A little worried about etiquette...

[gelandnick]

So, as well know, the Escape package limits guests to a total of 18. DF and I have made our guest selections, but many people are still excluded from the list. We thought that having a pre-reception (maybe catered at our favorite restaurant or held in a portion of a ballroom) where we would serve dinner and drinks... no wedding related activities such as the cake, traditional dances. We would have to invite about 70 people to include everyone that is not included in the DFTW and those who are invited.

All of the research I've done online states that this is poor etiquette. Basically that any event related to a wedding means that the guests should also be invited to the entire event. I can understand this, but I am also certain that someone somewhere out there has pulled off a fun mini event before the wedding and gracefully explained the guest limitations... right?

Has anyone else been in a similar situation? How did you explain this to everyone? How do you word the invitations to the "pre-reception" (or whatever it ends up being called). I really want to have this dinner so that nobody feels left out...

We also don't want to do it after the wedding because we will be taking a long honeymoon and kind of just want everything wrapped up and done all around the same time.

I feel like a terrible person after reading other forums about destination weddings related to this topic. Upgrading to the Wishes package is also not an option...

 

[Chilly]

If its a destination wedding then I think you should just have the wedding with 18 people. When you are home from the wedding/honeymoon you can always have a party with the other 70 people then.

If I was invited to a destination wedding I would expect to be invited to the wedding and would be unlikely to travel just for a meal.

Also you say a Wishes wedding is not an option but an Escape Wedding plus a meal for 70 people is going to cost more than the Wishes minimum i'd have thought anyway.

Your not a terrible person, you are trying to please eveyone, instead remember its your day and do what makes you happy. Anybody worth knowing will understand about not being invited.

 

[sambycat]

I think doing it after is ideal and then you can have pictures or something to show but I do understand wanting to be done with it all by then! I think that with destination weddings some rules are different and of course you know your family best! I think a party before is an engagement party (or perhaps a non voyage party?). While etiquette does sometimes seem a little nutty, having been on both sides of things I think I will tend to fall with etiquette. Or try to? We invited who we could and sent announcements after. We had to chose between the wedding and basically repeating a reception somewhere. Good luck!

 

[geek+nerd]

I say forget etiquette, within reason. We had an Escape wedding. We also had a champagne brunch shower/celebration with both men and women (mostly family and close friends-about 50 people) that we just couldn't invite to the wedding. People were very understanding of the guest count limit and seemed happy to celebrate with us.

 

[DisneyDudet]

We are having a reception back home after the wedding and honeymoon. We have big families that we can't invite to our Escape wedding, so this is a nice way to have them come celebrate with us. It will be short and come-and-go. Northing crazy fancy, but still very nice. People got upset that they wouldn't be invited to the wedding at WDW (they say that, but I would gather most wouldn't even make the trip). Its our day, and these people are also my friends that think JP weddings are the way to go (your friends can't really go to those, so its really the same!).

Asking people to travel to WDW for a meal, and not inviting them to the wedding, may be a bit off-putting for some, unless most people live close to Orlando.

I say have some sort of simple celebration at a different time. You can regale your family and friends about your wonderful honeymoon and beautiful fairy tale wedding! Plus, you should have a few photos to share!

 

[gelandnick]

Hi everyone. Thanks for the responses...I think I may have mis-worded my original post. We would have the dinner here at home before traveling to Disneyland for our escape wedding. So there would be no need for everyone else to travel because they are all here already.

Honestly, after hearing everyone's thoughts, I'm considering doing the dinner after we return from our honeymoon. Maybe something more casual and we can simply call it a "celebration". That way there is no fuss about the upcoming wedding people would not be invited to because it would be in the past. Plus, people will feel less obligated to bring gifts which could be a problem if we do it before the wedding.

Oh the many confusing aspects of etiquette! Sigh!

 

[lurkyloo]

I think etiquette gets less confusing and easier to follow when you consider that the main point is to make others feel comfortable. It sounds like you are on the right track with the idea of a casual post-honeymoon celebration that gives your friends and family an opportunity to celebrate your nuptials without feeling like they are being asked to bring a gift for a wedding they weren't invited to.

We did something very similar, just an open house where we showed our photos and videos. We sent the invites after the wedding so that they also functioned as announcements.

 

[wiigirl]

I think etiquette gets less confusing and easier to follow when you consider that the main point is to make others feel comfortable. It sounds like you are on the right track with the idea of a casual post-honeymoon celebration that gives your friends and family an opportunity to celebrate your nuptials without feeling like they are being asked to bring a gift for a wedding they weren't invited to.

We did something very similar, just an open house where we showed our photos and videos. We sent the invites after the wedding so that they also functioned as announcements.

 

[gelandnick]

I think etiquette gets less confusing and easier to follow when you consider that the main point is to make others feel comfortable. It sounds like you are on the right track with the idea of a casual post-honeymoon celebration that gives your friends and family an opportunity to celebrate your nuptials without feeling like they are being asked to bring a gift for a wedding they weren't invited to.

We did something very similar, just an open house where we showed our photos and videos. We sent the invites after the wedding so that they also functioned as announcements.

Thank you SO much for sharing your at home reception experience! It's definitely helpful and reassuring. I personally think your cake looked amazing!

Did you have any problems with people who were upset about missing the actual wedding? Did you let people know in advance (way before the wedding) that an event for them would still be held? I suppose my greatest concern is that people will think I am excluding them on purpose and I don't know how to eloquently explain the 18 person rule. I don't want them to feel like they are on the "B" team when that's not the case at all!

 

[lurkyloo]

Did you have any problems with people who were upset about missing the actual wedding? Did you let people know in advance (way before the wedding) that an event for them would still be held? I suppose my greatest concern is that people will think I am excluding them on purpose and I don't know how to eloquently explain the 18 person rule. I don't want them to feel like they are on the "B" team when that's not the case at all!

Well, the cool thing about the 18-person rule is, it's Disney's rule, not yours, so you can always just blame them. And I think most people understand that immediate family would be first in line for one of those slots.

With a Wishes wedding, we didn't have that excuse. I don't know if this was the right way to do it, but we basically just didn't talk about the wedding with anyone we weren't able to invite. We did send out engagement announcements, but that was it. I only had one acquaintance express disappointment at not being invited—I think most people were secretly glad they weren't being asked to travel all the way across the country for our wedding!

The combo announcement and reception invite was our first mention of the wedding to extended family and friends, although if people asked beforehand, we told them we were planning an at-home reception after we got our photos back. Interestingly, we've since heard from several of my husband's numerous cousins that they were glad we set a precedent in his ginormous family of not having to invite each and every relative to every wedding.

 

[DisneyDudet]

People are bummed that it is just family. We wouldn't be able to invite all I our friends, so we had to make the decision not to invite any. Most people asked if we were doing something back at home, and it was our plan all along. People understand more when you say it's only family, but that only works if its true. We had to turn some family away, so that was a harder decision.

Our celebration here is a come-and-go reception for those who want to come see us. It will be a few weeks after we get back, which will make things easier. Some people won't come because there isn't a ceremony attached to it, and I get it.

In the end, it's your wedding. Share it which who you want to share it with. Don't let others influence you into doing something you wouldn't be happy with.

 

[Summer Daydream]

We are having an escape wedding, mostly to cut down on the drama of a big wedding. Most people have been very understanding of the guest limit. We are having an at home celebration after the wedding for about 100 people. No one has said anything bad about this plan yet. In fact, people are actually expecting the celebration after we come home since destination weddings are becoming more common and people are becoming more familiar with this.

 

[mrsclark]

In my current job, I work with A LOT of engaged couples and have worked with quite a few who do a destination wedding and then host a party or reception back at home afterwards - never have I seen a pre-party before (in fact, my boss just got married in Mexico and then had a reception back home). I have heard grumbling from some wedding guests that they don't appreciate being invited to the reception (where they feel obligated to buy a gift), but didn't get invited to the "real thing." BUT these people seem to be in the minority - the people who really want to celebrate with you will just be happy to share in your joy and the people who don't get it or are grumpy about it, are just that grumpy. I say do the wedding that your fiance and you really want - it is your day, you get to feel special, make your dream come true.

By the way, my DH and I have been married 5 1/2 years - we had a (somewhat) traditional wedding at home and then went to DW for our honeymoon. I would love to "marry" my husband again at DW (and hope to do so someday - maybe on our 10th or 25th), so good luck and best of wishes - I am sure you will have an awesome wedding at Disney.

 

[acwaters]

Unfortunately, you will never make everyone happy So do what makes you happy! I would do the celebration of love party after the wedding that way no one feels like they have to bring you a gift. I would just keep the wedding to strict family. Just think you could make a slide show from your wedding pictures to play at your after party. That way everyone could still feel like they experienced your wedding day in some way. Also you could always do a photoboth at the after party and take photo's with all your guest to make them feel even more included. Sorry i am wedding photographer so i tend to ramble about pictures LOL. Good luck and Remember it is your day!!!

 

[gelandnick]

You are all seriously so amazing!

I am liking the idea of doing a casual reception a few weeks after the wedding/honeymoon more and more. It will give us time to relax after the wedding and it won't have any formal wedding strings attached.

 

[jmelenbrink]

We are also planning a big celebration party/open house at our home after returning from Disney. Like Lurkyloo said, we want to be able to share our joy (and pictures) with all of our family and friends but for us we wanted our actual ceremony to just be all about the kids and us. Everyone has been really supportive of our choice. I think your family would understand if you chose to do something similar.

 

[pollypineapple8]

Iam having a memories collection wedding - 6 guests including bride & groom

We are inviting my 2 parents, Grooms Dad & Brother

Then we are having a big party back home for everyone else 100+

I have had lots of people ASSUME they are invited to Disney I have had to explain that we are having a getaway wedding and an intimate ceremony with just our parents.

If people are offended then thats just too bad. U cant please everyone.
They will soon get over it

 

[LovesHauntedMansion]

The pre-wedding reception seems a little unusual to me. A party when you come back from your honeymoon is more acceptable. It is almost expected now. A little advice: Please write on the invitation not to bring gifts. If not, you'll hear "I wasn't good enough to go to the wedding, but now they're having an event to collect presents."

 

[Fifitrixabellee]

We are marrying on the Disney Magic so we have had to limit to family and close friends. Some family have decided not to come because of cost or travelling which is fine. We will be doing a B2b so will have our reception when we return home 2 weeks later. Everyone has been fully excepting of this and it means we can include those that couldn't attend. We are having a photo booth.
As others have said you can't please everyone and it should be about you and your husband not everyone else.

 

[kari4ksu]

We are actually doing a casual pre-wedding celebration in November for our extended families and friends who won't be attending the Escape wedding in January. We chose to do it this way to avoid scheduling during the holidays, and a post-wedding celebration seemed unrealistic in January or February in the Midwest due to winter weather. Our families have been very understanding of our guest restrictions, so this works for us.