A question for parents who have lost a child

[mad4themouse]

My DB and DSIL just put their little boy into hospice care. We all know that the end is very near for our dear little Luke. It's been a rough road and an all-too-brief journey. Our hearts are broken but we're trying to stay strong for them and the remaining two children.

My question is this: What words from friends and family meant the most to those of you who have lost a child? I feel that "I'm sorry" is so inadequate but I can't think of anything that I could possibly say that would ease their pain. In looking back, can you think of anything that someone said or did that brings you comfort today? And on the flip-side, what words - even though they were well-intended - hurt more than healed?

I just want to say the right thing but even more than that, I don't want to say the wrong thing. Your help would be appreciated.

 

[Pop Daddy]

I cant imagine there pain either, I believe saying nothing and just being with them would mean alot

 

[emmy]

My brother and SIL lost their beautiful little girl and I remember just spending a lot of time with them and actually saying to my SIL that I was sorry I never knew what to say and that some times when I didn't say anything it wasn't because I didn't care but because I wasn't sure what to say.
The other thing that I know is very important to them is that people remember Bridget, so we talk about our memories of her-and we send cards to them on Bridgets birthday.

 

[Daydreamer64]

I haven't lost a child but I'm a member on a board that deals with children's death due to severe immune system disorders. My oldest son has Chronic Granulomatous Disease and we have lost three member's kids since Christmas.

My experience is to say something to the effect of- "Remember that I'm here for you and I love you". Most times the person you are addressing feels the need to reply and sometimes they just can't without breaking down --Many times a good warm long hug ( a shoulder to cry on ) is all that they can handle at the time.

I'm sorry to hear of the illness and suffering of a child. We've have had several family members (including their Grandfather who we lived with ) die in the last few years.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

My former neighbor had one of her twins die and from what I could tell just being there and not ignoring them because you do not know what to say was very important to her.
She said that some of her family members chose to stay away instead of just being there for a shoulder to cry on.
I don't think there is anything you can "say" really but you can "do" things. Of course when the time comes you will do what is natural to you. My prayers are with your family.

 

[Disney Doll]

Your presence is enough. Saying "I'm sorry" is enough. Don't say "well, you're young, you can have another" or "it was God's will" or whatever. That's not the kind of stuff that they need to hear.

My sympathies on the difficult road ahead for your family. How brave they are to decide to let their child go in peace. It is the final act of love.

 

[CEDmom]

Although I haven't suffered the loss of a child in the same context as your friends I did miscarry at 19 weeks and it was a very hard loss. Honestly, the most comforting thing people said at the time was "I'm so sorry for your loss I'm here for you if you want to talk". Anything beyond that people starting saying things that were really more hurtful than comforting. Things like "it's for the best" or "at least you have your DD". Keep it to a minimum and just be there for support.

My heart goes our to this family .

 

[jrydberg]

My ex lost a child shortly after birth due to a genetic disorder. My only bit of advice is do not pretend it never happened.

 

[Amy]

Our daughter was stillborn when I was 27 weeks pregnant. The best thing people did was to not ignore it - I treasured the people who said they were sorry, the people who said they felt so bad but they didn't know what to say, the people who even just didn't say anything but gave me hugs or made dinner, the friends who remembered her due date, the friends who gave me Christmas angel ornaments with her name on them.

The worst thing you can do is pretend nothing happened; share your memories of Luke with them. Even 6 months, a year from now, if the situation presents itself, it's ok to say "Luke would have loved to do this." Luke will be alive forever in their hearts; it will mean so much to them to know that he's alive in your heart, too.

 

[always quiet]

Just be there to listen. Follow their cues on when they want to talk. NEVER say things like "I'm sure God has a reason", "At least you have other children", "There will be others", "Maybe it was for the best"......................Don't pretend like it didn't happen and don't avoid them. When I lost Kyle back in 1993 (11 yrs. on the 26th), many family members avoided me like I had the plague! I never felt as alone as I did standing at my son's funeral, with only DH, the funeral director and priest with me. Later, when family members were becoming pregnant, no one wanted to tell me. Very hard time.

Be there to lend a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen and arms to give a hug.

 

[arminnie]

Originally posted by jrydberg
My ex lost a child shortly after birth due to a genetic disorder. My only bit of advice is do not pretend it never happened.

I have 3 friends that each lost wonderful adult sons in terrible accidents (fighter jet, electrocution, sledding accident). Two of these women I did not meet until 10 and 15 years after the accidents. They all say that the most important thing is that people not pretend that their children did not exist.

Some people are hesitant to bring up the name for fear that it will cause pain. In my friends' words "the pain is already there, please don't add to it by ignoring the fact that my son ever lived."

 

[RachelEllen]

You might want to look at this website. The eloquence and generosity of this family is amazing. They have a section about those things people say to them.

http://www.faith.altbush.com/

 

[KarenC]

When my sister died, my mother hated to hear "everything happens for a reason". It's also important to not pretend the child never existed. My grandmother had 23 grandchildren. After my sister died, in front of my mother, when people asked she would say she had 22 grandchildren. That really bothered my mom.

 

[always quiet]

I have a Mother's Ring with each of my children's names and birthstones. Would you believe one of my sisters actually thought that I should not of included Kyle on my ring??!! Make sure to always include the lost children when talking about their family.

 

[MAC3]

I can't help you with this but , I just really wanted express my extreme sorrow to all of you that have experienced the pain & loss of a child.

I can't fathom what you have gone through and how much your heart aches.

 

[jrydberg]

I have a Mother's Ring with each of my children's names and birthstones. Would you believe one of my sisters actually thought that I should not of included Kyle on my ring??!! Make sure to always include the lost children when talking about their family.

I was getting a necklace for my ex with all her kids' birthstones and her family suggested I not include her son who died. So yes, I can believe it. Needless to say, I included him and she was very pleased that I did.

 

[EsmeraldaX]

I agree with the above posters (I have an aunt who lost a son, my cousin, in a terrible accident). Just let the person know you care and you are there for them. A lot of people acted weird around my aunt for so long and it was hard for her.

:hugs: and kind thoughts to them. I can't even imagine the pain they are going through. No parent should ever have to lose a child. My heart goes out to them.

 

[s&k'smom]

Just the fact that you are here asking the questions shows me what a wonderful and caring person you are. Just be there for them. God bless them and there little one's journey. Take care.

 

[LauraR]

My aunt lost an infant daughter to SIDS over 40 years ago. A few years ago I said, "Well, having 4 kids you must know alot about..." and she interrupted and said, "Actually, I had 5". I felt really bad and apologized. Always include Luke when you talk about their children. I know it also meant alot to her when one of my cousins, as an adult, said "She'll always be a part of our family, Mom". And don't be afraid to say you miss Luke too. I think it helps to know they are not alone in their pain.

I'm so sorry for their heartbreak, and yours.

 

[luvmarypoppins]

When my sister died people kept telling my mom they didnt know what to say, but kept hugging her etc. I think its important not to forget about them. Like after a while everyone goes back to their normal lives and my mom was still hurting etc. One lady, I remember, had a special boquet of roses at the funeral that she told us was for each year of my sisters life. People donated money to an orphanage in her memory and the church put on a childrens play with some money that was given in her memory with my moms permission. Just be there with a hug, smile, listening ear etc. I also liked it when people shared stories about my sister with us. A little boy I taught in sunday school died in a tragic car accident. When I found out, I mailed the mom a card in alabama and told her a cute story of how her son took the time to stop playing and helped tie the shoe of another little boy. I think stuff like that is priceless and is what they would treasure. Maybe a special picture, locket etc. for the mom. I read an article that one mom took her sons handprints and each of the brothers too and they made special memory pillowcases. I cried when I read that one. There is another poster here, aprilgail. I read about her godson in the newspaper. There was a toy drive in his memory, that touched my heart so much. He was so sick and had the toys he wanted to donate in his closet waiting for the christmas start etc. God Bless your family during this difficult time.