A Dr. Laura Caller, Upset with fiance over his dog. WWYD?

[DawnCt1]

Let me ask this...what would you guys do if your child was born with severe allergies to the house pet. Would you tell the child to suck it up??

Of course not. The child didn't enter the situation voluntarily and a child is the parents' primary responsibility. I had a siamese cat that we absolutely loved and had from early in our marriage. Our second child and third child developed asthma and both were allergic to the cat on contact. The cat went to live with my mother. The boys couldn't sleep at her house anymore, but they could visit
for a couple of hours and my mother would come to our house quite often. It was a compromise we had to make. My mother was willing to adopt our cat so we were lucky. Our oldest DS is now allergic to cats and dogs....except poodles. I love cats. I would have a cat but then I it wouldn't be fair to our DSs. This is nothing we could have known until we had children. Going into a relationship with all of the info out on the table however, is quite different.

 

[momx2]

I agree, pets aren't disposable, but some of the posts here seem so insensitive to the woman and her allegeries. I didn't hear the call, but maybe she didn't realize how allergic she was. I know I never imagined that I would have such severe allergies to the cats. Some people have mild allergies and they become worse or better over time. My youngest daughter grew out of her dairy allergy.

I guess I am just very sensitive to this situation having lived through it and having the cats win. Even while I was pregnant and wheezing the cats were more important and couldn't live outside because they were there first. I guess I'm still bitter....

I do agree that there is more to this story.

 

[NYPDwife]

Let me ask this...what would you guys do if your child was born with severe allergies to the house pet. Would you tell the child to suck it up??

That's a silly question. It's like apples and oranges. Like another poster said, if the woman was that allergic, she would have had a problem even being near this guy. I do think it's an issue of control.

I love my dogs, but if my child became seriously ill because of the dogs, I would have to find another home for them, not because my child wants me to, but because I want my child to be healthy. Comparing a "could be" wife to your own flesh and blood just doesn't make sense.

 

[phragmipedium]

The dog's part of the package and has been since the start. GF knew this and also knew she was allergic. She needs to be willing to try some allergy therapies to see if they may help. It is unreasonable to ask BF to get rid of his beloved pet, and if this is a big issue, it's probably not meant to be. In the future both should look for potential partners who are more compatible - non-pet people for her, and non-allergic people for him.

If I were just getting to know someone, hating pets or being unable to have them would probably be a deal-breaker for me...pets are part of my family and I wouldn't be prepared to make that kind of compromise, so I would avoid getting involved with someone if I might have to do so. I dearly hope none of my kids ever have pet allergies that are not responsive to any medications/therapies...in my experiences (especially in my family) all of our pet allergies have been responsive to medications. It would be a bridge I would cross when I came to it and would probably involve having to rehome the pet with a family member if it was absolutely necessary - that's something I would have to work through for a child with a life-threatening allergy, but not for a BF who demanded I "get rid of" my pets when they knew what they were getting into.

 

[momx2]

That's a silly question. It's like apples and oranges. Like another poster said, if the woman was that allergic, she would have had a problem even being near this guy. I do think it's an issue of control.

I didn't have a problem being around my DH and I was that allergic. My allergies became worse as the exposure to the allergen was greater. At first nothing, then engaged started getting worse. By the time we were married I was sick constantly and had full blown asthma a year later. So maybe she didn't know she was that allergic. I didn't know until after we were married. Should my DH have divorced me in favor of the cats???

 

[Piecey]

ITA, but what I really wanted to say is that the pic of your baby is SO CUTE!!! My little boy is named Lucas, too, but he is going to be 10 tomorrow-an adult in Disney's eyes!

ETA: OMG, I just read it-you are pregnant again! Congratulations!

Thank you so much! For both comments!

 

[sparklynails23]

Dr. Laura got rid of a dog once because someone in her house ended up being allergic to it. They hadn't had it long. True story.

I say the dog stays. Girlfriend must wait to be married or move in. Ten year old dog might only live another year or two-- or seven.

 

[DawnCt1]

Dr. Laura got rid of a dog once because someone in her house ended up being allergic to it. They hadn't had it long. True story.

I say the dog stays. Girlfriend must wait to be married or move in. Ten year old dog might only live another year or two-- or seven.

I think the "someone in her house" was her child.

 

[olena]

Another severe allergy sufferer here and shots barely mute my symptoms, as do OTC meds. I doubt I would date such an animal lover for this very reason. There is no way I could live with an animal in my house. Even with meds, my chest tightens in a home with pets and my eyes water. I just couldn't live that way....since shots or meds just limit and do not prevent my misery. It just wouldn't work out.

In this case, there's really no good answer that's a win-win for everyone.

 

[VillageMama]

When my dad and step-mother began dating, she had cats and he was allergic. Dad and "Susan" knew that they had found someone special and so the cats went to a new home.

Thirty years later, Dad and "Susan" are still blissfully married. Those dear cats have long since passed. I'm glad that "Susan" didn't choose the cats over my dad.

 

[disykat]

Should my DH have divorced me in favor of the cats???

I think most people here would say yes, because the cats came first. (You obviously misled him, you witch!)

I'm not sure how this became all this woman's fault. It could just have easily been that he convinced her to continue dating him insisting that the dog wouldn't ever be an issue. Now he wants her to live with a dog, something she can't do because of her health. Maybe she just wasted the best years of her life on someone who doesn't really care about her. We don't know - so I'm not sure why people are calling this woman names.

There are obviously a lot of people on this thread that think having allergies means taking an occasional OTC med and having the symptoms magically disappear. Oh to be so lucky!

 

[Bluestars]

If a person has allergies so severe that they can never live in a house with pets, that person should make it clear when she starts dating someone with pets. As long as the pet owner knows from the beginning that he will have to give up his pet in order to have a relationship with the other person, then I see nothing wrong with it.

But if the person with the allergies acts like being around the pet is no big deal and then right before marriage tells the pet owner that it will be her or the pet, then I think the guy should choose the pet.

It sounds like this guy didn't know from the beginning that he would be asked to give up his dog. If he already knew, then there would be no choice to make here.

 

[Scurvy]

I didn't have a problem being around my DH and I was that allergic. My allergies became worse as the exposure to the allergen was greater. At first nothing, then engaged started getting worse. By the time we were married I was sick constantly and had full blown asthma a year later. So maybe she didn't know she was that allergic. I didn't know until after we were married. Should my DH have divorced me in favor of the cats???

It's still different, though. These people aren't married, and she already knows her allergies will prevent her from living with the dog. They don't have to get married yet. They can easily continue their relationship as it is now, if they choose to. The dog is 10 years old, and even if it lives a very very long life for a dog, it is unlikely that it will still be around 5 years from now. An older dog like that would be very difficult to rehome, and I'm sure it would be extremely difficult emotionally for both the dog and the man if he had to rehome the dog.

And honestly, while I believe that there are people with severe allergies as have been described on this thread, that isn't the norm. My brother in law is allergic to cats but with the proper medications (ETA - and vigilant housekeeping to deal with the fur) he is able to live with two of them. It is possible that the woman could live with the dog if she chose to try. It is also possible that she couldn't, and that's why they absolutely should not get married right now.

If I loved someone but was allergic to his elderly pet, there is no way on earth that I would ask him to give the pet up. I would view it as part of his family, and if I couldn't find a compromise that would allow us to live together with the pet then I would continue the relationship and continue to live separately from him until the pet passed away.

The fact that she would even suggest that he get rid of the dog tells me that she isn't an animal lover. And if he is and she isn't, then they might not be a great match even if she could find a way to live with the dog.

 

[Ember]

DH once suggested I get rid of my cat. It didn't go well. After that he didn't suggest it again.

I have a new furbaby now, but my last cat was with me for 17 years. I loved her more than was reasonable. She wasn't "just a cat." She was part of my heart. (I'm sure given a few years my new furbaby will be loved with the same passion.) There would never have been a question of getting rid of her. It's a good thing DH didn't have allergies!

I'm not sure what I would do if I had a child that was allergic... Guess that's just another reason to remain child free!

 

[Imzadi]

DH once suggested I get rid of my cat. It didn't go well. After that he didn't suggest it again.

I have a new furbaby now, but my last cat was with me for 17 years. I loved her more than was reasonable. She wasn't "just a cat." She was part of my heart. (I'm sure given a few years my new furbaby will be loved with the same passion.) There would never have been a question of getting rid of her. It's a good thing DH didn't have allergies!

I'm not sure what I would do if I had a child that was allergic... Guess that's just another reason to remain child free!

I love the picture of your cat in your siggie. She looks very similar to my cat from the side.

 

[nephthys43]

not everyone who thinks the woman is a control freak doesn't have allergies or asthma. i am allergic to peanuts, perfumes, household cleaners, cats, some dog breeds, cigarette smoke and on and on and on... i spent over six years getting allergy shots and i still have asthma & allergy attacks due to my allergies.

i would never get involved with someone who smoked or had cats. i know my limits. it seems to me that either, she must not spend much time with him or the dog if she didn't realize she was allergic or she isn't an animal person and is using it as an excuse to get rid of the dog. now, i agree, sometimes allergies pop up after being exposed, but i wonder if she has tried anything at all.

 

[VillageMama]

...then I think the guy should choose the pet.

I think we need to take into consideration how difficult it is to find that special someone with whom you want to spend the rest of your life. It might be a mistake to cast off Miss Right for a pet.

Before I'm accused of being an animal hater, I'm not. I've always had pets that I love. But animals and people are not the same. They do not enjoy the same hierarchy in my life. People will always come before animals with me.

... I loved her more than was reasonable... Guess that's just another reason to remain child-free

Wow. That is a sentiment that I can not relate to at all. Cats over children.

 

[momx2]

I think we need to take into consideration how difficult it is to find that special someone with whom you want to spend the rest of your life. It might be a mistake to cast off Miss Right for a pet.

Before I'm accused of being an animal hater, I'm not. I've always had pets that I love. But animals and people are not the same. They do not enjoy the same hierarchy in my life. People will always come before animals with me.

Wow. That is a sentiment that I can not relate to at all. Cats over children.

Great post and ITA!

 

[disney1990]

A woman called Dr. Laura last night. She said that she is engaged to a man with a ten year old dog whom he absolutely adores. He has had the dog since he was a puppy. She is highly allergic to dogs and wants him to get rid of the dog since they can't get married/live together if the dog is part of the picture. WWYD? If I were him and my dog was important to me, I probably wouldn't start a relationship with someone who was so allergic to my dog, but that is water under the bridge I guess. Should she expect him to get rid of his "best friend" of 10 years? Should she consider allergy shots? WWYD? Seems like the guy is in between a rock and a hard place. Dr. Laura thinks she deserves better btw.

If I were dating somebody, I would be sure to know whether they were allergic to dogs or cats. As far as I am concerned, when he got the dog, he made a commitment to that animal to take care of it. I don't think that getting rid of it is an option.

 

[Imzadi]

I think we need to take into consideration how difficult it is to find that special someone with whom you want to spend the rest of your life.

Thats called a scarcity mentality. Never make decisions based on scarcity & fear.

It might be a mistake to cast off Miss Right for a pet.

She can hardly be Miss Right if she's allergic to his dog.