A Wedding WWYD?

[TipsyTraveler]

I ask this sincerely and without snark: Are aunts (and uncles and cousins, etc.) typically that important to the bride and groom that they should twist themselves into knots and cancel longstanding plans to be in attendance? I don't mean situations where there happens to be an exceptionally close aunt/nephew bond, for example, but just generally speaking... Is the average bride or groom going to be that broken up over the absence of an extended relative?

When I think about my nieces' future weddings I think yeah, I would definitely make a strong effort to be there; it would be weird not to. But then I think about it from my own point of view in the niece's shoes and I honestly couldn't have cared less about aunts and uncles being in attendance at my milestone life events. Not because I disliked them, but because they just weren't so vitally important to me that their absence would ruin my day. It was nice when they could make it and no big deal whatsoever when they couldn't.

I think once your relation to the bride and groom falls outside the immediate family and core circle of friends, you can probably send your regrets without needing to worry that you're going to break any hearts.

 

[QueenIsabella]

TipsyTraveler, you make a good point. Our niece got married a couple years ago, and we didn't get invited. She had a very small ceremony in a park (!!! No idea on the availability of facilities...). We live 800 miles away. She had it on a Tuesday, and worked very hard to accommodate her grandmother. We're glad she did--Grandma died this past summer, so this was the only "grandkid" wedding she was able to attend. Grandma being there was much more important, IMHO, than us attending.

That said, we sent a nice card with a nice check. We love our niece and wish her well. We understand her reasoning. Had we been closer, of course we would have liked to have gone, but life doesn't always work out the way you want it to. We didn't have other plans that interfered--well, except for life in general, with 4 kids and three cats and a dog, 800 miles away. So, the logistics would have been tricky. Still, I think DH would have gone, if we'd known--but again, no big deal, we don't feel slighted. I think for our niece it was more a no-win--invite us, it looks like a money-grab, don't invite us, we look left out.

 

[Christine]

When I got married a bazillion years ago, I did want all my aunts and uncles there. There were only 4 of them. I was very close to all of them because, for a time, I lived with them or they watched me when my mother was working for YEARS. I am also an only child and my aunts/uncles and cousins were a huge part of my family life. So, while I would have disappointed if the couldn't make it, I would never get mad. But I did go out of my way to ensure that my wedding date was not in the way of anything else they had to do.

My DH and I have a more typical relationship with nieces/nephews now so I don't think our lack of attendance would be a major deal.

 

[luvsJack]

I ask this sincerely and without snark: Are aunts (and uncles and cousins, etc.) typically that important to the bride and groom that they should twist themselves into knots and cancel longstanding plans to be in attendance? I don't mean situations where there happens to be an exceptionally close aunt/nephew bond, for example, but just generally speaking... Is the average bride or groom going to be that broken up over the absence of an extended relative?

When I think about my nieces' future weddings I think yeah, I would definitely make a strong effort to be there; it would be weird not to. But then I think about it from my own point of view in the niece's shoes and I honestly couldn't have cared less about aunts and uncles being in attendance at my milestone life events. Not because I disliked them, but because they just weren't so vitally important to me that their absence would ruin my day. It was nice when they could make it and no big deal whatsoever when they couldn't.

I think once your relation to the bride and groom falls outside the immediate family and core circle of friends, you can probably send your regrets without needing to worry that you're going to break any hearts.

In some families yes it’s a big deal. Actually in most families I know it is.

Dd has picked her date to accommodate her brother but the location will be to make it so her aunts and uncles will be able to attend. And they will be there. Two of her uncles will take part in the ceremony as officiants (not sure how that will work out but it’s what she wants).

Now to say “it would ruin her day” is a bit much, but she would feel their absence. They have all attended the big things in her life. All have made at least one concert. And this is both sides—mine and dh’s

My aunts on my mom’s side all lived far away. They all were present at my graduation and my wedding. I wouldn’t have been upset if they had not but I was very happy that they were there.

 

[mi*vida*loca]

I ask this sincerely and without snark: Are aunts (and uncles and cousins, etc.) typically that important to the bride and groom that they should twist themselves into knots and cancel longstanding plans to be in attendance? I don't mean situations where there happens to be an exceptionally close aunt/nephew bond, for example, but just generally speaking... Is the average bride or groom going to be that broken up over the absence of an extended relative?

When I think about my nieces' future weddings I think yeah, I would definitely make a strong effort to be there; it would be weird not to. But then I think about it from my own point of view in the niece's shoes and I honestly couldn't have cared less about aunts and uncles being in attendance at my milestone life events. Not because I disliked them, but because they just weren't so vitally important to me that their absence would ruin my day. It was nice when they could make it and no big deal whatsoever when they couldn't.

I think once your relation to the bride and groom falls outside the immediate family and core circle of friends, you can probably send your regrets without needing to worry that you're going to break any hearts.

Yes in some families it is a big deal. My mother has 5 sisters. My mother is the oldest and I'm the first grand child. Since I'm close in age to most of them I grew up very tight knit with them. They were all at my justice of the peace wedding. I couldn't imagine it without them there. And this was on a Thursday afternoon so they took off of work to be there. I won't say it would've ruined my day though but I was happy that they were there.

I also sent out a mass text before booking my son's graduation party to make sure no one had vacation plans and would be able to make it.

We also just recently went to a destination wedding in Dominican Republic for my SO's cousin's wedding. It was very important to us to go. My SO is very close with his cousin. There were 70 people who went to this destination wedding...family and friends that we call family. We are very close knit.

I do notice that I come from a culture where family is very important. It's usually not the norm in what I see around me though.

 

[nkereina]

For those of you who check with extended family before deciding on dates for events like this: Would you be upset if your relative said they were free on that date and then something came up and they could not attend?

In the OP's case, if the nephew changes his wedding date to accommodate the OP, then I would think the OP would really need to be there on the new date come hell or high water. I wouldn't want someone changing a date on my account, especially this far out, expecting me to commit to it. You never know what will happen - DH had unexpected knee surgery this year for example. Ya just never know.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Each family dynamic can be very very different!!!

Having said that, just common sense to me... the Nephew should not be asked/expected to arrange a date around an Aunt. Unless it were considered to be a unique and very close relationship.
And, on the other hand... An Aunt/Uncle should not be asked/expected to change major plans and jump thru hoops and change their major plans.

In general, neither side would have adequate justification to be come angry or manipulative because their convenience or desires were not at the forefront.
That is a dark side of human nature that I just prefer to ignore and not have to deal with.

 

[Wishing on a star]

About trying to plan based on too many extended family members.
I can attest that this can backfire... such as the Nephew changing the wedding date, and then it becomes an even more inconvenient date.

I have been a part of a very large group, and have managed the group reunion. (over 100 people)
I made on mistake when nailing down the date, but I thought the weekend went off very very well !!!!
The next year, the designated planner put out emails and texts asking everyone select from a few different locations and dates.
A city about two hours from us was chosen, and we attended. Even though that city/urban location and accomodations were not, IMHO, well suited for our group that included many kids.
Anyhow, when we showed up, the person who planned it told us that NOT ONE PERSON who had selected/voted for that city ended up coming!!!!

 

[punkin]

I'm not going to comment on OP's situation, but my DD is getting married this year. When we picked the date, we tried to make it easy for everyone close to the bride and groom, mostly that meant accommodating my side of the family who live far away. DD wanted all her cousins there, so college schedules had to be taken into account. We sent out save the date cards early, even though the invitations will not go out until 8-10 weeks before the event. We already got some fairly close family telling me they can't make that date. It's ok. I'm not insulted if my octogenarian aunt can't fly cross country to be there.

On the other hand, DD cleared the date with one nephew before she even booked anything. If he doesn't show up, I will be furious, particularly since I offered to pay for his cross country flight if he can't afford it.

 

[TipsyTraveler]

Okay, so for those who do consider extended relatives vital to the guest list, at what point do you draw the line? Let's say between them a bride and groom have 4 siblings, 4 parents, 10 grandparents (allowing for one divorce and remarriage), 12 aunts, 7 uncles, 19 cousins, 2 nieces, 1 nephew, plus all the respective spouses to go along with all of those people. Then throw in another 5 or so BFFs.

Are the bride and groom really expected to find a date that works for that many people? And even if that was possible, that magic date also needs to work for the selected venue, the wedding planner, officiant, photographer, etc. And what if there is no date that works for everyone? Should the bride and groom just keep delaying their wedding indefinitely until everyone else's schedules are clear? What happens when when you throw a beloved, but ailing, grandpa into the mix who doesn't have a lot of time left? Pressure to get married ASAP, but aunt Hilda has that cruise and Uncle Mark has that business trip and cousin Jenny is going to have her baby any day now...

When does it get so ridiculous that the bride and groom are free to say "Screw it, we're getting married on this day and whoever can make it, great, and if you can't, oh well"?

ETA: In the OP's situation she's not even communicating directly with the nephew herself, everything's going through her brother, so I doubt this is one of those cases where they have a particularly close relationship.

 

[luvsJack]

For those of you who check with extended family before deciding on dates for events like this: Would you be upset if your relative said they were free on that date and then something came up and they could not attend?

In the OP's case, if the nephew changes his wedding date to accommodate the OP, then I would think the OP would really need to be there on the new date come hell or high water. I wouldn't want someone changing a date on my account, especially this far out, expecting me to commit to it. You never know what will happen - DH had unexpected knee surgery this year for example. Ya just never know.

DD hasn't checked with anyone but DS who will be there. The only other thing we did was ask her aunt when her cousin is planning to get married (he became engaged right before dd). They assured us it would not be in October so taking that as similar, I would be furious if suddenly they were getting married the same weekend.

I agree with you, if the OP says something and the nephew changes his dates, imo, she has a responsibility then to be there no matter what.

 

[NHdisneylover]

on the extended relative front:


it was mentioned to us that we should consider changing our wedding date as it was only 6 months after one of DH's cousins. Half his extended family lived in one state and half in the other---and it was "unfair" that relatives from further away would have to either travel twice in one year or choose which wedding to attend. Then again, the next year a different cousin was planning on getting married---and we were told since he was older we should defer that year to him. DH is the yougnest of the cousins and there were 12 married in the course of 9 years---should we really have delayed 8 years so no one felt the had to choose? I mean, seriously!!!
DH just let the person telling us that know that we fully understood that people might not be able to travel for two weddings--and that was fine, we would not be at all offended if people could not make it. He followed up with pointing out that if we WERE going to schedule more around relatives, we'd have moved the wedding out of state to where all of MY extended family lived (which would mean all of his relatives who wanted to attend would need to travel)

Again, it goes back to that in the vast majority of cases not everyone can be accomidated. Yes, we wanted to share our special day with those we loved---but we also wanted to be married after graduating college, have children, etc---no one particular guest was imporatnt enough for us to delay all of that for trying to find the one magical date everyone was happy with.

 

[cabanafrau]

on the extended relative front:


it was mentioned to us that we should consider changing our wedding date as it was only 6 months after one of DH's cousins. Half his extended family lived in one state and half in the other---and it was "unfair" that relatives from further away would have to either travel twice in one year or choose which wedding to attend. Then again, the next year a different cousin was planning on getting married---and we were told since he was older we should defer that year to him. DH is the yougnest of the cousins and there were 12 married in the course of 9 years---should we really have delayed 8 years so no one felt the had to choose? I mean, seriously!!!
DH just let the person telling us that know that we fully understood that people might not be able to travel for two weddings--and that was fine, we would not be at all offended if people could not make it. He followed up with pointing out that if we WERE going to schedule more around relatives, we'd have moved the wedding out of state to where all of MY extended family lived (which would mean all of his relatives who wanted to attend would need to travel)

Again, it goes back to that in the vast majority of cases not everyone can be accomidated. Yes, we wanted to share our special day with those we loved---but we also wanted to be married after graduating college, have children, etc---no one particular guest was imporatnt enough for us to delay all of that for trying to find the one magical date everyone was happy with.

It sounds as if you're suggesting there are limits on reality. Seems to be a challenging concept for some people when it comes to the topic of weddings.

 

[mi*vida*loca]

No I wouldn't be mad if some didn't attend.

And of course there is a limit. No one date will ever be perfect for everyone but I would try to pick a date that would accommodate most.

 

[Pink Partridge]

I do notice that I come from a culture where family is very important. It's usually not the norm in what I see around me though.

I think family is important in most cultures.

 

[design_mom]

For those of you who check with extended family before deciding on dates for events like this: Would you be upset if your relative said they were free on that date and then something came up and they could not attend?

We checked with quite a few members of extended family before we chose our date. Honestly, if they had not been able to come or had not been able to commit, I wouldn't have been super upset (I was an adult and I understand that people have commitments, etc.) but if they *did* want to come, we wanted to make it as convenient as possible.

Once they said they were coming and we chose a date based on their availability then I was expecting them to come barring unforeseen, extenuating circumstances. And most of them did come -- 2 families did not, but both had "good reasons." One was elderly and canceled at the last minute because she was not feeling well (what can you do), and we had a long engagement and someone else got pregnant and was too far along to travel safely (She was planning to come and wasn't pregnant when we picked the date. I understand why she couldn't come. Very happy for her and totally understood why she couldn't come after all. I wasn't mad in the least.) I might have been a little miffed if someone just decided not to come after telling me they could if I picked a certain date -- but things like illness/injury, change in financial situation, issue with children/elderly family members, etc... would have been totally understanding.

Are the bride and groom really expected to find a date that works for that many people? And even if that was possible, that magic date also needs to work for the selected venue, the wedding planner, officiant, photographer, etc. And what if there is no date that works for everyone? Should the bride and groom just keep delaying their wedding indefinitely until everyone else's schedules are clear? What happens when when you throw a beloved, but ailing, grandpa into the mix who doesn't have a lot of time left? Pressure to get married ASAP, but aunt Hilda has that cruise and Uncle Mark has that business trip and cousin Jenny is going to have her baby any day now...

We picked our date first. Well, we knew we were planning to get married in my parish church, so I got a list of available dates from the church, consulted the people we wanted to consult, then booked the date. After we had the date, everything else was booked from there (reception venue, photographer, etc. were all booked later.) It's all about priorities. Making sure certain people could come (if they wanted to) was more important to us than the perfect venue, a specific photographer, etc. I am always kind of shocked when people say "we wanted to invite 110 people, but our venue only holds 80." I would never book a venue that wouldn't hold my guest list... but everybody puts their priorities in a different order, I guess.

And, of course, not everybody can always be accommodated. We were able to accommodate everyone we wanted to accommodate... but if you have an ailing grandpa who doesn't have much time left and a beloved aunt who has to request vacation time a year in advance, sometimes you can't make it work for everyone. Then you have to decide which is the priority. But saying "screw it... we'll get married when we want and where we want and we won't consider anybody else" was not our choice.

 

[TipsyTraveler]

We picked our date first. Well, we knew we were planning to get married in my parish church, so I got a list of available dates from the church, consulted the people we wanted to consult, then booked the date. After we had the date, everything else was booked from there (reception venue, photographer, etc. were all booked later.) It's all about priorities. Making sure certain people could come (if they wanted to) was more important to us than the perfect venue, a specific photographer, etc. I am always kind of shocked when people say "we wanted to invite 110 people, but our venue only holds 80." I would never book a venue that wouldn't hold my guest list... but everybody puts their priorities in a different order, I guess.

And, of course, not everybody can always be accommodated. We were able to accommodate everyone we wanted to accommodate... but if you have an ailing grandpa who doesn't have much time left and a beloved aunt who has to request vacation time a year in advance, sometimes you can't make it work for everyone. Then you have to decide which is the priority.

I understand it's about priorities but some people are saying even extended family members should be priorities, and I just don't see how it's feasible to prioritize that many people. I know how difficult it can be to get a handful of friends together at the same time let alone multiple branches of the family tree who may be coming from all corners of the country or beyond.

 

[scrapquitler]

I ask this sincerely and without snark: Are aunts (and uncles and cousins, etc.) typically that important to the bride and groom that they should twist themselves into knots and cancel longstanding plans to be in attendance? I don't mean situations where there happens to be an exceptionally close aunt/nephew bond, for example, but just generally speaking... Is the average bride or groom going to be that broken up over the absence of an extended relative?

I can only speak for myself, but for me, NO. I have one aunt who is only 4 years older than I am. We are more like sisters than aunt/niece. We were the maid of honor for each other, so in that case, YES, having my aunt there was extremely important to me. If any of her 6 other siblings (other than my Mom, of course) couldn't be there, meh, no big deal.

 

[design_mom]

I understand it's about priorities but some people are saying even extended family members should be priorities, and I just don't see how it's feasible to prioritize that many people. I know how difficult it can be to get a handful of friends together at the same time let alone multiple branches of the family tree who may be coming from all corners of the country or beyond.

We did it. My parents. His parents. Both our sisters (bridesmaids). His grandparents (mine were no longer living). One of my aunts. Two of DH's aunts. My best friend (bridesmaid). Three of his best friends (groomsmen.) His grandparents, aunts, and one of the friends were traveling from out of state. Finding a date that worked for them was a priority.

If someone had said had said "I'm sorry... but we're just not going to be able to come" then we would have been understanding, but if it's "everyone can come on a weekend in the summer, but once school starts it will be hard" then I guess it'll be a summer wedding for us. We also had a pretty long engagement, so I think we consulted people early enough that most of them didn't have plans yet for the dates we were considering.

Also, I'm sure if we couldn't find a date that worked for everyone (we did, but hypothetically) then we would have prioritized from there. "Okay, we can't get everybody... everyone but XYZ can come on this date, and everybody except ABC can come on that date. What should we choose?"

Edited to add: The conversation went something like "Hooray! We're engaged! We are planning to get married next year and we were wondering if you thought you might be able to come? We're trying to get some input before we choose the date so we can accommodate as many people's schedules as we can. Here are some dates we were considering... " If someone had said "We've already got three out-of-state weddings planned for next year, we just can't add another." or "My elderly parents might need me, I'm not comfortable making any firm plans right now." or just "Sorry, but NONE of those dates work for us" then we probably would have continued on planning and wouldn't have expected them to come. But if it was something like "My husband's family reunion is always the last weekend in July, but we could probably come any other weekend." or "I'd love to come but my kids don't get out of school till the middle of June" or "Yes. I want to be there, but I'm starting grad school in the fall and I need to be here by the first week of August." then I'd like to know that before I picked a date.

 

[Nettester]

Your nephew is an adult. Don't make this about an issue between you and your brother. It's your nephew's wedding, plain and simple. The couple has been engaged for 5 years, and plans have changed multiple times. I would not cancel a cruise to save this date. I would not even consider it a lock for the wedding. Has your nephew sent you a save-the-date card or invitation? Has he been in touch with you personally? He should not expect his parents to be go-between communicators, or date commitment enforcers and parents don't need to automatically take on this role either. If your brother brings up the date again, I would tell him that it's too bad you will have to miss it, as you already have plans on that date. You don't need to elaborate or keep that conversation going, just keep repeating yourself if he keeps on you. If you have not heard from your nephew directly, I would do nothing at this point. Certainly I would not cancel the cruise! You honestly have no idea about the inner-workings of this wedding planning process, nor do you need to insert yourself into it. If nephew reaches out you to you, or he has already, I would respond with regrets. Send a lovely gift. If you're close, plan a dinner or get together with the couple after the cruise and his honeymoon. Don't worry about your brother. It's not his wedding and parents get a little nutty about their kids' weddings. He will have to deal.