A Terribly Spoiled Question

[Hisgirl]

How blessed am I??!

My sweet, thoughtful husband brought me flowers.

For the first time in ages, just because.

Love that.

However....they are one of the grocery store bunches and to me...the smells remind me of a funeral.

Carnations and other similar flowers you typically see in funeral arrangments.

I'm still trying to get past my Daddy and Mama both dying on the same day and burying them in a joint funeral.
And now, my den smells like Turner Funeral home.

Is there anything I can say to let him know how wonderful flowers are but.....I can't stomach the grab and go bunch the grocery stores sell. Any other flowers... just not those.

My husband is super sensitive to anything critical and he'll see this as negative towards him. Just trying to think of something creative to acknowledge the thoughtfulness but to let him know I'm hating the funeral smell in the house.

Please don't slam me. I went through the death of three friends, my heart dog, both of my parents on the same day, then breast cancer, all in 2 years. I'm just now grieving my parents and I have hyper sensitive smelling.

Just hoping for a clever thing to say , thank you!

 

[leebee]

Do you work outside the home? Can you tell him you are taking them to the office? It seems harsh to say "thanks for the flowers, but..." when he is trying to be kind. Then, months down the road when you are grocery shopping some day, you can drop a comment about how you feel when walking by the flower displays? I know this seems convoluted, but he IS being kind and considerate. (As in... "Wow. I never realized it, but the smell of this grocery store flower section reminds me of the funeral home.")

I know, we should be open and honest, but sometimes one needs to be kind and tactful, too. It's a delicate balance.

 

[Brian Noble]

Return the favor.

Buy him a bunch of flowers a few weeks from now. Mention that when you picked them, you avoided <X, Y, and Z> because you know many people don't like those particular scents, and they aren't your favorites.

In the meantime, light a candle in the den and/or move them to a larger space "so that everyone can enjoy them."

There are other ways to express your gratitude and mention your flower preferences, but this is a family site, so I won't get into details. Use your imagination.

 

[WinterSolider]

I think you're mixing two different things.

Thing 1, which is legitimate: The smell of the flowers is reminding you of death which is triggering an emotional response. This is perfectly fair and I would just say that to him explicitly. If my wife told me "thank you so much for these flowers and I don't want you to feel bad but they're reminding me of my dad's funeral and I don't think I can handle that right now," that would be just fine.

Thing 2, which would come off kind of dramatic and diva-ish, is that you're associating the smell with the fact that they're grocery store flowers. I don't think that really has anything to do with it, and I can't think of any reason why independent florist bouquets of the same plants would smell any different. Complaining about this part might come off ungrateful and seem like you want him to spend more money on fancier/more expensive flowers.

 

[Allison]

Honestly, I would appreciate the thought and not say anything.

 

[Disneylover99]

Just be honest with him.

Tell him it’s a super sweet gesture, but at the moment, the smell only reminds you of a funeral home, and your losses. I don’t think you should differentiate between grocery store bought or floral shop bought flowers. I think that point could make him sensitive.

 

[NannyBeBe]

I would not say anything to him if I were in your position. You could spray the flowers lightly with your favorite perfume.

 

[Hisgirl]

I think you're mixing two different things.

Thing 1, which is legitimate: The smell of the flowers is reminding you of death which is triggering an emotional response. This is perfectly fair and I would just say that to him explicitly. If my wife told me "thank you so much for these flowers and I don't want you to feel bad but they're reminding me of my dad's funeral and I don't think I can handle that right now," that would be just fine.

Thing 2, which would come off kind of dramatic and diva-ish, is that you're associating the smell with the fact that they're grocery store flowers. I don't think that really has anything to do with it, and I can't think of any reason why independent florist bouquets of the same plants would smell any different. Complaining about this part might come off ungrateful and seem like you want him to spend more money on fancier/more expensive flowers.

Thank you for the words, truly. As far as using the term 'grocery store', I wasn't implying anything regarding money. I'm super tight with money and budget minded. I'd prefer flowers from costco to any florist and he knows that. Speaking of costco, that gives me an idea! They have an amazing selection and next time we're there, I'll stop and linger over certain flowers and smell and breathe deep and comment how wonderful it is! Yall have given me some good suggestions!

 

[WinterSolider]

Honestly, I would appreciate the thought and not say anything.

I would not say anything to him if I were in your position. You could spray the flowers lightly with your favorite perfume.

I am a husband and I would be extremely upset if I was buying my wife flowers and she pretended to like it while I essentially flushed hundreds of dollars down the toilet because she actually didn't.

 

[Hisgirl]

I am a husband and I would be extremely upset if I was buying my wife flowers and she pretended to like it while I essentially flushed hundreds of dollars down the toilet because she actually didn't.

I'm wanting to be super sensitive here and he didn't spend hundreds of dollars. These were from Kroger for about ten dollars. But the sentiment is worth a million dollars to me, that's why I want to be careful.

 

[WinterSolider]

I'm wanting to be super sensitive here and he didn't spend hundreds of dollars. These were from Kroger for about ten dollars. But the sentiment is worth a million dollars to me, that's why I want to be careful.

Right, I meant more if it became "a thing."

Like when I started buying my wife flowers and seeing how happy it made her, I started doing it more and more frequently.

 

[Hisgirl]

Right, I meant more if it became "a thing."

Like when I started buying my wife flowers and seeing how happy it made her, I started doing it more and more frequently.

YES ...that happened to me too, but not the way I wanted. I used to make jewelry, really nice stuff with pearls, sapphires, rubies, 14K gold. when we got married I told him I would love any gift but to please not buy me jewelry because I could just make anything I wanted.

He misunderstood and started buying me earrings and necklaces.

At first, I was confused. I saw how sensitive he was and wanted to be careful with his heart above anything else. I finally opened a pair of earrings and graciously thanked him and then sat him down and told him that I had enough earrings to last a lifetime and I was ....deep breath....confused as to why he bought me so many since I had gently explained I didn't need any jewelry.

That was when he shared that he had misunderstood and thought I had said, "BUY ME JEWELRY!" What on earth?

I'm a baker, a reader, a walker, a dog lover, love the beach, my family, my kitchen, love a massage and lunch out....in my 'girl eyes', I see many gifting opportunities, but he struggles. He just wants to please me but goes blank when trying to think of a gift.

I keep an amazon gift list going of anything I'd love to have but he thinks those are awful and shouldn't be used. Gifts should be figured out on ones own.

It's a tough balance....protecting his heart, and yet, protecting the budget. I don't need anything at all. And I tell him that. Which is why the little bunch of flowers was so nice, just....all funeral smelling. I thanked him profusely and meant it, the sentiment behind it....that's why I'm trying to encourage more inexpensive flower buying...but not the carnation bunch.

 

[anniemae]

I would just enjoy the flowers for the short time you have them and savor the incredibly sweet gesture.

I also don't think there is anything wrong with gently letting him know they are not your preference. Next time you need a little "pick me up"or need to buy flowers for someone, ask him to go with you. Go to a florist and pick out some you like, tell him why (I love the smell of these, I love the color of this one, these ones remind me of our wedding day etc.)

I would be honest and say how much you love this particular shop, how the flowers tend to last longer and smell better than the grocery store ones. Hopefully he will get the hint.

 

[Hisgirl]

Also, I wanted to share a gift he gave me once that was the most amazing thing.

It was incredibly creative and generous.

He knows how much I love my dear friends and I had some friends who were struggling financially. He gave me two one hundred dollar bills and asked me to take my girlfriend shopping, one for me and one for her. And to enjoy the afternoon. What an amazing gift!!

 

[Kooks and Bay Bay]

First to me ALL flowers smell like a funeral home.

Second say thank you and nothing else!

 

[mjkacmom]

I’ve been married 30 years, my husband knows not to get me flowers, they do remind me of death, and the smell in the water when it’s time to toss? No thanks. He’s also given me jewelry that he’s returned (pricey otherwise I would’ve kept it). Gift giving is not my love language, give me some chocolate covered pretzels and I’m happy (which he does).

 

[slo]

I had to be honest with my DH about flowers because the smell gives me a headache. I just told him, that I love his gift, I love the thought, I love him, but I don't love the smell because it gives me a headache. He understood and now he doesn't buy those flowers for me anymore.

Trust your DH and trust your relationship and be honest with him. You don't need to go on and on about how the smell makes you think of a funeral home, but tell him that even though the gift is meant to make you happy, that it unfortunately gives you sad memories and that flowers may not be good for you right now. Hopefully, he'll understand.

Good luck!

 

[easyas123]

For the first time in ages, just because.

Honestly, I would appreciate the thought and not say anything.

You say for the first time in ages, which leads me to presume that this doesn't happen to often - therefore you probably aren't expecting them again anytime soon? If that is the case I agree w/ @Allison above - appreciate the thought and not say anything.

And perhaps consider speaking to someone regarding your grief, it can be very helpful. And it will help you dis-associate the smell of carnations or, as you put it 'grocery store flowers' because even if he had called up a florist and had them delivered there could still have been carnations or similar flowers in that arrangement.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

My husband is super sensitive to anything critical and he'll see this as negative towards him.

Or perhaps in this case you're actually being super sensitive and seeing something as negative towards you.

Grief isn't something that one can tell someone how to do, it's very individual, but you have to recognize that part and recognize that you're going through a lot of inner stuff. Most especially here if flowers are not something you're normally getting or getting on a schedule and it's just something he did because he wanted to. This is much more about you than anything he has done and the "work" (I put that in quotes on purpose) needs to be on your side not something you need to figure out how to delicately tell your husband his gesture put you off so much (specifically in this situation).

I'd seek some outside help before you say anything to him because it will get you perspective and ways to cope as well as be prepared. Maybe it helps you disassociate the connection your brain is making, maybe it helps you articulate your feelings and thoughts so if he does get you flowers some random other time you're more prepared.

If this was a situation where he was getting you flowers on the regular and you just couldn't handle it I would change my suggestion to notify him of how you're feeling but would not change my suggestion for you to seek outside help.

 

[evilmommie]

I'm married to a super tough, manly guy and he can be super sensitive about things that he gifts me. I have learned over the years to appreciate whatever he thinks to buy me. I just love on him and say thanks!

I would either take them to work or place them in a room that isn't a prominent area in the house. Front room, powder room or a hallway. Flowers can go anywhere to be enjoyed from afar and they aren't going to last forever!