A kid that does not appreciate things.

[TSirgey]

momloveson- I can completely relate to you. We have a 4 yr. "only" too. We also started the no gift unless it is a holiday routine. Unfortunately, our in-laws that live 4 hours away feel the need to send her things all the time. We try to get them to stop, but I just give up.

When her birthday rolled around in November, I put a giant box in the middle of the floor and told her to put all the toys she doesn't want in the box so we could give them to charity. She was very enthusiastic about it and gave away things at surprised me. Now we have Xmas around the corner, so it is probably time for another box to charity!!

For our last trip in Feb, we had her save all her change and we cashed it in for Disney bucks just before her trip. At 3 and 1/2, she did little chores around the house for me for a quarter here and there. In the end, she had $100 to spend!! Never to early or late to teach the concept of earning money.

 

[MrsPete]

After thinking about this, I have a couple suggestions to add to my post from yesterday:

Several other posters have suggested an allowance/budget. I think this is a very good idea for an unappreciative child, but you must stick to it as well. I'd suggest that you expect her to pay for some NEEDS as well as fun things as well. Perhaps you'd give her $10 every Friday, and she's expected to buy her school lunch (1.50 per day) as well as paying for her own little luxuries. Do not give her too much! Then next year you might up the amount to $12, but add that she must pay for her own notebooks, pencils, etc (that'd force her to plan and save a bit). I'm doing this with my girls, and it's working out very well. If they run short on lunch money, they need to get up early enough to make a PB&J. My girls also look for creative ways to avoid spending. They think ahead about making homemade presents. They trade books with friends. They look at the sale papers in the Sunday paper. Why? because it's THEIR MONEY! I'd also suggest that you make her put $1-2 per week in to a piggy bank; it wont' take her long to realize that money adds up quickly. When they're a little older (perhaps beginning the last year of middle school), I plan to give them a clothing allowance every few months. Once again, an allowance will never work if you give in any buy her stuff anyway. It has to be a learning tool.

Another poster said that she NEVER buys toys unless it's Christmas or a birthday. We do the same thing. Sound harsh? It really isn't. We go all-out at Christmas time, and on birthdays we buy 2-3 nice presents. That's PLENTY of toys for a child. In between, the kids can save THEIR own money for any little goodies they want. If they have a burning desire for something expensive, they know that they can ask for some extra WORK around the house.

Finally, I'd suggest that you and she start a GRATITUDE JOURNAL together on New Year's Day. Pick up a blank book at the book store, and every day you two write a few things for which you're grateful. It could be as simple as a nice dinner, good weather, or a kind comment from a friend. You can reinforce her grateful attitude in the book with things like, "I am glad that you made your bed this morning without being asked." With you setting an example, hopefully she'll begin to notice all the little things that are done for her.

 

[myldybugnbumbleb]

My daughter is 7 and I feel the same as you, She does'nt appreciate anything and she always wants more. I think it might just be a combination of their age and the fact that now days everything is more materialistic, But i'm not laying all of the blame there. I do blame myself for alot of it. The idea of just buying gifts for holidays is great..its worth a try.

 

[cdrn1]

You know, the situation may not be as bad as you think it is. I have three adult daughters, and at any given time during their childhood and growing up years I would have said that each and every one was unappreciative. But now that they are grown, they are kind and loving and generous and mature, and very often express appreciation of all that we did for them while they were growing up. She's a kid and kids don't always appreciate what they have, and often take things for granted.

 

[sunny04]

Hello...I don't have children, but I teach drama at an elementary school and get 470 students per week ages 3-12. The main thing you have to do is set the standards you want her to follow and BE CONSISTENT!!! It makes no difference if you tell her she has to follow a budget now, but in two weeks you are too tired to go over it with her and tell her it doesn't matter. What do you expect from her? Do you want thank yous, smiles, whatever. You need to give her behavior guidelines and stick to them. Have some consequences and rewards set...I hate using them, but with children, that is what they understand sometimes. If she pitches a fit about not getting something she wants, what is the consequence? You have to decide each thing for yourself based on your situation and her maturity. I think the most important thing is communication and consistency. She has to understand what is expected and know it is not going to change.

Keep trying and don't get discouraged!! I work with kids every day who's parents don't care....be proud of yourself for everything you have done. Tell yourself that you are doing a great job and it's okay to not be perfect. It will all work out in the end!

 

[HappyLawyer]

Hello...I don't have children, but I teach drama at an elementary school and get 470 students per week ages 3-12. The main thing you have to do is set the standards you want her to follow and BE CONSISTENT!!! It makes no difference if you tell her she has to follow a budget now, but in two weeks you are too tired to go over it with her and tell her it doesn't matter. What do you expect from her? Do you want thank yous, smiles, whatever. You need to give her behavior guidelines and stick to them. Have some consequences and rewards set...I hate using them, but with children, that is what they understand sometimes. If she pitches a fit about not getting something she wants, what is the consequence? You have to decide each thing for yourself based on your situation and her maturity. I think the most important thing is communication and consistency. She has to understand what is expected and know it is not going to change.

Keep trying and don't get discouraged!! I work with kids every day who's parents don't care....be proud of yourself for everything you have done. Tell yourself that you are doing a great job and it's okay to not be perfect. It will all work out in the end!

hun, f you teach, then you have children

 

[sunny04]

none of my own, but I have 470 little ones running around!! Hope I helped you some.

 

[minkydog]

At 8yo, most kids are pretty stable and helpful and empathetic.
Unappreciative...hmmm. That covers a lot of ground. Is she really just insensitive to your need to hear feedback? My 11yo daughter is like that. She is a caring & lovely person, but it seldom occurs to her to say thank you or express gratitude. She is not spoiled but she does have difficulty expressing feelings.She sometimes has trouble feeling what others are feeling. So I make a conscious effort to draw her thoughts out of her--that way she hears herself being grateful and I have a chance to re-confirm her feelings. When I do things for her that are special, I tell her what I expect and that usually prompts her to respond appropriately. It has been helpful to her to have the behavior modelled for her.

On the other hand, if your daughter really is just uncaring & self-centered I would consider cutting off her supply. No trip to WDW or anywhere else. No extras and no begging or arguing allowed. I have an older son who is very sensitive, but he is 18 so it's all about him now. He knows how to behave and chooses not to be grateful. Therefore, he doesn't get good things. When he is helpful and polite and respectful, then good things happen.

There is no way I would take a trip to WDW with a child who is truly ungrateful, disrespectful or badly behaved.NO WAY. If money is tight, I would not take a 9-day trip anywhere, but especially not to WDW (are you kidding? ). Take the time to decide what the real problem is, and if you can't, then seek a child therapist who can help you get to the bottom of this. There may be things bothering her that she can't express.

 

[Alysa]

Two suggestions to add to the great ones already:

1. The book "Silver Spoon Kids: Communications about money in healthy ways, Teaching strong values and compassion, and Preventing a feeling of entitlement; How sussessful parents raise responsible children" by E & J Gallo

Great book, and good for you by the way, for learning to communicate with your daughter now before she becomes a teen!

2. Counting blessings - eat all your meals at the table (excellent for communicating together about everything) and along with what she did at school, homework, her friends, etc., make up a game where she has to come up with five (ten things when she gets better at it) she is grateful for. If you are religious - you might incorporate that into saying grace at the table and or her prayers when she goes to bed.

Best of luck, I am sure with a parent who is so concerned with her well being she is going to come through this just fine.

 

[kkcolton5]

A lot of these suggestions are just wonderful! Mrs. Pete, you might want to write a parenting book!! I have a similar situation with my 11 yr old DD. Tonight, in fact, three days before our trip to Disney, we opened Christmas gifts. My DD got every single thing she wanted and then some, and was thrilled upon opening each gift. Very happy. Until....I asked her to fold up her new clothes and take them to her room. She had been cramming them into a box at this point. When I repeated my request, she shrugged and said "No. I'll fold them later in my room." Her room, mind you, is littered with clothing from all the TweenieBopper stores, like Abercrombie and American Eagle. Littered meaning, all the clothes are strewn about the floor, despite my repeated requests to hang things up. She started to get all snarky and witchy, and I calmly told her to straighten up, this is Christmas, you got what you wanted, etc. etc. She was just out of control. Anyway, so.....doing a total Dr. Phil, I had her gather up her new Christmas stuff and....my husband is at the mall this very minute, returning each and every item we purchased for Christmas. Yes, I feel awful, but that kid isn't going to learn a darn thing if she always gets what she wants AND gets to treat me and her stepdad terribly. Now, if I could only pull her out of our trip to Disney, I would. Unfortunately, I can't! Her dad is meeting us there on Monday (another of my trying-to-make-her-happy-at-all-costs efforts) so they can spend three days at Disney, too (he lives in another state and doesn't see her very often). I think Tough Love is the only way to straighten these primadonnas out.

 

[kkcolton5]

By the way, we have family meals every night, do Meals on Wheels, donate new items as well as used items to charity, donate blankets and food to animal shelters, have deep and meaningful talks whenever she "feels" like it, and I write her encouraging notes in her lunchbox and on her whiteboard in her room, ALL THE TIME. Nothing can satisfy this girl, I'm telling you. It isn't enough, nothing is ever enough for her.

 

[minkydog]

Anyway, so.....doing a total Dr. Phil, I had her gather up her new Christmas stuff and....my husband is at the mall this very minute, returning each and every item we purchased for Christmas. Yes, I feel awful, but that kid isn't going to learn a darn thing if she always gets what she wants AND gets to treat me and her stepdad terribly. Now, if I could only pull her out of our trip to Disney, I would. Unfortunately, I can't! Her dad is meeting us there on Monday (another of my trying-to-make-her-happy-at-all-costs efforts) so they can spend three days at Disney, too (he lives in another state and doesn't see her very often). I think Tough Love is the only way to straighten these primadonnas out.

And I applaud you! You are sooo right and as the mother of a less-than-appreciative 18yo I can assure it gets worse before it gets better. As painful as it was for you and for her, it was the right thing. I'm betting she doesn't "understand" and "hates you" right now(I also have an 11yo girl, I know the drill), but I also would be willing to bet she NEVER does that again.

Now as for her dad--Are you two on pretty good terms? If so, I would enlist her father's help. Perhaps she can still go on her trip and visit with dear ol' dad--but not at Disney World. There are other things to do in and near Orlando, if he is willing & supportive. Of course, you have no control over what Dad does with her, but if you are both on the same team he might be willing to work with you (as opposed to being the "good parent" who not only did not take away all the gifts, but came through with Mickey! )

Just so you know, we have been through bouts of the gimmes with two kids. We have laid the law down with each one and they have learned to be appreciative. One Christmas all they got was a pillowcase and a pair of sturdy shoes. They still talk about that one...

Cathy--mom to John,18 ("Presents?"), Eleni, 11 ("Presents!"), and Christian,9 ("Just happy to be in your presence")

 

[kkcolton5]

I love to hear stories from the trenches! I hate to hear it's gonna get worse before it gets better!! It killed me to have my DH return the gifts, but when I woke up this morning, I felt fine. She deserved it. Now....regarding Disney, yes, my former hubby is completely supportive, but still wants to take her to Disney. That's because he's a Marine officer, and ready to be deployed to Iraq at any moment, so the Disney trip is really important to him. I completely understand that, and her behavior with US doesn't affect her relationship with him. It should, but I know he'll talk to her and see what's going on (if she's even open to discussing it with him), but primarily he'll be trying to enjoy her while he can before deployment. She doesn't know about the deployment, so that's not why she's being such a snot! I LOVE the pillowcase and sturdy shoes Christmas!! You made me laugh, and I needed that!! Gosh, parenting is soooooo hard, isn't it?! And I've got two boys (ages 1 & 2) left to raise, too!!!!! UGH! Thank you so much for your post, Cathy!

 

[fallingwithstyle]

Hi All,

New to the boards-just found DIS on Monday. Have been a Disney fanatic since I was a child and now that I have a child (not quite 2 1/2-year old son, Hunter) of my own, I'm seeing Disney in a whole new light. Hunter has been to Disney World once at 14 months for a week and on the 7-day Western Disney Cruise once in September '04. We're going back to Disney World for Hunter's 3rd Birthday in August '05 (I know, I know-what a time to visit but it's a family trip and sister is a teacher, yada yada yada...)

Anyway, this thread caught my eye because it reminded me of my niece. My sister is a single parent and lives with my parents. She has a ten-year old daughter who is extremely spoiled. We're all to blame because she was the only child in the family for 8 years before my other sisters and I started having children of our own. My parents gave her everything and she came to expect the world every Birthday and Holiday. She has been to WDW 8 times (never for less than 7 days, most recently for 10 days Sept '04) and on the Disney Cruise once. She is returning in August '05 with the rest of the family. This year we all gave $ to buy her a computer for her Birthday and she acted as if it wasn't enough. I have to tell you that I can't help you or give any suggestions, just that I know where you're coming from and understand your frustration.

Glad to be a part of the DIS.

Take care!
Sarah

 

[minkydog]

....regarding Disney, yes, my former hubby is completely supportive, but still wants to take her to Disney. That's because he's a Marine officer, and ready to be deployed to Iraq at any moment, so the Disney trip is really important to him. QUOTE]

Well, my hat's off to dad, too! and I agree, in this situation she probably should be allowed to have a wonderful Disney time with dad, even if she is being a "snot".

The pre-teen and teen years are, IMO, just as difficult as the 2s. The difference is they are taller, more verbal, sneakier. That's why it is so important to get the balance of power right when they are younger. We have had a lot of struggles with my 18yo, but he recognizes the line in the sand. He might get "mouthy" now and then, but he knows that ONE incident of violence, drugs, or illegal activities will result in a trip in the back of a friendly(or not) police car. We have made it clear from early on that they live by our (mainstream) values or they live elsewhere. So far, we have had no takers...

Cathy--I am MOTHER, watch me roar...

 

[momloveson]

good for you kk! Well done!

 

[kkcolton5]

Thank you for your support! It's been a long day. My DD didn't quite believe I meant what I said. She actually asked if she could keep some of her gifts. I told her it was too late, that her stepdad had already returned them, which was true. It's been a hard day because I alternate between feeling guilty and feeling victorious for once!