8 Million consider it, 32,000 a year do it - commit suicide.

[teacups]

Sever depression is something that I deal with almost on a daily basis. I have seriously considered suicide more time that I care to count in the last year. There are times that I feel like I can barely make it from one hour to the next and not really sure I even want to. Like another poster said, if it werent for my kids I wouldnt even bother to try. I have begged people practically for help and the reaction I get from family and friends are mostly disbelief. My mom (who only had a 5th grade education) doesnt believe in depression just circumstances, my dad and husband just simply doesnt want to deal with it at all. Ya know, pretend it isnt happening and all that. My mom tells me to not tell anybody because with thoughts like that they may take my kids away. I went to a theripist but I felt like I couldnt tell them the extent of my problem because I didnt want to run the risk of it hurting my kids. So other than what Im telling you all, Im totally 100% alone with my problem. It is slowly killing me. I function everyday on automatic, very little if any true enjoyment I feel, I do what im expected to and nothing else. Day by day, but they're days I set down and I hear that little voice that tells me to go ahead and do it, my kids will have people to take care of them probably better than what Im doing anyway, Im just being selfish staying here.........Theres the other voice that tells me that if I do it I will split hell wide open, not to mention how it will affect my kids. As little as 2 weeks ago I held a gun that my husband keeps on top of a cabinet and thought how quick it would be, the cold against my skin felt oddly comforting. But God and my kids always win the battle. I need help but I dont know what to do. Now you all know my dirty little secret, lucky for me, none of you know me.

First off, major hugs to you!
Sounds like maybe talking would help you, but I understand what you're saying about your kids/fully opening up.
Is there an online counselor/therapist you could hook up with? You could spill it all, and this person woudlnt know your true identity. I dont know if there is such a thing, but I cant imagine there isnt.
Your kids need you around.

 

[shy little mouse]

There is also a very serious stigma attached to people who have survived the suicide of someone close to them. I once read a bereavement book that stated it perfectly. "The grieving process of suicide survivors is often shrouded by stigma and silenced by shame."

Shannon, you are right, and I would not want to leave that sort of legacy for my precious daughters. I think the damage that I would do to them would be irreparable. Hence why I keep going on.

 

[shy little mouse]

I have dealt with severe depression for at least 10 years. Most of those were spent with long periods of suicidal thoughts and ideations. The only thing that kept me from actually going through with it was my family. I've seen first hand what suicide does to a family, as my aunt hung herself when I was 5. I found her body. I've been in a psych ward 3 times, two of the times were within the same month. I was in a severely abusive relationship and couldn't figure out a better way to get out. I've been in and out of therapy virtually my whole life. The past year has been the best for me, better than any I remember. I'm off my meds, I haven't cut myself in over a year, and my depression is manageable with exercise and some very basic talk therapy. It's amazing. I still have occasional thoughts but I know how to better deal with them. Many hugs to people suffering.. I know how hard it can get.

I am glad to hear that you are doing so well! Thanks for sharing your story, and I hope it continues to be smooth sailing. Stories like this give those of us who suffer from depression hope.

 

[shy little mouse]

Sever depression is something that I deal with almost on a daily basis. I have seriously considered suicide more time that I care to count in the last year. There are times that I feel like I can barely make it from one hour to the next and not really sure I even want to. Like another poster said, if it werent for my kids I wouldnt even bother to try. I have begged people practically for help and the reaction I get from family and friends are mostly disbelief. My mom (who only had a 5th grade education) doesnt believe in depression just circumstances, my dad and husband just simply doesnt want to deal with it at all. Ya know, pretend it isnt happening and all that. My mom tells me to not tell anybody because with thoughts like that they may take my kids away. I went to a theripist but I felt like I couldnt tell them the extent of my problem because I didnt want to run the risk of it hurting my kids. So other than what Im telling you all, Im totally 100% alone with my problem. It is slowly killing me. I function everyday on automatic, very little if any true enjoyment I feel, I do what im expected to and nothing else. Day by day, but they're days I set down and I hear that little voice that tells me to go ahead and do it, my kids will have people to take care of them probably better than what Im doing anyway, Im just being selfish staying here.........Theres the other voice that tells me that if I do it I will split hell wide open, not to mention how it will affect my kids. As little as 2 weeks ago I held a gun that my husband keeps on top of a cabinet and thought how quick it would be, the cold against my skin felt oddly comforting. But God and my kids always win the battle. I need help but I dont know what to do. Now you all know my dirty little secret, lucky for me, none of you know me.

I know what you are going through, the loneliness and the pain. It is so much easier to share these thoughts on the internet where nobody knows you. You can pm me anytime you want to talk.

I have had those thoughts before that my kids would be better off without me. However, I KNOW that isn't true. And as for your mother saying that someone would take away your kids if you confessed to a therapist that you wanted to die, that is NOT true. At one point, I removed the guns from our house. Maybe you should talk to your husband about locking them up. You could always say that it made you uncomfortable to have them around your kids, as it doesn't sound like he is very aware or supportive of you emotionally. Please do something for yourself today!

 

[MouseketeerOvaHere]

How eerie is this, I just finished watching the movie The Bridge and see a thread on the DIS about suicide! Gotta say, it's one of those films that your kinda ashamed to be watching but it draws you into the people's lives as you try to understand what would bring them to the brink of suicide. Disturbing and fascinating at the same time. Anyone here seen this documentary?

As far as topic, the thought of what the world would be like without me has crossed my mind but I have never seriously considered it. I love my family and friends too much to put them through something like that.

 

[2binak]

This thread hits home, not because I've ever contemplated suicide, but because a co-worker committed suicide last week. He and I were talking the day before, so when I heard the news, I was in shock and still am I think. He was married and had young kids. I can't imagine the hell he was going through that led him to that decision.

I should add that we were talking about everyday things and there was no indication that anything was wrong or that he was planning to do what he did. I still keep going back to that last conversation trying to recall if there was anything different about him or anything that should have tipped me off, but there wasn't.

Thanks for the hug NY Disney fan. I send out hugs to everyone who has somehow been affected by this topic, whether based on their own thoughts and actions or by those of others they know and care about.

 

[NY Disney fan]

I considered it (but lightly). After my husband abandoned me (after I gave birth to our first/only child) I had thoughts of death. He went to go live with another woman and her kids. But my love for my daughter was stronger than my desire to end it all. Thankfully I am waaay past this stage (thanks to God's help) and am rid of my exH.

 

[NY Disney fan]

(((2binak)))

 

[alizesmom]

You actually need another category: tried but failed. That would include me. Chronic depression sucks for sure. I am good right now but know that if I go off my meds or stop therapy then I will fall into that dark pit again.

 

[N.Bailey]

Sever depression is something that I deal with almost on a daily basis. I have seriously considered suicide more time that I care to count in the last year. There are times that I feel like I can barely make it from one hour to the next and not really sure I even want to. Like another poster said, if it werent for my kids I wouldnt even bother to try. I have begged people practically for help and the reaction I get from family and friends are mostly disbelief. My mom (who only had a 5th grade education) doesnt believe in depression just circumstances, my dad and husband just simply doesnt want to deal with it at all. Ya know, pretend it isnt happening and all that. My mom tells me to not tell anybody because with thoughts like that they may take my kids away. I went to a theripist but I felt like I couldnt tell them the extent of my problem because I didnt want to run the risk of it hurting my kids. So other than what Im telling you all, Im totally 100% alone with my problem. It is slowly killing me. I function everyday on automatic, very little if any true enjoyment I feel, I do what im expected to and nothing else. Day by day, but they're days I set down and I hear that little voice that tells me to go ahead and do it, my kids will have people to take care of them probably better than what Im doing anyway, Im just being selfish staying here.........Theres the other voice that tells me that if I do it I will split hell wide open, not to mention how it will affect my kids. As little as 2 weeks ago I held a gun that my husband keeps on top of a cabinet and thought how quick it would be, the cold against my skin felt oddly comforting. But God and my kids always win the battle. I need help but I dont know what to do. Now you all know my dirty little secret, lucky for me, none of you know me.

Rusty Yates sounds a lot like your family members. All one needs is a good swift kick in the pants to overcome mental issues. After losing 5 children (and Andrea attempted suicide multiple times before killing those children), Rusty no longer believes the way he used to.

I hope for your own sake and the sake of your family's, that you get the help you need. No one should have to live the way you're living. Don't allow those around you to dictate their beliefs to you when they're not knowledgeable enough to determine how severe your depression really is. You truly have everything to gain and little to lose by seeking help.

If you don't know where to turn, call your local hospital for advice. They will point you in the right direction. They can even evaluate you to see where you stand right now.

 

[N.Bailey]

This thread hits home, not because I've ever contemplated suicide, but because a co-worker committed suicide last week. He and I were talking the day before, so when I heard the news, I was in shock and still am I think. He was married and had young kids. I can't imagine the hell he was going through that led him to that decision.

I should add that we were talking about everyday things and there was no indication that anything was wrong or that he was planning to do what he did. I still keep going back to that last conversation trying to recall if there was anything different about him or anything that should have tipped me off, but there wasn't.

Thanks for the hug NY Disney fan. I send out hugs to everyone who has somehow been affected by this topic, whether based on their own thoughts and actions or by those of others they know and care about.

There was a 16 year old girl who committed suicide last May or early June. Afterward, the school had counselors come in and speak with the students. This counselor told them that someone who is about to commit such an act is really in a great mood right before they put their plan into motion because they've resolved all the conflicts in their own mind.

Knowing that, I'm not shocked that there were no warning signs that you could have picked up on. At least not right before your coworker killed himself.

 

[2binak]

There was a 16 year old girl who committed suicide last May or early June. Afterward, the school had counselors come in and speak with the students. This counselor told them that someone who is about to commit such an act is really in a great mood right before they put their plan into motion because they've resolved all the conflicts in their own mind.

Knowing that, I'm not shocked that there were no warning signs that you could have picked up on. At least not right before your coworker killed himself.

I've heard the same thing. Unfortunately, this isn't my first experience with someone I know committing suicide. I wouldn't say he was in a great mood, but he was just himself and there was nothing out of the ordinary. I'm sure he was at peace with his decision at that point. He even made sure to come back to my office later that afternoon to make sure I had what I needed from our earlier conversation.

 

[N.Bailey]

I am upset and bitter right now. Not at people killing themselves, but life in general. I do think suicide is for the weak. Sorry, if that gets me banned so be it. I was under the impression we could express our opinion and that is mine. I do have experience with suicide, and don't want to elaborate on it.

I don't think you'll get banned for posting your opinion, but I think you're dead wrong. I can see how suicide is perceived to be selfish by some because it seems that the person committing the act isn't thinking about how their actions might affect those around them. This probably is true, but is it really their fault? If someone is so troubled and conflicted with life, they're probably not seeing things the way someone who is perfectly sane would see them.

Mental illness is as real as cancer, heart disease, diabetes, etc... yet, it comes with a stigma that none of the above come with. If you hear your loved one has cancer, you're there, by their side, backing them to the end. Yet, when someone is diagnosed with mental illness, in many cases, loved ones don't respond in the way they would if we're talking about cancer. So, many of them have to fight the battle alone.

Then, we as a society say they're weak when they feel so isolated and alone that they act on their impulses. Until we as a society recognize that their diagnosis is as real as other illnesses, things likely won't change.

 

[N.Bailey]

I've heard the same thing. Unfortunately, this isn't my first experience with someone I know committing suicide. I wouldn't say he was in a great mood, but he was just himself and there was nothing out of the ordinary. I'm sure he was at peace with his decision at that point. He even made sure to come back to my office later that afternoon to make sure I had what I needed from our earlier conversation.

It makes me so sad for anyone to think taking their own life is their best or only option.

 

[DisneyMom81]

Just recently, a friend of mine from highschool wrote out a suicide note on his facebook account as I and other's of his friends were watching. His mom was on, too. Luckily, he didn't go through with it, as I think his public posting of it was more of a cry for help. It is strange knowing he has this serious depression when I think of him being the boy all the girls adored in school and probably the most popular boy in our grade.

A guy I went to HS with (over 10 years ago) just killed himself last month. He was popular, athletic, good looking..... He had a fight with his girlfriend, went home, and killed himself. I don't know the details, but I just couldn't believe it. You never know.

 

[java]

I checked more than 10 years ago. And it was in the frame of mind of a child.

I was miserable. I wanted to disappear. When I saw Forest Gump and Jenny was a child saying "Dear God please make me a bird so I can fly fly away"
hit home to me. I prayed similar prayers as a child. Did I ever try to ? No.

I know 2 people that commited suicide. One a teen. A friends brother. When we were younger.

The other, a friends mother. I didn't know her. I met my friend as an adult. He was the one that had found her dead in the home. Him telling me that story. And I have thought of that story through the years when I am feeling down(not suicidal just sad) and it snaps me back.

I believe that the people that end up commiting suicide don't have that thought of the other people left behind. They only want to end their pain. They see themselves as useless in this life. It really breaks my heart.