A Mother Vent

[Marseeya]

It's been a while since I've been in an argument with my mother, but that's only because I avoid her!

She asked me a few weeks ago if I'd take my dad to an eye doctor's appointment. This particular eye doctor is extremely popular and it's not unusual to have to wait for several hours in his office. I asked her if she could get the appointment pushed back just a couple of weeks until I'm done with school, because all of my final projects are coming due SOON. Honestly, that few hours will really set me back, as it'll be an hour on the road and several hours in the office when I have a presentation due that day. Not to mention, the appointment is 30 miles north of us and I go to school 30 miles south of us. Well, she either couldn't or wouldn't (more like wouldn't) change the appointment.

She called to remind me about it today, so I just flat out told her that if she couldn't guarantee I'd be out of the office in time to make my presentation, she'd need to reschedule. She gave me a hard time about it and I told her how ridiculous some of these doctors are, making patients wait for hours in a waiting room and she thought it was perfectly reasonable and just too bad. She told me that when we go, if the doctor doesn't see us by 1 p.m. (which would be 3 hours of waiting ), to go ahead and reschedule and leave! I told her that it was kind of ridiculous to go through all that, so why not just reschedule now so that I wouldn't have to worry about it???

She ended up pulling her martyr routine, told me to just forget taking him at all, and she hung up on me. And knowing her, she's going to tell my poor dad that I just can't be bothered to take him.

It just makes me so mad. I don't mind doing things for my dad, and he has certainly done so much for me (still does). But when you get my mom as the middle guy, she's just got to make it a big drama. It's got to be her way or the highway.

Thanks for listening. Dealing with my mom makes me want to or or

 

[smilie]

I know exactly how you feel. Sounds like someone in my family!

 

[beckmrk04]

My mom makes me want to do those things too.

Hang in there and stand your ground- you aren't being unreasonable.

 

[CathrynRose]

Let me just toss something out here...

My Mom passed away January 28th - very unexpectedly.... I argued with my Mom allll the time. A LOT! And I'll tell you all those arguments are putting some serious guilt-stress on me. Like super bad (see Humor my Hypochondria, thread)

I understand being mad - I really do ( I argued with her quite a bit) BUT...let it go. It's good for both of you.

 

[Marseeya]

Let me just toss something out here...

My Mom passed away January 28th - very unexpectedly.... I argued with my Mom allll the time. A LOT! And I'll tell you all those arguments are putting some serious guilt-stress on me. Like super bad (see Humor my Hypochondria, thread)

I understand being mad - I really do ( I argued with her quite a bit) BUT...let it go. It's good for both of you.

I'm sorry about your mom.

I know that when my mother dies, I'm going to need some heavy duty counseling for the guilt you mentioned. I realize now that my mom has set the tone for our relationship from the time I was little, and she was very abusive to me when I was younger. Even now, she's abusive to my dad and she's going to drive him to an early grave.

I won't let her walk all over me. It wasn't healthy for me or for my own family when I put up with her crap. I have a really hard time finding a balance between keeping a relationship with her without having to live with her anger and bitterness.

Despite it all, though, I love her.

 

[CarolA]

Sorry, but there is NO doctor in America that's worth that kind of wait.
I start screaming at the staff early and often. I have explained to them in the past that contrary to the ideas they seem to have I pay their salary and they need to learn to schedule.

If you have a doctor like that you need to complain LOUDLY to him/her. They are not GODS and have no right to abuse you. Then you either need to make sure you book the FIRST apt. of the morning or better yet CHANGE DOCTORS!!! There are very few that are that good (I work in healthcare and the ones with this type of practice generally are not any better and in some cases are not as good as others with better run practices)

 

[Stitchfans]

If what you are saying is true, and I am not doubting it then IMO you shouldn't have any guilt trips. Now or later. I loved/love my mom with all my heart and soul she died Jan 2000. We had our ups and downs and under no circumstances do I feel guilty for any of the arguements that we had. It takes two to argue and when one of the two instigates it that is the one who is the guiltiest party IMO.

Sorry but Marseeya's mom is very unreasonable.

 

[lisajl]

I understand. Believe me.

I, too have had problems with my mom. She is now in a nursing home and it's a bit better. My sister on the other hand starts fights with her. Mom said something about my BIL, I mentioned it to my sister, sister went off the deep end and was yelling at an 84 year old, alzheimers patient.
Crazy! My sister is CRAZY!
We, too have had same of the some problems you had with your mom.
There is this great movie, I can't remember the name...
It has Kevin Spacey and Dennis Leary in it. Dennis Leary is holding the family hostage. Kevins' mom starts a rant about something and Kevin tells her for Christmas he is going to get her a wooden cross. That way when she feel unappreciated for all the sacrifices she has made, she can climb up on it!

Love that scene.

Seriously, you have to learn to let go of the hurt and pain. It has taken me a long time to forgive my mom all the things she has done to me.
But, she is my mom, and we have to step up and not let them take us down to their level.

Good luck...I know it's hard...just hang in there. BTW, YOU are in the right, your mom should not have put you out that way.

Lisa

 

[Disneyrsh]

I can chime in here on specialist eye doctors, for the good ones, the wait IS long.

There are two groups here in Atlanta, one at Piedmont and one at Emory, and the wait is ALWAYS several hours, and you have to book months out, and if you try and reschedule, you're looking at months out from the time you reschedule.

From my perspective, keeping my eyesight is worth several hours of sitting there, those doctors ARE better than the guy in the strip mall, and I really DON'T want to miss that appointment because I know I'm looking at a months long wait to get another one unless it's an emergency.

So, it didn't sound to me like your mom was being unreasonable, knowing what I know about eye doctors.

 

[Marseeya]

I can chime in here on specialist eye doctors, for the good ones, the wait IS long.

There are two groups here in Atlanta, one at Piedmont and one at Emory, and the wait is ALWAYS several hours, and you have to book months out, and if you try and reschedule, you're looking at months out from the time you reschedule.

From my perspective, keeping my eyesight is worth several hours of sitting there, those doctors ARE better than the guy in the strip mall, and I really DON'T want to miss that appointment because I know I'm looking at a months long wait to get another one unless it's an emergency.

So, it didn't sound to me like your mom was being unreasonable, knowing what I know about eye doctors.

I know for a fact that they don't have to book months in advance with this doctor. My dad has been going there my whole life.

I used to have this coworker that went to this same eye doctor. This office made her wait for so long that she really let them have it one day, telling them that HER time was valuable too and that they had no business keeping people waiting that long.

Apparently the squeaky wheel gets the grease, because she never had to wait again at that office.

At any rate, it's her whole attitude that my life isn't as important as my sister's. My sister works, so we can't dare ask her to take time off. My schooling is just a stupid "thing" I do and totally worthless in my family's eyes.

 

[mylilnikita]

DM-love her dearly, but she drives me insane. DF passed away almost 2 years ago, now I get to help her. Now, not trying to get flamed, I do not owe it to her to do stuff for her: I remember even in kindergarten if it was a weekend or day off from school, I knew better than to wake her so I would make my own cereal for breakfast and pbj for lunch. She never really attended my school functions, it was like she had me and then was like ok, I did my job. DM is 72 and still brings up that she wasn't the favorite child-5 children in her family, who cares everyone except 1 aunt is dead, get over it.
I took off work last year and in May will be starting a new job, so I tell her that I am going to start soon what does she say? What about MY appointments? I am an only child, so I am the caretaker if you will and DM never goes without anything. She chose to stop driving years ago, when I was a teen, I suddenly became the cleaner of the house, she just stopped doing stuff all together. I clean the house, make sure the bills are paid, cook, everything.Then when I left home DF took over. I told her I could reschedule her appointments if needed, but I have to go back to work.
She will call her friends and tell them how horrible I am if I won't do like she asks, but if she can do things for herself then she needs to. one night she started talking to her friend, and I got on the phone and told them if they wanted to come do everything I do and put up with her than to come on over.
I know life is short and came close twice to losing her, but in turn I almost died twice myself and my life is too short to put up with non sense from anyone.
Sorry you have to go through that. I find inserting a finger in each ear and singing la la la helps-lol, she hates when I do that.

 

[Servants of Evan]

I have a simple solution. Make your appointment and be there 15 minutes early. If you have to wait beyond your appointed time, keep track. Once it passes one hour, inform the staff that you will be sending them an invoice for your time. I did that with a doctor I am still seeing. I wound up invoicing him for three hours at $55 per hour -- my standard billable rate. I got an upset phone call from him, but I CALMLY explained that I was where his office told me to be and was there at the appointed time. I was further understanding enough to grant him a one hour grace period before "the meter started running." Had he seen me even close to the time his office set, it woudn't have been an issue. To me, it is simply unprofessional for a doctor or any other profession to book more work than they can actually handle. We're not talking about the emergencies which may come up when Johnny breaks his arm, we're talking the day-in, day-out improper management of people's time.

And yes, his office sent me a check. And then at the end of the year they sent a 1099!