status was. The following day, at 3:45 pm, I got a call from her. I assumed she was giving me the status on my license. Instead, she told me there was a two day old baby boy at the hospital and asked me if I'd like him.

I told my boss I had to leave, called my mom, and headed home to get the car seat. I stopped at the daycare and asked the owner if she had room for a newborn. She did and told me to just let her know when he'd need to start. I grabbed Emily and we went to the hospital. When we got to the nursery, his mom was in the back with him and we had to wait in the hall. A few minutes later, she came out a side door and walked away (her back was to me the whole time) hysterical. I felt horrible. I felt like a baby stealer. This was one of the few times I got a glance at her. I went into the nursery telling myself that if he was ugly, it didn't matter because kids never look like they do as newborns. The nurse wheeled him over to me feet first and I couldn't see his face. As I walked around the little bed, I saw the most beautiful little face and immediately fell in love. Here he is the night we came home.

I soon found out a lot about his mother. She was 19, had been a foster child pretty much her whole life. Her mother was a prostitute and drug addict and she didn't know her father. She was bounced from home to home and was severely physically, sexually, and emotionally abused in foster care. As a teenager, she had developed borderline personality disorder due to the abuse she suffered and had been in and out of mental hospitals. She has been arrested and had bragged about how she was going to kill the baby, she had drank bleach trying to kill him, and continually beat herself in the stomach. In jail, she was caught tying bedsheets together to hang herself. At this point she had been moved to the psych ward at the hospital and induced at 38 weeks.

She was given two hours of highly supervised visitation a week. She was to arrive before us, be taken into the visitation room, and then we would arrive and the supervisor would come get the baby. We did the reverse at pickup time. We were to have no contact because she had a history of being very violent. She was in a homeless shelter when she got out of the psych ward and while she was there, they brought her to visits. She came pretty regularly for about 8 weeks, but wasn't taking part in any other parts of her plan. Then, she stopped coming to visits when she moved out of the homeless shelter.

For months, no one knew where she was. No father ever came forward. About the time we were set to go to court for termination, she popped up pregnant again. That put everything on hold because her attorney argued that she couldn't take her medication while she was pregnant (even though she hadn't been taking it before). In November 2008, she gave birth to another baby boy who was taken into foster care in a different state (we live on a state line). Court cases dragged on another seven months being continued again and again. At one point, she was offered a goodbye visit and declined. Her attorney about choked to death when she declined and managed to talk her into it because it looked so bad in court when she said she didn't want to see him. We did the goodbye visit. She saw him for an hour. When she left, the caseworker told her to tell him goodbye like she was never going to see him again. She looked at him and said, "Well, bye." and walked out. Finally, in June 2009, they were waiting for a courtroom for over two hours. The caseworker said she was getting more and more agitated and finally asked, "How much longer is this going to take. I have things to do." The papers for voluntary termination had been drawn up previously and she was asked if she would like to just sign him over and be done with it. She agreed.

Within about a month, her rights on the new baby were also terminated. Both boys have now been adopted and are happy and healthy. We have a wonderful relationship with his younger brother's family and see them regularly. They are very much a part of our extended family now. We even had pictures done last fall.

His mom is pregnant again so I go back into worrying mode. I want this baby to have the life Max and his brother have, but there is so much unknown. The worry doesn't end at the adoption. Now I worry for his future siblings and for his mom as well. I feel nothing but pity for her. She didn't ask for her life to be like this and I'm sure this isn't what she would have chosen for herself. But, the damage is done and she won't be getting better.

 

[dhardawa]

For those of you with children that don't "look like" you do, how do you deal with those questions and comments.

I'm light skinned and blonde. Neither of my kids look like me even though my daughter is my biological child. Most people who see Max assume his dad is Hispanic for whatever reason. In reality, his mother is biracial and his father is white. People do ask questions and my response depends on who they are. If it is someone in the grocery store just being nosy, I gloss over it. If it is someone we're semi-close with, I tell them the truth. I'm very proud of my son and how he came to me. I think lying about it would just make him grow up thinking I'm ashamed of having adopted him which couldn't be farther from the truth. But, in this day and age, most people don't even ask. Adoption is very common as are interracial relationships.

 

[dhardawa]

I do occasionally get "Where's he from?" from random strangers, but ~90% of the time they are asking because they also have an adopted child or are thinking about adoption, so I don't mind that at all.

I find this to be the case too. It blows me away how many people either were adopted, have adopted, have close family members who have adopted, were foster children themselves, or want to adopt. No one who has said anything about Max not looking like me was doing it in a mean way.

When he was just a few months old, I had a lady approach me in Wal Mart though and asked, "What nationality is he?" I just kind of stood there. I didn't know what to say. I almost responded, "He's American", but then she said, "Is he white?" I just nodded and walked off.

 

[kappyfinn]

Thanks for sharing. Your children are adorable. And the birth mom is so fortunate that responsible families are now families to her own children.

I am like a sponge right now...trying to soak up as much as I can.

Our journey is literally just beginning. I know it will be a long one. I don't expect anything to happen immediately. If it takes many years then that is what it takes.

 

[kappyfinn]

I am interested in reading about the foster to adopt experiences. The state rep I talked to suggested we go through private adoption. But, I'm not certain that's what I want to do. From what I've read, my
DH and I will be way down on the priority list for private adoption since we have bio children. And I'm perfectly okay with that. I would prefer a childless couple have priority over us.

From what I'm hearing, it is possible to adopt a young child through foster care when she made it seem like it wasn't. My preacher and his wife adopted newborns through the foster system twice. And I don't necessarily want a newborn. I just prefer that any child we adopt be younger than my DS to keep birth order. As of today, that is one year old. But it's a moving target. As I mentioned in an earlier post, he will probably be close to 2 when we are ready.

We haven't ruled out international adoption either. I've just been focusing more on domestic today.

 

[MommyBell08]

My husband and I had all our paperwork in to start our domestic infant adoption when I found out I got pregnant the month we started with the agency. We were working through Bethany Christian Services. They need a referral from a pastor or preacher, or someone at the church you attend to make sure the child is going to a Christian home, but the cost is on a sliding scale based off your income, and they were a joy to work with. We will be adopting with them someday. They also do the foster to adoption program, and international adoption in lots of different countries, and are very nice to work with compaired to working with the state. I have heard some people say Bethany isnt the best to work with, but we thought they were just wonderful. Good luck and God bless! Cant wait to see what road you go down to meet your new lo!

 

[dhardawa]

I am interested in reading about the foster to adopt experiences. The state rep I talked to suggested we go through private adoption. But, I'm not certain that's what I want to do. From what I've read, my
DH and I will be way down on the priority list for private adoption since we have bio children. And I'm perfectly okay with that. I would prefer a childless couple have priority over us.

From what I'm hearing, it is possible to adopt a young child through foster care when she made it seem like it wasn't. My preacher and his wife adopted newborns through the foster system twice. And I don't necessarily want a newborn. I just prefer that any child we adopt be younger than my DS to keep birth order. As of today, that is one year old. But it's a moving target. As I mentioned in an earlier post, he will probably be close to 2 when we are ready.

We haven't ruled out international adoption either. I've just been focusing more on domestic today.

For young babies, you will have to plan to foster first. Many newborns are taken from their parents. A lot of them are born with drugs in their systems, but around here, they will also take a newborn if s/he has older siblings in foster care or if the parent has lost kids to the state before. I could make you a list of people I know who have adopted through foster care and got their children as newborns. My case worker said those were the hardest to place because a newborn is a lot of work and most of their foster families don't want to mess with it. When I took my foster parent training, I was the only person in the whole class interested in newborns. My case worker's department had one week where they had to place 7 newborns and she said it was a really tough week.

 

[canadianjovigirl]

I am interested in reading about the foster to adopt experiences. The state rep I talked to suggested we go through private adoption. But, I'm not certain that's what I want to do. From what I've read, my
DH and I will be way down on the priority list for private adoption since we have bio children. And I'm perfectly okay with that. I would prefer a childless couple have priority over us.

From what I'm hearing, it is possible to adopt a young child through foster care when she made it seem like it wasn't. My preacher and his wife adopted newborns through the foster system twice. And I don't necessarily want a newborn. I just prefer that any child we adopt be younger than my DS to keep birth order. As of today, that is one year old. But it's a moving target. As I mentioned in an earlier post, he will probably be close to 2 when we are ready.

We haven't ruled out international adoption either. I've just been focusing more on domestic today.

My son ended up being a foster to adopt as they had to remove him from his current foster home (long sad story) prior to having all the documents in place for his actual adoption so rather than move him to another home (as he had been in alot) they just speed up our visitation schedule and moved him in with us and we took the chance while waiting for the paperwork to be done. He was older than what you were looking for as we had requested a child between our 2 bio kids ages. Ours did take well over a year as alot of other family came out of the woodwork and thought about contesting the adoption, but thankfully for us they all had a history of being apart of his abuse so it was not an issue at all.