...........

[C.Ann]

............

 

[BavarianPrincess]

I think you are doing the right thing. It was very nice of you to send the card.

 

[akhenaten]

I have a SisIL that is like that also..and is currently not speaking to us.... I can relate to your feelings .....

Your Son in Law probably just values family and thinks things should be different....but I know from my experience that you sometimes just have to back away....

If I were you I would not go.....I think even sending the card was a big gesture givin the circumstances...

 

[Tinks]

If I were you I would go. Your story went on and on and on....it just reinforces to me how people can't let it go. This is an example of how families break apart and never speak to each other again. Please....I am NOT trying to make you feel bad. Truly. I really understand why you were upset. Just take this as advice from an outside source---let it all go. Be the better person and go to the wake. Act as if nothing has happened between all of you. You are family.

 

[C.Ann]

......

 

[minniecarousel]

As much as I believe in "healing rifts", I agree with you C.Ann - the new widow would probably appreciate not dealing with seeing you now. Perhaps she feels guilt for the way she treated you - and now is just not the time for that. You sent a card - that was a lovely gesture on your part.

 

[safetymom]

Be the better person and go. Just because they did something that wasn't right you don't need to do the same thing.

You will be glad that you did. Been there done that.

 

[mickeyfan2]

If I were you I would go.

 

[C.Ann]

.....

 

[Keli]

I would go if I were you. And I wouldn't do it for my sister in law or even for my brother in law.

I'd do it for my son in law because for whatever reason it means something to him and I would not deny him his request. You said yourself it is not in his character to get involved, therefore something is up, at least in his heart or mind to motivate him to ask you.

 

[barkley]

is it possible that you daughter may have put him up to calling you? i'm sure she knows how hurt you were over "their" behaviour when your dh passed (and i'm sure it hurt her as well)-was she at all close to this woman, and perhaps feels she needs support at the service?

 

[C.Ann]

................

 

[Tinks]

Perhaps he feels that way because even though it isn't your family ---it's your DH's family-- it still is your DD's and your DSIL's family. Maybe your relationship with these people is no longer imprtant to you, but that relationship is important to your daughter.

To me it wouldn't even be a question of why he wanted you to go.

Hope that helps.

 

[C.Ann]

...............

 

[hercamore]

Hard decision.

I think your idea of discussing this again with your son-inlaw tonight is a good idea. Find out the reason why he asked you to go to wake.

herc.

 

[Disney Doll]

If I were you I would go. Your story went on and on and on....it just reinforces to me how people can't let it go. This is an example of how families break apart and never speak to each other again. Please....I am NOT trying to make you feel bad. Truly. I really understand why you were upset. Just take this as advice from an outside source---let it all go. Be the better person and go to the wake. Act as if nothing has happened between all of you. You are family.

You know, I have never understood why we have to tolerate getting screwed by someone because they are family.

C.Ann's SIL didn't consider the "they are family" aspect when she chose to not go see her dying brother. She did not consider the family aspect when she chose not to directly express her sympathies to C.Ann, she did not consider the family aspect when she chose to disinvite C.Ann's children from the "family" wedding.

Sounds to me like this woman doesn't want to be "family".

About the only thing I'd be interested in learning is why this seems to be so important to your son-in-law. As far as sending a sympathy card vs. going...I think you were nice to send a sympathy card.

 

[Tinks]

It sounds to me like neither of them want to be family.

I feel sorry for the DD and DSIL in the middle. I know from experience what that is like.

I'm done dispensing advice on this topic for now. It really struck a nerve today. Sorry. There a three sides to every story..... Sometimes you have to learn it isn't all about "you" and what your perceptions of the situation are.....and/or learn to be gracious and kind, even if you are always correct. A little kindness goes a long way.

 

[C.Ann]

..............

 

[stitch79]

One of things I've tried to learn this year is that I am not responsible for other people actions or attitudes. Members of my family are very hard to take, so I have as little contact as possible with them. I don't have to open myself to their negativity, so I don't invite it on myself anymore. (I hope that makes sense.)

I've tried my entire life with these relatives and they are not going to change now. I would rather devote my time to my immediate family and those loving relationships.

C.Ann, it sounds like you have tried more than enough with these relatives and I agree with you not going. Why put yourself through that? Sending the card was more than generous in the circumstances.

 

[disykat]

I'm with you, C.Ann. A funeral is not the right place to invite yourself to to try to mend fences! They sent a clear signal when they didn't invite you to family things - it is not your place to show up at the wake. I think it was lovely of you to send a card. If you want to, you can try to mend fences at another time.

I've actually thought about this topic myself. My Dad is better now, but when I thought he might be dying I wondered about how I would feel if my inlaws showed up at his funeral. Frankly, I would be furious if they dared.

You are doing the right thing. This funeral is not about you. Letting them grieve in peace is the kindest thing - not forcing them to deal with other relationship issues at a time when they've got enough on their plate.