a MIL vent!!!!!!!!!!!!

[laura001]

My Dh and I were away for a few days and have another holiday planned in August. It just so happens that while we are away my DH's family reunion is taking place, which he does not care to go to anyway.

So here we are away......we get a phone call from our kids (21, 18, 14) who are all upset because my MIL has called them and told them that she will no longer be attending anything that I put on, that it is awful how I always plan our holiday around this reunion etc etc. Obviously this is not the case, albeit I don't love going. DH has two other brother's and a sister, all with families, and only a few attend this gathering.

Anyway, our kids call and are beside themselves, of course they stuck up for me and were very hurt by her accusasions. What was she thinking calling them like that when she knew we were away! Besides her being 78 years old I cannot think of another sane reason.



ooops......editing to say that: our next vacation is in August and DH wants to come home early now so that we can attend the reunion..........

The whole episode really put a damper on our holiday and when we arrived home today, my DH was going over to his Mom's and wanted me to go......I declined, for a couple of reasons, first being that I just don't want to get into it with her, and second because I am hurt too (just need some time to process the whole thing). Well...........DH and I are now fighting over the fact that I didn't want to go, it is our last night of holidays.....now down the tubes.

Besides venting, I am wondering if I should have just swallowed my pride etc. and gone to keep the peace with DH?


ooops.........editing to say: our next vacation is in August when the reunion is on, DH now wants to come home 2 days early so that we can attend the reunion.............

 

[L107ANGEL]

I have no real advice to share. Just thought you could use a hug!

 

[Hercules10]

I'm tellin' ya ALL Mudder-in-laws are nutz.

 

[AprilShowers]

You BET I would have gone over there. But not to visit.....to let her know in no uncertain terms that you did NOT appreciate her attack on your kids.
Actually she attacked YOU to your kids which is kinda worse!
If she had a problem with you and DH, she should have talked to you, and your DH needs to let her know this.
He needs to tell her that your kids are off limits if she is going to attack you. It's not their job to schedule your vacations, and it's unfair to them to have to defend you.

 

[faith]

Your Dh loves his mother, and wants to keep the peace by going to the reunion...you love your husband, so yes, make the first move toward "peace". Your husband will love you for it. Sorry, she involved the kids though.

 

[lovmy2girls]

Just subscribing! As I sit back and watch the fireworks fly! This should be good reading.

 

[grimley1968]

I, too, think it would be good to make the first move toward a peaceful resolution of this. But I'm taken aback by the MIL calling your kids about this. That was quite rude.

 

[laura001]

I, too, think it would be good to make the first move toward a peaceful resolution of this. But I'm taken aback by the MIL calling your kids about this. That was quite rude.

Right now I am still so mad about the whole thing that I need to cool down. On one hand I see that I need to find a peaceful resolution to this, but really don't feel like giving in after all the crap that has gone down, and my vacation being affected by all of this, let alone feeling like coming home two days early on the next one.....guess it will just take me some time

 

[CEDmom]

Your DH was ok with you going on vacation and not attending his family reunion until his Mom stuck her nose in it. Now he's mad at you because his mom upset your children . Must be PMS . Honestly she could have gone about this so much better. I think I'd go over say if it was so important to her that you attend all she had to do was ask if you'd do her a favor and change your plans. It gets the point across w/o a big knockdown dragout. Also you'll come off smelling like a rose. Good luck.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I am confused... You have been away until today, while a reunion is going on, and you have plans to be away next month when a reunion is going on???

That is a lot of vacations and reunions!


Anyhow, I am guessing that the real reunion is in August. In this case, you have two vacation getaways planned within just a few weeks time. And, there was no way to make a polite appearance at this reunion???? Just trying to wrap my brain around the whole thing.

I do have to say that there is NO way I would be happy about her calling your sons/daughters. However, I would NOT have cut this trip short early over her little hullaballooo!!!! Would never even consider giving MIL that kind of control/power! I WOULD have tried to make an appearance at DH's family reunion, unless he really wanted to avoid it himself.

I can hardly believe he really wanted to avoid this reunion if he instantly cuts a vacation trip short to go running to Mama's.

edited to add: NO WAY would I go running over there with him!!!!

Too many things are not adding up here.

 

[Annie68]

I'd go over say if it was so important to her that you attend all she had to do was ask if you'd do her a favor and change your plans. It gets the point across w/o a big knockdown dragout. Also you'll come off smelling like a rose. Good luck.

Yes, definitely. I would call her & say you didn't intentionally plan your vacation to miss the reunion and that you would have appreciated her speaking to you about it...not the kids!

Sounds like something my DH's stepmom would do.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Well...........DH and I are now fighting over the fact that I didn't want to go, it is our last night of holidays.....

Besides venting, I am wondering if I should have just swallowed my pride etc. and gone to keep the peace with DH?....

You and your DH are now fighting over this??? That is SOOOOO wrong... You do not have an issue with your MIL. You have an issue with your DH.

I have said this on the DIS many many times now. These kind of InLaw issues are really MARRIAGE issues.

Your DH is way out of line to fight with you and to put his MIL's shenigans above his wifes and CHILDRENS feelings and best interest.

Man, if your MIL is 78, that alone cuts her some slack... but a 48(or therabouts) year old man who is still tied up in his moms apron strings. Huge problem.

It is HIS mother. HE should handle the situation. He is way out of line to cut your trip short and expect you to go running immediately to make nicey-nice with MIL.

 

[jimmalru80]

I'm tellin' ya ALL Mudder-in-laws are nutz.

Sorry Herc.. have to disagree. Your point may be valid to most, but my MIL has always been my second Mom to me. She cares, she is concerned, she does not offer to change our opinions, and I welcome her into our home at all times. She is strong to me in times of trouble and she is a rock when things go bad. She lost her husband (my dear FIL) in October and she has never waivered. I wish that all of you could spend time with my MIL, St. Mildred. I love you, Mom.

 

[laura001]

I am confused... You have been away until today, while a reunion is going on, and you have plans to be away next month when a reunion is going on???

That is a lot of vacations and reunions!


Anyhow, I am guessing that the real reunion is in August. In this case, you have two vacation getaways planned within just a few weeks time. And, there was no way to make a polite appearance at this reunion???? Just trying to wrap my brain around the whole thing.

I do have to say that there is NO way I would be happy about her calling your sons/daughters. However, I would NOT have cut this trip short early over her little hullaballooo!!!! Would never even consider giving MIL that kind of control/power! I WOULD have tried to make an appearance at DH's family reunion, unless he really wanted to avoid it himself.

I can hardly believe he really wanted to avoid this reunion if he instantly cuts a vacation trip short to go running to Mama's.

edited to add: NO WAY would I go running over there with him!!!!

Too many things are not adding up here.

Yes........two vacations, the one in August is when the reunion is happening. WE did not cut the vacation short that we were just on, although with MIL calling the kids etc. it sure did put a damper on our vacation (I worried the whole time about the kids being so upset).

My DH really did not want to go to the reunion ( I actually had to drag him a few years ago to it), and we already had our vacation planned long before we knew about the reunion. Actually, about a week ago he was looking at the invitation and said that he was happy we would be away. He changed his mind only when he saw how upset his Mom wa(is).

The whole thing is ridiculous! I guess I am having a hard time wrapping my head around cutting our next vacation short to make her happy when she basically blamed ME for the reason of us not going and also making our kids so upset! The more I sit here and think about it...

 

[laura001]

Sorry Herc.. have to disagree. Your point may be valid to most, but my MIL has always been my second Mom to me. She cares, she is concerned, she does not offer to change our opinions, and I welcome her into our home at all times. She is strong to me in times of trouble and she is a rock when things go bad. She lost her husband (my dear FIL) in October and she has never waivered. I wish that all of you could spend time with my MIL, St. Mildred. I love you, Mom.

Please send her my way!!!! I lost my Mom when I was 16 and would love to have a MIL that I could count as a second MOM!!!!

 

[Wishing on a star]

So, this reunion was planned, and nobody bothered to check dates to see that you had previous plans!!! Wow....

Still a lot that is not adding up... Like why is this all coming to light while you were away on this trip. Is this August reunion just now being planned only a few days/weeks in advance?

So, is it fair to say that the inlaws are 'creating' all of this family drama... And that this is par for the course.

If so, I would REALLY not be running over there with DH. No way! And, I would not be one little tiny bit concerned about MIL. That would not bother me one little bit. I would be FURIOUS about the real issue, which is how your DH is letting this come between the two of you, while he instantly goes running to mama's like a puppy with it's tail between it's legs.

(speaking from personal experience here)

 

[disneynutt1225]

Sorry Herc.. have to disagree. Your point may be valid to most, but my MIL has always been my second Mom to me.

You're very fortunate. I used to feel that way about my FMIL, but then she had a mid-life crisis and became a person I no longer know. She's done nothing but cause drama in everyone's lives for over a year. The best thing she could have ever done was move to the south. At this stage of the game, neither my fiance or myself even LIKE the woman. It's sad, really.

 

[laura001]

So, this reunion was planned, and nobody bothered to check dates to see that you had previous plans!!! Wow....

Still a not that is not adding up... Like why is this all coming to light while you were away on this trip. Is this August reunion just now being planned only a few days/weeks in advance?

So, is it fair to say that the inlaws are 'creating' all of this family drama... And that this is par for the course.

If so, I would REALLY not be running over there with DH. And, I could care less about MIL, I would be FURIOUS about the real issue, which is how your DH is letting this come between the two of you, while he instantly goes running to mama's like a puppy with it's tail between it's legs.

(speaking from personal experience here)

You are right....no one checked with us about the dates. Both DH and I work a lot of hours ( usually at least 50 hours/week) and by the time we do everything with the kids etc., we really need our time to relax.

I have no idea as to why she chose while we were away to spring this, she tends to pick strange times to argue over things. We usually just try not to argue back, but this is way over the edge for me. Attacking me personally, especially to my children is way past the acceptance stage.

I see the point that DH makes as far as the fact that if he had known it was that important to her we would have worked around it. He does have two other brothers and a sister of whom only his sister and family attends....not sure why MIL picks us (me) to complain to.


As a matter of fact, when we go to these things I happen to know his family better than he does, I have to tell him the names etc. I can't even believe she is complaining.

I am very upset because this has been such a problem, with the kids being so upset, with DH and I being upset with eachother and also with the fact that MIL is so darned thoughtless!

 

[Frantasmic]

My 2 cents.

1. She's upset at something else (probably the fact that you GET to take a vacation or TWO or that you are leaving your children at home while you do it). I'm not begrudging you this, but obviously she is. If you do it a few times a year, she is resentful and thinks back to the "old" days when she didn't get to do this and she is jealous.

2. She chose the kids to vent because she thinks she is fighting for them somehow.

3. This isn't the first time she has pulled her passive-agressive stuff.

4. This isn't the first time your husband as fallen for her passive-agressive stuff.

5. You probably can't win with the passive-agressive stuff, because, I suspect, she also plays a martyr as well, and a good one.

6. So, you can bask in the fact that you are right, that you see right through her (and your husband), and that you are correct that she shouldn't have gone through your kids.

7. Something deeper, and long-held resentment, is going on.

8. You can't call her on it because passive-agressive martyrs don't like it when the wool they think no one can see through over your eyes is transparent. That makes them worse.

9. Don't go overboard in placating her. It will just make it worse.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Okay!!! Thanks for the details!!!

As mentioned... I know how this kind of thing can be!

You had titled your thread a MIL vent. But, really, your MIL is a 78 year old woman who is going to stir the pot and do what she is going to do... Let that go...

Your MIL is not the cause of your pain right now. Like you said, who cares that much if you go to the reunion thing or not???

The real issue here is that your MIL caused YOUR CHILDREN a lot of grief and distress. For your DH to argue and fight about this with you and to run to mama's is a huge problem. YOU and his children are who he needs to be concerned about.

The first step to dealing with a problem is to look deeper to see where it really lies. It can be so easy to 'not see the forest for the trees'.

Forget your MIL.... You need to think about how you can deal with this with your husband, so that you are together, as one, as husband and wife... And you can decide together how to handle things like this. Your husband is putting his MIL and her 'drama' well ahead of your, and your children's, feelings.

I know from personal experience how that can hurt!!!