6 Days Before Our Trip, DH Just Left Me

[Robinrs]

Just wanted to add how sorry I am this happened to your family.

I have been in the situation and I know how hard it is to get it all together but I do admire your devotion to your kids.

I think some of the posts here are right on about the situation and the sooner you get the legal wheels going the better. Someone is pulling HIS strings (we as women KNOW women) and he's doing what HE is being told to do.

BTW, I moved from NY to GA myself, welcome to the South. I live in Doraville and have a 13yo. If you want to have lunch and whine, let me know! I've dealt with A LOT of this, my shoulder is always available.

And hey, we've done the drive down to Florida up to 3 times a year, it's not that bad.

Give those kids a hug for me. They deserve this vacation. I took mine 3 weeks after losing his Granddaddy and the peace was unbelievable. It's a way to escape reality, even for a minute.

God bless,

Robinrs

 

[Buckalew11]

You have yourself and 3 children to think of and worry about supporting...a total of 4 people. I would take 4/5 of the money out of your accounts. Leave him 1/5. That seems fair. At the moment, he is thinking about himself, so leave him enough money to take care of only himself.

I would call an attorney first thing Monday morning. See what your options are as far as the house, changing the locks etc. Maybe you would be legally protected if you changed the locks, even if his name is on the deed too based on the situation, and you taking the kids on an already-planned vacation. Having someone stay at the house to "guard" it isn't going to do any good. It's his house. If he can get in, he will. That's why the advice of an attorney is needed, to see what loophole changing the locks will fall in to, in order to protect your things. I'd also check into freezing whatever other assets you may hold jointly so that he can't clean them out...I mean things such as CDs, retirement savings, 401Ks. I'd also check with the lawyer about jointly held credit cards...perhaps there is a way to notify the credit card compnay that as of such-and-such a date, you are separated and is there a way to note that so that charges made by him after that date are not your reponsibility. If not, ask if there's a way you can pay it off and cancel it, and if there is, then do so. Get a credit card in your name (or maybe your and your Dad's name) only so you start to build a credit score of oyur own, that is not attached to his.

As far as hiring a PI...what for? I hate to be blunt, but it sounds like he is no longer invested in the marriage. Do you need a PI to tell you what you pretty much already know? He may say there is not someone else...when a 40 year old man leaves his wife and 3 children in an instant, there is someone else. Unless an attorney advises you that if you have proof that he was cheating that it could benefit you later, then it's money I wouldn't spend right now. I'd take the vacation...you and the kids need it. If you don't want to spend a lot of time with his side of the family, tell them why. A simple "I am sure that you understand, based on our current circumstances, why I'd prefer not to see you guys while we are here" will suffice. You haven't done anything wrong, so don't act like you did.

Watch the "I'll do anything to keep the marriage together" stuff. Tell him that you are more than willing to work to see if you two can save this marriage, but everything has its limits. Then decide your limits, and stick to them. Let's not have this guy thinking he's Joe Stud, with a babe on the side and a wife who's willing to tolerate the crap.

Counselling...get it for you and the kids, even when he tells you he doesn't want or need to go. It will be helpful.

Make him take responsibility for his behavior. If the kids ask you questions, make them ask him. Make him look at his 3 children and explain to them why he is uprooting and upheaving their entire existence. I wouldn't speak badly about him, but I wouldn't give him a pass either. If they ask "Why did Daddy do this?" say "I don't know. You'll have to ask him when you talk to him. But remember that Mommy loves you very much and isn't going anywhere". They will need the reassurance that one of their parents is stable and in the picture...it looks like it is going to have to be you.

I wish you well. Your next few months will be difficult, but empowering in many ways. Stay strong for yourself and your children, provide a positive role model for them, and as much stability as you can offer them during this unstable period.

Great Post.

Hugs to you, OP. I haven't read every post but I have read quite a few. You have good advice here and can get even better adice from a lawyer--using the advice and your strength, I think you'll make it through this.

If your H doesn't want you and his family, then you don't need him nor should you want him. How does a man just decide this and walk away??! I hope you take him to the cleaners.

Have a safe trip to Disney if you go. I hope you can find it in your heart to have fun (esp. for those kids). I think it'd be hard even if you are going to the happiest place on earth. But if you go, then you need to be able to make a happy memory for the kids. (I have a 12yo also. She'd be devasted too if her dad just walked away.) How old are your other children?

I am so sorry you are facing this. If there is someone else...let her have him.Any man that can so easily walk away from his wife and family isn't worth trying to keep. (maybe I am a little too mad right now...)

 

[mcnuss]

Forgive me for taking a contrarian view, but I think a lot of you are jumping to very extreme conclusions that will serve no purpose but to upset the OP further. Talking about some other woman is her bed is just inflammatory.

Dear OP, this is a terrible time for you, but it's also NOT a time to make hasty, rash decisions. The worst decisions are those made in the heat of the moment. You've been dealt a terrible hand, your DH has behaved like a jerk and he deserves 200 lashes. But please do not assume the worst of him - yet. He could be clinically depressed or some other psychological problem. There are many things that can be going wrong for him that don't necessarily include another woman. Depressed people do very dramatic things and don't see them as "abnormal". Try to think if his behavior has been off lately - has he been particularly tired, less motivated, more internally focused? Has he remained the same around the kids but not you? A lot of people suffering from depression can hold it together just so long before they snap. This may have been his break.

He has handled himself horribly, cowardly and callously. The worst of it is that he spoke to your children before he spoke to you. He should not have told them, and to be honest, you have to keep them out of it right now, too. You should only tell them that you and their Dad are going through a hard time, you're not sure how it's going to turn out, but that both of you love them and will do everything in your power to make sure that their lives are not affected. They really do not need to know much, and since you don't know much, you won't be lying when you tell them that.

In the meantime, go ahead and call a lawyer if you know one; if you don't know one, ask around. Someone you know will have needed one in the past. Referrals are your best source. Don't do anything with the locks or the money or anything else until you do that. If you really believe he'd go into the house and wipe you out, then you may need some kind of restraining order. But the most important call you should make is to a good therapist - for yourself. Eventually, if this progresses, your kids will need one too, but for now, just take care of yourself. Find someone neutral to vent at. It will make you feel better.

I might also suggest that you not chase him down. Give him a little time and space. Perhaps he will see that he needs help, but if you are alternately angry, sad, conciliatory, etc... you may only push him further away. Unfortunately, we can't control other people's behavior nor emotions. We can only control our response to them...

Good luck to you. I hope this is just a passing, albeit terrible, phase for you and your family. My thoughts are with you.

 

[Randi]

I think I can relate to how you feel right now. My ex did the same thing 27 yrs ago. We had had what I thought were the usual run of the mill difficulties, but then things starting leveling off after 14 yrs of marriage and I foolishly thought it was going to be OK. Then he ups & announces that he was unhappy and walked out. And in our case, there was no other woman.

But my point is, that you do need to speak to a lawyer. Not necessarily to begin divorce proceedings but to set up a separation agreement which will specify who lives in the home, financial agreements, custody arrangements, etc. We used the same lawyer for this. But then he could not represent either of us in the divorce which we did get over a year later. That year however gave us both some breathing room and a chance to examine our options and to grow a little, even though we decided not to reconcile.

Please take care of yourself, you are not responsible for his leaving. We woman tend to blame ourselves, but you are a worthwhile and good person and mother, and it's his problem if he doesn't know what he is losing.

 

[Patio]

I am so very sorry that you're going through all this. Stay strong!

 

[Jungle Skipper]

oh you poor thing....thoughts, prayers and pixie dust headed in your direction!

Best Wishes!

JJ

 

[DVCCarrie]

Just want to tell you I know exactly how you feel as my ex came home from a weekend away (supposedly with his dad) and told me he was not happy. The emotions I felt were unbelievable. I did not see this coming. I made a promise to myself that I would not give up and if it didnt work out then I knew I had fought to the bitter end. I made a fool of myself, I called him all the time, wrote him letters, made a tape of all these mushy songs, wrote about 10 pages of "our memories"and gave it to him and basically begged and pleaded for one more chance. He strung me along and then served me with papers. It never worked out, he moved on and in retrospect, he left the marriage long before that night he left.
Please know I am not telling you my story to make you feel worse but to let you know that you are not alone. I know exactly how alone I felt. I was throwing up and stomach sick for weeks. I had constant anxiety and ate nothing for weeks I dropped 50 pounds rapidly and literally made myself sick. Please remeber to take care of yourself.

Three more things-
if you really want to know if there is another woman, go back through the cell phone bills and credit cards, that is how I got the truth when he repeatedly denied there was someone else. You don't need a PI, they leave evidence and think you wont find it.

Don't beg him to stay, believe me it doesn't work. I regret making such a fool of myself when I thought I was fighting for something that was not worth saving.

About Disney- the first time I went back was very difficult for me as that was "our place." I cried during the fireworks and was upset whenever I saw families together. However, the 2nd time back I decided to make Disney my own and went by myself!!! It was such a confidence booster and it truly gave Disney back to me as my own special vacation place.
You will get through this and you will be sooo much stronger. Know that we are all rooting for you and your children. I know exactly how you feel and it is true that time will make it easier.

 

[poohandwendy]

But please do not assume the worst of him - yet. He could be clinically depressed or some other psychological problem. There are many things that can be going wrong for him that don't necessarily include another woman. Depressed people do very dramatic things and don't see them as "abnormal". Try to think if his behavior has been off lately - has he been particularly tired, less motivated, more internally focused? Has he remained the same around the kids but not you? A lot of people suffering from depression can hold it together just so long before they snap. This may have been his break.

You are absolutely right, there could be another reason besides another woman. The only reason I think depression is unlikely is because the OP has not said he has been displaying the behavior of a clinically depressed person.

It sounds like he has been a normally functioning person up until now, that is not typical of clinical depression.

I think the OP needs to find the cause, for sure. But I think it would be very, very naive for her to ignore the possibility of another woman, regardless of his denying it. It happens far too often to deny the possibility. Especially since he just up and left with no warning. That is VERY typical of an affair scenario, unfortunately.

I think people are just going with the odds here. I don't know anyone who hasn't known someone who faced this, and 9 times out of 10 there is another woman. Depression has never been the problem. If anything, it's usually the other way around. The depressed person ends up being left because they will not seek help, have no motivation and the spouse can't handle it anymore.

 

[N.Bailey]

You are absolutely right, there could be another reason besides another woman. The only reason I think depression is unlikely is because the OP has not said he has been displaying the behavior of a clinically depressed person.

It sounds like he has been a normally functioning person up until now, that is not typical of clinical depression.

I think the OP needs to find the cause, for sure. But I think it would be very, very naive for her to ignore the possibility of another woman, regardless of his denying it. It happens far too often to deny the possibility. Especially since he just up and left with no warning. That is VERY typical of an affair scenario, unfortunately.

I think people are just going with the odds here. I don't know anyone who hasn't known someone who faced this, and 9 times out of 10 there is another woman. Depression has never been the problem. If anything, it's usually the other way around. The depressed person ends up being left because they will not seek help, have no motivation and the spouse can't handle it anymore.

I agree with you completely. We can't begin to know the dynamics of what's going on here from afar.

While I think that mcnuss gave some solid advice, I am troubled by the advice to not at least move that money. IMO, she could move it and not spend it if she chooses (to be split at a later time if need be), but to just leave it there for him do just take really bothers me. She'll be needing that money much more than he will and I'm just afraid that he'll end up taking it and leaving her with virtually nothing. I know no one wants to believe their spouse capable of doing something like that, but I'm just not so convinced he won't do just that. By moving it, you at least protect yourself to a certain degree.

If she moved it, she could tell him that she moved it out of fear the next time she spoke with him and explain to him that she has no intention of spending it. I just think there is so much to lose by not doing so.

I guess I'm just afraid for her.

 

[poohandwendy]

I agree with you completely. We can't begin to know the dynamics of what's going on here from afar.

While I think that mcnuss gave some solid advice, I am troubled by the advice to not at least move that money. IMO, she could move it and not spend it if she chooses (to be split at a later time if need be), but to just leave it there for him do just take really bothers me. She'll be needing that money much more than he will and I'm just afraid that he'll end up taking it and leaving her with virtually nothing. I know no one wants to believe their spouse capable of doing something like that, but I'm just not so convinced he won't do just that. By moving it, you at least protect yourself to a certain degree.

If she moved it, she could tell him that she moved it out of fear the next time she spoke with him and explain to him that she has no intention of spending it. I just think there is so much to lose by not doing so.

I guess I'm just afraid for her.

I am too. Bottom line, I would bet one of them is going to move it...it's almost inevitable. Either him when he gets worried that she will do it, or her when she realizes he isn't coming back and gets mad.

I do not think I would take all of it, but enough to give me cushion. I would be really concerned about whether or not he is going to continue to contribute to the bills...what about his paychecks? I mean, he could have another acct already set up. Actually, he probably would be stupid not to already have that taken care of.

Although, IIRC, she says there isn't much there. So maybe it really woudn't help much anyways. She did say that she has a separate acct with money she received as an inheritance. That is a good thing.


What bothers me the most is that she is a few steps behind him right now. He knows his plans, he knows why he left and he knows whether it is totally over or not. She is scrambling and that is a very precarious place to be. I hope her family and friends come through as good support systems for her and the kids.

 

[byoung]

Sorry for you.

 

[raammartin]

Hugs and pixie dust to you. I hope you and your kids have a wonderful and memorable trip to Disney! Disney does wonders for the soul.

 

[Kristi1357]

I've been in your shoes (but without children) and it's not a place I wish for anyone to be. I agree with many others posters, at least get some / majority of money out of your joint account and into a new account in your name only! My ex somehow got our bank to take my name off our joint account (which is illegal to do) after a couple months of separation. I was up the creek without a paddle, trying to pay my mortgage that month! Also, please see a lawyer asap Monday morning. Protect yourself financially in anyway you can. It stinks to think in these terms, but you really have to right now.

I do regret not hiring a PI. My mom really wanted to, but I said no at the time. Come to find out, I could not 'accuse' him of cheating unless I had pictures of the act (basically). Yes, we had no money or anything of any real value to fight over. But I would have LOVED to have adultery down as the cause of our divorce instead of irreconcilable differences. Just be sure you really, really want to know what is going on. Sometimes it's easier not to know. I have a friend who found out her ex was cheating on her all through her second pregancy, when the new baby was 5 weeks old. She had proof in cell phone records - he was calling girlfriend from the hospital when she was having their son! Anyway, she was able to get alimony from him with this proof - almost unheard of anymore. If there is someone else (and I'm not saying there is), a PI may be able to help with proof, therefore helping you financially down the road. Just a thought.

And please do go to Disney with your kids. They need it and so do you! It may not be the best trip ever - but maybe you guys can find some comfort in being away from home & all that is going on right now. I also think that if you do this 7 hour drive, it will empower you!

One thing I do regret is not going on a trip with my parents to the beach while fighting to keep our marriage together. Long story short: ex & I originally planned to go on beach trip with my family. A couple months before the trip, the poop hit the fan. We decided to go on a camping trip alone instead - to try to work on us. Day of trip, ex decides he's not going anywhere with me (I now think he never planned on going). So, I spend a week's vacation home alone crying. I considered just jumping in my car and driving the 12 hours to be with my family, but in the end I didn't do it. I so wish I had gone. It wouldn't have been the best week at the beach - but it would've done wonderful things for my self esteem at that time.

Lots of

 

[Kristi1357]

I would not only take most if not all of the money out of the account I would also change all the locks on the doors, especially if you are going to go to Disney (I would still take the kids on the trip, its not fair to them to change that). My neighbor didn't change her locks and she went upstate to visit her family and her husband that she had recently split up with came with a moving van and emptied the house out, he needed the furniture for HIS new place and left her with none!!! She never thought he would do something like that but we don't always know poeple how we think we know them!

Check with your attorney before you pay to have your locks changed. If there is no court order (or whatnot) in NH, he would have every right to break in - it's still half his house also. This is what I was told when I filed for divorce from my ex.

Then again, he may not know he could legally break in...

 

[DWDreams]

I seriously think there is someone else. I hate to say it, but his lack of emotional attachment to you suggests (IMO) that he is emotionally attached to someone else. I hope that isn't true, but I really think that is a huge possibility...based on his actions and attitude.

Again, I am so sorry you and your kids are going through this. I really am.

I agree. I think that with the upcoming family vacation, the other person may have felt a potential for loss of control and gave an ultimatum. You've receive some great advice here, especially about moving some of your monies and changing the locks right away. Protect your right to any assets. I admire your strength to continue this vacation for your kids and hope it provides some rest and fun before what will likely be a very trying time for you. I'm so sorry this is happening.

 

[jryno28]

I've been there, done that....prayers and pixie dust to you. It is not a good place to be. I am so sorry!


I can't shake the feeling, that HE is counting on you going on this trip, and knowing that you'll be gone from the home, to go in and do what he wants to do. I feel he has this already planned out.

Please read the excellent advice given here. Then go back and read it again!!

 

[auntpolly]

This just stinks and I'm really sorry -- take one day at a time and you'll get through it.

 

[Disney Hot Mama]

I am so sorry to hear what you have to deal with. I agree with most of the posts.

Go to Disney. Your kids need this trip as much as you do and if everything is paid for make it a special one for the 4 of you.

Bank accounts etc have been discussed. One other thing I can think of is your joint credit cards....... Maybe you need to cancel them and open a few in your name alone. In CA we are liable for our spouses debt if the account is joint. Your DH may just decide to charge items he now needs and you could be held liable for them. If you cancel the cards and get some in your name you may be protecting yourself.

Keep a positive attitude for your kids, enjoy your Disney trip and ((((HUGS)))))

 

[MorganLeFey]

Check with your attorney before you pay to have your locks changed. If there is no court order (or whatnot) in NH, he would have every right to break in - it's still half his house also. This is what I was told when I filed for divorce from my ex.

Then again, he may not know he could legally break in...

The night I moved out, I took the kids with me, and a handful of my personal posessions.

My ex emptied our joint checking and savings, leaving me with no money whatsoever -- a fact which he knew, because I foolishly cashed my paycheck a few days earlier and gave him the cash to deposit -- I didn't expect to leave him when I did. I had to borrow money until my next payday.

He told me that since I left the house, I wasn't "allowed" back and if I camre to get my things, he'd have me arrested for breaking and entering.

since my name was on the lease, and I had a key, I knew he had it wrong and was just trying to scare me. but, not wanting any drama, I stayed away.

when our lawyers divided the assets, I went back to the house to get my things. he'd destroyed or hidden my personal things...photos, my diary, stuff like that.

if I were the OP I'd be moving at least some of the money before her does, and I wouldn't be leaving town until there's an interim order or agrrement givng the OP sole occupancy of the house. much as the kids will be disappointed,Disney can wait...

 

[jpmandan]

If you can, please take your children to WDW! They will have so many questions, but they could use the distraction. Our thoughts and prayers go out to y'all.

We will be at POFQ the first week of June also. Hopefully we'll meet and have a long talk out by the pool (or somewhere). My boys are about your oldest son's age, and I'm a Kindergarten teacher that just navigated 20 five year olds through the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina! PM me if you'd like try and meet.