A little MIL tension

[sparks19]

Let me start off by saying this is just a vent. I love my MIL very much and we get along famously. We talk every day. There is no MIL/DIL angst per say.

My DD is not potty trained. she's 3 1/2. Trust me no one wants her potty trained more than I do. diapers are expensive. But this is something she's just not going to give into easily. She knows HOW to do it. she just doesn't want to unless it's her idea. If you put her on the potty and she didnt' ASK you.. she will not go. even if you sit there for an hour lol. But if she asks she will go right away... but she doesn't ask often.

I will ask her but usually the answer is "no thank you". She is just not going to give to pressuring (I hope she stays that way as a teen lol). I've tried stickers, toys, charts, candy, reverse psychology, flat out making her sit on the potty. but she's just not going to do it unless I back off. so that's what I'm doing.

i'm putting her in plain underwear and letting her take the reigns.

HOWEVER, my MIL thinks she should be potty trained by now and she talks about it EVERYDAY. Whenever I talk to her on the phone (which is daily) she'll say "Tell Hannah Grammy said she needs to pee on the potty" and things like that and she's just always making an issue about it.

I tell her exactly what I said above... she's just not going to do it unless I stop pressuring her and let her take the lead. My MIL's response is always "Hmmm... well tell her big girls go in the potty"

I can deal with that because she only says it to me and not to DD. But now she's coming to visit in May. I'm excited about the visit. we always have fun and DD lvoes her Grammy but I'm a bit worried that she's going to make an issue of the potty training and that's only going to make things worse and push us back even further. I've already tried her method... it doesn't work for my daughter. My husband says if she starts with it to let him know and he will deal with it... but MIL tends to not be the best listener lol. We pick on her all the time about it... she's famous for it lol. one of those people where you say something and 5 minutes later she asks you a question that you just answered 5 minutes ago lol. We love her for it but in instances like this she just doesn't get it and I'm not sure if I should just ignore it and deal with the delay it will probably cause in the training... lord knows I've caused a big enough delay with this whole thing so what's another week delay.

I don't want to hurt her feelings, I appreciate her advice but this is a case where less will be more and she just doesn't operate that way lol.

Also I am up for tips for something I haven't tried yet as far as the potty training goes lol

 

[dngnb8]

I dont have In-Laws

I have Out-laws

 

[Hannathy]

Or it could be the truth your DD needs to hear! And wanting to please grandma does it. I mean she isn't 2 I would let her listen to Grandma, she is old enough to hear about it. I'm with Grandma.

I also wouldn't be so sure I want her to be so stubborn and not listening to me when she is a teen. be very careful what you wish for.

Or better yet get her trained before Grandma gets there so there isn't anything to worry about.

I don't get it if she is in reg. Panties who cleans her up? If she knows what you want and can do it then it is time to quit playing games and letting her run you around. Say you know what to do if you don't do it I'm not cleaning you, you are here are the panties and the wipes put the dirty ones in this hamper. When she has to do the work it won't be so much fun. She is playing you at this point and that isn't something I would want to encourage.

 

[mickeyboat]

Your MIL is just trying to be supportive. Mommy knows best, but I don't think it will hurt your DD's chances of being potty trained if your MIL puts a little pressure you her. Heck, it might just work better coming from someone other than Mommy. (I know my kids behave 10 times better for other people than for me).

As long as your MIL is not being cruel or berating your DD or belittling you, don't worry too much. If the method doesn't work, your MIL will figure it out pretty quickly. And if your DD delays training for one more week, it's not that big of a deal.

It is nice to see a DIS poster with a good relationship with her MIL! I loved mine and miss her every day.

PS - yes, be careful about what you wish for as far as teen who won't give in to pressure. There are some pressures that need to be given in to.

 

[Magic Mom]

Let me start off by saying this is just a vent. I love my MIL very much and we get along famously. We talk every day. There is no MIL/DIL angst per say.

My DD is not potty trained. she's 3 1/2. Trust me no one wants her potty trained more than I do. diapers are expensive. But this is something she's just not going to give into easily. She knows HOW to do it. she just doesn't want to unless it's her idea. If you put her on the potty and she didnt' ASK you.. she will not go. even if you sit there for an hour lol. But if she asks she will go right away... but she doesn't ask often.

I will ask her but usually the answer is "no thank you". She is just not going to give to pressuring (I hope she stays that way as a teen lol). I've tried stickers, toys, charts, candy, reverse psychology, flat out making her sit on the potty. but she's just not going to do it unless I back off. so that's what I'm doing.

i'm putting her in plain underwear and letting her take the reigns.

HOWEVER, my MIL thinks she should be potty trained by now and she talks about it EVERYDAY. Whenever I talk to her on the phone (which is daily) she'll say "Tell Hannah Grammy said she needs to pee on the potty" and things like that and she's just always making an issue about it.

I tell her exactly what I said above... she's just not going to do it unless I stop pressuring her and let her take the lead. My MIL's response is always "Hmmm... well tell her big girls go in the potty"

I can deal with that because she only says it to me and not to DD. But now she's coming to visit in May. I'm excited about the visit. we always have fun and DD lvoes her Grammy but I'm a bit worried that she's going to make an issue of the potty training and that's only going to make things worse and push us back even further. I've already tried her method... it doesn't work for my daughter. My husband says if she starts with it to let him know and he will deal with it... but MIL tends to not be the best listener lol. We pick on her all the time about it... she's famous for it lol. one of those people where you say something and 5 minutes later she asks you a question that you just answered 5 minutes ago lol. We love her for it but in instances like this she just doesn't get it and I'm not sure if I should just ignore it and deal with the delay it will probably cause in the training... lord knows I've caused a big enough delay with this whole thing so what's another week delay.

I don't want to hurt her feelings, I appreciate her advice but this is a case where less will be more and she just doesn't operate that way lol.

Also I am up for tips for something I haven't tried yet as far as the potty training goes lol

As long as she's not being hurtful, let her say what she wants. It won't cause dd to regress since MIL is just coming for a short visit and not an extended stay. Maybe she will see that her method isn't going to work for your dd like she expects it too.

Worse case scenario, dd doesn't do what Grandma suggests, best case....it works and dd potty trains.

You sound like an awesome DIL.

 

[bumbershoot]

Obviously you know that different kids figure it out at different times. My son figured it all out very early, and almost against my wishes (I was the one slowing him down LOL), but a good friend of mine is dealing with a 3ish year old girl who knows the routine but just has no interest in doing it. She tries each method, gives each a good solid try, in turn, with breaks for her own sanity in between. Nothing's working yet!

I would just make sure MIL has been told firmly that this is NOT up for discussion anymore, and if she does it in front of your daughter, that's not going to be OK.

My MIL thinks that little snide snippy comments about what DS might not be doing yet, that she thinks he should be doing, are helpful. They are not. After a visit when she does this, we have to deal with his emotions, because she *hurts his feelings*. He wants her to love him just as he is (which is absolutely impossible for the woman, she just does not know how to do that), and when she says that she thinks he should be doing xyz (or doing it better) it makes him sad.

I hope your daughter doesn't react that way if MIL says something to her, because I'm sure that no normal grandparent wants to be the cause of hurt feelings.

Best of luck!

 

[Arielle22]

I agree with Hannathy. Perhaps your DD would use the potty to please her Grandmother.

My nephew was not fully potty trained until he was 5 years old (yup you read it right). My brother in law is the SAHD and is very laid back. Another sister would take nephew overnight and baby him about it, telling him it was no big deal.

When we took him overnight DH and I told him (kindly but firmly) that children his age don't still use diapers and we would put him on the potty once an hour. When he was with us he stayed dry and used the potty.

 

[sparks19]

Or it could be the truth your DD needs to hear! And wanting to please grandma does it. I mean she isn't 2 I would let her listen to Grandma, she is old enough to hear about it. I'm with Grandma.

I also wouldn't be so sure I want her to be so stubborn and not listening to me when she is a teen. be very careful what you wish for.

Or better yet get her trained before Grandma gets there so there isn't anything to worry about.

I don't get it if she is in reg. Panties who cleans her up? If she knows what you want and can do it then it is time to quit playing games and letting her run you around. Say you know what to do if you don't do it I'm not cleaning you, you are here are the panties and the wipes put the dirty ones in this hamper. When she has to do the work it won't be so much fun. She is playing you at this point and that isn't something I would want to encourage.

She does hear it. I've been trying to potty train her for a year. I've done the stern "you do this now" routine, I've done the reward program, The underwear I just started putting on her today, before that we tried those pull ups... pfft those were the same as diapers.

She cleaned her underwear in the sink today. I've got to clean them as I go right now and she thinks cleaning them is great fun. She doesn't mind doing for herself.

Yeah she's not perfect... I'm not perfect we have some issues with things like potty training but overall we are doing well over here. She's not a bad kid and I'm not a bad mother We've just hit a snag and since I can't MAKE her go to the bathroom I have to let her take the lead on this one. Pushing her only makes her regress more and has in the past caused constipation problems because she didn't want to poop on the potty. (pooping on the potty is what caused the original hiatus in potty training. she was doing very well going pee everyday and then she pooped and FREAKED out.) I actually had to take her to the doctor for the last bout of constipation because she'll just hold it rather than poop on the potty. But since letting her take the lead she has pooped on the potty almost once every day (usually after a bath lol) and has peed on the potty at least once everyday.

So letting her decide is the right choice here I think.. I just have to be patient. it's not going to happen overnight but I'm being very careful not to have another regression and so far it's working. So it's probably not the perfect solution and letting her have control over her potty training perhaps is more control than she should have but it's (very slowly) working.

If she responds to grammy telling her to go potty then fabulous, have at it but if she doesn't I don't want Grammy keeping on it. I know my way may not be the right way but my husband and I are in agreement with the course of action and we are her parents so whether someone agrees or not is not really my issue... I just know the stern approach hasn't worked.

oddly enough as I was typing this post we had a pee accident but then she went right to the potty and did a #2 lol TMI I'm sure but I'm happy about that. it's progress slow and sure

 

[sparks19]

I agree with Hannathy. Perhaps your DD would use the potty to please her Grandmother.

My nephew was not fully potty trained until he was 5 years old (yup you read it right). My brother in law is the SAHD and is very laid back. Another sister would take nephew overnight and baby him about it, telling him it was no big deal.

When we took him overnight DH and I told him (kindly but firmly) that children his age don't still use diapers and we would put him on the potty once an hour. When he was with us he stayed dry and used the potty.

I hope that would be the case but they take her to potty at school every hour with everyone else and she doesn't go there either.

that's what I meant by wishing she was that way as a teen... I meant I hope she's not a follower when she's a teen. doing things just cause everyone else is. know what I mean LOL it was a joke anyway. apparently a failed one LOL

 

[cabanafrau]

Obviously you know that different kids figure it out at different times. My son figured it all out very early, and almost against my wishes (I was the one slowing him down LOL), but a good friend of mine is dealing with a 3ish year old girl who knows the routine but just has no interest in doing it. She tries each method, gives each a good solid try, in turn, with breaks for her own sanity in between. Nothing's working yet!

I would just make sure MIL has been told firmly that this is NOT up for discussion anymore, and if she does it in front of your daughter, that's not going to be OK.

My MIL thinks that little snide snippy comments about what DS might not be doing yet, that she thinks he should be doing, are helpful. They are not. After a visit when she does this, we have to deal with his emotions, because she *hurts his feelings*. He wants her to love him just as he is (which is absolutely impossible for the woman, she just does not know how to do that), and when she says that she thinks he should be doing xyz (or doing it better) it makes him sad.

I hope your daughter doesn't react that way if MIL says something to her, because I'm sure that no normal grandparent wants to be the cause of hurt feelings.

Best of luck!

Just gotta ask, why would you try to slow your son down on potty training? And even curiouser, how in the heck would you go about it???

I have never heard of anyone trying to prevent or delay potty training before.

 

[luvsJack]

You are doing what is best for your child and I wouldn't worry too much about what your mil says or what anyone here says.

Your dd may respond positivly to your mil and then go right back to what she is doing now, so don't count on it working. but don't expect it to hurt either, KWIM?

DD was 3 1/2 before she was potty trained too. I didn't pressure her at all. After months of disposable training pants (she was in child care) and some days going potty and some days not--I took her to town and bought some panties she picked out and just put them on her. She resisted for awhile and then one day she just started going to the potty. Your dd will get there too.

 

[tlbwriter]

Well, the thing is, you KNOW your MIL is going to say something to her. So you may as well attempt to steer that in a possibly helpful direction, allowing her to feel like she can contribute. I would say something like this:

"MIL, we've been working on this for a long time, and we know from experience that if we TELL Hannah to use the potty, she will not do it. In fact, she's had a really nasty painful bout of constipation because she deliberately holds it in. So here's what I'd like to do. I'm hoping that having Grandma around might be an inspiration. She'll probably poop on the potty after her bath, and if you tell her how impressed you are, and how you had no idea she was big enough to do that, it might help make some headway. But if it doesn't, I'm going to have to ask you to NOT MENTION IT AGAIN, because her doctor says it could push her into another round of constipation. Can you help me with this?" And then every morning tell her "Remember, no potty talk!"

 

[sparks19]

You are doing what is best for your child and I wouldn't worry too much about what your mil says or what anyone here says.

Your dd may respond positivly to your mil and then go right back to what she is doing now, so don't count on it working. but don't expect it to hurt either, KWIM?

DD was 3 1/2 before she was potty trained too. I didn't pressure her at all. After months of disposable training pants (she was in child care) and some days going potty and some days not--I took her to town and bought some panties she picked out and just put them on her. She resisted for awhile and then one day she just started going to the potty. Your dd will get there too.

I don't want to jinx it because everytime I say something is working it suddenly stops working LOL

But I have had her in nothing but underwear all day... she has had a lot of accidents but she's also gone on the potty 4 times now (3 of those were since I started this thread LOL... i should start these threads more often) which is more than she's gone in one day in... I don't even know how long lol. SO this seems to be sparking her interest *knock on wood*

I just don't understand why everyone is always on her about and on me too. It's not like she's going to be stunted for life if she's not potty trained by 3 1/2. Does anyone know any 20 year olds that never learned to use the potty? No lol. she'll get it eventually but I can't force her to do it no matter how much I may want to. She has control in this situation whether I like it or not so we need to find a way to do this together rather than me just telling her she has to.

Thanks everyone. I think it probably is just better to leave it be. She'll see how she is when she gets here. She lives far away and doesn't get to see DD as often as she would like to so I know she doesn't really understand how this is going. For my husband (and he'll kill me for telling this here haha) he was potty trained because they got tired of it and let him sit in his diaper for a while after he ran to hide somewhere to poop but wouldn't go potty... but for DD that doesn't bother her. she would just sit in it and not say a word. I know MIL wouldn't do anything intentionally to be hurtful but she does say things in a "shaming" tone sometimes but she doesn't realize she does it.

 

[sparks19]

Well, the thing is, you KNOW your MIL is going to say something to her. So you may as well attempt to steer that in a possibly helpful direction, allowing her to feel like she can contribute. I would say something like this:

"MIL, we've been working on this for a long time, and we know from experience that if we TELL Hannah to use the potty, she will not do it. In fact, she's had a really nasty painful bout of constipation because she deliberately holds it in. So here's what I'd like to do. I'm hoping that having Grandma around might be an inspiration. She'll probably poop on the potty after her bath, and if you tell her how impressed you are, and how you had no idea she was big enough to do that, it might help make some headway. But if it doesn't, I'm going to have to ask you to NOT MENTION IT AGAIN, because her doctor says it could push her into another round of constipation. Can you help me with this?" And then every morning tell her "Remember, no potty talk!"

hmmmm I like that.

I may write that on my hand so I remember to say it just like that lol seriously that would be the perfect thing to say to her and I like the morning reminder. I know when I remind her she'll say "Oh yeah... I forgot. good thinkin" She refers to herself as "scatterbrained" so she says she forgets things and needs to be reminded

 

[tlbwriter]

I know when I remind her she'll say "Oh yeah... I forgot. good thinkin" She refers to herself as "scatterbrained" so she says she forgets things and needs to be reminded

And you're lucky she feels that way, so she'll consider it "reminding" and not "nagging!"

 

[DSNY4ever]

My nephew was not fully potty trained until he was 5 years old (yup you read it right). My brother in law is the SAHD and is very laid back. Another sister would take nephew overnight and baby him about it, telling him it was no big deal.

Did he go to school? My mom was a pre-school teacher for over 30 years and the kids were not allowed to move into the "3's" class until they were potty trained. Some parents tried to lie and say their kid was potty trained and when the teachers found out they were not, the kids were pulled from the class.

 

[bgirl29]

Your daughter sounds very much like my middle child. She would sometimes use the potty and a lot of times just go in her pullup. We could tell she was totally ready but she just had to make up her own mind about it.

After many months of this I finally decided to try reverse psychology. I took the potty chair out of the bathroom and told her I didnt even want to talk about her using the potty chair anymore she could just keep using her pullups. At this point I could tell that she was not going to use it because I wanted her to.

Well my daughter decided as soon as I took it away that she wanted to use it. I told her no thats ok I know u just want to use diapers longer and I am tired of looking at it in the bathroom. My sister was over and when my daughter wasnt paying attention to me I told my sis to get the seat out of the basement and see if she would really want it.

My daughter used the potty chair and the next time she used the regular toilet and she never needed another pull up or diaper again. She was so ready but it totally had to be her decision. Once she decided she never had another accident. I am not saying this would work for anyone else but I just thought it might be something else you could try.

Also I wanted to let you know that there is hope that things could happen really quickly for you.

 

[Abbie]

We have the "ten-year rule" in our house....ask yourself if this (whatever is the issue) will matter in ten years. Eventually that child will learn to use the toilet!

None of my kids ever used a potty chair, they used that thing that went over the toilet, with a stepstool to climb up and down. I wonder if they still sell those and if that might make it more appealing to your daughter?

 

[clutter]

Well I'm here to tell you that my dd didn't potty train until 3 3/4! And it involved many phone calls, secretly, to my bff saying "I'm Joan Crawford!!!" I found out later (much later) that she thought if she potty trained I'd send her to school where she'd have to eat mac and cheese for lunch. (she still hates mac and cheese, btw)

Anyway she is now 14. And still an independent thinker that doesn't follow the crowd.

 

[princessnoelly]

A suggestion....
This worked great for my older DD. We would sing songs during potty breaks that were related to the event. "Tinkle...tinkle...little...PeXPee...how I wonder if your stinky. right down in the bottom of the bowl I get to hear you go..." and 1 little 2 little 3 little indians go popoo...". Then when she would #2- We would all yell SPLASH! And, she got to call my parents, in laws who ever she wanted when she did her business. This was a huge treat to her to get to tell people on the phone that she did her business. Then my MIL would take her to buy her big girl panties after 5 accident free days.

Younger DD we did the same thing with but she wanted to be like "sissy" and use the potty. However, she got a bad stomach virus and it derailed her. Fully potty trained and we had to put her back in diapers.

Good luck! At least summer almost here and running around bare doesn't have the chilling effect!