A question about playdates and siblings

[RadioNate]

I'm trying to think of the exact way to phrase this...

If you have 2 children close in age are they included in playdates in your home? I don't have siblings and my kids are 6 years apart so I'm not sure how other parents handle this.

For example if you have 2 or 3 kids and one invites a friend over do they all play together? Are the siblings expected to be included in their play time? Is the friend expected to play with the sibling?

The reason I ask is that DS has a friend who invites him over often. The boys play well together. However the friend has a sister who is 2 years older than DS and when she enters the mix things often go 'wrong.'

As I child, if I went over to someones house to play I don't remember playing with their siblings also. We might have socialized with them when we were older but I'm taking young elementary school aged.

 

[nkjzmom]

We have a mixture in our home. We have 5 kids from 14 to 5 years old so there's always a group around. I try to make sure that if one of the kids has a friend over that they do get some alone playtime but I also encourage them to include other siblings in games or playing outside. It's a balance.

I really try to steer clear of the "playdate" title. It annoys me for some reason.

 

[KandD]

We were in the same situation when our nephew used to live with us.

We lived next door to nephew's friend from school, friend had a sister who was a few years older. She included herself in everything and there were ALWAYS problems because of her. When the boys were alone, you wouldn't hear a peep out of them. When sis was there, there was constant tattling, crying, fighting, etc. Their mom doesn't have a car so I would take the kids to the beach, mini golfing, etc. and sis would always tag along. Unfortunately, I had to stop the outings. There was no way to take just bro without sis and sis made the outings so unenjoyable. I wish that it didn't have to be that way but I saw no other choice.
I know it wasn't just us that had a problem either, another neighbor had invited just bro to a carnival, sis literally threw a fit in the driveway and the neighbor had to finally say that no one was going because they didn't have room in the car for sis and the dad felt so bad that he didn't want to take the other kids.

I am interested to hear how others deal with this because I was at a loss.

 

[live4christp1]

Our kids are 6 years apart as well. DS is 12, DD is 6. If DS has a friend over......usually cousin(s) from down the street.......sometimes DD will play with them and sometimes not. If she is just pestering them I make her go to her room & play.

If younger cousins come to play with DD, DS usually isn't to interested in doing whatever they are doing.....playing baby dolls or Barbies.

Now if it's nice outside I'll take them all out and play ball or hook up the sprinkler, slip-n-slide, etc.

 

[RadioNate]

playdate actually annoys me too but I didn't know what else to call it since it is the commonly accepted term...

To clarify a bit, I actually don't have a problem with the girl playing with them for the most part. She is a nice kid. I just wondered if it was common. I think DS gets a little sad sometimes that he went to play with a friend and they had to play with the sister. She likes different games etc and there have been a few times where her feelings have been hurt because they are 'out voting her' and then I get the "there was a small incident between the boys and girl" talk when DS leaves.

We were in the same situation when our nephew used to live with us.

We lived next door to nephew's friend from school, friend had a sister who was a few years older. She included herself in everything and there were ALWAYS problems because of her. When the boys were alone, you wouldn't hear a peep out of them. When sis was there, there was constant tattling, crying, fighting, etc. Their mom doesn't have a car so I would take the kids to the beach, mini golfing, etc. and sis would always tag along. Unfortunately, I had to stop the outings. There was no way to take just bro without sis and sis made the outings so unenjoyable. I wish that it didn't have to be that way but I saw no other choice.
I know it wasn't just us that had a problem either, another neighbor had invited just bro to a carnival, sis literally threw a fit in the driveway and the neighbor had to finally say that no one was going because they didn't have room in the car for sis and the dad felt so bad that he didn't want to take the other kids.

I am interested to hear how others deal with this because I was at a loss.

Our situation isn't quite that drama filled but it is similar in that the tattling, crying, arguments etc are all ramped up when the 3rd child is added. She is sweet but as such her feelings are always being hurt. The brother is very laid back and when they are alone usually goes along with the sisters play plans. DS isn't rude but if he says 'nah, I don't want to do that' it hurts the sisters feelings and she complains. The mom is pretty cool about it but she does relay a lot of the incidents and that makes me feel bad. DS swears that he isn't being mean to her (and she is 2 years older than him) but he doesn't want to play Camp Rock or grocery store or school where she is the teacher all the time.

 

[RF536]

So far we have had it easy, we have 2 boys ages 8 and 6, so far for the most part they play well together when they have friends over. The other bonus is that so far their friends all seem to come from families of all boys and close in age. I think having just boys make it easier because their interests seem to be similar. The boys just tend to play in one big group when we are out somewhere so no one seems to get left out.

Growing up I had an older sister and for the most part we also played and hung out together. It was very rare that my parents allowed one of use to exclude the other when there were friends over, mainly for birthday parties.

 

[Tinijocaro]

I really try to steer clear of the "playdate" title. It annoys me for some reason.

Me too-and I don't know why. I guess it makes it sound so formal. My kids just "play" with friends.

Anyway, OP, i have 4 kids-my boys are 10 and 14. 14 year old still likes to play with younger ds' and his friends. Sometimes it works out, sometimes it goes sour real quick-I always keep an eye out and remove ds14 if things go bad.

My two dd's are 7 and 11, they don't usually mix when friends are over, but when they do, it usually goes well.

 

[freckles and boo]

My daughters are two years apart in age (seven and nine) but the younger one is autistic and socially is more like a three or four year old. I do expect in our house that the older kids will play with her for a little bit, then I distract her and allow the older ones their own play time. Of course, this is within my own home and this is what I can control. I would never insist that she be included if her sister were invited to someone else's home.

Outside the house the kids in the neighborhood all play together in the front yards. There are about a dozen of them and they range in age from nine to three. They get along and play together very well. I have to keep a constant eye on my younger daughter so when they are outside I am usually sitting on the porch. They accept her as one of the gang and they know her quirks. She isn't always fully engaged in what they are doing, but she does being around the other kids and being a part of things.

 

[Tinijocaro]

then I get the "there was a small incident between the boys and girl" talk when DS leaves.



The mom is pretty cool about it but she does relay a lot of the incidents and that makes me feel bad. DS swears that he isn't being mean to her (and she is 2 years older than him) but he doesn't want to play Camp Rock or grocery store or school where she is the teacher all the time.

That mom really isn't all that cool if she is relaying every little scuffle that happens. I don't say a word about the arguments unless it's really something bad.

I'd be steering clear of those people, or at least inviting just the boy over. more.

 

[RadioNate]

So far we have had it easy, we have 2 boys ages 8 and 6, so far for the most part they play well together when they have friends over. The other bonus is that so far their friends all seem to come from families of all boys and close in age. I think having just boys make it easier because their interests seem to be similar. The boys just tend to play in one big group when we are out somewhere so no one seems to get left out.

Growing up I had an older sister and for the most part we also played and hung out together. It was very rare that my parents allowed one of use to exclude the other when there were friends over, mainly for birthday parties.

Just another point of clarification. These are opposite gender siblings. And I'm talking about indoor 'play dates' where one child invites another child over to play for a few hours not outdoor multi-aged and gender neighborhood play time. That almost always goes well unless the girls insist on playing football with the boys and then get mad when the boys are too rough.

I guess a more appropriate title may be 'should elementary aged opposite gender siblings share friends?'

I guess it is pretty common. Which is ok.

My kids are just too far apart to have this happen at our house and many of DS's other friends are all boys with boy siblings so this is new. I actually can only think of one other friend of DS's that has a sister and I don't think she is interested in playing with them at all!

This is totally something I don't remember from childhood.

 

[K and K's Mommy]

I have boy, girl, boy. They are 10, 7, and 4. My rule is if they don't want a sibling, they need to be in their room. If they are playing in the basement or family room, then anyone is allowed.

It is usually my 4 year old who might start bugging the others. Sometimes I'll play with him or I just tell the big kids to go play in their room where he won't go.

This really only works when they have friends over. Otherwise, the four year old follows them everywhere!

 

[java]

My kids are 15,12,6 and 4. The 2 youngest are both boys and will play together. If my 6 year old has a friend over the 4 year old generally wants to play with them. If he is being a pest- or if they complain the 4 year old is entertained elsewhere by me.

Generally though I prefer kids that can come and play with both of them.

 

[sbell111]

I'm trying to think of the exact way to phrase this...

If you have 2 children close in age are they included in playdates in your home? I don't have siblings and my kids are 6 years apart so I'm not sure how other parents handle this.

For example if you have 2 or 3 kids and one invites a friend over do they all play together? Are the siblings expected to be included in their play time? Is the friend expected to play with the sibling?

The reason I ask is that DS has a friend who invites him over often. The boys play well together. However the friend has a sister who is 2 years older than DS and when she enters the mix things often go 'wrong.'

As I child, if I went over to someones house to play I don't remember playing with their siblings also. We might have socialized with them when we were older but I'm taking young elementary school aged.

I think that as a parent, I would let them play together if they were getting along and pull the '2nd child' out of teh mix if they weren't. Of course, if the difficulties appeared to be caused by the guest, he/she would not return.

Of course, this is all moot since the parents in your hypothetical appear to believe that the 2nd child should be included regardless. That's their choice and their isn't anything inherently wrong with it.

 

[roliepolieoliefan]

My kids are 5 1/2 years apart. DD-5 DS-11.

Because of the huge age differnce DS never wants to be around DD's friends. And when DS has friends over, she bugs the boys a little but I keep an eye to make sure it doesn't get out of hand.

Playdate related story: DD had a friend over from preschool last year, he was 6. The younger brother (3) wanted to tag along too, so I said OK even though I was a little apprehensive. I had things to do and a 3 yo needs alot more supervision then a 6yo. But I felt bad and said OK.

I thought the mom was going to stay but she dropped and ran. But all was well until about an hour into the playdate. The 3 yo had to use the bathroom, so in he goes. Ten minutes later big brother is yelling that his brother needs someone to wipe his butt. What? This kid goes to pre-school too. Yuck! I hated doing it for my own kids, yet someone else's. I did it, but it was the last playdate at my house.

 

[hegsag]

I have a dd7 and a ds3.5. When dd's friends are over I expect them to be nice to my ds. I never expect them to play with him the whole time -- the first 30 minutes and then I will entertain him & he will go down for a nap. I did have one child over that doesn't have siblings and she was horrible to my son. She didn't want him around but would call his name and slam the door in his face when he would go to the room. She would then scream that he was bothering her. I brought him into the other room and put his channel on, she came down and announced that she was the guest so it was what she wanted to watch as she changed the channel. It was complete torture for me -- she will NEVER be invited back to my house. She was WAY too much work. I almost forgot to mention that when my son went down for his nap, this PIA friend went into his room and woke him up because she thought it was funny

 

[kidshop]

I have 2 ds 10 and nearly 7, and, 1 dd 2. I think the friends should be allowed to play most of the time just with each other. Just b/c you like and get along with one child (the one you went over to play with) doesn't mean it's the same with the sibling. I do have my older ds include little brother for a short amount of the time of the visit if things are going well. But I would never expect them all to play together the whole time.

Just in case anyone is wondering, if one of your children is invited over to someone's house, that is not an invite as well for any brothers or sisters! It is rude to ask or even ruder just say the other one wants to come too. I have said NO and not felt guilty! (it was a girl, neither of the boys ages). But I have also invited sibling pairs where it works well for all the kids. It depends.

I feel a little sad for a child who is never allowed to play with their own friends without siblings present.

 

[Mkrop]

I notice that there are certain kids who do better with including DS6 and those who do not. I hate to say it but the ones that include DS6 get invited over a lot more.

A lot of times DS6 just wants to hang with them, he doesnt even necessarily want to play what they are playing. Like if a couple of DS11's friends and he are playing Wii, DS6 just wants to watch.

 

[Scurvy]

I do think this sort of thing is fairly common. But (and I apologize if you already covered this and I missed it) while you can't control what happens at their house, couldn't you invite the boy over to play at your house and just not invite his sister? That way your child could just focus on his friend and wouldn't have to worry about the girl changing the dynamic of their playtime.

 

[dogluva]

Me too-and I don't know why. I guess it makes it sound so formal. My kids just "play" with friends.

Anyway, OP, i have 4 kids-my boys are 10 and 14. 14 year old still likes to play with younger ds' and his friends. Sometimes it works out, sometimes it goes sour real quick-I always keep an eye out and remove ds14 if things go bad.

My two dd's are 7 and 11, they don't usually mix when friends are over, but when they do, it usually goes well.

This is a relatively new term to me. I don't remember until my youngest three came around. The older three just "played". Now it is a common term and I cringe when a parent will call and ask to set up a "play date".

My kids have friends over and my two boys a year apart play with their friends together. They hate when their sister tries top play and they go out of their way to get away from her. Her friends just play with her. My boys do not have one iota of interest in playing with her friends. My boys are 9 and 10. My daughter is six.

 

[RadioNate]

I do think this sort of thing is fairly common. But (and I apologize if you already covered this and I missed it) while you can't control what happens at their house, couldn't you invite the boy over to play at your house and just not invite his sister? That way your child could just focus on his friend and wouldn't have to worry about the girl changing the dynamic of their playtime.

The other boy does come here. Often. My DS is also invited over there often. This boys likes having people come over. I don't think my DS is really an issue or they wouldn't invite him over several times a week.

I don't really care if the older sister plays with them unless it is going to be that her feelings are hurt every time. She is ultra sensitive. We've had discussions of her feeling hurt because the boys want to play Mario Cart and she wants to do Hannah Montana or something.

The playtime will lessen once school starts next week so it really is a non issue.

I can see that friends should be nice to siblings. I just really wondered how common it was because I don't remember hanging out or playing with my friends siblings until I was HS aged (and the sibling was also in HS.)

I also don't make DS and his friends include DD. But like I said, they are 6 years apart.