4th grade drama with DD

[Minnie824]

My daughter is 10 and in 4th grade. She's having issues with this one girl. They seem to have a love/hate relationship. So, here's the story...just wondering how you'd react, or any advice.

DD (Anna) is good friends with Betty and Carrie. The 3 hang out alot. Sometimes, Anna and Betty want to be alone without Carrie. They all play together or in a pair or in a big group. Shouldn't be a big deal. Carrie, although she's quiet, has a strong personality and doesn't want to have anyone else play with Anna sometimes. She seems clingy to me sometimes. I always tell Anna, play with everyone and don't exclude people.

Ok, so example of an issue from the summer (Carrie lives near us). Anna doesn't play alot with kids on our block, but was out with my other DD and Carrie came over. Some of the neighborhood kids were chasing the 3 of them, Carrie called the boys names and was being rude. We never had issues w/the other kids before.

Also, DD never gets in trouble at school. Believe me, she is not perfect, especially at home, but at school she is good. All 3 girls in one class this year. Carrie keeps talking to DD when they're not supposed to. DD is the one getting yelled at which really upset her as well. I told her to ignore Carrie if they're not supposed to be talking.

So, the other day, DD comes home and said her and Carrie got in a fight on the bus again. I guess due to recess or something insignificant. Anyway, the next day, DD sees a text on her phone. Carries mother texted my DD, saying how they should all get along, and she needs to be nice and include everyone, etc.

I was kindof annoyed. If her mother has an issue with my DD, she should contact me, don't you think? How would you react if another mother texted you DD? I mean, they're 10, they need to start working some things out on their own. I listen to DD and give her advice, but I don't think there was any need to get involved other than that. I can't imagine texting one of her friends and telling her how to behave.

At this point, I told her she needs to just stay clear of Carrie, since they seem to always have issues. Anyone have any other advice?

 

[Nolcrest]

All the parents need to stay out of 10 year old drama.

Honestly I don't know how I'd feel about a parent texting my 10 year old child 'cause my 10 year old wouldn't have a phone. So unnecessary I feel.

Teen years will be so much worse. Let it go.

 

[dmslush]

Yes, the parent's need to stay out of it and let the children work it out. I would call the other mother and tell her not to text your daughter again, but to contact you instead. All of this is part of learning and development... the kids need to figure out all of this and how to handle it. Your daughter needs to speak with the teacher privately and tell her that the other girl will not stop talking to her, but DD feels that she is getting the brunt of the punishment.

Also, I would be wary of a 10 year old having a phone because you don't really know who is texting her and saying what to her. Personally (and this is just my opinion), i wouldn't feel comfortable with a 10 year old having that much freedom (although I don't know your methods of monitoring, etc..)

 

[gator75]

I agree let it go. I honestly don't know what has happened it used to be 20-30 years ago kids fought parents stayed out of it and eventually they worked it out or they didn't. Now its always parents fighting their kids battles My son is 15 and i would never think of dealing with this kind of issue for him. How do we as a socity think that our kids will someday be able to settle a disagreement at the office if they've never had to deal with it.

 

[Magic Mom]

All the parents need to stay out of 10 year old drama.Honestly I don't know how I'd feel about a parent texting my 10 year old child 'cause my 10 year old wouldn't have a phone. So unnecessary I feel.

Teen years will be so much worse. Let it go.

This. I would nicely tell the other mom to call you before texting your DD again , especially at school.

And I know you say DD is always good at school, but chances are, if she is getting yelled, she is participating in the talking during class.

If you think this is bad, wait until middle school.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

My daughter is 10 and in 4th grade. She's having issues with this one girl. They seem to have a love/hate relationship. So, here's the story...just wondering how you'd react, or any advice.

DD (Anna) is good friends with Betty and Carrie. The 3 hang out alot. Sometimes, Anna and Betty want to be alone without Carrie. They all play together or in a pair or in a big group. Shouldn't be a big deal. Carrie, although she's quiet, has a strong personality and doesn't want to have anyone else play with Anna sometimes. She seems clingy to me sometimes. I always tell Anna, play with everyone and don't exclude people.

Ok, so example of an issue from the summer (Carrie lives near us). Anna doesn't play alot with kids on our block, but was out with my other DD and Carrie came over. Some of the neighborhood kids were chasing the 3 of them, Carrie called the boys names and was being rude. We never had issues w/the other kids before.

Also, DD never gets in trouble at school. Believe me, she is not perfect, especially at home, but at school she is good. All 3 girls in one class this year. Carrie keeps talking to DD when they're not supposed to. DD is the one getting yelled at which really upset her as well. I told her to ignore Carrie if they're not supposed to be talking.

So, the other day, DD comes home and said her and Carrie got in a fight on the bus again. I guess due to recess or something insignificant. Anyway, the next day, DD sees a text on her phone. Carries mother texted my DD, saying how they should all get along, and she needs to be nice and include everyone, etc.

I was kindof annoyed. If her mother has an issue with my DD, she should contact me, don't you think? How would you react if another mother texted you DD? I mean, they're 10, they need to start working some things out on their own. I listen to DD and give her advice, but I don't think there was any need to get involved other than that. I can't imagine texting one of her friends and telling her how to behave.

At this point, I told her she needs to just stay clear of Carrie, since they seem to always have issues. Anyone have any other advice?

1) I would stay out of it and
2) Stay out of it.

When your dd comes home with stuff like this, say...."how do you want to handle this". And then let her work it out.

 

[luvmy3]

I didn't even need to read past the part where you mentioned 3 girls. There's the problem. With an odd number, someone will always feel left out, neglected, not liked as much etc etc. As they get older, they will either all get closer, or they will be drawn to the friend that fits them. BTDT, it does get better when they get older

I would be talking to that mom, she has no business texting your dd, if has an issue she should be speaking to you. Having said that, I don't think either of you should be involved in the drama, but you need to talk to eachother and agree on that.

 

[stsomewhere]

My daughter is 10 (soon to be 11) . she is in 5th grade. This is the age were you start to get mean girls/ drama.

They can be friends one day and not the next and in a week they are BFF's again.

I would stay out of it. my daughter has a phone,too.I see nothing wrong with it.

I am no sure how I would feel about the other mom texting. It would depend on the relationship they have. I would call the other mom and tell her that the girls need to work it out themselves. Remind her that they are at a tough age.

Good Luck.

 

[smitch425]

I would say let your daughter work it out on her own, HOWEVER I would be pretty steamed if another child's parent was telling my daughter how to act. Who does that?!? You should definitely speak to the mother and let her know that while you appreciate her trying to help her own daughter, that it is NOT appropriate for her to contact your daughter, and that you would prefer her to contact you if she wants to discuss any issues. My DD is in the 3rd grade, and there is always drama--especially with recess and the bus. The funny part is, our stop is the last one to load in the morning and the first to be dropped off in the afternoon. I can literally see the school from our upstairs windows, yet somehow the kids come home and about 3 times a week one of them will say, "You won't believe what (name) did on the bus today..."

Good luck with your DD and the overstepping mother of her on again/off again friend.

 

[roliepolieoliefan]

I would not be happy if that mom texted my daughter but....

STAY OUT OF IT!!

Shoot I had a confrontation with my neighbor when my DD was 4. Yes, 4 , it started that early. Finally years later, our relationship is coming around and the girls never missed a beat.

I will never meddle ever again.

DS had a disagreement with his friend a few weeks ago. The mom of his friend is my BFF. My son told me about it. Some of the words exchanged were downright nasty. I told him, work it out.
Next time we all got together, the boys were cool to each other for a couple hours , then were laughing , and joined in on a game of capture the flag with the younger kids.

It all works out and if it doesn't your DD is probably better off.

 

[Coconut36]

All the parents need to stay out of 10 year old drama.

Honestly I don't know how I'd feel about a parent texting my 10 year old child 'cause my 10 year old wouldn't have a phone. So unnecessary I feel.

Teen years will be so much worse. Let it go.

I agree to stay out of it. I would NOT be happy with that Mom texting my child (and you are sure it wasn't Carrie acting as her Mom? Just saying as I had a friend that would have done something like that) but 10 year olds need to work it out themselves.

 

[luvmy3jewels]

I can completely relate, since I have a 11 year old that has been going through something similar as well. She's part of a large group of girls (and one boy) that have been friends since first grade. It seems like there is always some girl drama with one girl mad at another every day. They can be fighting one day and then bffs the next.

I try very hard to stay out of it, if at all possible. I do talk to dd, when I see that she is having issues with another girl, and encourage her to be nice to everyone and stay clear of the drama. But I also recognize that they are rapidly approaching puberty and hormones are beginning to develop which I'm sure helps fuel the drama between them all.

In answer to your question, the other mother should not have texted your dd. If she had concerns, she should have spoken with you about them first.

The teenage years ahead are going to be a long and rocky road!!

 

[agnes!]

I would think long and hard about maybe blocking that number... Might not do it if it would cause additional crap, but if someone at that number is texting your DD and telling her how to act....hmmmm. Maybe not have texting on your DD's phone? I would ignore this 'text' (and as someone upthread said maybe it wasn't actually the mother?...) and if it happens again or becomes a pattern, then I would say something very casually to this other parent.

And for the person who said it gets better? Sometimes it does (yay!) but, and I hate to say it this, sometimes it just doesn't. Sometimes people just have to grit their teeth and make up their minds that they are going to survive middle school/high school and when I say "survive" I mean exactly that.

agnes!

 

[Wishing on a star]

Yep, stay out of it....
I would tell my DD that she can't have it both ways.
Be the other girl's friend one day then, when it suits here, exclude her the next. Your daughter needs to learn about what friends are, who are really friends, and who aren't. THIS is the time.

If she does not want to be 'friends' with this girl, that his her right, and she would have my permission and blessing....
It seems clear that this girl, and now her mom, are like demanding that DD be her 'friend'. And, that doesn't fly with me, AT ALL.
I have seen my son in a situation with one kid that we really would have nothing to do with, and the mom was all "Can't we all get along".... Should we encourage them to be friends... type of attitude.
I said, "My son is not 5 years old, I am NOT arranging play-dates."

But the whole 'included one day, excluded the next'... Sometimes just wants to be friends with girl 'A', etc.... That would be something that I would address with my daughter.

About the cellphone, and an ADULT involving themselves with my DD, thru a personal text/call to the cellphone. Both of those are whole other issues!!!

I would handle that, on my end, with my DD, with no direct interaction with this girl, her mom, or anybody else.

 

[ccgirl]

My daughter is 10 and in 4th grade. She's having issues with this one girl. They seem to have a love/hate relationship. So, here's the story...just wondering how you'd react, or any advice.

DD (Anna) is good friends with Betty and Carrie. The 3 hang out alot. Sometimes, Anna and Betty want to be alone without Carrie. They all play together or in a pair or in a big group. Shouldn't be a big deal. Carrie, although she's quiet, has a strong personality and doesn't want to have anyone else play with Anna sometimes. She seems clingy to me sometimes. I always tell Anna, play with everyone and don't exclude people.

Ok, so example of an issue from the summer (Carrie lives near us). Anna doesn't play alot with kids on our block, but was out with my other DD and Carrie came over. Some of the neighborhood kids were chasing the 3 of them, Carrie called the boys names and was being rude. We never had issues w/the other kids before.

Also, DD never gets in trouble at school. Believe me, she is not perfect, especially at home, but at school she is good. All 3 girls in one class this year. Carrie keeps talking to DD when they're not supposed to. DD is the one getting yelled at which really upset her as well. I told her to ignore Carrie if they're not supposed to be talking.

So, the other day, DD comes home and said her and Carrie got in a fight on the bus again. I guess due to recess or something insignificant. Anyway, the next day, DD sees a text on her phone. Carries mother texted my DD, saying how they should all get along, and she needs to be nice and include everyone, etc.

I was kindof annoyed. If her mother has an issue with my DD, she should contact me, don't you think? How would you react if another mother texted you DD? I mean, they're 10, they need to start working some things out on their own. I listen to DD and give her advice, but I don't think there was any need to get involved other than that. I can't imagine texting one of her friends and telling her how to behave.

At this point, I told her she needs to just stay clear of Carrie, since they seem to always have issues. Anyone have any other advice?

I would contact the mother and tell her not to speak to my DD. If she has a problem, discuss it with me. I would let the girls work it out. Your DD would not be getting in trouble at school unless she was talking too so your advice to have her ignore the other girl is a good one.

My DD had a friend like this. Eventually, they stopped hanging out. The other mom tried to get involved and "discuss" things with my DD. I told her she could say all she wanted to her DD but mine was off limits. That I believed in giving my DD the skills to work things out on her own. Sadly, this other girl doesn't have any friends now and a lot of it has to do with the mom's constant interference.

All the parents need to stay out of 10 year old drama.Honestly I don't know how I'd feel about a parent texting my 10 year old child 'cause my 10 year old wouldn't have a phone. So unnecessary I feel.

Teen years will be so much worse. Let it go.

I am with the bolded parts.

 

[mom to minnie&mickey]

Yep, stay out of it....
I would tell my DD that she can't have it both ways.
Be the other girl's friend one day then, when it suits here, exclude her the next. Your daughter needs to learn about what friends are, who are really friends, and who aren't. THIS is the time.

If she does not want to be 'friends' with this girl, that his her right, and she would have my permission and blessing....
It seems clear that this girl, and now her mom, are like demanding that DD be her 'friend'. And, that doesn't fly with me, AT ALL.
I have seen my son in a situation with one kid that we really would have nothing to do with, and the mom was all "Can't we all get along".... Should we encourage them to be friends... type of attitude.
I said, "My son is not 5 years old, I am NOT arranging play-dates."

But the whole 'included one day, excluded the next'... Sometimes just wants to be friends with girl 'A', etc.... That would be something that I would address with my daughter.

About the cellphone, and an ADULT involving themselves with my DD, thru a personal text/call to the cellphone. Both of those are whole other issues!!!

I would handle that, on my end, with my DD, with no direct interaction with this girl, her mom, or anybody else.

Yes, this is what I thought of as well when reading your post. How would it make your dd feel if Carrie and Betty wanted to be alone without Anna? I'm not saying that all 3 should be stuck at the hip but maybe Anna and Betty can find time to be alone outside of school hours. They are 10 and their brains don't work like adults do. Carrie probably sees it as she is losing Anna and that is what is making her clingy.
I agree that the other mom should never have contacted your dd but did you question her about the fight on the bus? It may have been something more serious to make the mom get involved. I don't know, raising kids is the hardest job in the world. Mine are dd14 and ds11 so I know. There are never right answers, only good guesses as what a mom should do.
Perhaps, if this continues maybe you should contact the other mom and see what she is hearing from her dd. I'm betting that you might both hear things from each other that you did not know about. Do you know this woman? If not its not like you will be losing a friend. Of course, this is just a suggestion and I don't know if its the right one. Good luck.

 

[jrmasm]

I would think long and hard about maybe blocking that number... Might not do it if it would cause additional crap, but if someone at that number is texting your DD and telling her how to act....hmmmm. Maybe not have texting on your DD's phone? I would ignore this 'text' (and as someone upthread said maybe it wasn't actually the mother?...) and if it happens again or becomes a pattern, then I would say something very casually to this other parent.

And for the person who said it gets better? Sometimes it does (yay!) but, and I hate to say it this, sometimes it just doesn't. Sometimes people just have to grit their teeth and make up their minds that they are going to survive middle school/high school and when I say "survive" I mean exactly that.

agnes!

It should get better. Kids should mature and should learn to deal better with social situations as they age.

 

[MrsDuck]

I would be talking to that mom, she has no business texting your dd, if has an issue she should be speaking to you. Having said that, I don't think either of you should be involved in the drama, but you need to talk to eachother and agree on that.

+1. I would stay out of the drama but tell the mom to not text your DD.

 

[agnes!]

I would think long and hard about maybe blocking that number... Might not do it if it would cause additional crap, but if someone at that number is texting your DD and telling her how to act....hmmmm. Maybe not have texting on your DD's phone? I would ignore this 'text' (and as someone upthread said maybe it wasn't actually the mother?...) and if it happens again or becomes a pattern, then I would say something very casually to this other parent.

And for the person who said it gets better? Sometimes it does (yay!) but, and I hate to say it this, sometimes it just doesn't. Sometimes people just have to grit their teeth and make up their minds that they are going to survive middle school/high school and when I say "survive" I mean exactly that.

agnes!

It should get better. Kids should mature and should learn to deal better with social situations as they age.

I agree, it *should* but... sometimes middle/high school becomes an exercise to be endured, where survival itself (physical survival but also mental/emotional survival) is the accomplishment, especially if the person is an ongoing target of bullying or harassment or social crap.

agnes!

 

[jrmasm]

I agree, it *should* but... sometimes middle/high school becomes an exercise to be endured, where survival itself (physical survival but also mental/emotional survival) is the accomplishment, especially if the person is an ongoing target of bullying or harassment or social crap.

agnes!

But that's not what we're talking about are we. We're talking about normal 'girl drama' so I stand by my statement that it should get better.

It has been my experience that the drama peaks around 4th grade. And the girls who still have BIG DRAMA in their lives in high school, have very dramatic mothers.

But then that's just my experience.