:)

[Sparx]

This is why people gave me poo about getting married young
Most, but not all, people around that age shouldn't be getting married.

One thing that really stood out to me was the whole texting the last words of love. I'm sorry but if you are not mature enough to go talk to someone about something like that, don't send them a text on their wedding day! He seems like the biggest issue here, he should have left well enough alone!
I feel so bad for the groom. I can't even imagine how he is going to react when he finds out what has happened, and I am sure he will find out at some point.

I know! That really stood out to me. It seems so spiteful. "You're not marrying me so I'm going to make you cry on your wedding day!"

They could have picked up a phone, written a letter or even facebooked each other years ago. Time to move past this.

 

[Gwendolyn]

Poor groom, poor bride, poor everyone that is involved.

If I was the bride, I would have postponed the wedding for at least a year. So that I could find out what I really feel.
I wouldnt marry a guy only because of the money that is lost if I didnt.

 

[indimom]

Oh, I have LOTS of thoughts on this one.
1. NO, would not have walked down the aisle if I was that conflicted. No way. This is one subject I'm very strict on. You DON'T get married if you have feelings for someone else. You don't even date others if you have feelings THAT strong for someone else. Not right or fair.
2. Really? NO Contact with the person you loved soooo much. DH and I started dating when he was home on a visit after boot camp. He then returned to Florida. WE WROTE LETTERS. Pre-internet and cell phone era (by just a little bit). This is still an accepted form of communication. We talked on the phone about once a week for 20 minutes, phone calls were expensive and I was in college.
We got engaged at 20. I planned the wedding alone. He was overseas (In the Med) for 9 of the 10 months leading up to our wedding. No calls then, only letters. My aunt was VERY concerned about my "long distance relationship" and the fact that we were marrying at 22. She didn't need to worry. We still have a fabulous marriage 15 years later. We were ADULTS at 22. I'll admit there are plenty of people who are NOT, and are just "playing the part."
3. I actually met a nice guy at a party before I started dating hubby, he was just visiting the campus and we only saw each other that one night for a very short period of time. Just chatting at a party. Apparently I made an impression, because he showed up at my college dorm room a year later wanting to reintroduce himself to me. Pretty shocking to me, I aint nothin special. But to the point, I explained that I was dating someone exclusively and he congratulated me and walked away. This is called maturity, IMO. The guy who would text you on your wedding day is a spoiled child. He had already left the ball in her court when he talked to her and found out she was getting married, she could have decided to call it off. This was just mean. AND I CAN'T BELIEVE SHE GAVE HIM THE NUMBER??? She was inviting this, which is just as immature.
All bad signs, IMO. I hope she and her hubby can get past this and make it work. But, it's going to be rough. I guarrantee he'll find out. And if they have a decent relationship, he should find out. I certainly told my honey about "the guy on my doorstep" and we weren't even engaged at the time.
Life is always stranger than fiction.

 

[PatsGirl]

Easier said than done. Suffice it to stay that I married someone that I thought was "it" until pre-wedding jitters set in. When I woke up that morning, I just knew I shouldn't go through with it but I did. I could see no way out (and I was 30, not 20) It was just a feeling, but it was strong. I actually came clean with my new husband during our honeymoon and we decided together that we'd just give it our all. Well, that lasted all of one year. We were divorced 12 weeks after my son was born on our 1st anniversary. Truly though, it had nothing to do with a third party and little to do with my "feeling". Lots of things became clear during that year while I was pregnant and thinking straight, literally....The years of our dating and engagement were party years and I think my biological clock was taking over

 

[AmericangirlinFrance]

If it was me, I wouldn't have gotten married.

I am a firm believer if you have any doubt at all about getting married, even up to the point of walking down the isle, you should not say I do.

The divorce is probably going to cost more than they would have lost if she had called off the wedding.

I know. I have just come to realize this - not in such a "dramatic" situation as this one though!! I was in a serious, but extremely tumultuous relationship for 4 years, we were engaged, broke off the engagement, we'd get back together for a while, break up again, etc. This continued until - I am not kidding - he proposed to *another* girl he'd been sort of dating. Now given, I am stupid for continuing to get back together with him.

But the point is, I was SO ready to marry him. I just knew that if things worked out and he came back to me again, we would get married. And we didn't, and he didn't come back. And I am so grateful, because it taught me about what it means to be ready for marriage. I wasn't. He rushed into it with another woman.

I think many people take marriage way too lightly. I feel like I would need to resolve all relationship issues from my past, and trust the person I was going to marry completely. But I think a lot of people don't do that.

Such a sad situation.

 

[Disney1fan2002]

My question is would you have went through with the wedding if you were all of a sudden having seconds thoughts and really wanted to be with someone else?

Answer...NO! Sure they would lose the cost of the wedding, but now add the expense of a divorce on top of that. It is inevitable.

 

[goofyernmost]

Heck, divorces aren't all that expensive. Mine only cost me under $500. and that was after 29 years.

I think getting married was the right choice here. Yes, the young lady does sound quite immature but going ahead with it instead of canceling is showing that she is trying to move on. I'm sure it was a shock when the guy showed up, but with time she will realize that there really was nothing there. You don't go that long without communication and have anything that is real.

On the downside, and I know this from experience, she is never going to forget this guy. He will come up in thoughts every time she and DH hit a rough spot. She will fantasize about how great it would have been if only she had married "the other guy". I do truly feel sorry for the groom. He has a possible life of hell ahead of him and there is no way to compete with a fantasy. Can't be done. He is the only none player in this story. I don't hold out much hope for this marriage, but it is possible that both will suddenly realize that this is the right thing and be happy with it.

 

[Tikitoi]

I would have been hesitant to spend $27k one something and with someone I truly wasn't in love with. Yeah could've should've would've. Try to get as much $$$ back and go with the one she truly loves. Expensive lesson.

 

[Frye7127]

Nope, wouldn't have married...my daddy told me from the time i was 18 that if I had second thoughts or thought i was making a mistake, and it didn't matter if we were getting ready to walk down the aisle, he and mom would support me and I could call it off, no matter how much money was spent, who was there, etc. I have passed this on to my DSD, as my husband wishes he had this advice the first go round as he felt stuck and was making a mistake and his parents knew he was making a huge mistake and nobody did anything but allow this train wreck to happen. I will also stand up for my son if it ever comes to that. Marriage is a huge decision not to be entered into lightly and divorce sucks. If you are questioning it up front, then there is a big chance you will question it later. Better safe than sorry.

 

[Nik's Mom]

In my opinion, all of that dough spent on the wedding will go to waste anyways because that marriage will probably not last. It sounds like she really isn't in love with the guy. I feel bad for him.

And to answer your question, no I would not have gone through with it.

 

[claudia]

Oh I'll bet my bottom dollar he will find out some time this week. The bride was balling her eye's out in the car leaving the church ( from what I was told) and the groom was like WTH????
Drama, drama, drama..this is what the dis is here for...lol.

I really feel bad for the groom.....what a crappy thing she did to him. He deserved to know what was going on so he could decide if he still wanted to marry her!

 

[Buckalew11]

I wouldn't be so quick to say the marriage won't last. It probably won't but it stands a chance depending on many circumstances.

We're saying she loves this other guy. We don't KNOW that she truly loves him or doesn't. She is probably confused and doesn't know what her feelings are for a man she loved and hasn't had contact with. That "what if" factor is kicking in...

The guy doesn't KNOW that he truly loves her now either. He's been away, no contact, even with contact, it'd be confusing. He "loves" who she was, who he dreams she is, and he's in love with loving her. His "what if" fantasy is kicking in also.

IF they got together, it may or may not turn out to be true love. They might figure it out in a week, a month or 2 years. It is a scary place to be...confusing and upsetting.

So, do you stick with the "sure" thing--the groom who you have been building a life with and know the reality of OR do you decide to break that off and give this other *fantasy* relationship another try. 4 years is a long time. From the time kids are 18 til their 22 is a long time and lots of changes occur. They are NOT the same people. Things may not be what they were and even if they were, it might be all rosey like you "remembered" it to be. I would liken it to how we tend to view our "first love" most of the time.

Should she have gone through with it? No, the ideal thing to do when you have any doubt is to not go through with it. Can it work? Yes. But it'll take a lot of work--a lot more than the norm.
Should she tell the groom? Depends on many things, but, if she tells him, she'd better be ready for the chance that he'll leave her and let her find out an answer to her confusion.

If she is smart and wants this marriage to work, she will cut all contact with this old flame and move forward in her marriage. If she keeps in touch, it'll do damage that may or may not heal. If the guy is smart, he'll leave her alone to work things out and advise her to keep her vows and work at her marriage. He should just tell her that all contact needs to now remain the same as it did those 4 years.

It is heartbreaking to think they are starting out like this...with questions and confusion and heartache.

 

[LuvCuteBoys]

For the most part though, like I said earlier, in today's society 20ish is too young to get married. This isn't 100 years ago where if you didn't finish with your family by 30 you weren't going to have one!
We had a plan, would have been 22 or 23 when we got married, but Uncle Sam shook things up a little. I was 21 and DH 22 when we got married. We ended up with our Disney elopement, and will still have a family ceremony when he gets home.

It was okay for you but it isn't okay for the majority of society? Odd.

I don't understand why people are calling her immature. And I think it's entirely possible to love two people at the same time. Was it a mistake to get married? I can't answer that. Hopefully the groom already knows that this guy was in her life previously and when he finds out what happened, they'll be able to talk it through and work it out.

What's done is done. I hope it works out for all of them.

 

[MarriedToAPrince]

If it was me, I wouldn't have gotten married.

I am a firm believer if you have any doubt at all about getting married, even up to the point of walking down the isle, you should not say I do.

The divorce is probably going to cost more than they would have lost if she had called off the wedding.

I agree with this. No one should enter into marriage with doubt. In my eyes marriage is forever and shouldn't be viewed any other way (except for a few specific situations like cheating or abuse). I feel really bad for the groom in all this.

 

[suzannecstarr]

I wouldn't be so hard on her. She may love this other guy but a lot more goes into marriage than love. I think the other guy kind of sounds like a jerk sending her crap like that on her wedding day. He missed the boat and needs to move on. No sense trying to guilt her into leaving.

I do agree about getting married young though. Sure it works for some. My BIL and SIL were high school sweethearts and married at 20. For most people though that is farrrrrr too young. Its not a matter of opinion its a fact easily found in any introductory sociology book.

 

[Mimi1965]

She is now married and even while getting dressed in her wedding gown she was cry for the other guy. He texted her to say " He loved her one last time" and once again she lost it.

?

I am curious to the OP what your relationship is to the bride?
You must be her maid of Honor or sister to know the details as they are happening?
Or did someone just share this with you?

 

[wdwmom0f3]

I wouldn't be so quick to say the marriage won't last. It probably won't but it stands a chance depending on many circumstances.

We're saying she loves this other guy. We don't KNOW that she truly loves him or doesn't. She is probably confused and doesn't know what her feelings are for a man she loved and hasn't had contact with. That "what if" factor is kicking in...

The guy doesn't KNOW that he truly loves her now either. He's been away, no contact, even with contact, it'd be confusing. He "loves" who she was, who he dreams she is, and he's in love with loving her. His "what if" fantasy is kicking in also.

IF they got together, it may or may not turn out to be true love. They might figure it out in a week, a month or 2 years. It is a scary place to be...confusing and upsetting.

So, do you stick with the "sure" thing--the groom who you have been building a life with and know the reality of OR do you decide to break that off and give this other *fantasy* relationship another try. 4 years is a long time. From the time kids are 18 til their 22 is a long time and lots of changes occur. They are NOT the same people. Things may not be what they were and even if they were, it might be all rosey like you "remembered" it to be. I would liken it to how we tend to view our "first love" most of the time.

Should she have gone through with it? No, the ideal thing to do when you have any doubt is to not go through with it. Can it work? Yes. But it'll take a lot of work--a lot more than the norm.
Should she tell the groom? Depends on many things, but, if she tells him, she'd better be ready for the chance that he'll leave her and let her find out an answer to her confusion.

If she is smart and wants this marriage to work, she will cut all contact with this old flame and move forward in her marriage. If she keeps in touch, it'll do damage that may or may not heal. If the guy is smart, he'll leave her alone to work things out and advise her to keep her vows and work at her marriage. He should just tell her that all contact needs to now remain the same as it did those 4 years.

It is heartbreaking to think they are starting out like this...with questions and confusion and heartache.

I agree with this whole post, especially the bold above. She and this other guy have had four years to contact each other & with the internet and everything else, there is no excuse in that. I honestly think this other guy is a jerk for doing her that way on her wedding day.

 

[pigletgirl]

Boy, that is a mess! I truly hope everything gets worked out, and the other dude can get with his own life! Seriously.....the guy needs to get away and GROW UP!

Quit bombarding the girl!

 

[focusondisney]

Heck, divorces aren't all that expensive. Mine only cost me under $500. and that was after 29 years.

I think getting married was the right choice here. Yes, the young lady does sound quite immature but going ahead with it instead of canceling is showing that she is trying to move on. I'm sure it was a shock when the guy showed up, but with time she will realize that there really was nothing there. You don't go that long without communication and have anything that is real.

On the downside, and I know this from experience, she is never going to forget this guy. He will come up in thoughts every time she and DH hit a rough spot. She will fantasize about how great it would have been if only she had married "the other guy". I do truly feel sorry for the groom. He has a possible life of hell ahead of him and there is no way to compete with a fantasy. Can't be done. He is the only none player in this story. I don't hold out much hope for this marriage, but it is possible that both will suddenly realize that this is the right thing and be happy with it.

I agree with you, especially about the poor groom. He is the only one in this story with no control over his own life. He should have been told, by the bride or someone what was going on. Maybe he would have chosen to postpone, instead of being duped into marrying someone who might not really love him.

I wouldn't be so quick to say the marriage won't last. It probably won't but it stands a chance depending on many circumstances.

We're saying she loves this other guy. We don't KNOW that she truly loves him or doesn't. She is probably confused and doesn't know what her feelings are for a man she loved and hasn't had contact with. That "what if" factor is kicking in...

The guy doesn't KNOW that he truly loves her now either. He's been away, no contact, even with contact, it'd be confusing. He "loves" who she was, who he dreams she is, and he's in love with loving her. His "what if" fantasy is kicking in also.

IF they got together, it may or may not turn out to be true love. They might figure it out in a week, a month or 2 years. It is a scary place to be...confusing and upsetting.

So, do you stick with the "sure" thing--the groom who you have been building a life with and know the reality of OR do you decide to break that off and give this other *fantasy* relationship another try. 4 years is a long time. From the time kids are 18 til their 22 is a long time and lots of changes occur. They are NOT the same people. Things may not be what they were and even if they were, it might be all rosey like you "remembered" it to be. I would liken it to how we tend to view our "first love" most of the time.

Should she have gone through with it? No, the ideal thing to do when you have any doubt is to not go through with it. Can it work? Yes. But it'll take a lot of work--a lot more than the norm.
Should she tell the groom? Depends on many things, but, if she tells him, she'd better be ready for the chance that he'll leave her and let her find out an answer to her confusion.

If she is smart and wants this marriage to work, she will cut all contact with this old flame and move forward in her marriage. If she keeps in touch, it'll do damage that may or may not heal. If the guy is smart, he'll leave her alone to work things out and advise her to keep her vows and work at her marriage. He should just tell her that all contact needs to now remain the same as it did those 4 years.

It is heartbreaking to think they are starting out like this...with questions and confusion and heartache.

Again, too bad the groom wasn't allowed to decide for himself if he wanted to proceed with the wedding. I wouldn't think finding out after the wedding is going to be any easier for him.


And I'm with everyone else who said that there were ways these 2 could have communicated if they wanted to. It isn't the 1800's, for crying out loud.


I think the x moved back to town & wanted a hook up, then decided to cause a little trouble when he found he couldn't get it.

Op, please keep us posted. I want to know if this couple even makes it back from the cruise still married.

 

[JessicaR]

I really feel bad for the groom.....what a crappy thing she did to him. He deserved to know what was going on so he could decide if he still wanted to marry her!

This is exactly how I feel.