20041218-cruise-friends-memories Part 3

[jhemond]

And one for the ladies:

Now I lay me
Down to sleep
I pray the Lord
My shape to keep.
Please no wrinkles
Please no bags
And please lift my butt
Before it sags.
Please no age spots
Please no gray
And as for my belly,
Please take it away.
Please keep me healthy
Please keep me young,
And thank you Dear Lord
For all that you've done.

---------------------------------------------
Five tips for a woman....

1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.

2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.

3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie
to you.

4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.

5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.

----------------------------------------------
Foot Note:

One saggy **** said to the other saggy ****: "If we don't get some support soon, people will think we're nuts."

 

[Denise Escola]

This is cute.....

Van Gogh`s family


His dizzy aunt: Verti Gogh
His unemployed cousin: Let Gogh
The brother who ate prunes: Gotta Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store: Stopn Gogh
The brother who bleached his clothes white: Hue Gogh
His obnoxious brother: Please Gogh
The cousin from Illinois: Chica Gogh
His magician uncle: Wherediddy Gogh
His Mexican cousin: Amee Gogh
The Mexican cousin's American half brother: Grin Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach: Wellsfar Gogh
The constipated uncle: Can't Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt: Tan Gogh
The bird lover uncle: Flamin Gogh
His nephew psychoanalyst: E Gogh
The fruit loving cousin: Man Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking: Wayto Gogh
The little bouncy nephew: Poe Gogh
The bouncy nephew's brother who lives in Penticton: Ogo Poe Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia: U Gogh
A sister who loved disco: Go Gogh
A pregnant sister: Pre Gogh
The grandmother who was a 1950's carhop @ A&W: Letsall Gogh
His Italian uncle: Day Gogh
His uncle with a corporate image: Lo Gogh
His niece who travels the country in a van: Winnie Bay Gogh

 

[DW4US]

Maybe some of you can use this one --- I know I've used it!!

A Woman's Prayer:

Dear Lord, I pray for:
Wisdom, To understand a man
Love, To forgive him and
Patience, For his moods
Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength
I'll just beat him to death.

 

[jhemond]

Originally posted by Denise Escola
This is cute.....

Van Gogh`s family

 

[jhemond]

Originally posted by DW4US
Maybe some of you can use this one --- I know I've used it!!

A Woman's Prayer:

Dear Lord, I pray for:
Wisdom, To understand a man
Love, To forgive him and
Patience, For his moods
Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength
I'll just beat him to death.

 

[jhemond]

Ok. Here's another one.

Boy scouts at a marine base

Marine Corp's General Reinwald was interviewed on the radio the other day and you have to read his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children. Regardless
of how you feel about gun laws you gotta love this!!!!

This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of National Public Radio (NPR)interview between a female broadcaster and US Marine Corps General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible,
isn't it?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become
violent killers.

GENERAL REINWALD: Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?

The radio went silent and the interview ended.

You've gotta love the Marines.

 

[tinksdad]

Originally posted by jhemond
snip...
About 15 minutes later, the Vermonter pulls out a bottle of beer.
He opens it and takes a sip. Then another sip. Then he chugs the
rest of the bottle. then places the bottle back in his saddlebag,
pulls out his gun and shoots the guy from Massachusetts.

Since we're talking about beer.......


Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at the door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya."

"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"

"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."

"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me ..."

"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."

Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"

"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."

"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"

"Well, no Brenda... no."

"No?"

"Fact is, he got out three times to pee."

 

[tinksdad]

Originally posted by jhemond
Ok. Here's another one.

..snip...

You've gotta love the Marines.

LOVE That ONE!!!

 

[jhemond]

Originally posted by tinksdad
"Fact is, he got out three times to pee."

 

[Dancind]

I'm not offended! Not from Boston. I suppose all the good jokes offend someone.

 

[WVMD]

T.O.P.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Just had to do that!!!

Virgil
TFD

 

[WDWLVR]

Originally posted by Hercules10
Anyone have a link or can post a map of our cruise itinerary?

Here you go: 10 Day Cruise Map

 

[tinksdad]

Originally posted by jhemond
Did I seriously offend someone? I really wasn't trying to. If I did, I apoligize. How about we insult men instead? Let's try this one:

Welll! I "could be" offended.......




but then again, I'm married!

 

[jhemond]

A dose of useless information you never really cared to know:

1. A rat can last longer without water than a camel.

2. Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks, otherwise it will digest itself.

3. The Declaration of Independence (the very official copy in the Rotunda of the National Archives) is written on parchment, not paper.

4. The dot over the letter 'i' is called a tittle.

5. A raisin dropped in a fresh glass of soda will bounce up and down continually from the bottom of the glass to the top.

6. A female ferret will die if it goes into heat and cannot find a mate.

7. A 2x4 is actually 1-1/2" x 3-1/2" .

8. 40% of McDonald's profits come from the sales of Happy Meals.

9. Every person has a unique tongue print. (Say "aaah")

10. The 'spot' on 7UP comes from its inventor who had red eyes. He was an albino.

11. 315 entries in Webster's 1996 Dictionary were misspelled.

12. During the chariot scene in 'Ben Hur' a small red car can be seen in the distance.

13. On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents daily.

14. John Wilkes Booth's brother once saved the life of Abraham Lincoln's son. Irony.

15. Warren Beatty and Shirley MacLaine are brother and sister.

16. Chocolate kills dogs! Chocolate affects a dog's heart and nervous system. A few ounces is enough to kill a small sized dog. (Debated)

17. Daniel Boone detested coonskin caps.

18. Playing cards were issued to British pilots in WWII. If they were captured, the cards could be soaked in water and unfolded to reveal a map for escape.

19. Most lipstick contains fish scales. Yum.

20. Dr. Seuss actually pronounced Seuss such that it sounded like Sue-ice.

21. Ketchup was sold in the 1830s as medicine.

22. Leonardo da Vinci could write with one hand and draw with the other at the same time.

23. During the California Gold Rush of 1849 miners sent their laundry to Honolulu for washing and pressing. Due to the high costs in California during these years it was deemed more feasible to send the shirts to Hawaii for servicing.

24. American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first class.

25. The number of possible ways of playing the first four moves per side in a game of chess is 318,979,564,000.

 

[jhemond]

Originally posted by Dancind
I'm not offended! Not from Boston. I suppose all the good jokes offend someone.

Ok. I'm sure they do.

 

[jhemond]

Originally posted by tinksdad
Welll! I "could be" offended.......




but then again, I'm married!

I'm an equal opportunity jokester. I just don't have any jokes about women - otherwise I'd post those too.

 

[jhemond]

A new third party candidate for President: http://apnews.excite.com/article/20041021/D85RQ35G0.html I've found the candidate I'm voting for.

 

[tinksdad]

Originally posted by jhemond
A new third party candidate for President: http://apnews.excite.com/article/20041021/D85RQ35G0.html I've found the candidate I'm voting for.

And this from a Disney freak!!

Copywrite imfringment... (in best Elmer Fudd voice) heh, heh, heh, heh!


I'm shocked and dismayed. LOL

 

[jhemond]

Originally posted by tinksdad
And this from a Disney freak!!

Copywrite imfringment... (in best Elmer Fudd voice) heh, heh, heh, heh!


I'm shocked and dismayed. LOL

If Mickey was running, he'd definately get my vote.

 

[DW4US]

You know you can always write in the candidate of your choice --- I get a lot of positive comments when I wear my Mickey for President shirt!





BTW my pirate name is Castaway Flora the Drunk!